Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Lessons from Friends and Family

Hi everyone!  I posted yesterday about being nervous and scared regarding what will happen with me occupationally after having the baby.  I got some of the coolest responses from friends and family, and I learned a lot from them.  Today is all about those lessons!

  1. Two people told me to breathe which means I must have been giving off a hyperventilating vibe.  I would love to say that wasn't the case, and it just came off that way because I was "stream of consciousness" writing.  But let's be real...I totally needed to breathe.  See?  That's one of the reasons I like writing this blog so much!  I don't always allow myself to express these frustrations or fears until I can write them out or work them out with someone verbally.  I just shove them to the side until they make me a little nuts!  So...thank you Julie and Trish...I breathed. :P
  2. Another friend sent me a private message on FB and told me how God had worked in her family's life which led to her being able to stay at home.  She also said she feels like God worked in her husband's heart to make that his desire for the family, and therefore, a desire they both shared.  She shared Psalm 37:4 which states that if we find our delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts, which she took to mean if we are truly seeking His will and glory, he will work in our hearts to make HIS desires our desires.  Well...that's novel...and probably remarkably accurate. I think I tend to over-inflate my importance and underestimate His abilities.  
  3. My cousin Trish actually said a few things that got me.  The first was "breathe," but we already went over that.  Second, she told me to look up Matthew 6:31-34.  It says, " So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Well...ouch.  Worrying like the pagans.  Yeesh.  I'm spending time worrying instead of trusting my ALMIGHTY God.  Nice...is that a waste of time much?  Furthermore, if having an active faith is what distinguishes me from those who don't know our loving, faithful God, I might want to put my "money where my mouth is" so to speak, and live my faith.
  4. She then noted 1 Peter 5:7 which says to cast all our anxieties on the Lord.  We all know that though, right?  And we just talked about that a second ago.  But she also said I shouldn't give him my anxieties and then take them back.  Yay...more conviction.  She's absolutely right.  I keep praying and telling Him I'm going to trust Him, and then I yank my concerns back as though HE isn't capable of handling them...like I'm going to be better at it. *sigh*  
So, that's what I learned from my friends...I'm a spastic, non-trusting, anxiety taker-backer (I was going to say "Indian Giver" and then realized that's probably not at all a nice term).  Kidding...I know that's not what my loving friends and family meant, but a good dose of conviction along with love and support is never a bad thing.  I'm very appreciative.

There were also a couple little things that have happened in the last couple days to confirm this desire in my heart to be with my kids.  

First, in the introductions we have to do at the beginning of our classes one girl said she was a mom and a wife and went on to note that those were full-time jobs, but she wasn't currently working for pay outside the home.  I posted a reply to her saying that I agreed with her completely!  Being a wife and mom IS a full-time job, and I told her unfortunately, I feel like I've been a full-time worker outside the home for quite some time and my kids have been my part-time job.

*Insert sound of record screeching to a halt*

Did I really just say that?  Did I really just say that I feel my children (and now my husband), have been my part-time job?!  Yes.  Yes I did.  Furthermore, not only did I say it, I knew I actually felt it.  I had never thought it out loud before or even acknowledged it, but it is the absolute truth, and it made me SO SAD.

Mind you, there isn't really anything I could have done about it before.  Single moms rarely get to be stay at home moms unless they're getting some wicked child/spousal support, and that just isn't happening. 

But I'm married now, and we decided to leave the timing of a new baby up to God, and God said NOW.  I truly think that says something.  I knew I was supposed to be waiting for something (see this post).  I've known that for some time.  I got confirmation of it when I went to the Women of Faith conference.  I was waiting...and I think this was what I was waiting for.  I would NOT be considering not working right now if God hadn't placed this beautiful creature in my womb.

Also, another friend emailed me yesterday telling me how wonderful she was doing (because I had asked) and told me how much she had loved staying at home for the past year with her kids, that she would never have a career again (just jobs, if necessary), and to absolutely do it if I ever got the chance.  What's odd about this?  She wrote this to me on the same day I wrote that blog...but hadn't read my blog yet.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Okay God, I'm listening.  You have my trust and my attention.

Thank you to all the friends and family that love and support me so much...and make me see the light when I'm covering my own eyes.  I love you all. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Dilemma

I saw Heather's "Just Write" post over at The Extraordinary Ordinary today, and I sighed and took in a breath of fresh air.  That's so what I need.  I need to just write all the things that are going on in my head right now without thinking about how they all fit together.

Mainly, I'm kind of scared right now...and that makes me feel really guilty.  If I have faith in God, then being faithful is actively exercising that faith, right?  Faith in action.  Then what part in my life can fear playt?  Do I doubt God's ability to take care of me?  No, I definitely don't doubt that.  I think I doubt my ability to correctly interpret exactly what it is He wants me to do.  I think I fear taking what I want and trying to make it God's will.

The main issue right now?  What the heck are we going to do when I have this baby?  There are women all over the world that have four children and work full-time; why do I feel so adamantly opposed to it?  I want to do what's best for my family - spiritually, emotionally, and financially.  I feel SO guilty for not wanting to go back to work after the baby.  I know Josiah is freaking out about everything financially.  Poor guy.  He's gone from being completely single and without fetters to having three children and a wife to care for, a mortgage, and another baby on the way in no time flat.  I try to comfort myself with the fact that I know he loves us so much and wouldn't have it any other way...but somehow it doesn't keep me from feeling guilty.

Always guilty.

So, what the heck do I do?

  • It's been suggested that my company might let me work from home.  Frankly, I don't see that happening AT ALL.  They won't want to set that precedent.  
  • It's also been suggested that I watch children in my home.  I know that makes a lot of sense to people...but it makes me absolutely cringe.  Ugh.  I adore my children, but I'm just not a "kid person."  Does that make sense?  Maybe I should say I'm not an "other people's kids person." 
  • So what if I waitress some at night?  I like waitressing.  I know that sounds a little nutty, but I do.  I like the interaction with people.  The only three things that really concern me with that are 1) can I make enough money doing it? and 2) will my ankle hold out?  3) I may get to be with the baby during the day, but how much will I really be able to see Josiah and the older kids?  Hmmmm...food for thought.  
  • I've had this...business idea, I guess.  It's still forming.  The idea itself is in the embryonic stage and has yet to fully develop so it can be born.  Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of time to develop it right now, either.  I'm hoping to have some time next semester because I'm taking time off from school.  I need a break. 
All of those things...any of them...I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  Do I wait and pray and hope God will show me what I'm supposed to do?  Or is that just irresponsible?  God helps those who help themselves right?  Not to mention the fact that I think Josiah might have a coronary if we just wait.  Seriously.

Know what though?  I can't help but feel like waiting is exactly what I'm supposed to do right now.  It's something I've said before, over and over, but I feel like God is bringing something, and I'm supposed to wait for it.  How do you explain that to a nervous husband while also trying desperately to manage your own guilt and make sure you're not just being a lazy bones who doesn't want to work?

My guess is that I'm just supposed to pray and trust, but that feels like the most naive answer on the planet.

On the other hand, I read of a couple yesterday that followed God's call halfway across the country to a place where they had no jobs and no family...they just trusted and followed...and they said they were infinitely happy they had.  That is being faithful, my friends.

Do I have it in me to be that faithful?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Baby Who Went MIA

Why does it seem like every blog lately begins with "it's been so long since I've written"?  *sigh*

Oh well, we've got lots to catch up on, so let's just jump on in, shall we?  Yeesh, this is probably going to be long.  Today's story, boys and girls, is about the tale of the missing baby!!

First and foremost, Josiah and I are absolutely thrilled that I'm still pregnant.  I know some of you already know this story and others have just gotten the quick facebook version, but I'm going to tell it here anyway.  I will warn you...there are some kinda yuck parts in this next couple paragraphs.

I woke up about a week and a half ago (Wednesday, Oct. 3) at 4:30 a.m. wondering why I was sweating because my panties were kinda wet near the legs (told you this wasn't pretty).  I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but I was seriously confused.  I got up to see what was going on, and when I did, there was a heavy pressure and a gush.  I was pretty sure that wasn't good.

When I got to the bathroom and turned on the light, my fears were substantiated...blood was everywhere.  I sat down and experienced another gush and a plop that felt like a giant clot...or something (and there was too much blood to see what it was), and then woke Josiah up to tell him we needed to go to the ER.  Poor Josiah...I could see the fear in his eyes when he came in there. We both thought I was having a miscarriage and I think we were trying to emotionally prepare ourselves.

We talked about it some on the way to the ER.  We talked about how if we lost this baby, then it wasn't God's plan and He would either provide us with another or He wouldn't...either way, His will is divine.  We prayed.  I cried on and off, but tried to stay level headed...because that's what I do.

Walking into the ER was a surreal experience.  I wasn't cramping or in any kind of pain...just woke up covered in blood, that's all.

Once I had gone through the preliminaries, gotten to a bed, and gotten undressed, my nurse came in with a doppler to check for a heartbeat.  We waited for what seemed like forever, only hearing my heartbeat for a while...but then we heard it...a little 150 beat per minute heartbeat.  I laughed and let out the sobs I'd been holding back.  It was one of the most precious sounds I've ever heard.

The mood lightened up considerably after that.  I made Josiah go to work because he's acting manager of the department and they were expecting the company's interim president that morning.  His mom was already on the way, so there was really only a gap of a few mintes where I was alone.  I had stopped bleeding...all was well....

Until the doctor came in.  She came in with a portable ultrasound machine so she could see the baby and make sure everything was okay.  She started the ultrasound and I waited...and watched.  The longer she stood there and moved the wand around, the more confused she looked.

She was confused because she didn't see a baby.  She saw my ovaries.  She saw my bladder.  She saw everything else she was supposed to...but no baby.  She tried to assure me that it could just be user error and wanted to send me up to ultrasound, but they wouldn't take me because I was beyond 12 weeks and had already had an ultrasound at my doctor's office.  So they prepared to discharge me, and called my doctor's office to make sure they called me with an appointment as soon as they opened.

At one point I was in the hall and heard the doctor somewhat jokingly say to the nurse, "you let me down!"  Did the doctor think the nurse hadn't actually found a heartbeat?  We had heard it right?  I was there; I heard it...right?  I was so confused.  I didn't even want to touch my stomach when I was getting dressed because it just added to the dizzying emotions.

Do you know what the discharge papers say if you've heard the baby's heartbeat but they can't find a baby?  "MISCARRIAGE, COMPLETED"  That's what the papers said: miscarriage, completed.  Ugh...it was awful.  I had those papers with me ALL DAY because they had the results of my bloodwork on them that I needed to give to my doctor...and my appointment wasn't until 2.  I honestly believe that was one of the longest days of my life.

Even better is when you get to the doctor's office and you're trying to check in, and the lady trying to figure out how to code your chart asks "are you pregnant?"  Um...well...that's an excellent question, and one to which I'd really like to know the answer!! 

It's too late to make a long story short, but I'll at least wrap it up...the baby and I are fine.  After some looking, my doctor found the baby and it looks just fine.  It had a healthy heartbeat and was moving all over the place.  Yay!!!  I started spotting again the next day, and have on and off since then, so I'm sort of on light duty for right now.  I have to kind of take it easy, but that's okay because the baby is okay...and that's what matters.

They don't really know why I was bled the way I did.  They've mentioned a bleed behind the placenta or maybe a small tear in the placenta.  They don't know, and that's okay...as long as it doesn't happen again because that was TRULY awful.  You might also be asking why the doctor in the ER couldn't find the baby.  I try to tell people that I carry really high, but sometimes people just don't get it.  I carry babies high...really.  Right now this little thing is like under my belly button. LOL  She didn't see the baby because she was looking too low.  My OB confirmed it when she went in the office; even she was a little confused at first, but because she's an OB, it was a little easier for her.

This experience, while horrible, actually had a couple really good outcomes.  First, I'm still pregnant, duh, and that's good.  But also, Josiah and I grew even closer because of it.  We leaned on God and each other all day that day, and it tightened our bond.  We've also been praying together every night since then, and that has increased our bond and our togetherness with God, too.  Finally, we experienced such a great outpouring of love from our friends and family, and that was such a blessing.  His family, mine, and our close friends (even one who was IN LABOR) called or sent texts all the time to check on me.  It's just so amazing to know that no matter what you may go through, you have this huge network of people who love you and are willing to be there for you...just amazing.

Well, that's today's story!  I've got some more stuff to talk about, but I'll wait until later this week since this one is already so long.  Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!