A Winning Wardrobe

I had it all planned out.

Don't most humbling, slap-you-in-the-face moments start that way?

A few nights ago, I lay in bed thinking about exactly which outfits I would wear for the 5 days I'm going to be in Minnesota for the Ezer Collective. I was bubbling over with excitement.

A few weeks ago, I picked up a couple adorable clothing items from a second hand store. I tried them on briefly at home to make sure they fit, and Josiah seemed to think they were okay, so I thought they would fit fabulously into my trip wardrobe. (I tried them on for Josiah because we don't own a full-length mirror; if I ever look jacked up from the shoulders down, you now know why).

One was a plaid, tweed jacket that would look sophisticated and fun with skinny jeans and a white t-shirt. The other was a gorgeous, sheer red blouse (with the tags still on it) with slightly puffy sleeves and a ruffled collar. You just really can't GET more "me" than that.

The sheer blouse had a cami that came underneath it, but the thing was super short. When I tried it on the first time I looked like the female version of Winne the Pooh - NOT a flattering look. After purchasing a replacement cami yesterday, I came home and flew to the room to try it on.

The new cami felt just a little too long for the blouse, so I had Josiah take a picture to show me. It was TOO SMALL. The blouse I just adored felt comfortable but was far too snug, so not only was it a little short for the cami, but the last button pulled around my hips and accentuated my rolls.

NOOOOOOO!

"That's okay, though, right?" I thought. "Because that tweed jacket is going to be AWESOME!"

However, once I put it on again, I quickly noticed something that had completely escaped my attention the first time: that sucker had shoulder pads.

I don't know if you know this, but anything with shoulder pads makes a broad-shouldered girl look like the shortest linebacker in the NFL. It's not a good look.

Knowing we don't really have the funds for me to go shopping for new clothes right now, I fell to pieces. With the board for my "She is clothed in strength and dignity" sign slung haphazardly across the tops of my closet's louver doors (you can read more about that here), I stared into my closet seething, angry, and shattered, feeling clothed in very little strength and not a shred of dignity. Instead, I was clothed in a lot of sadness and boatloads of disappointment. I wailed about how I didn't have anything nice to wear and that I guess I'd just wear my "stupid, ''mom clothes."

Yes, you read that right. With people just hours south of here mourning the loss of everything they own due to Hurricane Michael, I mourned the loss of two items of clothing, which technically fit, but looked hideous. Not my finest moment.

As the hot tears slid down my face, leaving salty trails in my makeup, even I was surprised at the depth of emotion I felt over this seemingly insignificant event. "Why does this hurt so much?" I asked myself. "Why am I so devastated?"

And then, like Jack and Jill on their return voyage down the hill, the fears and insecurities tumbled out of me. They were numerous, but it all boiled down to this: I am afraid of being overlooked or disregarded because I'm old and fat.

I was super excited about the chic and fun outfits because I felt like they really represented me well...and because I feel like I need to do and be so much more to compensate for the fact that I'm truthfully "just" an overweight mom with seven kids. Even now, that makes my eyes sting with tears.

Unfortunately, there's actually some truth there, but it's mixed up with lies - Cocoa Pebbles in a bowl of sour milk.

If two women, one bigger and one smaller, put on the exact same outfit, nine times out of ten, the thinner woman would be taken more seriously, considered more attractive, hired for the job, etc. In many ways in our society, being bigger puts you at a disadvantage. That's the cold, hard truth.

The sour milk in the bowl, though, is the idea that I need these people's approval in order to fulfill my God-given calling. After a fitful night of sleep (or NOT sleep), I rose far before daylight and headed out to the beach to get my bearings. I knew there was truth I was missing, but I needed to be away from everyone with my God to figure it out.

There, in my van, in the dark hour just before dawn, I cried out to God and heard back, "Is anything impossible for the Lord?" I knew it was from the story of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac, but I googled it to find its exact location (Genesis 18:14) . I didn't expect it to come up in three more places.

Oh Lord God!

You yourself made the

heavens and the earth

by Your great power and

with Your outstretched arm.

Nothing is too difficult for You!

Jeremiah 32:17

Look I am Yahweh,

the God of all flesh.

Is anything too difficult for Me?

Jeremiah 32:27

[Jesus] replied, 

"What is impossible with men

is possible with God."

Luke 18:27

And with those, this one popped into my head:

Now to Him who is able

to do above and beyond

all that we ask or think

according to the power that works in us,

to Him be the glory

in the church and in Christ Jesus

to all generations,

forever and ever.

Ephesians 3:20

My God can do more than I can even begin to imagine in order to fulfill His purposes for me.

• Sarah laughed when she was told she would bear a child because she knew she was too old. God gave her a child, Isaac.
• David was a shepherd boy no one thought anything of, not even enough to bring him in from the field while Samuel looked over Jesse's sons to see which would be king. God made him king.
• Elizabeth was too old to bear children and everyone thought she was barren. God gave her John, he who would pave the way for the Messiah.
• 
  

In each of these cases, God made his perfect plans work through imperfect, unlikely people. Why? To bring Him more glory because only HE could do those impossible things.

God asked Gideon to defeat the Midianites, who were oppressing His people. So, Gideon took 32,000 men with him to defeat the armies of Midian, a force that would probably have numbered in excess of 100,000. But the odds weren't stacked enough for God.

The Lord said to Gideon,

"You have too many people for Me

to hand the Midianites over to you,

or else Israel might brag:

'I did it myself.'"

Judges 7:2

Therefore, God made sure the Israelites knew no one but HE could have accomplished the victory by sending Gideon with just 300 men...and they defeated them not with swords, spears, and arrows, but with torches, trumpets, and terracotta pots - a truly divine upheaval.

Here's the thing: if I'm meant to connect with any of the women attending this thing in a way that will impact my future and God's purpose, then it won't matter if I'm wearing a burlap sac and Birks. 

It is not my wardrobe that will bring me through to my calling. It is not my gifts, talents, or bubbly personality. It is nothing other that the power of the living God working in and through me and my circumstances.

He gave me those tools, yes, but without Him, they still aren't enough to fulfill a God-sized purpose.

God will do what He wants, when He wants, through whom He wants, and if I'm willing to walk in obedience, there's nothing that's going to keep me from the calling He has put on my life.

So, I'm heading to Minnesota in just over a week clothed in strength, dignity, and outfits I already own. I won't be clothed in what I've planned, but now that the fears and insecurities have been dealt with, I can go clothed in what I should have been thinking of all along: the love of my Heavenly Father, the strength that comes from knowing His great power, the power given to me in Christ Jesus, and the authority I have been given as the daughter of the One, True King. THAT, my friends, is a winning wardrobe!

Now, get thee behind me, Satan, and observe this outfit from the back. I've got work to do.

Why I'm Getting DRESSED

As I'm sure some of you know, for many years, fall and winter have been "hoodie season" for me. I love me a good hoodie...the bigger, the better.

At the first hint of crispness in the air, I grin and dance and think of all things pumpkin spice...and don a hoodie and a pair of jeans.

It's what I do...it's what I did.

A month ago today, as I was getting ready to go to a meeting with Josiah, I had a conversation with God. I was not a happy camper.

I felt, deeply, that he was asking me to get rid of the hoodie and jeans. And so...right there in the shower, I got teary-eyed and angry because, God, you don't seem to understand. It's hoodie SEASON!

I got teary-eyed over a hoodie, y'all.

It had been a long time coming, actually. I felt the Lord leading me to Scriptures that highlighted femininity and the differentiation of the sexes. I felt Him pressing upon my heart.

Finally, that day in the shower I said, Fine. FINE! I'll try it...and I'll talk to Josiah about it, but God, if he thinks this is stupid, then I'm throwing this out the window and putting on a hoodie and jeans.

He did not think it was stupid...at all.

God has been showing us BOTH lately how backwards our culture is: men becoming increasingly less masculine and women becoming increasingly more masculine. So, apparently, He's asking me go against the grain and be more feminine in my dress.

For me, that means dresses and skirts...pretty much all the time outside of the house. That's what it comes down to.

Ladies, we HAVE to reclaim femininity. Go on, women's libbers...ROAR. But it's true. The farther we, as women, get from being feminine, the more we deem it necessary to take control, to rule, to dominate. Likewise, because we're willing to take that control, men take a backseat.

Then, we complain there are no more gentlemen in the world and chivalry is dead. I don't think that's true at all, but if it is WE killed it.

God called men and women to be different, not better or worse, but different. We're just not embracing that anymore.

For a long time, though, I didn't look as my dress as being unfeminine. I just thought it was...humble. I obviously wasn't looking to get any attention like that, right? I looked at verses like the one below, and thought they meant "hoodie season is good":

Your beauty should not consist of outward things

like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes.

Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart

with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which is very valuable in God’s eyes.

1 Peter 3:3-4

What's less elaborate than a messy ponytail?! What's less fine than a hoodie and jeans?! It's what's in the heart that matters!!

And actually, those statements are absolutely true. God DOES want our beauty to come from the inside. We shouldn't seek to be considered beautiful because of the superficial. And yet...

I have found the second part, the gentle and quiet spirit, much more attainable in feminine attire.

Think about it like this, many businesses have certain dress codes for their employees because they want them to behave in a certain manner, right?

Many corporations want very business-like attire because, generally, people have a tendency to behave in a more business-like manner when they are dressed accordingly.

Conversely, some of the younger "dot com" companies have much less rigid dress codes and encourage creativity in dress and culture because they WANT their staffs to be creative.

Likewise, when I'm dressed like a lady, I have a tendency to behave more like one. Even more shocking, I've also discovered that when I'm dressed like a lady, I'm treated more like one.

It's a cycle, folks. 

The few people I've told about this, thus far, have reacted in a variety of ways. A few women from my homeschool group (NONE of whom wear dresses frequently) were very supportive. Others, questioned whether I thought this was for everyone, and others wondered if a lot of ugly denim skirts were coming.

So let me answer a few of your inevitable questions:

Are you saying all women should be wearing dresses and skirts?! 

No. I don't believe that. We've been set free from the law. Yes, it says in Deuteronomy that women shouldn't wear men's clothing. However, it also says Hebrew people shouldn't eat pork...and MMMM, bacon. This is a very personal conviction, and I don't expect anyone else to hop on my bandwagon (so, yes, we can still be friends).

Are you wearing dresses ALL the time? 

Um, no. I'm sure a few of you have seen me at the gym or at Zumba lately, and I have not worn a skirt over my workout clothes. I'm also wearing jeans and sneakers if a particular situation calls for it, like weeding flower beds or any other yard work. I'm not being "religious" about this, ya'll (haha). Right now, I'm wearing a hoodie and sweat pants because I'm in my house and it's 6 a.m. and it's chilly; the situation calls for it.

So, when ARE you wearing dresses then?

Pretty much anytime I leave the house. Even if I'm just running to Wal-mart, I'm actually taking the time to get dressed. It just doesn't take all that long to throw on a skirt and a sweater and make sure my hair actually looks decent.

Are you going to start wearing denim all the time?

No, but I do have a couple denim skirts I really like. I completely understand why certain denominations feel somewhat homely dress is the way to go, and I respect that...but I'm just not there. Quite the opposite, actually. I feel more like God wants me to show that I can dress with femininity and modesty and still have fun with my clothes and feel good in them!

 Do you think ONLY dresses and skirts are feminine?

I KNOW someone is going to call me on this, so I might as well get it out there: you can look gorgeous and feminine in pants. I know people who do it all the time. They wear jeans and slacks and look AWESOME. They look very pretty. So, no. I don't think that's the case. I do, however, think God is calling ME to do it a little differently. That may be because it's a slippery slope for me. Only God knows.

I hope than answered a lot of the more immediate questions. If you have more, PLEASE message me or leave a comment.

I'm really starting to embrace the change, now. I'm having fun actually putting decent outfits together, and I'm really looking forward to expanding my wardrobe here and there, as the budget allows.

There's also a certain level of self care that comes with actually getting dressed decently every day. As a homeschool mom, if I'm not careful, I can spend just about every day looking pretty haggard. I really don't want this to be the way my husband and kids see me and remember me. If I'm running out to Wal-mart, but I'm actually putting on decent clothes, I'm much more likely to spend another 5 seconds making sure my hair looks halfway decent, my mascara isn't 2" under my eyeballs from the day before, and I've actually brushed my teeth already. (Just keeping it real.)

So, there you have it. I do feel like a bit of a freak. Even in my Christian conservative circle of friends, this is not a common conviction.

Nevertheless, God has asked people to do "stranger" things, so for right now, I'll just be happy His call for me is to look decent.

It is my hope, that this outward change in me is more reflective of an inner change. I pray God is not just helping me put on dresses and skirts, but that He's aiding me in clothing myself with strength, dignity, and faith, along with a gentle and quiet spirit because that's what is truly valuable.

What NOT to Wear

I love how God works. Have I mentioned that lately?

I was talking to my friend Lindsay this morning, and we were both talking about things going on in our lives.

I was telling her that at one point yesterday I had to stop in my tracks and pray fervently for protection against lies. I also had to pray that God would work in me to even WANT a soft, teachable, loving heart because at that moment it was dark and cold and hard, and I liked it.

That's just real, my friends. I felt mean and hateful and calloused and cold...and I didn't want to change. I had to pray to WANT to change.

And then my sweet friend said, I have a word from God for YOU. (Reference this post)

*chills*

She said, recently, God had shown her in a very visual way that in order to take up HIS armor, we have to remove our own.

Mind blown.

She said she saw her taking off her own armor and laying it at the feet of Jesus. Only THEN could she pick up and put on HIS armor.

We have to remove our own helmets...the thoughts we know aren't godly, productive, or kind...so we can pick up HIS helmet of salvation.

Drop the breastplates of iron-like fear we've used to protect our hearts from pain...so we can pick up HIS breastplate of righteousness.

Fling off the belts of lies the enemy has tied around us...so we can wrap HIS truth around us.

Kick off the shoes we use to trod over others to elevate ourselves...so we can put on the shoes of peace and take HIS gospel into the world.

Set down the shield of self-reliance we cower behind in a feeble attempt to defend ourselves from all of life's problems...so we can take up our shield of faith in the One who commands Heaven's armies.

And finally, we have to stake in the ground the gnarled swords of our own malicious, hurtful words, swords dripping with venemous death...so we can take up our swords of God's holy truth, HIS Word.

A word TO me, FROM God, THROUGH my sweet friend.

I love how God works.

So that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to shed own armor - the armor that weighs me down, rubs my soft heart raw, and then leaves brutal callouses - and instead, I'm going to take up the only armor that can save me: HIS armor.

I'm going to give without fear of getting in return.

I'm going to love wildly, even though my love may not be returned the way I'd wish.

I'm going to defeat the lies of Satan with truth, and then cut him out of my life with the sword of God's Word.

This is my manifesto.

What armor are you wearing today? Are you burdened with a defense system that's hurting you more than it's helping? Or are you taking up the armor of the one who's yolk is light because he taken all our burdens on himself...who gives peace that passes all understanding?

Today. This hour. This second. You can make the right choice. Choose wisely.