We're Breaking Up: Kicking Out Self-Doubt

"Being prideful isn't thinking too much of oneself,

but thinking of oneself too much."

I don't know who said this, but whomever it was speaks truth.

Anyone who knows me well (or has read this blog at all) probably knows me and and Self-Doubt are the best of frienemies. I try pretty hard to ditch her, but somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I cling to her. I'm a toddler clutching my filthy, ragged blanky; it's disgusting, but comforting.

Sometimes, I forget she's hanging out, but then, mostly when changing hormones are involved, she makes her presence known, like the wallflower at the party who turns into the screaming, crying drunk.

Most recently, this self-doubt has been connected to my business.

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a promoter for a direct marketing company. It has changed and continues to change my life and health and promoting for them is what allows me to stay at home AND keep our budget in the black.

It sounds like I'm successful, but I never really feel that way. Here's the deal, and what I cried about to poor Josiah last night: because I've found a modicum of success in this beautiful direct sales business, it's made me "a leader."

I have a team...a team I'm supposed to be leading to success...a team I'm supposed to encourage toward their own success. In this area...in leading my team...I feel like a constant failure. I have since the beginning.

I feel like a fraud.

I spilled all of this to Josiah last night. He reminded me of a few things, and then today, by the morning light, it all kind of came together.

I AM a leader because I'm doing my best with what God gave me.

That's what I encourage in my team, right? I encourage them to do what they're capable of doing. Why do I expect anything differently from myself?

I look at other leaders in the company and compare my success with theirs, but they aren't me. God didn't put me in their shoes; he put me in mine, and these are the ones in which I am destined to walk.

I love the company, the products, and the founders, but also...

• I am a mother of SIX children: one in college, one navigating the beginning of her teen years, one caught somewhere between funny little boy and learning to be a man, two rambunctious toddlers, and a sweet infant.
• I am a homeschool teacher.
• I am a wife who loves her husband fiercely and passionately and tries desperately to make him and our home a priority.
• I am a friend.
• I am a woman of God.

Here, in the life God gave me, in all these things, I am a LEADER simply because that's who God made me to be.

My leadership just looks different than other leaders in the company...and I need to come to a place where I can be okay with that.

I seek His will and His wisdom each and every day. I try to do my best to "grow my business," but at some point, I have to trust that if I plant the seeds, He will water the garden and bring in the harvest. 

He's the one in control.

There are those in the industry who are praised for "hitting numbers" and letting other things in life slide. If I'm being totally honest, that's what my first couple months in the business looked like because they HAD to. God put the opportunity in my path and a fire in my heart to help people and to help my family, and that sucker BLAZED.

The fire is still there, but now it's a steady, controlled burn...the only kind I can have and still maintain my home and family.

We all have to set our priorities. Mine look like this:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Business

I will still continue to work on my business daily because I BELIEVE in it...but I also believe God made me a girl with a lot of hats, and I need to make sure I'm ordering my life accordingly.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

The Bible says if I acknowledge HIM in all my ways, then He'll keep me on the right path. Therefore, that's what I'm committing to do. I'm going to try my hardest and just trust that if I'm moving in the wrong direction, He'll let me know.

Whenever you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

So, Self-Doubt, today I'm rejecting you. We're breaking up. It's just not working out.

If you're on my team, please know I LOVE YOU. You may not hear from me as often as some of the other leaders, but I pray for you often. I will do anything I can for you, to help and inspire you, whether that's business encouragement or you just need a friend or a prayer. If you need me, please let me know!!

I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, AND a leader. In all these things, I choose to THRIVE.

What NOT to Wear

I love how God works. Have I mentioned that lately?

I was talking to my friend Lindsay this morning, and we were both talking about things going on in our lives.

I was telling her that at one point yesterday I had to stop in my tracks and pray fervently for protection against lies. I also had to pray that God would work in me to even WANT a soft, teachable, loving heart because at that moment it was dark and cold and hard, and I liked it.

That's just real, my friends. I felt mean and hateful and calloused and cold...and I didn't want to change. I had to pray to WANT to change.

And then my sweet friend said, I have a word from God for YOU. (Reference this post)

*chills*

She said, recently, God had shown her in a very visual way that in order to take up HIS armor, we have to remove our own.

Mind blown.

She said she saw her taking off her own armor and laying it at the feet of Jesus. Only THEN could she pick up and put on HIS armor.

We have to remove our own helmets...the thoughts we know aren't godly, productive, or kind...so we can pick up HIS helmet of salvation.

Drop the breastplates of iron-like fear we've used to protect our hearts from pain...so we can pick up HIS breastplate of righteousness.

Fling off the belts of lies the enemy has tied around us...so we can wrap HIS truth around us.

Kick off the shoes we use to trod over others to elevate ourselves...so we can put on the shoes of peace and take HIS gospel into the world.

Set down the shield of self-reliance we cower behind in a feeble attempt to defend ourselves from all of life's problems...so we can take up our shield of faith in the One who commands Heaven's armies.

And finally, we have to stake in the ground the gnarled swords of our own malicious, hurtful words, swords dripping with venemous death...so we can take up our swords of God's holy truth, HIS Word.

A word TO me, FROM God, THROUGH my sweet friend.

I love how God works.

So that's what I'm going to do today. I'm going to shed own armor - the armor that weighs me down, rubs my soft heart raw, and then leaves brutal callouses - and instead, I'm going to take up the only armor that can save me: HIS armor.

I'm going to give without fear of getting in return.

I'm going to love wildly, even though my love may not be returned the way I'd wish.

I'm going to defeat the lies of Satan with truth, and then cut him out of my life with the sword of God's Word.

This is my manifesto.

What armor are you wearing today? Are you burdened with a defense system that's hurting you more than it's helping? Or are you taking up the armor of the one who's yolk is light because he taken all our burdens on himself...who gives peace that passes all understanding?

Today. This hour. This second. You can make the right choice. Choose wisely.

Fighting Doctor "Feel-Good"

Earlier this week, I wrote a post about a very personal internal struggle. (You can read the original post here, if you'd like.) By writing my thoughts and feelings out, as well as the scripture God laid on my heart, I came to peace with my decision.

However, the post caused a ripple effect that I neither expected or intended.

You see, the post had to do with whether Josiah (my beloved husband) and I would attempt to have any more children after our newest is born in October (our 5th). Josiah is completely on board with having another baby because he feels like children are a blessing from God, as it says in the Bible. I would totally agree...I just wasn't (at the time) sure that's what God was calling me to do.

Thus, my internal struggle.

I also spoke about being convicted because the Bible says, as a wife, I'm called to submit to my husband and our bodies no longer belong to us, but to one another. (Side note here: other than being 35 and chunky, there's no reason, medically, why I shouldn't bear more children. I've never had a miscarriage or any other trouble carrying or delivering babies. That's pretty important. My husband loves me more than life itself, and if it presented any probability of danger, he would insist we not try to have more children.)

When I put the link on facebook, I tagged a few people whose input I thought would be very interesting. I had NO idea.

A few wives commented on the post saying that they didn't necessarily feel led to have more children (it is a very personal thing), but that they very much struggle in the area of submission.

Despite the fact that they feel otherwise, they aren't alone, right ladies? We are sinful, fearful, prideful, controlling creatures, and therefore, as wives, it is contrary to our very nature to submit to these also remarkably imperfect creatures, our husbands. 

That's why we need Jesus! If it wasn't hard, we could do it on our own.

So, these ladies remarked that they had a hard time submitting and we encouraged one another. And then...

*sigh*

I tagged someone else in the post: a very old friend who is a pastor. He commented on various aspects of it, one of which was submission. He said, I take a very different view on submission - I believe in mutual submission with Ephesians 5:21 being the umbrella verse - "submit to one another."

GAAAAAAHHHHHH!! WHAT?!

That was my general reaction. I've got women posting on here about how hard they feel it is to submit, and this pastor is posting random, non-biblical things like "mutual submission"?! I felt like I caused a train wreck...and now...now I'm working damage control.

I asked him about this obscure teaching, and he gave me some links. The main one was a sermon by Pastor Andy Stanley. At first I didn't want to even listen to it. I really don't like reading or listening to things I know will make me angry or upset.

BUT, in this case, I felt I had a responsibility to look into it. After all...what if I'm wrong? I'm no biblical scholar. What if I've been thinking of submission in the wrong light? 

But no...I wasn't wrong...and, after watching the video, that was blatantly obvious. As is often true when Satan tries to mislead God's faithful, there was some truth in the teaching, just enough to give it authenticity, but the end result is just a lie.

So...let's have a little talk about this mutual submission concept, shall we?

First, let's take a look at the verse Mr. Stanley quotes as the overarching principle that should rule our homes:

submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 (HCSB)

Well, dang! Looks like I was wrong! Looks like we are supposed to submit to one another. After all, wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't it just be easier if Doctor "Feel Good" was right, and Josiah has to submit to me, too? Off...the...hook, right?

But what about the next verse? The one that reads:

Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord,

for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.

He is the Savior of the body.

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-23 (HCSB)

That seems pretty clear, too. Hmmmm...

Here's the thing: Mr. Stanley quotes Ephesians 5:21 and calls it the ideal (which he's correct about), but says that it's the overarching principle that should rule our homes. Then, he says that the instructions to wives, husbands, and children that follow represent what it looks like in the home. 

Once again, sounds pretty plausible, right? So maybe I AM wrong?!

Maybe we should take a look at Ephesians 5:21 in context. Good exegesis (exactly what it meant at the time and to the audience to whom it was written) and the subsequent hermeneutics (how it applies to our lives) always means looking at the scripture in context. 

So, here it is:

Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk - not as unwise people but as wise - making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. And don't get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless actions, but be filled by the Spirit:  

speaking to one another
in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs,
singing and making music
from your heart to the Lord,
giving thanks always for everything
to God the father
in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,
submitting to one another in the fear of Christ. 
Ephesians 5:18-21 (HCSB)

These are instructions on what the Christian life should look like: indeed, the ideal. It is the picture of the fully mature Christian, who has grown all the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).

Is that you? Is that me? Nope. Net yet. Paul knew that when he was writing it, so you know what he gave us? Instructions on how to get there. Thus...instructions to wives, husbands, and children.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, you'll note that all of these verses were taken from my Bible, the Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB). This translation is very similar to the New International Version (NIV). Both are very committed to accuracy and the original intent of the writers. At times, I use them almost interchangeably.

However, there are times when they differ slightly, and this is one of those times. The NIV shows Ephesians 5:21 as being a separate sentence, all by itself, within the context of how to relate in a family, instead of as part of consistency in the Christian's life.

Why, then, did I choose the HCSB version over the NIV? Because in situations like this, the NIV (like many other versions) have often chosen to translate terms within a more socially acceptable light, as opposed to sticking with the author's initial intent. (One example of this is the Greek word for "slave," which the NIV translates a lot of the time as "servant," but historically and linguistically, the word means nothing other than "slave." A lot of translations made the change because of the negative connotation of the word in Western society, but unfortunately, it changes the meaning of a lot of passages significantly. The HCSB, on the other hand, translates it accurately. For more information on this, you should read Slave by John MacArthur.)

Furthermore, it makes more sense. Does it really make sense to you that parents are to submit to their children? Not so much. We ABSOLUTELY serve our children, completely sacrificially, but we don't submit to them. That's a formula for disaster.

There's another way I know Mr. Stanley didn't do his due diligence when creating this familial concept of mutual submission. He says:

“This principle has nothing to do with authority….It has everything to do with what we do with our authority. This has nothing to do with who makes the decisions. It has everything to do with how we approach the decision making process" (emphasis added). 

Once again, there's some truth in that. Jesus came to serve us, and in turn, we should serve one another. Yes. Many verses back that up.

BUT...he says it has nothing to do with authority, and that...that's malarkey.

Josiah and I hosted The Art of Marriage at our church just a couple weeks ago (FANTASTIC, by the way. We plan to host another in November), and there's an interesting little tidbit I noticed on page 58 of the participant book. It's entitled, The Meaning of Kephale ("head"), and it reads as follows:

Dr. Wayne Grudem, in his effort to defend a biblical view of the roles in marriage, sought to inspect every use of the Greek word kephale, which is translated "head" in Ephesians 5:23. He found 2,336 occurrences of the word in ancient Greek literature, and in every instance, it was used to mean "authority over/ruler." He went on to assert that "no examples have ever been found where person A is called the 'head' of person B and person A is not in a position of authority over person B."

 Huh. You don't say? 2,336 occurrences, and every single one has to do with authority? Very interesting. It would seem, then, that Ephesians 5:23 has everything to do with authority. Everything.

This also negates something said in the other article my pastor friend gave me to reinforce his idea of mutual submission. That one claimed that Ephesians 5:23 has nothing to do with God's words to Eve after the fall of man in Genesis: He said to the woman: I will intensify your labor pains; you will bear children in anguish. Your desire will be for your husband, yet he will rule over you. (Genesis 3:16).

I don't know about y'all, but, particularly in the light of Dr. Grudem's research, those seem totally related.

Now, should a husband love (agape), his wife as Christ loved the church? Completely sacrificially, putting her well-being over his own? Well, absolutely, but it's like we say in our house...you need to worry about yourself. 

As wives, we have to be concerned about our responsibility in the marital relationship because that's what God calls us to do, and it's our submission to HIM, and our relationship with HIM, that compels our obedience to scripture, and therefore, our submission to our husbands.

Can I get an AMEN?! (Apparently, Mr. Stanley doesn't believe in saying Amen in his church either, he says in the video. So, I say it out of complete defiance. AMEN.)

The final nail in the coffin for me, regarding Mr. Stanley's presentation, was his little blurb to non-Christians in the audience at the very end. He thanks them for being there and says he's glad to have them (Awesome! I'm on board with that), and then he tells them that they don't have to be Christians for this to work in their families. He says, You can be a better family if you use this without being a Christian family.

And that was it. He made no mention of why they need Christ in their lives. None. No mention of being lost or brokenness. No mention of needing the Spirit of Christ in you in order to attain the ideal he talks about in Ephesians 5:21. None.

In that one little bit, he reduces Jesus from the Savior of mankind, whom we all need because we're all hopelessly lost without him, despite how great of a life we THINK we might live according to earthly standards, to a new age self-help guru.

You don't need to be saved. Just apply this principle, and you, too, can have a really groovy family dynamic!

Those weren't his exact words, but that's the end result.

Here's a good measuring stick. If your family exhibits all the other signs that you're completely spiritually mature - speaking to one another all the time in psalms and hymns, singing and making music from your heart to the Lord, and constantly giving thanks to God - then you've attained full Christ-likeness. Congratulations!!

However, if your family is like mine - you love, but you still struggle with being sinful and prideful and controlling and fearful - then please, follow your portion of the instructions Paul gives at the end of Ephesians.

Submission isn't easy ladies, I know. Some of you have husbands whom, you feel, are not fit leaders or have no interest in leading. Some of your husbands are talking the talk, but they're walking over in left field. Some of you aren't even married to believers. It's hard. That's why we need Jesus. 

I plan on writing another post later about biblical submission, in general, but I will say this: it is not being a doormat, but making a conscious decision obey God and trust in His word, to abandon fear and take up the breastplate of righteousness, covering our hearts in the safety of our Lord.

In fact, we are not weak, but warriors for God, taking up His full armor, fighting against Satan's influence in our lives and in the lives of our families.

Biblical submission is powerful, ladies. It is not weakness in the family, but strength in our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Wives, in the same way, submit to your own husbands so that,

even if some disobey the Christian message,

they may be won over without a message

by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives.

Your beauty should not consist of outward things

like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes.

Instead, it should consist of what's inside the heart

with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which is very valuable in God's eyes.

For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God

also beautified themselves in this way,

submitting to their own husbands, 

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

You have become her children when you do what is good

and are not frightened by anything alarming.

1 Peter 3:1-6 (HCSB, emphasis added)