Why do I do these things?!

For I do not understand my own actions. 

For I do not do what I want, but do the very thing I hate.

Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.

So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

For I do not do the good I want,

but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Now, if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it,

but sin that dwells within me.

Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)

Don't you just love this passage of Scripture? I feel like it's the most vulnerable we see Paul. He seems to be saying, "Why do I keep jacking things up?! I HATE SIN!"

Often, I think we try to control our behavior without really analyzing the root causes. We just try to strong-arm ourselves into acting "properly." What's the real crux of the issue, though? Without addressing the sinful motivations behind our behavior, even if we change ourselves outwardly, it's just acting.

We have to change from the inside out. I don't know if you know this, but that's HARD and messy.

Yesterday, I wrote about our Ministry Preview visit with FamilyLife®. As part of the "wait" process, we've been asked to continue working on learning how to fulfill our God-given roles as husband and wife. Kind of a life-long task, right?

For me, this means, learning to reign in my natural inclination to charge forward and let Josiah lead. The fact that I need to work on this isn't exactly news. I've been trying for some time. However, the trip to Arkansas really made me look at WHY I'm having problems doing it.

I REALLY want to let Josiah lead. It's something I've always wanted. Why, then, do I find it so difficult in some situations? Why do I jump in front of him?

Paul's message above is pretty clear: we do things we know we shouldn't because of sin. Duh.

But sin is a pretty broad term. What sin, in particular, is causing me to take the proverbial wheel in many situations, even though I really want Josiah to drive?

I would love to say that I found the answer through deep thought, but with me, God has apparently found that's not what does the trick. I, apparently, learn best when I've made an ass of myself. That's when I do my best self-analysis.

I've found 2 main culprits in this "why do I keep doing this?" dance: what people think of me and anxiety. Actually, when I feel anxiety, it's often because of what I feel people are thinking of me...sooooooo, maybe it's just one root thing:

PRIDE

To address this, I've just finished kind of a self-guided study through what it really means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. As a basis, I've been using Characteristics of a Meek and Quiet Spirit by Kimberly Wagner (which she actually adapted from writing by Matthew Henry).

At first glance, I looked at that list contrasting the meek spirit vs. the fretful, I thought it was sort of self-explanatory. Plus, I have a tendency to think of myself as pretty low on the fretful scale....

WRONG.

The more I looked, the more I realized that, while I might not be outwardly anxious, I often try to control or manipulate people or circumstances, depending on my own "wisdom" or personality traits, and thereby, refusing to trust God to do His job. 

Each day, I've looked at one of the contrasts, written the scriptures out, and written out what I feel God is saying to me about it. 

The study has shown me SO MUCH sin in my life, Now, I'm actually going back through it again to analyze some of the Greek and Hebrew words in the Scripture, and I'm going through it with the girls.

At first, I thought I would share it with them just so they could learn to have gentle spirits. However, it's revealed so much of my own junk, now I've found I want to share it with them simply so they can know why I fail so often in my parenting journey, and what struggling spiritually really looks like.

I would love for you to come along with me on this journey. Sometimes, it's nice to come alongside friends, even if it is a journey through the land of exposing spiritual junk!

How do you "give your burdens" to God?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we have a MIGHTY God, and I LOVE how He works!!

A few days ago I wrote this blog post where I was just REALLY convicted by a friend: I was operating under a spirit of fear, not trust in a sovereign God.

A day or two after that, I found a reading plan on fear on YouVersion. In the first couple days, this was the verse:

Give your burdens to the Lord,

and he will take care of you.

He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

(Psalm 55:22)

When I read that, I saw a picture in my mind:

 I saw myself walking with Josiah (my studly, friendly giant of a husband) up a hill in the dark. I was asking him to help me, but I insisted on carrying a bunch of heavy boxes by myself. I couldn't see over the boxes and I kept tripping and falling. He wanted to carry them, but I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself.  

Then, I saw how the picture changed when I gave the boxes over to Josiah. He could carry them easily with one hand, and help guide me through the dark with the other.

Now, the difference here is, Josiah doesn't necessarily know the way, and his strength has its limits. But guess whose doesn't?! MY GOD!

Everything just became so startling clear. By carrying my fears, worries, and anxieties around, I am impeding my own progress! 

Later, I was talking to my sweet sis-in-love, Jamie, about this and she asked me the best question ever. She said, I'm not trying to be funny, but we, as Christians, always say, "just give your burdens to God," but what do you think that really looks like in our Christian walk?

She's right. We say these things sometimes, just quoting away, and we haven't really thought out completely what it LOOKS like in our lives. I could probably write multiple blog posts JUST on that: what the Scriptures actually look like when we walk them out (and I might!).

So when she asked me, I really paused to think about it...what DOES it look like to give all our burdens to God.

While thinking about it, God brought this scripture to mind:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -

his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

WOW!

I know this is a fairly common scripture to a lot of y'all, so I'm gonna break down how I see this as it applies to this topic.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world...

In our society, we wear business and worry like badges of honor, and apparently, I've made myself the self-proclaimed queen of that world, because I've been a SUPER busy worrier. But that's not what God wants. He doesn't want us to be busy worriers...He wants peaceful warriors. It's almost like, if we're really busy and worried, we add to our significance in this life, but that is such a hopeless perspective. As Christians, we should set our minds above the worries of this world!

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

This is SO unbelievably important! Our thoughts create pathways in our minds that get deeper and deeper based upon how frequent the thoughts are and the emotions we attach to them. So, if we're spending tons of time worrying, we're literally creating negative pathways in our brains that we will begin to traverse more and more often. 

Giving our burdens to God means renewing our minds...continuously.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Do you see where this is going??? Only AFTER we renew our minds, are we able to properly see the perfect will of God in our lives!!

Mind. Blown.

So, what does it look like in the Christian walk? Exactly what Paul said: take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Do you see where this is leading? We can't just hand a burden over to God once? We have to do it continually. We have to lean on God continuously...always thanking Him...praying without ceasing.

It all walks hand in hand.

Today, tomorrow, this week...as you walk through your days, try to be mindful of your thoughts. Whenever worry and anxiety creep in, RIGHT AWAY, pray. Ask God to help you hand it over.

And then...the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

God's Holy Tether

He stands there alone, eyes fixed forward and chest high. I'm sure he's praying. How could he not be?

Praying for all of us. 

Praying for the people who were touched by the Spirit, but are unwilling to move. 

Praying for those who the sermon should have touched, but didn't because their hearts are hard and their ears clamped shut.

He had just delivered a powerful sermon, the gospel made personal to each of us. I felt sure it would stir many to tears and revive hearts and spirits, convict and cleanse. But now, as he stood there during the public invitation, I watched him: motionless, praying, patiently waiting.

For a moment, I was discouraged for him.

Then, I thought about every other week. Sometimes people respond to the invitation, but more often than not, he stands there the same as this week: motionless, praying, patiently waiting.

How does he do that?!

That's the question that was screaming at me as we drove home that afternoon. 

I get so discouraged sometimes. I've been discouraged because, despite a serious increase in effort lately, my blog readership seems weak and, sometimes, even in decline. I've been discouraged by the underwhelming show of enthusiasm for The Art Of Marriage event coming up, feeling like I'm trying to coax people into making marriage a priority - a cheerleader for a losing team.

Yet, there he stands each week, peace and joy in his countenance.

Of course, I had to send him an email to ask him. I just couldn't let it go. If we're going to go into ministry, I need the voice of experience to give me a little guidance, because I'm drowning in a pool, of hopeless, self-pity already...and we've only just begun.

His response?

Discouragement in ministry is oh so common. We ALL go through discouragement. And sorry to say, it is a shadow that will always follow you. I have to own that emotion and then tie a rope around it and pull it to the side. To deny I have those feelings is, I think unhealthy. But to let discouragement rule the day only creates lethargy. I am reminded that people are fickle and God is trustworthy. We are commanded to sew and it is God bring the harvest.

So relax. Keep both hands on the plow.

Um...a shadow that will follow me? Fantastic. However, I spoke with him a bit later, and he elucidated...and it changed everything.

He said that discouragement and ministry go hand-in-hand, but it has its uses because it keeps us constantly tied to God, relying on Him to be the encouragement we need. 

I could feel the light bulb blink on above my head.

We have to stay connected with Him all the time, keeping our pride out of the way, and relying on Him to do His will through us. Our meager efforts aren't meant to conquer armies and hardened hearts. It's only God working through us that can do those things.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

If we could do it all by ourselves, then we wouldn't need a Savior, would we? But we do...we really do. 

This extends far beyond those in "ministry," though. God often allows discouragement and despair in our lives so we will seek Him, relying on His strength.  

It can be a hard lesson to learn.

Recently, I had a teensy-weensy emotional breakdown...which translates to I was bawling like a baby and everything seemed hopeless and wrong. I did what I normally do in those moments: pray and then call my sister-in-law, Jamie, to talk me down. As always, it was worth the call.

She suggested that perhaps I was coming to the end of myself...the end of my talents, my strengths. God was pushing me to rely on His strength instead of my own.

And she was absolutely right.

God wants us tethered to His strength, instead of trying to operate on our own.

What are you trying to handle by yourself right now? What has you discouraged and hopeless? What situation or predicament are you trying to handle with your own strength, instead of placing it in the hands of our loving, almighty God?

Today is the day, my friends. Turn it over to Him, and if you're like me, pray about keeping it turned over because I have a tendency to try to take it back. Put your worries where they belong, and have faith that, indeed, all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,

that he may lift you up in due time. 

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-8