Identity Crisis

Well...this is awkward.

It's been so long since I've written, I barely feel I know how. Pardon me while I limp along.

For the past couple years, my identity has been a central theme. I look back on posts like this one from last year and laugh a little.

In it, I said I was "Almost Alissa." God had spoken to me, shown me who He wanted me to be, and somehow, I ascertained that I was ALMOST there. Just a little more tweaking, I thought, and then...then I'll be who God wants me to be in order to achieve the purposes He has for me.

I am both amused and shocked by my own naivete. My identity is much more "in flux" than I realized.

I've struggled some recently because I was feeling like I don't "fit in" at our new church. It's been difficult for me to form relationships, and often, I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

However, last week, at a vision meeting for the worship team, I realized the real crux of the issue.

During an ice breaker we were supposed to take selfies with the people around us. Some ran around enthusiastically taking pictures with one another, while others of us took selfies with the people around us, but beyond that, were comfortable sitting back and watching the others.

One of the younger team members came over to take a selfie with us, and she said, "I don't know if ya'll are introverts or what, but I love y'all, too! Let's take a selfie!"

I was totally okay with the selfie, but I REELED at the thought that I was being perceived as an introvert, not because I don't like introverts (I happen to LOVE them), but because that statement challenged everything I know about my identity.

I have known one thing from a VERY young age...I am an extrovert. I am a chatty, upbeat people-person.

I thought about it for the rest of the meeting and I came to a realization: the reason I'm not connecting with other people right now is because I'm not even connecting with myself. It reminded me of this conversation from the Lion King:

Adult Simba: Creepy little monkey. Would you stop following me! Who are you?
Rafiki: The question is, who... are you?
Adult Simba: [sighs] I thought I knew, but now I'm not so sure.
Rafiki: Well, I know who you are! Shh. Come here, it's a secret. [Whispers, then grows louder]
Rafiki: Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana!
Adult Simba: Enough already! What's that supposed to mean, anyway?
Rafiki: It means you're a baboon... and I'm not.
Adult Simba: I think you're a little confused.
Rafiki: Wrong! I'm not the one who's confused. You don't even know who you are!
Adult Simba: Oh, and I suppose you know?
Rafiki: Sure do. You're Mufasa's boy! 

Obviously, I don't own this image. This is all Disney. :)

I thought I knew who I was, or at least, I thought I was close, but now I see it in a different light.

I'm not confused because I lost sight of who I am. I'm confused because I somehow lost sight of WHOSE I am. I am God's girl.

What I'm starting to realize, is that my personality will be in transition my entire life. Some elements will probably stay: joy, bubbliness, a degree of silliness, and I'll always be an extrovert at heart. However, other aspects of my personality may look different in different seasons or different situations. 

No matter what, though, I can never be who God wants me to be if I lose sight of the fact that I'm HIS, and anything I go through, whether tragedy or transition, is according to His purpose for my life: to teach me and to train me. 

All things work together for the good of those who love God:

those who are called according to HIS purpose.

Romans 8:28 (HCSB, emphasis added)

All things are not good. All feelings are not good. All seasons are not good.

But all things WORK TOGETHER for the good of those who love God, and who can recognize that what they "want" is not God's purpose. Sometimes we have to let go of what we want in order to receive what is truly best: God's purpose.

I've always felt a pressure to perform as the "Alissa" everyone expected me to be: positive, outgoing, talkative, etc. If I wasn't in character, then I was a disappointment. I felt the need to apologize for "not being myself."

However, I now understand that no one's expectations of who I am or how I behave can define me, and in reality, those expectations are for more internal than external. If I have a deep, abiding connection with God, "me" at any given moment will reflect HIM, and that's really all that matters.

Ironically, giving myself that freedom has actually made me feel more like "me" than I have in a REALLY long time. I feel settled, less like a performer and more genuine.

Many times in the Bible, we are told to take off our old way of life and clothes ourselves in Christ. As the sanctification process takes place, and we become ever more a reflection of Him, that outer garment changes to reflect the process.

There are times I have a message to share that I feel will deeply impact someone, and there are times I just feel it necessary to explain what's going on with me. This post is by far the latter.

Nevertheless, friend, if you feel "not yourself" lately - if you're not even sure who "yourself" is anymore - please know you are not alone, and that the only thing that really matters is that you know WHOSE you are.

Embrace that. Find yourself in Jesus, the one who is same, yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8).

How do you "give your burdens" to God?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we have a MIGHTY God, and I LOVE how He works!!

A few days ago I wrote this blog post where I was just REALLY convicted by a friend: I was operating under a spirit of fear, not trust in a sovereign God.

A day or two after that, I found a reading plan on fear on YouVersion. In the first couple days, this was the verse:

Give your burdens to the Lord,

and he will take care of you.

He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

(Psalm 55:22)

When I read that, I saw a picture in my mind:

 I saw myself walking with Josiah (my studly, friendly giant of a husband) up a hill in the dark. I was asking him to help me, but I insisted on carrying a bunch of heavy boxes by myself. I couldn't see over the boxes and I kept tripping and falling. He wanted to carry them, but I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself.  

Then, I saw how the picture changed when I gave the boxes over to Josiah. He could carry them easily with one hand, and help guide me through the dark with the other.

Now, the difference here is, Josiah doesn't necessarily know the way, and his strength has its limits. But guess whose doesn't?! MY GOD!

Everything just became so startling clear. By carrying my fears, worries, and anxieties around, I am impeding my own progress! 

Later, I was talking to my sweet sis-in-love, Jamie, about this and she asked me the best question ever. She said, I'm not trying to be funny, but we, as Christians, always say, "just give your burdens to God," but what do you think that really looks like in our Christian walk?

She's right. We say these things sometimes, just quoting away, and we haven't really thought out completely what it LOOKS like in our lives. I could probably write multiple blog posts JUST on that: what the Scriptures actually look like when we walk them out (and I might!).

So when she asked me, I really paused to think about it...what DOES it look like to give all our burdens to God.

While thinking about it, God brought this scripture to mind:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -

his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

WOW!

I know this is a fairly common scripture to a lot of y'all, so I'm gonna break down how I see this as it applies to this topic.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world...

In our society, we wear business and worry like badges of honor, and apparently, I've made myself the self-proclaimed queen of that world, because I've been a SUPER busy worrier. But that's not what God wants. He doesn't want us to be busy worriers...He wants peaceful warriors. It's almost like, if we're really busy and worried, we add to our significance in this life, but that is such a hopeless perspective. As Christians, we should set our minds above the worries of this world!

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

This is SO unbelievably important! Our thoughts create pathways in our minds that get deeper and deeper based upon how frequent the thoughts are and the emotions we attach to them. So, if we're spending tons of time worrying, we're literally creating negative pathways in our brains that we will begin to traverse more and more often. 

Giving our burdens to God means renewing our minds...continuously.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Do you see where this is going??? Only AFTER we renew our minds, are we able to properly see the perfect will of God in our lives!!

Mind. Blown.

So, what does it look like in the Christian walk? Exactly what Paul said: take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Do you see where this is leading? We can't just hand a burden over to God once? We have to do it continually. We have to lean on God continuously...always thanking Him...praying without ceasing.

It all walks hand in hand.

Today, tomorrow, this week...as you walk through your days, try to be mindful of your thoughts. Whenever worry and anxiety creep in, RIGHT AWAY, pray. Ask God to help you hand it over.

And then...the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

Lessons from Friends and Family

Hi everyone!  I posted yesterday about being nervous and scared regarding what will happen with me occupationally after having the baby.  I got some of the coolest responses from friends and family, and I learned a lot from them.  Today is all about those lessons!

1. Two people told me to breathe which means I must have been giving off a hyperventilating vibe.  I would love to say that wasn't the case, and it just came off that way because I was "stream of consciousness" writing.  But let's be real...I totally needed to breathe.  See?  That's one of the reasons I like writing this blog so much!  I don't always allow myself to express these frustrations or fears until I can write them out or work them out with someone verbally.  I just shove them to the side until they make me a little nuts!  So...thank you Julie and Trish...I breathed. :P
2. Another friend sent me a private message on FB and told me how God had worked in her family's life which led to her being able to stay at home.  She also said she feels like God worked in her husband's heart to make that his desire for the family, and therefore, a desire they both shared.  She shared Psalm 37:4 which states that if we find our delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts, which she took to mean if we are truly seeking His will and glory, he will work in our hearts to make HIS desires our desires.  Well...that's novel...and probably remarkably accurate. I think I tend to over-inflate my importance and underestimate His abilities.  
3. My cousin Trish actually said a few things that got me.  The first was "breathe," but we already went over that.  Second, she told me to look up Matthew 6:31-34.  It says, " So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Well...ouch.  Worrying like the pagans.  Yeesh.  I'm spending time worrying instead of trusting my ALMIGHTY God.  Nice...is that a waste of time much?  Furthermore, if having an active faith is what distinguishes me from those who don't know our loving, faithful God, I might want to put my "money where my mouth is" so to speak, and live my faith.
4. She then noted 1 Peter 5:7 which says to cast all our anxieties on the Lord.  We all know that though, right?  And we just talked about that a second ago.  But she also said I shouldn't give him my anxieties and then take them back.  Yay...more conviction.  She's absolutely right.  I keep praying and telling Him I'm going to trust Him, and then I yank my concerns back as though HE isn't capable of handling them...like I'm going to be better at it. *sigh*  

So, that's what I learned from my friends...I'm a spastic, non-trusting, anxiety taker-backer (I was going to say "Indian Giver" and then realized that's probably not at all a nice term).  Kidding...I know that's not what my loving friends and family meant, but a good dose of conviction along with love and support is never a bad thing.  I'm very appreciative.

There were also a couple little things that have happened in the last couple days to confirm this desire in my heart to be with my kids.  

First, in the introductions we have to do at the beginning of our classes one girl said she was a mom and a wife and went on to note that those were full-time jobs, but she wasn't currently working for pay outside the home.  I posted a reply to her saying that I agreed with her completely!  Being a wife and mom IS a full-time job, and I told her unfortunately, I feel like I've been a full-time worker outside the home for quite some time and my kids have been my part-time job.

*Insert sound of record screeching to a halt*

Did I really just say that?  Did I really just say that I feel my children (and now my husband), have been my part-time job?!  Yes.  Yes I did.  Furthermore, not only did I say it, I knew I actually felt it.  I had never thought it out loud before or even acknowledged it, but it is the absolute truth, and it made me SO SAD.

Mind you, there isn't really anything I could have done about it before.  Single moms rarely get to be stay at home moms unless they're getting some wicked child/spousal support, and that just isn't happening. 

But I'm married now, and we decided to leave the timing of a new baby up to God, and God said NOW.  I truly think that says something.  I knew I was supposed to be waiting for something (see this post).  I've known that for some time.  I got confirmation of it when I went to the Women of Faith conference.  I was waiting...and I think this was what I was waiting for.  I would NOT be considering not working right now if God hadn't placed this beautiful creature in my womb.

Also, another friend emailed me yesterday telling me how wonderful she was doing (because I had asked) and told me how much she had loved staying at home for the past year with her kids, that she would never have a career again (just jobs, if necessary), and to absolutely do it if I ever got the chance.  What's odd about this?  She wrote this to me on the same day I wrote that blog...but hadn't read my blog yet.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Okay God, I'm listening.  You have my trust and my attention.

Thank you to all the friends and family that love and support me so much...and make me see the light when I'm covering my own eyes.  I love you all.