Seeing His Hands

I sank to my knees in the middle of the kitchen, paying no attention to the fact that the linoleum was cold and hard and the fact that my husband might think I was insane.

But he didn't.

He joined me on the cold kitchen floor, and raw emotion crashed over me like waves.

I cried, and in a quiet voice I prayed:

"Thank you dear, Lord. 

Thank you for your many blessings,

but thank you most of all for revealing yourself to me.

Thank you for knowing I needed to see your hands working in my life,

and thank you for so graciously giving me what I needed.

Just thank you."

In his book The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson says, "In order to experience a miracle, you have to take a risk." Of course, he's not talking about taking just ANY risks; he's talking about taking those risks the Holy Spirit is speaking into your ear, the ones that don't add up on paper - but hey, 5 loaves and 2 fishes can't feed thousands either, right?

Just about a year ago, Josiah and I were struggling with whether I should quit my job to stay home with the kids or continue working. We both felt me staying home was best for our family, but...

let's just say we were wondering about God's ability to do math.

Everything we felt, heard, and experienced, though, told us that I was supposed to stay at home (and the decision to homeschool was not far behind). We trusted that God would provide...and oh, has He provided...in so many ways.

Here's the thing, when you're put in a position of pure dependence on God in alignment with His will, then you are in the very humbling and awe-inspiring position of seeing His hand move...a lot.

And in the last 10 months, that's exactly what we've seen:

• when we needed a new van and He gave us one for 1/3 of it's actual value
• when that van lost it's transmission while we were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains and He provided in so many ways, through so many people
• when we bought a lot of books at an auction for $10 and wound up selling one of them for $880
• when friends of ours sponsored us to go to a Smart Stepfamilies conference and bought us lunch afterward
• when $250 showed up on our doorstep right before Christmas
• when loving family members went out and bought quite a few presents from us to the kids
• when our dear friends handed us a check and simply said "Merry Christmas"
• when grandparents sent gift cards and money for Christmas that have been such a blessing
• and yesterday, when one of Josiah's regular customers who just loves him blessed us with over $100 in groceries and a $25 gift card to match...and I found myself thanking God on the kitchen floor.

It started pretty simply, apparently. One of Josiah's elderly customers chats with him regularly, and just loves him to death; she even sent us some of her homemade rhubarb jam at one point. When they spoke yesterday, she asked how Christmas was, and he said it was great. He told her that things were tight, but how we'd been blessed by God through the people around us. He told her that I'm staying home with the kids and homeschooling. She talked about her grandkids.

And then...

She came up to Josiah and asked him to come out to the car with her. She handed him a $25 gift card, and then she took a small bag of groceries out of the full cart and gave the rest of the cart to him. I don't think he'd mind me telling you he cried and gave her a big hug.

He showed up at home with a kitchen full of groceries - staples that we use every, single day - and that's when I sunk to the floor, overwhelmed with joy.

See, here's the deal: our budget is tight, and things are late sometimes, but we're not absolutely destitute; we're decently broke, but we're not starving or anything. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I don't appreciate the groceries. That is such a huge help.

But more than that, I was overwhelmed by the sense of God's presence in my life, staring at me on the kitchen counter in such a tangible way. It was more than my heart could take; it sapped the strength from my legs and the joy spilled from my eyes.

Pure, joy and thankfulness.

Conversely, this has been a hard post for me to write. It's hard to tell the world you're poor and someone gave you groceries. That's just not how we're put together. The world says no matter what's going on in your life you're supposed to put on a happy face and pretend we have it all together.

But God says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God 

so that at the proper time He may exalt you....

1 Peter 5:6

and

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

2 Corinthians 11:30

So I had to write it. I had to. God has blessed us so much, and used so many people to do it. How could I not shout His praises for it from the rooftops? How could I not tell everyone about all the beautiful ways He's touched our lives?

I just had to, and now that I have, I will send this into cyberspace and hope you're blessed by reading it.

What risk is God telling you to make? What is He telling you to do that's making you respond by saying, "but God, it just doesn't add up?!"

Listen to Him today. Let Him guide you. He'll never steer you wrong.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. 

"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Linking up with:
Time Warp Wife
Juana Mikels
Simply Beth

Preparing for Rain

Josiah is just gonna kill me one of these days...not literally, but ya know...get really mad.

I have a tendency to tell a lot of personal things on this blog.  I don't air dirty laundry, but I do get pretty real with what's going on in our lives sometimes.

Today...not any different.  It's story time, folks.

Once upon a time (last night), Alissa came home and found her husband distraught. 

*Don't worry, here ends the third person narrative*

I asked him what was wrong, and he said he had just been doing some heavy praying.  Ummm...I think that's totally awesome, but isn't really an answer to the question.  After a little more questioning from me I got my answer.  He looked at his direct deposit, and it was WAY lower than it had been previously...about $100 lower.  He looked at last week's deposit as well...and that was way lower, too.  It seems the deduction for my health insurance started and cut his take home pay significantly.  $400 per month is giant for us right now...a deal breaker for our budget.  Neither of us could remember exactly how much was supposed to be deducted per week, but we didn't think it was that much.  We have some in savings, but at this rate, it will be gone by the end of next month.

Both of us tried to make the other feel better.  Josiah said he was sure God is just making it blatantly obvious that we can't make it on our own...we need Him and whatever blessings He is about to provide.  I agreed, but told him not to worry.  No matter what we'll be fine.  I stopped working, but if I need to, I can always find another job.  Maybe I can work part time waitressing at night or something, right?  Or maybe I can even get another full-time desk job, and we'll just pay for childcare.

However, inside, I think we were both screaming "WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!"

We prayed so hard about me quitting work.  Seriously.  Remember all those blogs about that?  We waited patiently to make a decision on that until we really felt it was God's will.  I followed all the rules on seeking His will.  I prayed.  I read  His word.  I sought counsel.  I paid attention to the things believers in my life were saying.  

How could I have made this much of a mistake?  I'm normally a budgeting pro (not that I stick with it, but maaaaan, I can totally crunch some numbers).  Why didn't I see this coming?  Why didn't I know exactly how much we were going to be making WITH my insurance taken out.  Hello?  It's cash flow.  I'm majoring (partially) in Business and worked in an accounting office for almost 5 years, for crying out loud!!  Where are my spreadsheets and charts?!

First, I kind of forgot about Josiah's insurance amount changing when he added me.  He's been carrying the kids since the beginning of the year, but it changes from an employee + kids plan to a family plan when you add the spouse.  Once again, I am well versed in benefits.  I know this stuff.  Why didn't I think of it?

Because I took it for granted.

I took it for granted that if it was God's will, then it would work out.  Thus far, I've been absolutely correct.  Just as we were looking at how tight our budget was going to be a few weeks ago, Josiah got a call from his brother saying that he had too much work, and he asked if Josiah would be willing to learn his job so he can work part time for him.  Blessing!!

But now there's this.  I held my chin up for a little bit, but after a while, I started to slump.  I felt so stupid for quitting my job.  What if?  What if I had prepared better?  What if I had seen this coming and hadn't quit?  I was making pretty decent money!  Then there's the fact that poor Josiah is working two jobs to try to support my kids and I.  I went back to the "bad place," the place in my head and my heart where I just know Josiah would have been better off if he'd never met me...that we're a burden to him, and he would have been so much better off if he'd fallen in love with a girl with less...well, just less (except money, more money probably would have been good).  We were now both distraught.

In the end, it occurred to me that they started taking insurance out on May 1, but my coverage started on April 1.  Therefore, there's a very good possibility that they were doubling up on the deductions for me until that gets caught up. When we went online to look at his benefits info it and looked at the amount per year that should be deducted for a family plan, it looks like this is a very likely possibility.  We would have more solid information, but the benefits site is really quirky and shut down in the middle of our search.  It still makes our budget unbelievably tight, though.

It was time to pray...good, old fashioned, on-our-knees prayer.  Which we did...and will continue to do.  Josiah also decided he was going to fast for 24 hours.  I would have joined him, but that isn't wise while breastfeeding.  Ironically, however, every time I ate today I thought of him not eating and I prayed.  Is that vicarious fasting?  Normally, you're not supposed to announce that you're fasting (Matthew 6:16-18), but he didn't announce it to everyone, I am...and only because honestly, that would never have occurred to me.  I don't think of fasting, and I don't hear people talk about it much, but it's a strong partner to prayer in the Bible.  It wasn't required of the early Christians, but it's mentioned that they did it in quite a few places in Acts.

Josiah also noted that, no matter what, he was glad I wasn't at PMI anymore.  I hated my job.  The people were awesome (I still miss them!), but my job?  I had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stand my job, and honestly, I don't think I was really doing my best.  They deserve better than that.  He said I would have been crying and dreading going back from the minute Phinehas was born, and he was right.  I would have been miserable.  Tomorrow, Phinehas will be 6 weeks old, and I would be a depressed, crying, snotty mess thinking about going back to work on Monday morning.

Today I think I've developed even more perspective on the situation, and I'm amazed by how God works in every situation...how he indeed goes before us.  

First, we started to watch Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" DVD's again on Sunday, I just finished reading his book, and printed out the quickie budget for us to work on earlier in the day yesterday.  

Second, while normally the "nerd," the cruncher of all numbers, I think God kept me from doing that this time...because I wouldn't have quit my job.  I just wouldn't.  If the cold numbers had stared me in the face when I was trying to make this decision, I don't think I would have stepped out in faith.  

Third, I can't get the last couple scenes in "Facing the Giants" out of my head.  All I keep hearing is "What is impossible with God?" and the obvious answer is "absolutely nothing."  I'm also reminded of the scene where an elderly gentleman gives the struggling coach the following scenario:

Two farmers are in the midst of a drought.

Both farmers pray for rain, 

but only one goes out and prepares his fields to receive it.

Which one had more faith?

Josiah and I are praying for rain...we just need to prepare our fields to receive it.  Quitting my job to stay at home was part of that.  

Good Lord in Heaven, we are praying for your blessings.  We can't do this without you.  We know you've been telling us this is the way to go, so Lord, we have faith you will provide.  Lord you know we're willing to work hard on the other side of any door you open for us, and we're willing to work hard in the hallway while we wait for your open doors.  And like the father in Mark who needed his son to be healed, we say we do believe, help our unbelief.  We have faith, but we're praying for more...praying that the Holy Spirit will give us the peace that passes all understanding in Christ Jesus because we have presented our worries to You.  We praise your holy name!!!

So now it's public.  You all know we're broke and struggling, but you also know how God is moving our lives.  

I'll look forward to telling you all about the rain. :)

To be continued....

Panic and Peace

I had a thought in the shower this morning.  Come to think of it, I do a lot of thinking in the shower.  That may be because it's some of the only time I get alone to think.  Anyway...

I thought about the movie we went to see last night ("Oz the Great and Powerful"), and I sort of sighed to myself, "I guess that's the last movie I'll see for a while."

And for just a moment, I freaked out a little bit about having a newborn again.

What else wouldn't I be able to do?  Have I forgotten how much work infants are?  It will be forever before I have time away again!

And then I thought about my gorgeous kids.

How beautiful Destiny gets every day.  She'll be 15 tomorrow.  Wasn't it just yesterday she was a baby sleeping on my chest?

My girls with their Nana.  This picture was in the Lynchburg newspaper today because my mom wrote and published a children's e-book and my girls illustrated it.

And little Emily...she's not so little anymore.  She's 10 now, and I feel like I can almost SEE her growing, and she's becoming a gorgeous young lady.

And my Ryan.  When did we stop calling him "the baby"?  I know just yesterday or the day before someone told me we'd have to stop calling him that eventually...but no...that was a few years ago.  He's 6 now.

I realized in those few short moments that the teeny weeny bit of time we get to be tied to them, when they need us for everything, is a blessing, not a burden.

I'm so excited to meet our new addition.  I can't wait to hold that precious little creature in my arms. It's going to be wonderful to share the experience with Josiah, too.   God gave me the best person I could possibly imagine, and He allowed us to create a new, little life.

I am blessed.

And I am grateful.