Rejecting the Gift

Picture this...

You've put together a beautiful gift for your kids. You planned for an incredibly long time. You saved. You sacrificed. Then, the day comes for you to reveal this amazing gift, and not just a gift they want, but a gift they desperately NEED. Your heart is in it. Your soul is in it. You can't wait to see how blessed they are by it!

But they reject it.

Some of them just can't really figure it out. They don't really understand it. So you think, maybe later.

But others see it, understand it, and pick it up and look at it...only to toss it aside to run off and play in the trash heap.

Painful, right? Heart-breaking. That's how I've been treating God's grace.

Grace is the word the Holy Spirit planted in my heart to focus on this year. I've been studying it, thinking about it, trying to figure out how to walk in it. It's a journey.

But then...

Last Saturday, Josiah and I took part in a service project with our life group. On the way home, someone sent me a picture of the group...and I was mortified.

Despite the fact that I said I was going to start appreciating my body...
Despite the fact that I promised myself I would stop hating it...
Despite the fact that I told myself I would be KIND to me...

I was deeply ashamed and utterly disgusted.

I went pretty far down the rabbit hole that day. Hell hath no fury like a person hell-bent on self-flagellation. No matter what Bible verses came to mind or what Josiah said, I rejected it. I said I deserved to be ashamed, and I deserved to be punished. And if God wouldn't do it, then I would.

That night, I sat in church, empty. I felt like I'd completely bled myself dry. And then, the pastor got to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20:

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the

Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?

You are not your own,

for you were bought with a price.

So glorify God in your body.

And I broke. I poured all my pain out on the altar. I couldn't even pray. I just sobbed and let the worship music crash into me and over me like waves.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the 99.
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve, still you give yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never, ending, reckless love of God.

There's no shadow you won't light up, mountain you won't climb up,
coming after me.
No wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down,
coming after me.

Finally, I made it to a prayer partner and asked her to pray over me, and she did, until at last, peace came to me.

But the next day, I knew I couldn't just let it go. I was grateful to have been given the peace, but I know my Father well enough to know He is never without waste. I'm supposed to learn something.

So, back down the rabbit hole I went, but this time with a rope called the Word of God.

But time and again that day, I was drawn to search out people's theological opinions on whether MY BODY is a sin. I found myself desperately wanting to confirm my deepest feelings that my body, in its current state was sinful and wrong and shameful.

I mean, sure, God created it, and it WAS good but I've destroyed it, right?

What if I can't lose weight? I have PCOS, so I'm insulin resistant, and it's really hard to lose weight. Is it a sin for me to stay the way I am?

I know people who are insulin resistant often need to watch their cards and the glycemic index. How do I know what I can eat? Is it a sin for me to ever eat carbs? Is it a sin for me to eat ice cream EVER?

But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find sound theological justification for the theory. Just as a child born from a sinful act is not shameful or dirty, but a gift from God, my body, though some sin may have led to its current form, is NOT sinful. It's not shameful. It's a gift.

Nevertheless, each new line of questioning sent me down another trail that inevitably ended with "My body isn't good enough." Even when I was simply trying to make a plan for HOW to care for and respect my body in a way that honored the Spirit within it, I got confused and continued to feel overburdened and ashamed.

Why? Two reasons.

First, it is impossible to properly care for and show love to anything you think is shameful, disgusting, and unworthy. You can try, but the truth will seep out, in one way or another.

Second, and more critically, I realized I have no clue how to actually walk in grace. I have always felt the need to punish myself mentally and emotionally for any mistake or transgressions.

When I was praying with my mentor Saturday night, I told her I knew God had already broken the chains I was wearing, but they were mine, a piece of me, and I wasn't sure I knew how to or if I wanted to be rid of them.

She said, "Okay, I'll tell you what. The next time you go to the gym, before you get on the treadmill, put 200 lbs of chains around your neck. Then get on and see how far you get."

As I searched for Scripture the next day, I came upon Hebrews 12, and here is where I'm going to get a little unorthodox. I was deeply affected by the WHOLE chapter, but I don't want to type all that out here. Instead, I'm going to share with you the message God gave to me as I walked through the chapter, and I'm praying you'll read the scripture directly for yourself.

God said:

I have a plan for you, Alissa; I have a path I need you to walk down. It's not an easy path, nor is it short, so in order to walk it you're going to need to take off the chains and straighten up.

You're walking slumped over, your knees buckling beneath the weight of your own condemnation. You can't possibly keep your eyes on me that way, and you certainly can't walk straight on My path. 

Trust me. Get rid of those chains and trust in my love. Don't reject my grace, the beautiful gift I've given you through my Son. I sacrificed for you. Don't toss it away as meaningless and run off to play in the trash heap of lies.

Do you know the gift I've given you?? Esau didn't. He sold his birthright for a single meal. Please don't toss away your rights as my daughter for the momentary illusion that you have control.

Don't place yourself under a law I've set you free from. Don't set arbitrary rules for yourself so that you're still a slave to your own rewards and punishments. 

If you want to eat, ask me what you should eat. If you want to know how much to eat, ask me to tell you when you're finished and to give you the courage to obey.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinth. 12:9)

You're weak. That's okay. Instead of making rules for yourself, trying to rely on your own strength to keep them, lean on me, and I'll show you a power and a peace you cannot even comprehend. Let me be glorified because where you can't, I CAN.


Friends, let me tell you: I still struggle. Changing deeply held beliefs is a process. For just about my entire 40 years, I have felt like I wasn't good enough, in so many ways, and I needed to be punished for it.

What I've been missing is that there's only been ONE who's ever been good enough, and He sacrificed Himself for me. Jesus completes me. He fills all my holes and shortcomings, so that I am ALWAYS enough.

And through Him, so are you.

Lessons Learned: Bombs Away

Well,  here it is: a post I have been avoiding writing, but one I really feel needs to be written. It's time to rip the band-aid off and share about a lesson learned. 

A somewhat humiliating lesson.

Josiah and I have formed a marriage ministry at our church: Compass Marriage Ministry. Last Friday, we hosted our first major event: Dance and Dine Your Valentine. We hosted a dinner and asked a local dance teacher to come in and teach the Tango.

It was SO much fun!

Everyone seemed to have a really good time, and everything went pretty smoothly...except one thing: the speech.

Josiah and I planned to go up and give a little ten minute speech to introduce ourselves, introduce the ministry, and give a little synopsis of what we've covered in our small group on Sundays and what we plan to cover in the next seven weeks.

Sounds okay, right? Well, in theory, yes.

But it was a nightmare. I bombed. It was like this:

It was like a ten car pileup. I kept trying to reign it in and do some damage control, but it was just a disaster. I just couldn't bring it around to where it felt like I was making any kind of point. 

I drifted. I wandered. I crashed. 

I say "I" instead of "we" because...well...I'm really the one who has more feelings about this. I'm the one who feels like she's supposed to be a decent public speaker.

I'm the one who feels called to speak.

Therefore, I feel like it was me that screwed up. I was given a responsibility, a chance to say something that might make a difference, and I just...lost it.

However, as with any experience, particularly the bad ones, there are lessons to be learned. Those I learned this time are as follows.

First, speaking responsibility shouldn't be shared unless both parties are very familiar with the material. Poor Josiah got material kind of tossed at him last minute, and it made for awkward segues and dropped information. I also assumed we would have two mics, but we only had one that we passed back and forth like a hot potato...ever so professional.

Next, I'll never again speak about what I think someone wants me to, instead of what is actually on my heart to say. NEVER. It was suggested that we speak about the classes coming up in order to create interest in our small group...but that's not what God laid on my heart. Maybe I'll write another blog post about what was actually on my heart, but it wasn't what I spoke about. Therefore, I didn't connect at all with what I was saying. It sucked.

Last, and most importantly, I flayed myself and my qualifications in front of a room full of sixty people. I felt like I didn't belong up there in front of them, so I made jokes about how Josiah and I met in a bar and really weren't qualified, and then tried to talk to a room full of folks who have been married far longer than we.

It was disastrous. 

Everyone was very supportive on the comment cards, but one person - a very kind, well-meaning, honest person - commented that they'd like to hear from people with more experience and had been married longer, those with real marriage testimonies.

And he (or she) was absolutely correct in what they wrote. They deserved so much better.

Mind you, we would LOVE to have other people speak: professionals with great advice and people with inspiring testimonies. Nevertheless, the comparison was heart-wrenching.

People want to hear from someone who's qualified...NOT me.

But then...then I remember that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I knew that (heck, I even said it Friday night), but the meaning of the phrase changed in my eyes.

Somehow, I thought the phrase meant I really didn't have any qualifications, but God called me to do it and, therefore, I am qualified...somehow. But honestly, I hadn't really figured out how.

What I now realize, however, is that God HAS given me qualifications, not just by virtue of having placed me in the position, but by the path he allowed me to take to reach the position.

• He helped me survive a very unhealthy, and sometimes abusive, relationship that lasted over a decade. 

• He has given me the opportunity to have five beautiful children, which means I understand what it's like to have a marriage with children at many different stages AND a blended family.

• He led me on the path to Liberty University, where I not only graduated Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology and Business, but I also took classes on Christian Leadership and Christian Life Coaching.

• He gave me a love of knowledge and learning and a passion for marriages, which means I'm devouring every book and study I can on marriage. I have a pocket full of experts I can pull out at any time, and I love to lead people to great information that will help their relationships with God and their spouses grow.

• He gave me the spiritual gifts of teaching and exhortation which, in most circumstances (although not last Friday), gives me the ability to speak well and passionately about what He puts on my heart...when I have the sense to follow it. 

• And, He gave me the wonderful intellectual gifts of analysis and introspection, uncommon for many super-extroverts like myself, so I can reach deep into my failures (like this one) and turn it into a lesson that will help me grow, and if I share it, may just help someone else grow, too.

Thus, I am qualified to stand in front of a room and make a speech on marriage because I know all-too-well the pitfalls this world and our sinful natures create for our sacred unions, both with Christ and one another. 

God may not have given me the same qualifications as the normal marriage ministry director, but nonetheless, He's given me qualifications.

Paul said in his letter to the Philippians that he could do anything through the strength of Christ (4:13). And in his second letter to the Corinthians he said that God's grace was sufficient for him, and that he would boast about his weaknesses because it was in them that God's power shines through (12:9).

So, there you go. I bombed. But it was worth it just so I could analyze it and come out on the other side knowing that God didn't place me in my position JUST to humble me and show that He has a keen sense of irony, but also because maybe, just maybe, He's given me an interesting set of gifts and experiences.

And that's what I leave you with today. If God has put you in a position, and you feel you have no right to be there, think again. The Creator of the universe put you there, and I'm betting that, while you may not have the typical set of credentials, you have everything you need to do the job that HE set before you.

God has a plan for each of us, works that we were created to perform, that he prepares for us and prepares us for.

So, let's get to it.

Dust It Off

Every now and then, God gives us a chance to really take a good, long, objective look at ourselves... and sometimes, it's just plain ugly.

But sometimes, He allows us to see some beauty we normally wouldn't have seen.

I was scrolling through facebook today when I saw these words pop up on a status for Intentionally Yours ( a marriage ministry I follow):

So, today, you have a choice to make. Are you going to let the dark threads of your life weave themselves into a portrait of hopelessness and devastation? OR, are you going to, with determination and intentionality, grab hold of your Savior and weave a beautiful portrait of a life lived in His presence - light complimented by dark, vivid colors made all the more beautiful alongside the black and gray?

I glanced over it really quickly and thought, WOW. Those are beautiful words.

Then I looked again, a little harder this time.

Wait a second, I said to myself. Those are MY words.

I wrote a post recently about what I would say to women about being Intentionally and Wonderfully Made (you can read that here) because Destiny and I were going to a women's conference by that name. After the conference, I sent a link for the post to my friend, Sherry Jennings, who is one of the event's main organizers, as well as one of the founders of Intentionally Yours.

She told me she was posting the link. I had even visited the page. But still...

For some reason, I just didn't expect a quote from ME to go rolling by on my facebook feed. And more than that, I didn't expect to see anything I wrote touch me the way those words did.

When I realized those pretty words were mine...I cried. I laughed, and I cried.

I'm not saying I'm a brilliant writer. I'm not even saying I'm remarkably good. What I am saying, however, is maybe, just maybe, God has blessed me with more talent than I've been giving Him credit for.

And maybe, just maybe, I should dust off that talent I've shoved on the shelf and make better use of it.

How about you? What talent or gift have you been hiding away?

God gave us these gifts for a reason, and I'm positive it wasn't so we can hide them away or disgrace them by comparing them to what He's given others.

So grab your gift from the shelf, dust it off, and USE it. We're all waiting to see what you'll do...the Giver of the gift most of all.

Corinthians 3 Thursday: Got Gifts?

Since the creation of Earth there has been a plan. Part of that plan included an individual who was absolutely unique. No other person in the world has ever been or will ever be exactly the same...and that person is YOU.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to bstruggle with the laste.

Psalm 139:16

You are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of this universe to do something and be something special! He made you unique, and that's what we're talking about today. How are you unique?

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

What are your talents?

What are your spiritual gifts?

If you're anything like me when I was first presented with this question, then you're probably familiar with the answers to the first couple questions, but at the last your eyes glazed over and you could hear crickets chirping.

I'm a talker...DUH. Communication has always been a strength of mine. I'm a semi-decent leader, too. My weaknesses? I hate confrontation, and will avoid it at all costs...and sometimes those costs are great. I can also take on too much, which means I'm not wise with my energy and I end up not putting forth the effort I should on the important stuff. Talents? I speak, write, act, and sing. 

But that's the easy part. Most of us have known what we were "good at" since we were small. The world is fantastic about telling us exactly where our strengths lie...well, to be more accurate, it's good at telling us where our strengths don't lie. 

Take some time to think about the answers to the first two questions now. List them out...I dare you. Seeing yourself on paper is different. It helps solidify the concept of "you" in your mind.

Okay...now for the third one. You can tackle this one a couple ways. 

First, you could just do what I did and take Elmer Towns' Spiritual Gifts Assessment. It takes about 10-15 minutes, and after seeing some other people's results (including mine) I say it's pretty accurate.

OR, for those of you who are bound and determined not to take an assessment, you can take a look at the list below and see which gifts seem the most "you" (from Appendix G of Christian Coaching by Gary Collins). Once you're done with that, go back and look at the ones you checked and rate them as a 1, 2, or 3. 1=very strong and descriptive of you. 2=somewhat strong and descriptive of you. 3=least descriptive of the items you checked. 

Administration	Shepherding	Intercession
Craftsmanship	Wisdom	Leadership
Evangelism	Apostleship	Prophecy
Giving	Creative Communication	Teaching
Hospitality	Encouragement	Healing *
Knowledge	Faith	Miracles *
Mercy	Helps	Counseling **
Interpretation *	Celibacy **	Serving **
Tongues *	Music **
*   These gifts are not included in some lists because they are more easily identified.
** These gifts are not listed in Scripture but are identified by some Christians as spiritual gifts.

The list of 1s may be your spiritual gifts. However, to confirm this, you may want to give the list to someone who knows you well to repeat the process. That may give you a stronger idea of the areas in which God has gifted you.

"The areas in which God has gifted you." That is an awesome phrase!! Our living God has chosen to give each of us gifts to go along with our completely unique personalities so that we may accomplish the plans He set out for us!! 

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:10-11

Amen, indeed! 

When I got my spiritual gifts assessment results, I was a little surprised, not by what they were, but by the fact that they were four...and they were dead even. However, that's not really too big of a shocker when you look at the rest of my life. 

I'm a dabbler. I have a tendency to be a "jack of all trades, but master of none." So, when Mr. Towns' assessment tagged me at dead even in Teaching, Exhortation, Mercy Showing, and Shepherding, there may have been initial surprise, but then it made sense. Plus, they kind of just go together in a lot of ways. 

What about you? How has God made you unique? What are your strengths, talents, and gifts?

This is really important because, combined with what we've done the last two weeks, this will help us construct our visions and missions next week! We're almost done assessing where we are, and then we get to move forward!!

Please comment or link below! And feel free to grab my button on the right, too!

If you're just now joining us, Corinthians 3 Thursdays are designed to help us find our pursue our individual callings based upon two Corinthians verses: 1 Corinthians 3:8-11 and  2 Corinthians 3:17-18. As  guide, we're using the book Christian Coaching by Gary Collins. For more information, you can visit this post or any of the earlier Corinthians 3 Thursday posts below:

Corinthians 3 Thursday Post 1: Clarifying Values
Corinthians 3 Thursday Post 2: Pursuing Passion

Seeing His Hands

I sank to my knees in the middle of the kitchen, paying no attention to the fact that the linoleum was cold and hard and the fact that my husband might think I was insane.

But he didn't.

He joined me on the cold kitchen floor, and raw emotion crashed over me like waves.

I cried, and in a quiet voice I prayed:

"Thank you dear, Lord. 

Thank you for your many blessings,

but thank you most of all for revealing yourself to me.

Thank you for knowing I needed to see your hands working in my life,

and thank you for so graciously giving me what I needed.

Just thank you."

In his book The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson says, "In order to experience a miracle, you have to take a risk." Of course, he's not talking about taking just ANY risks; he's talking about taking those risks the Holy Spirit is speaking into your ear, the ones that don't add up on paper - but hey, 5 loaves and 2 fishes can't feed thousands either, right?

Just about a year ago, Josiah and I were struggling with whether I should quit my job to stay home with the kids or continue working. We both felt me staying home was best for our family, but...

let's just say we were wondering about God's ability to do math.

Everything we felt, heard, and experienced, though, told us that I was supposed to stay at home (and the decision to homeschool was not far behind). We trusted that God would provide...and oh, has He provided...in so many ways.

Here's the thing, when you're put in a position of pure dependence on God in alignment with His will, then you are in the very humbling and awe-inspiring position of seeing His hand move...a lot.

And in the last 10 months, that's exactly what we've seen:

• when we needed a new van and He gave us one for 1/3 of it's actual value
• when that van lost it's transmission while we were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains and He provided in so many ways, through so many people
• when we bought a lot of books at an auction for $10 and wound up selling one of them for $880
• when friends of ours sponsored us to go to a Smart Stepfamilies conference and bought us lunch afterward
• when $250 showed up on our doorstep right before Christmas
• when loving family members went out and bought quite a few presents from us to the kids
• when our dear friends handed us a check and simply said "Merry Christmas"
• when grandparents sent gift cards and money for Christmas that have been such a blessing
• and yesterday, when one of Josiah's regular customers who just loves him blessed us with over $100 in groceries and a $25 gift card to match...and I found myself thanking God on the kitchen floor.

It started pretty simply, apparently. One of Josiah's elderly customers chats with him regularly, and just loves him to death; she even sent us some of her homemade rhubarb jam at one point. When they spoke yesterday, she asked how Christmas was, and he said it was great. He told her that things were tight, but how we'd been blessed by God through the people around us. He told her that I'm staying home with the kids and homeschooling. She talked about her grandkids.

And then...

She came up to Josiah and asked him to come out to the car with her. She handed him a $25 gift card, and then she took a small bag of groceries out of the full cart and gave the rest of the cart to him. I don't think he'd mind me telling you he cried and gave her a big hug.

He showed up at home with a kitchen full of groceries - staples that we use every, single day - and that's when I sunk to the floor, overwhelmed with joy.

See, here's the deal: our budget is tight, and things are late sometimes, but we're not absolutely destitute; we're decently broke, but we're not starving or anything. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I don't appreciate the groceries. That is such a huge help.

But more than that, I was overwhelmed by the sense of God's presence in my life, staring at me on the kitchen counter in such a tangible way. It was more than my heart could take; it sapped the strength from my legs and the joy spilled from my eyes.

Pure, joy and thankfulness.

Conversely, this has been a hard post for me to write. It's hard to tell the world you're poor and someone gave you groceries. That's just not how we're put together. The world says no matter what's going on in your life you're supposed to put on a happy face and pretend we have it all together.

But God says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God 

so that at the proper time He may exalt you....

1 Peter 5:6

and

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.

2 Corinthians 11:30

So I had to write it. I had to. God has blessed us so much, and used so many people to do it. How could I not shout His praises for it from the rooftops? How could I not tell everyone about all the beautiful ways He's touched our lives?

I just had to, and now that I have, I will send this into cyberspace and hope you're blessed by reading it.

What risk is God telling you to make? What is He telling you to do that's making you respond by saying, "but God, it just doesn't add up?!"

Listen to Him today. Let Him guide you. He'll never steer you wrong.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. 

"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Linking up with:
Time Warp Wife
Juana Mikels
Simply Beth