I've got spirit! But is it the right one?

The last post I wrote was the day my Nana died. *sigh* I didn't realize that until just now. Fitting, though, since, when I was bawling my eyes out on my front porch yesterday, I wanted to call and talk to her SO BADLY. But of course, that's not possible...so more tears.

Ya'll God moved in my life and heart yesterday in a way that sinks way down deep into my core.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I can't seem to connect sometimes...a lot of the times. Not with the kids, Josiah, or even with God. I'm trying and PRAYING, but to no avail. 

It came to a head yesterday...thus, the boohooing on my front porch after SCREAMING at my kids, a scene that's been all too common this week. I've noticed that the angry episodes and inability to connect are getting worse, particularly, prior to and during my monthly cycles.

I contacted a friend who asked me to meet for lunch, and on the way, I returned a call to my upline, Wendy. We talked about business for a few minutes, and then I spilled my heart out to her. I told her about it getting worse around my period and because of that, I'm thinking about getting my Mirena IUD taken out. I started to go into why THAT scared me when she stopped me...COLD.

She told me about a friend who had Mirena, who had the exact same symptoms. She said the doctor told her there was NO way it could be the IUD, so they tested her for all kinds of things. Finally, she had it removed...and it righted a vast majority of her issues.

I knew immediately that's what I needed to do.

I started to tell her that, but I also told her I was REALLY scared because I'm afraid of getting pregnant again, which makes me feel even worse because I KNOW Josiah wants more babies if possible...but I don't know that I do. I mean...I would LOVE any baby I have, but ugh...mother of SIX?! I'm just terrified.

She stopped me again.

She said, (and I paraphrase), Alissa, I know you love God and how dedicated you are, but all I hear from you right now is a spirit of fear, not trust in our Sovereign God.

And oh...how I cried.

She's right. I knew it immediately, DEEP DOWN in my soul, I knew she was right. I am living with a foreign object in me that is wreaking havoc on my body because I don't trust God enough to give me the right amount of babies. I don't trust him to give me what I need to handle any situation he gives me.

Oddly, I wrote about this just over one year ago (you can read that here). I remembered as soon as she said it, and I felt peace...the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that you get when you truly hand your worries over to our Sovereign God.

Peace.

My friend I met for lunch confirmed some of the stuff she was telling me, and then I called another friend who did the same.

THIS, ya'll...this is why you just can't be a lone reed, drifting through this ugly, dark world. We need other like-minded and like-souled individuals to guide us, to show us where we're being blind to our own sins and failures...so we can grow.

I am so grateful.

Let it also be known, that I tell people to "just trust God" All. The. Time. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my heart and mind, I knew what I was doing wrong, but sometimes it's so easy to turn a blind eye to our fears. 365 times the Bible tells us not to be afraid...and yet...I think it's what Christians, the people who should struggle the least, wrestle with most.

So, I'm going to to make an appointment to get this Mirena out. I don't know what's going to happen from there, but I know God will guide us and helps us, no matter what. It's a REALLY good feeling.

I urge you. Today...right this minute...take a look at what you're consumed with right now. What are you worried about? What can you not stop thinking about? What have you turned around a million different ways to find different outcomes?

Take whatever that is, and place it before God. Trust Him to handle it...and don't be like me. Don't snatch it back, assuming YOU can do a better job of handling it than the Creator of the universe.

Remind me of that, the next time I do it...and I'll do the same for you.

He Has Me In Stitches

Today's post is kind of a continuation of yesterday's post. Not that it's about exactly the same thing, but in that we choose our perspective, and often when it comes to our spouses, we choose poorly.

God has been speaking to my heart about this a lot lately. Very frequently, I feel like a dunce when it comes to God's lessons in my life. If He taught me the lesson yesterday, why do I have to learn it again today? 

As I soaked up His lesson for me today, I realized that I'm thinking about it wrong. God doesn't just plug up our holes all at one time; it's more like stitching together a tear...slowly. He uses the thread of His Words and Wisdom and slowly but surely, He mends our hearts.

I suppose I've stalled enough...onto God's stitching for today.

Last night I was hurt. Josiah didn't know I was hurt; I didn't tell him. Why?

Because we've been over this before.

Here's the gist of the issue - if you've read, or know anything about, Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, then you can probably guess what my primary love language is: Words of Affirmation. (As a side note, if you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it). Most people also have secondary love languages; mine is Physical Touch. Josiah's primary language is Physical Touch. So that works out right?

Not as much as you'd think.  

You see, you often give and receive love with the same love language, just like an actual spoken language. Words of Affirmation is like four levels down for Josiah, almost at the bottom of his language pool. 

I'm wordy. He's not.

He and I have talked about this before, and from what we've discovered, this is what our exchanges often consist of internally:

See what's happened here? He's communicating with me, but because our love languages are different, I'm not capable of receiving the messages he's sending.

This isn't a new problem, and we'll both continue to work on it. That's not the moral of the story. This is:

I get to choose how I react to this problem.

After this all-to-familiar exchange, Satan (or my own sinful, nasty nature - whichever you prefer) had a hold on my thoughts like you can't believe. Wanna know how it went? Here ya go:

Why won't he tell me the things I want to hear? We've talked about this! I need words. Where are my words. Well, I guess since he doesn't say I'm pretty anymore or tell me I'm beautiful, I'll just assume he doesn't think it anymore.

Doh!!! Did you catch that last part? Praise God, I did. He's teaching me, and I'm growing, and by His grace with the Help of the Holy Spirit, I was able to bring that thought under submission.

We demolish arguments and every pretension 

that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV, emphasis added)

What I was thinking was destructive to my marriage and myself, and therefore, I needed to demolish it.

If my husband is loving me, hugging me, and behaving as he always has, why on Earth would I choose to believe he thinks something different now than he used to?!

I was choosing the wrong perspective - choosing poorly. What would my motivation for that be? Getting back at him, probably, through my bad attitude and my body language. Expressing to him my dissatisfaction, even though he tried to give me everything I wanted yesterday and more.

Here's the thing - every day, every moment, we are making perspective choices. 

The world sends out a message that we should be discontented and self-centered, always wanting more, believing we deserve more.

The Bible says the exact opposite. Jesus says we should be less...want less, think of ourselves less.

We are to be content in every circumstance, praising God simply because He's blessed us with the opportunity of one day entering into His presence. 

In my quiet time this morning, I looked at the following Bible verse:

Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, 

I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship.

Do not be conformed to this age, 

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,

so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, perfect will of God.

Romans 12:1-2 (HCSB)

These are familiar verses to me. I highlighted them like that because that's how they're highlighted in my Bible. I came upon these verses separately, highlighted them separately, and tended to think of them separately...until today.

Today, I realized that the way we present our bodies as a living sacrifice to our God is by transforming our minds. We have to (1) take those thoughts captive, (2) transform and renew our minds so we can discern His will, and (3) banish the worldly ones that go against the His will and His Word.

THEN, through that process, we are presenting ourselves to God as a living sacrifice...daily.

This is for every aspect of our lives: the food we eat, the way we take care of our bodies, the way we treat our children, and the way we treat our spouses.

So, today God has stitched me a bit more. He does it every day. He stitches up the broken places in my life slowly, but that's because He can only go as fast as I'll let Him. He's perfectly patient with me.

The stitching isn't always painless. On the contrary, it's often painful, but it's a good pain - the kind that cleanses and heals.

Today, choose wisely. Take those thoughts captive - the ones that are destructive and stir up discontentment - and demolish them.

It might hurt right now, but at the end of the day, you'll be happy you did.