A Whole New World: My Top 5 Tips for New Moms

Puke, pee, poop, nursing, bottles, swaddles, sleep, and lack thereof - our lives are once again inundated with everything "newborn." I've just had my seventh (and final) baby, but I have some friends who have just, or are about to, bring home their very first bundles of joy, and it made me think: what do I know now that I wish I would have known then?

So here are the top 5 bits of advice I have for all the new mamas to be:

1. Who's body is this?!

Despite Hollywood's best attempts to convince you otherwise, your body will probably not "bounce back" right away. We all know one or two women who were able to wear their skinny jeans home from the hospital. That will probably not be you. 

As a matter of fact, if you're anything like me, you will look down at your body post-baby and think, "Oh my gosh! Ya'll missed something in there! I still look pregnant!"

Give yourself and your body time and grace. You've been through A LOT. Your hormonal, after-baby self may be tempted to cry and lament the body you once had, screaming through sobs that you'll never be attractive again. Remember these words: most of this is temporary, but the parts that aren't are totally worth it. 

Kiss the baby, put on some spanx, and keep moving. This too shall pass.

2. "Today, we're soldiers."

In the most recent "Sherlock" episode, Sherlock and Watson get through a terrifying experience together by telling one another: "Today, we're soldiers."

Welcome to the first two weeks of your babies life.

After the first two weeks, it won't be gravy, but you'll start to fall into a groove. You'll have some idea of what you're doing. You'll be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

But those first couple weeks? You're sleep-deprived. You're confused. You're learning on the fly. You're in foreign territory. During those two weeks, look at your partner, join hands, and say," Today, we are soldiers." This too shall pass.

3. Put on headphones

Welcome to the world of "Oh my gosh, how can EVERYONE have an opinion on EVERYTHING." Pregnancy may have prepared you for this some, but once your child is born, people become next-level nosy, and everyone and their mama, and their grandmama has something to say about what you should do.

Tune 'em out.

Everyone has their own way, and most of the time, they're super passionate about it: vaccines, diet, sleeping, schooling, and everything else under the sun. And guess what? They want to share with you EVERYTHING they believe, and you'd better agree OR ELSE.

But here's the deal, God gave YOU this baby. Be informed and ask people you trust (who will respect your decisions), but in the end, the way you raise this baby is up to you. Eventually, if you put up healthy boundaries, people will begin to respect them. This too shall pass.

4. They're smarter than you think

Far earlier than you could ever imagine, your precious little baby will lie, manipulate...and call you on your junk. 

What you learn about all the decisions you're making about all the little things (see #3 above), is that they are meaningless in comparison to how you're walking through this life. Your little one will be born with sin of their own, but they're also watching you very closely.

I've known moms who never set bedtimes for their kids and moms who were strict with the sleep training. I've known moms who have never breastfed and moms who breastfed into the toddler years. I've known moms who never gave their kids processed foods and moms whose kids practically lived off mac-n-cheese and Captain Crunch. 

In the end, none of that stuff mattered nearly as much as the example their parents set for them. Be joyful. Be forgiving. Be patient. Be kind. And when you jack that up? (AND YOU WILL) Be humble and ask for forgiveness. This too shall pass.

5. This too shall pass.

Pay attention. This is the most important part. Everything you're dealing with right now? It will be over in the blink of an eye. 

Someone once said, "The days are long, but the years are short." Truer words have never been spoken. Some of those days you experience will be beautiful and life-giving, but some of will rip your heart out of your chest and stomp on it. 

There's a good possibility that you'll find yourself crying on the floor far more than you'd ever imagined. In those moments, remembering how quickly time passes probably won't help you because you won't be able to see the forest for the trees. 

But generally, remember, this too shall pass - the good and the bad, the beautiful and ugly - and it will pass in the blink of an eye. So try your very best not to sweat the small stuff and not to worry about tomorrow because today is a beautiful gift. Do your best to enjoy it. BE PRESENT.

Whether you like it or not, this too shall pass.

A Lidl Humiliation

Obviously, my trip looked nothing like this, but man, it feels like it sometimes. 

I didn't really expect to learn a lesson about myself in the grocery store yesterday, but like most lessons I've learned, the timing wasn't really up to me.

My kids wanted to go to the new Lidl store around the corner. It's an interesting store, full to the brim with natural light and an eclectic assortment of goods. And I swear they pipe the smell of fresh, hot cookies baking throughout the store because you CANNOT escape it.

The thing about Lidl stores, though, is that you have to bag your own groceries. Fine! I knew that, and I was prepared.

We had two carts, with a little sibling in the front of each. Ryan was in charge of one cart over to the side and holding Phinehas's hand, while Emily and I sorted out the bagging of the groceries in the other cart.

When we had the groceries arranged appropriately, I looked up, and Ryan had wandered off about 10-15 feet. He and Phinehas were playing some sort of "ride the cart and swing it around game," and it really irritated me.

I scolded him, and asked him to think through the reasons why he should NOT be doing what he was doing. He was able to come up with "Phinehas might get hurt," and I was more than happy to add on a couple more reasons.

I was pretty happy with my parenting solution. Score one for mom for helping with that frontal lobe development!

But Emily was NOT happy, and because she's related to me AND a teenager, it was remarkably obvious. I asked her what was wrong, and after a little prodding, she said something like this:

That was really loud mom, and really embarrassing. You really embarrassed him.

Two things happened in that moment. First, I realized I had just disrespected my son in public. I'm trying to build this kid's self-esteem, not decimate it. I may have just influenced his ability to think through consequences, but I also hurt him unnecessarily.

Second, and more importantly, I realized I had been so loud, not just because I naturally AM (and I REALLY AM), but because I wanted to be seen parenting his misbehavior well.

I wanted to be seen parenting well.

That really hurts to write. It hurts to put out there. But there it is because it's honest.

I had this moment where the Holy Spirit held a mirror to my face and said, "You need to see this as it really is. You need to see what your intentions were."

I apologized to Ryan right away. I told him I was sorry for disrespecting him in front of all those people. He needed to be corrected, but his heart also needs to be protected, and I had wounded him for the sake of my own pride.

After we got settled in the car, I also had to thank Emily for correcting me. That, too, was humbling, but necessary. Sometimes, my kids will try to correct my parenting, and they get a "talk to the hand" response. They'll understand when they're parents.

But this was very different. She expressed herself respectfully, and she was RIGHT. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have been able to see the error of my ways, and she needed to know that was appreciated.

The more I thought about it, though, that behavior has a tendency to be my modus operandi: I consistently struggle between my desire to give my best to God, and my desire to be SEEN giving my best to God.

In my parenting...
In my marriage...
In my friendships...
In my worship...
In my writing...
On my facebook wall...

I've often commented that God gave me "showy" gifts. Singing, writing, speaking. Teaching and exhortation. The expression of most of my gifts involves me being seen, but with them come a constant struggle with my own pride.

I read an article this morning about Francis Chan, and why he left the church he was pastoring. He said about the period after his book Crazy Love was published:

I freaked out during that point in my life....The pride...[going to] a conference and seeing my face on a magazine...and hearing whispers...and walking into a room and actually liking it.

Man...that resonates with me. I haven't written a book yet, and my face certainly hasn't adorned any magazine covers, but I can still see me in that statement.

Jesus was pretty clear about where he stood on this behavior:

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of people,

to be seen by them.

Otherwise, you will have no reward from your Father in Heaven.

So whenever you give to the poor,

don't sound the trumpets before you,

like the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets,

to be applauded by people.

I assure you: They've got their reward.

Matthew 6:1-3 (HCSB, emphasis added)

My flesh desires greatly to be seen. What's left for me, then? Do I stop sharing those gifts? Maybe, for a time, if it gets out of hand, but generally, His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So when I worship, sometimes, I vacillate between a genuine outpouring of praise and worrying about what people are thinking about me, and then I smile and think to myself, "forgive me, thank your grace is sufficient."

When I write, I vacillate between genuinely wanting to share hope and healing and wondering how many people will read the post and how I can boost my numbers. When that happens, I smile and pray and ask for forgiveness, and praise God that His grace is sufficient to cover that, too.

I'm telling all this for two reasons. First, because sharing it keeps me in check. If I have made the world aware that I desire to be seen, it's a little easier to remember to be humble; I've admitted my weakness to the world, and the world has a way of reminding you of those weaknesses.

But also, because I know I'm not alone. There are an abundance of Bible verses about pride because, as fallible humans, it's one of our greatest faults.

Your struggle may not look exactly the same, but I would fairly confidently assert that it's roots are in pride and selfishness: a need to be right, a need to know, a need to feel desired, a need for control. They all come from the same place.

No matter what your particular brand of pride looks like, know that His grace is sufficient for you, too. He loves you anyway, in a way that is deeper and wider than your comprehension, and it began before He laid the foundations of the earth.

Whether your lessons come in the hazy morning light after a night of mistakes, the computer lit glare of an internet faux pas, or (like me) the front of a remarkably sun-lit grocery store, the pure, dazzling light of your Savior covers it all.

He holds His light to our blemishes, not so we can be ashamed of them, but so we can see them in contrast with his perfection and make appropriate corrections. The only way to be MORE like Him, is to see the ways in which we are NOTHING like Him, and to be more like Him is, daily, my goal.

I've got spirit! But is it the right one?

The last post I wrote was the day my Nana died. *sigh* I didn't realize that until just now. Fitting, though, since, when I was bawling my eyes out on my front porch yesterday, I wanted to call and talk to her SO BADLY. But of course, that's not possible...so more tears.

Ya'll God moved in my life and heart yesterday in a way that sinks way down deep into my core.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I can't seem to connect sometimes...a lot of the times. Not with the kids, Josiah, or even with God. I'm trying and PRAYING, but to no avail. 

It came to a head yesterday...thus, the boohooing on my front porch after SCREAMING at my kids, a scene that's been all too common this week. I've noticed that the angry episodes and inability to connect are getting worse, particularly, prior to and during my monthly cycles.

I contacted a friend who asked me to meet for lunch, and on the way, I returned a call to my upline, Wendy. We talked about business for a few minutes, and then I spilled my heart out to her. I told her about it getting worse around my period and because of that, I'm thinking about getting my Mirena IUD taken out. I started to go into why THAT scared me when she stopped me...COLD.

She told me about a friend who had Mirena, who had the exact same symptoms. She said the doctor told her there was NO way it could be the IUD, so they tested her for all kinds of things. Finally, she had it removed...and it righted a vast majority of her issues.

I knew immediately that's what I needed to do.

I started to tell her that, but I also told her I was REALLY scared because I'm afraid of getting pregnant again, which makes me feel even worse because I KNOW Josiah wants more babies if possible...but I don't know that I do. I mean...I would LOVE any baby I have, but ugh...mother of SIX?! I'm just terrified.

She stopped me again.

She said, (and I paraphrase), Alissa, I know you love God and how dedicated you are, but all I hear from you right now is a spirit of fear, not trust in our Sovereign God.

And oh...how I cried.

She's right. I knew it immediately, DEEP DOWN in my soul, I knew she was right. I am living with a foreign object in me that is wreaking havoc on my body because I don't trust God enough to give me the right amount of babies. I don't trust him to give me what I need to handle any situation he gives me.

Oddly, I wrote about this just over one year ago (you can read that here). I remembered as soon as she said it, and I felt peace...the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that you get when you truly hand your worries over to our Sovereign God.

Peace.

My friend I met for lunch confirmed some of the stuff she was telling me, and then I called another friend who did the same.

THIS, ya'll...this is why you just can't be a lone reed, drifting through this ugly, dark world. We need other like-minded and like-souled individuals to guide us, to show us where we're being blind to our own sins and failures...so we can grow.

I am so grateful.

Let it also be known, that I tell people to "just trust God" All. The. Time. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my heart and mind, I knew what I was doing wrong, but sometimes it's so easy to turn a blind eye to our fears. 365 times the Bible tells us not to be afraid...and yet...I think it's what Christians, the people who should struggle the least, wrestle with most.

So, I'm going to to make an appointment to get this Mirena out. I don't know what's going to happen from there, but I know God will guide us and helps us, no matter what. It's a REALLY good feeling.

I urge you. Today...right this minute...take a look at what you're consumed with right now. What are you worried about? What can you not stop thinking about? What have you turned around a million different ways to find different outcomes?

Take whatever that is, and place it before God. Trust Him to handle it...and don't be like me. Don't snatch it back, assuming YOU can do a better job of handling it than the Creator of the universe.

Remind me of that, the next time I do it...and I'll do the same for you.

Counting...and dreading...my blessings

**Disclaimer - this post is about some very personal decisions. It is not about YOUR personal decisions. I pass no judgment on anyone else, just me. If it makes you uncomfortable, search your heart and make sure that doesn't come from God...because I'm writing about decisions for OUR family. Now...let's dig in.**

My pastor is in the midst of a sermon series right now called "Break Away," and it's all about how we normally focus on our decisions and their outcomes, but we sometimes forget that what we believe determines our decisions, and once we've decided, we have far less control over the outcome than we imagine.

And sometimes our actions say far more about what we believe than our mouths. 

The main passage we're going through in the sermon series is Romans 12:1-2:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters,

in view of God's mercy,

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and pleasing to God-

this is your true and proper worship.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-

His good, pleasing and perfect will.

The other passage he concentrated on yesterday was Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

He noted that this is one of those passages that we kind of take for granted: Yeah, of course. I trust God with everything. I trust Him to know what's right for me.

Do we really though? Do we really trust God to know what's right...for us? 

We say we do, but if we REALLY trusted God to know what's right for us...in all things...then we would follow His word at all times, without question, right?

But there are some things...some things we just have such a hard time letting go of. We don't actually say we know more than God. How presumptuous would that be?! Instead, we silently take control out of His hands...sneaking it back into ours...because just this once, we know what's best. 

Sound familiar?

One of the things the pastor mentioned in his long list of areas where we tend to take control away from God was "how many children to have." 

Booooo!! That's something I've been trying not to think about because, quite frankly, every time I think about it, I get stressed out.

Not that I could really avoid thinking about it.

As a 35 year-old woman (which is, according to modern medicine, advanced maternal age) who is pregnant with her fifth child, I get quite a few questions and raised eyebrows.

Is this the last one?

Are you going to have more? 

or my favorite - You're done after this, right?

My answer to all these people...I. DON'T. KNOW.

I laugh it off, but inside, this is really causing me some serious inner turmoil.

My children are all blessings. I love them all dearly, and I am beyond thankful for each and every one of them...

BUT. There is always a but. Even as I write this, as I look at my youngest beam at me with joyful eyes from under gorgeous blond curls and feel the baby inside me kicking in the womb, I feel tired.

The thought of going through this process God only knows how many more times makes me want to cry. 

On top of that, I feel super selfish because, just after my second child, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and A LOT of women with that diagnosis have a very difficult time getting pregnant.

Apparently, I'm not one of them.

And those women, the ones who can't have babies, they aren't any LESS blessed by God!! They are simply blessed in different ways!! 

The question is, though, if I can have babies and God would provide them if I allowed it, am I refusing a blessing He would give? Am I saying, "God, I know you might bless me in THIS way, but I want to be blessed in a different way. Can you just give me a different blessing, please? The one you've chosen isn't good enough"?

The Bible never talks about women not wanting to have babies. Conversely, they were always wanted, always a blessing (except in Isaiah where he talks about the forthcoming judgment of Israel). Here are just a couple of the passages on the matter:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.

Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127:3-5

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;

your children will be like olive shoots around your table.

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

The Lord bless you from Zion!

May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!

Psalm 128:3-5

The Bible speaks of God opening and closing the wombs of certain women, which begs the question, should I simply trust Him to open and close mine?

Society says, "no." When I was about 30 weeks pregnant with Phinehas, the doctor asked, "do you know what type of birth control you'll use after the baby is born?" The question wasn't if, but what type.

Today, there's rarely a question over whether a woman will control how many children she has, and those who choose to leave it up to God are often viewed as zealots...even among believers.

WHY then, if the Bible is so clear that babies are always a blessing, is my heart so torn?

I mean, after all, a lot of the other stuff I want to do...the stuff that's very difficult to do with tons of children in tow...is really GOOD stuff. It's ministry stuff!! It's GOD stuff!

*sigh* stuff...children...or other stuff. 

Actually, now that I'm writing it down, it's really not a question of if, is it? If God wants me to do ministry stuff, He'll provide the when and how, won't He? It doesn't really matter how many children I have...because I can do all things within His will through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Josiah is pretty solid on the subject. Babies are a blessing. He sees my children from my previous marriage as a blessing, the children we've been given together as a blessing, and any children we might have in the future as a blessing.

A lot of women would say, well, it's easy for him to see them as a blessing, but he doesn't have to carry them!

Well, no, not for nine months in the womb. And yes, I'm the one who's majorly responsible for teaching and loving throughout the day, but he will carry them in many other ways throughout their lives. He's the one that's responsible for caring for them financially and for leading our household. He doesn't bat an eye at the responsibility...

if only his wife were as steadfast.

Furthermore, despite the fact that many would argue that it's my body, and therefore my decision, the Bible is very clear that's NOT the case:

The wife does not have authority over her own body

but yields it to her husband.

In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body

but yields it to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,

his body, of which he is the Savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-33

Gotta love those two verses. They make women's libbers all over the planet anywhere from super uncomfortable to downright incensed.

They are neither unclear or muddled: I'm to submit to my husband. My body is not just mine anymore, but his, and I should trust him to care for it and make decisions for it. 

So, here's the question...will I trust God in this area? Will I trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding? Will I dare to defy conforming to this world, renew my mind, and experience true and proper worship by presenting my body as a sacrifice?

That's straight out of scripture, folks, and the answer seems clear. I don't necessarily like it, but it's clear as day.

I might be wrestling with this decision for nothing. There's a possibility that I won't even be able to have any more children. Nevertheless, now that I've written my heart and the scripture down, I strongly feel - for our family - handing the possibility over to God is the only way to go.

How do you feel about this matter? Has your family made a different decision? I'd love to hear about it!

OR what about other areas of your life? I'm wrestling with this, but is there something else you're wrestling with? Are you silently ripping control from God's hands in some other area of your life? Are you saying to Him, I know best in THIS one area?

If so, I pray you'll examine your own heart and motives and seek His path and His glory, so He can make your paths straight.

Kids are people?!

I've had a revelation, and with that revelation came some conviction.

The revelation: our kids are TOTALLY people!!

I know, it sounds foreign, and as much as my father-in-law is convinced kids are plastic (family joke), I have discovered they are, indeed, flesh and blood people.

I know you're confused right now. As always, I have a story...

I have been very upset with a couple of adults lately at church because it got back to my child that they were speaking ill of her.

She used to love going to church and now, she still enjoys the Word, but heaviness hangs over her when she's there. She feels whispers around her, probably even when none exist...because you know, that's what gossip does.

How dare they!! Despite what they may think, our children are people, too, and talking about them is gossip just as much as speaking about an adult is. They're hurting my child! 

And then, the Holy Spirit swooped in with conviction for me...as He often does.

How often have I spoken ill about my children to other people? How often, when someone is sharing about their teenage daughter woes, have I (in an attempt to sympathize) said, "I don't really have those problems with Des, but man are we scared of when Emily gets there!" and many other things about all of my kids.

Ya know what? That's not nice. 

I learned before Josiah and I were even married that I should cover him in my speech (Time Warp Wife), but unfortunately, I didn't learn the lesson about my kids...until now.

Should we revisit what the Bible says about gossip?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,

but only such as is good for building up,as fits the occasion,

that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy.

Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure.

Psalm 101:5

If anyone thinks he is religious

and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart,

this person's religion is worthless.

James 1:26

...and MANY more. Ouch.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know sometimes we need parenting advice; we need prayer for this journey. However, if that's the case, then we should following the same rules for that as we would for getting advice and prayer for our marriages - seeking wise Christian counsel in confidence, always being aware that we should still speak respectfully, even in times of trouble.

As a general rule - when seeking advice concerning anything that concerns another person, follow exactly the same guidelines you would want them to follow were they seeking advice about you.

What? You wouldn't want them talking to 20 different people to ask for advice and "get prayer" about you? You wouldn't want them to talk to people who wouldn't protect your relationship and may jump on the "ill-speaking" bandwagon?

Huh - interesting.

It's the golden rule, folks. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke 6:31.

And, as it turns out, this doesn't just apply to grown-ups or people you haven't birthed. 

I guess I have some apologies to make. How about you?

Linking up with:

Time Warp Wife

Juana Mikels

Simply Beth