Breaking Free

*sigh* I really don't know what to say here, except some seasons just beat you up.

There's a scene toward the beginning of Moana where she tries to take a boat out into the water for the first time. She's doing okay until a wave capsizes her and shoves her under. With her ankle stuck fast in coral, wave after wave plows into her until, finally, she grabs a rock, smashes the coral, and breaks free.

That's this season for me. In one particular area of my life, it feels like I keep climbing back into the boat, and time and again, waves hurl me into the sea. I've been caught by the coral so often that my entire being is bloodied and bruised, and my water-logged lungs ache for air.

And yet, I climb back on the boat. That's all that can be done, really. Sometimes, there's just no going back to the shore.

I thought about this as I jogged yesterday. I prayed and thought...and prayed some more.

Yesterday was a interesting day for me. The first couple weeks of the Couch to 5K program you only run for 60-90 seconds at a time. But yesterday was supposed to be the first day of week 3, which contains a couple 3 minutes runs.

I almost skipped it and when back to the week before. No shame in that right? A jog is a jog.

But something about it felt like cheating, and let's be honest, you never know what you can do until you try. Thus, week three, day one commenced.

The first 3 minute block was LONG. I didn't know 3 minutes could last that long. I got through, though, by praying and refusing to look at how long I'd gone.

But then the second 3 minute block came. This time, it was it was hard. MUCH HARDER. The only thing that got me through that time was the scene in the movie "Facing the Giants," when the coach has the kid crawl from one end of the field to the other blindfolded with another kid on his back. He just keeps saying, "You promised to give it your best! I know it hurts! But you've got more in you!" (Or something like that)

I felt like God was saying that: "With my help, you can do this. I know it hurts, but you have My strength in you. Give it all you've got. I'm here." 

And I got through. I mean...it hurt some, and I'm not entirely sure I was breathing by the end, but it got done. Then, I was home free! All the jogs were done, and I was down to a 3 minute walk, followed by a 5 minute cool down. 

However, once I recovered my breath, I felt God telling me He wanted me to jog again. He and I then had a little chat.

"I don't want to run anymore, though, God. I've done what I said I would do!"

But he whispered, "But with Me, you can do so much more than you can even ask or imagine. Run again."

"Fine," I grumbled. "I'll run from this car to that one down there, but that's it."

The second I started to run, the app told me I had a minute left of my workout before the cool down started...and as soon as I passed the second car, the app told my my workout was complete.

I cried tears of joy then...and even now. I hear you, God: with You, all things are possible. Sometimes you calm the storm, and sometimes, you just give us the strength to get through it. I know even when I feel like I can't go on, in you, there's hope.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

I wish I could say my hard season was over. In fact, even now I feel the waves crashing over me as I grope the seabed for something to break myself free. 

However, God has reminded me that no matter how long this lasts - a month, two months, or ten years - He is always with me, and one day, I'll break free from the waves that threaten to tear me to pieces. But to do that, I just have to keep getting back in the boat.

Lessons Learned: Bombs Away

Well,  here it is: a post I have been avoiding writing, but one I really feel needs to be written. It's time to rip the band-aid off and share about a lesson learned. 

A somewhat humiliating lesson.

Josiah and I have formed a marriage ministry at our church: Compass Marriage Ministry. Last Friday, we hosted our first major event: Dance and Dine Your Valentine. We hosted a dinner and asked a local dance teacher to come in and teach the Tango.

It was SO much fun!

Everyone seemed to have a really good time, and everything went pretty smoothly...except one thing: the speech.

Josiah and I planned to go up and give a little ten minute speech to introduce ourselves, introduce the ministry, and give a little synopsis of what we've covered in our small group on Sundays and what we plan to cover in the next seven weeks.

Sounds okay, right? Well, in theory, yes.

But it was a nightmare. I bombed. It was like this:

It was like a ten car pileup. I kept trying to reign it in and do some damage control, but it was just a disaster. I just couldn't bring it around to where it felt like I was making any kind of point. 

I drifted. I wandered. I crashed. 

I say "I" instead of "we" because...well...I'm really the one who has more feelings about this. I'm the one who feels like she's supposed to be a decent public speaker.

I'm the one who feels called to speak.

Therefore, I feel like it was me that screwed up. I was given a responsibility, a chance to say something that might make a difference, and I just...lost it.

However, as with any experience, particularly the bad ones, there are lessons to be learned. Those I learned this time are as follows.

First, speaking responsibility shouldn't be shared unless both parties are very familiar with the material. Poor Josiah got material kind of tossed at him last minute, and it made for awkward segues and dropped information. I also assumed we would have two mics, but we only had one that we passed back and forth like a hot potato...ever so professional.

Next, I'll never again speak about what I think someone wants me to, instead of what is actually on my heart to say. NEVER. It was suggested that we speak about the classes coming up in order to create interest in our small group...but that's not what God laid on my heart. Maybe I'll write another blog post about what was actually on my heart, but it wasn't what I spoke about. Therefore, I didn't connect at all with what I was saying. It sucked.

Last, and most importantly, I flayed myself and my qualifications in front of a room full of sixty people. I felt like I didn't belong up there in front of them, so I made jokes about how Josiah and I met in a bar and really weren't qualified, and then tried to talk to a room full of folks who have been married far longer than we.

It was disastrous. 

Everyone was very supportive on the comment cards, but one person - a very kind, well-meaning, honest person - commented that they'd like to hear from people with more experience and had been married longer, those with real marriage testimonies.

And he (or she) was absolutely correct in what they wrote. They deserved so much better.

Mind you, we would LOVE to have other people speak: professionals with great advice and people with inspiring testimonies. Nevertheless, the comparison was heart-wrenching.

People want to hear from someone who's qualified...NOT me.

But then...then I remember that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I knew that (heck, I even said it Friday night), but the meaning of the phrase changed in my eyes.

Somehow, I thought the phrase meant I really didn't have any qualifications, but God called me to do it and, therefore, I am qualified...somehow. But honestly, I hadn't really figured out how.

What I now realize, however, is that God HAS given me qualifications, not just by virtue of having placed me in the position, but by the path he allowed me to take to reach the position.

• He helped me survive a very unhealthy, and sometimes abusive, relationship that lasted over a decade. 

• He has given me the opportunity to have five beautiful children, which means I understand what it's like to have a marriage with children at many different stages AND a blended family.

• He led me on the path to Liberty University, where I not only graduated Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology and Business, but I also took classes on Christian Leadership and Christian Life Coaching.

• He gave me a love of knowledge and learning and a passion for marriages, which means I'm devouring every book and study I can on marriage. I have a pocket full of experts I can pull out at any time, and I love to lead people to great information that will help their relationships with God and their spouses grow.

• He gave me the spiritual gifts of teaching and exhortation which, in most circumstances (although not last Friday), gives me the ability to speak well and passionately about what He puts on my heart...when I have the sense to follow it. 

• And, He gave me the wonderful intellectual gifts of analysis and introspection, uncommon for many super-extroverts like myself, so I can reach deep into my failures (like this one) and turn it into a lesson that will help me grow, and if I share it, may just help someone else grow, too.

Thus, I am qualified to stand in front of a room and make a speech on marriage because I know all-too-well the pitfalls this world and our sinful natures create for our sacred unions, both with Christ and one another. 

God may not have given me the same qualifications as the normal marriage ministry director, but nonetheless, He's given me qualifications.

Paul said in his letter to the Philippians that he could do anything through the strength of Christ (4:13). And in his second letter to the Corinthians he said that God's grace was sufficient for him, and that he would boast about his weaknesses because it was in them that God's power shines through (12:9).

So, there you go. I bombed. But it was worth it just so I could analyze it and come out on the other side knowing that God didn't place me in my position JUST to humble me and show that He has a keen sense of irony, but also because maybe, just maybe, He's given me an interesting set of gifts and experiences.

And that's what I leave you with today. If God has put you in a position, and you feel you have no right to be there, think again. The Creator of the universe put you there, and I'm betting that, while you may not have the typical set of credentials, you have everything you need to do the job that HE set before you.

God has a plan for each of us, works that we were created to perform, that he prepares for us and prepares us for.

So, let's get to it.

Pride Goeth Before the THUD

Look over there! It's a bird! It's a plane!

Nope. It's just Alissa...tripping over her own pride, flying, through the air, and landing on her rump.

That's me.

Almost a couple weeks ago now, Josiah and I hosted The Art of Marriage at our church. We started planning early. It was going to be super awesome! I was praying for hundreds of people to be touched through this event, and I just knew we were going to change tons of marriages for Christ!!

*sigh* 

Anyone remember studying Greek tragedies in high school. Each hero had a fatal flaw, and most often, it was hubris - excessive pride toward or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.

Now, as Christians, we know there's only one God, and thankfully, He's not in the business of being our nemesis. However, when I let my pride get in the way, He is in the business of letting it get bruised a little so I can get over myself and into Him.

It really was a great event, but that had so much more to do with the fact that FamilyLife has designed an awesome DVD-based program than it did with my performance.

My planning. My performance. My plans.

I started the planning process early, but instead of reaching out to others to ask them to help in areas in which they are gifted and I am not, I decided I could do it on my own.

I got this!!

Um...no. A lot of it ended up being very last minute and hurried. 

The event didn't get promoted like I really wanted it to, and we ended up only having fourteen couples in attendance (for whom we were very grateful). 

I let some things fall through the cracks that I shouldn't have, and of the four people who were running the event (me, Josiah, and our friends the Antonellis), I was the only person who knew what needed to be done. 

I hadn't properly shared information or given them what they needed in order for me to delegate tasks to them. In other words...information dissemination FAIL.

I had to try to remember everything. 

Me...mere weeks after my graduation and the homeschool convention that took up so much brain space...with severe pregnancy brain.

In the end, it turned out okay. The most important things got done, but just like every event of this kind, there are lessons to be learned:

1. Ambiance is great, but people see books better when there's light
2. We bought far too many chips, but almost ran out of water. Everyone wants water...and coffee. Make sure there's lots of coffee
3. I am not the Lone Ranger

That last one is a big deal. 

Instead of seeking people who had gifts in certain areas to assist me, I decided I was going to barrel through the process on my own...stumbling, fumbling, and and landing with an inglorious THUD.

God can do amazing things through us, but we have to depend on Him for His wisdom. And His word says there are many gifts He's given to the members of the body of Christ, and all of them are meaningful and important and we need them ALL in order to accomplish His purposes.

From [Jesus] the whole body,

joined and held together by every supporting ligament,

grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Ephesians 4:16

Lesson learned.

By God's grace, I am WE are going to be given another chance to put on this event in November. After a lot of prayer, Josiah and I decided that we needed to make the event available to more couples at our church and in our community who were on vacation or unavailable during the last event.

This time I won't act alone. This time I will pray, not just for the couples who will come, but for God to lead me to the help I need in order to accomplish His purposes for the event. 

I'll also be praying for God to give me some bravery and boldness because I'm just really not good at asking for help...at all. 

Praise God!

He is a God of second chances. His grace is abundant, His mercies new each day...and it's a darn good thing because every day I need them!!

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, 

but with the humble is wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

Out of Control

Today's post is courtesy of none other than my wonderful husband, Josiah. Eventually, when I'm able to get the other blog up and running, we'll both be contributors. Until then, he's posting fabulous thoughts like this on my blog!! 

Angst.

Alissa had asked me a simple question earlier that evoked a rather difficult response.

I told her I felt like I’m bracing for an accident that’s about to come.

You know what that is - that scary feeling where you know you’re not in control. When you’re not excited about what comes next because you feel pretty certain that whatever may happen, it’s not going to be easy, someone may get hurt somehow, and that there’s going to be potential carnage.

I don’t know why I have that feeling, but I know I've been fighting it for days now, and now...it’s my turn to write a late-night "lesson learned."

Guess what?!

I’m not in control. And that is a good thing. God alone knows what's best for me, and I’m tired of fighting for every square inch of what I think is better than where I am now.

Outside of that, there’s the fact that I’m human, and I have a HUGE tendency to not even really know what I want, not appreciate it when it’s actually mine, and then of course, I normally find out what I wanted initially wasn't what was actually good for me to begin with.

I can’t help but think sometimes that yes, God is in control, and He knows what’s best, BUT God doesn't help those who don’t help themselves.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

First of all, did I just have the AUDACITY to place limits upon GOD??

Second, way, way, waaaaaaay beyond that… how in the world did I in any way, or could I in any way, help myself to salvation?

Obviously, I know I didn't. All I can do is accept that He brought salvation to the doorsteps of my heart, left it there, and rang the doorbell. All I had to do was accept that it is out of my control, and cede control over my own life.

So now, I find myself in a giant tug-o-war against God. When I finally take time to think about it, I see how truly foolish this is…

Yep. Creator of the universe. Conqueror of death. Uh-huh. Him.

When I take the time to think about it, (which isn't nearly often enough) I know that my angst, confusion, and struggle for control should all be let go.

I know Psalms 46:10:

"Be still and know that I am God."

I should be still and know that He is God. 

That’s God baring down and knocking on my forehead saying, "hey, you…I got this. I’ve got you. You don’t even know what I've got for you."

And then I can remember every time God has come through. 

The time when we needed a van upgrade pretty seriously, and things worked out to where we got it at an unbelievable bargain.

That time when we were out in the mountains of Tennessee and the transmission went out, and we didn't really have to worry at all about anything because of ALL the help we received from many different people along the way.

That time when bills were running late and there was money stuffed in a Christmas card anonymously that helped so much.

Yup. That God.

So tonight, on the way home driving in my car, I was praying, “God, I want the best of what you have in store for me and my family…but…what is Your will??”

DING!

Another Bible verse I memorized popped into my mind! Or three.

I’m going to separate them because I don’t think I or anyone else gets the importance of it until we look at each one individually.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 -  Rejoice always,

Convicted. I've been focusing on my problems and not the solution.

17 pray continually, 

Convicted. I have been praying, but not properly. I've been focusing on what I needed to have or to be. I haven’t been focusing on what God needs me to be. I've been praying selfishly.

18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Convicted. By praying over what I felt were my needs, I wasn't being grateful. I have been on edge, wary of disappointment or shortcoming, but I am loved and cared for beyond anything I could ever have imagined by the most powerful being that has existed and ever will...and that's enough for me.

After all of this, a very specific hymn came to mind, and I'll close with this…

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
A wonderful Savior to me;
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
Where rivers of pleasure I see.

      Refrain:
He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock,
That shadows a dry, thirsty land;
He hideth my life in the depths of His love,
And covers me there with His hand,
And covers me there with His hand.

A wonderful Savior is Jesus my Lord,
He taketh my burden away,
He holdeth me up and I shall not be moved,
He giveth me strength as my day.

With numberless blessings each moment He crowns,
And filled with His fullness divine,
I sing in my rapture, oh, glory to God!
For such a Redeemer as mine.

When clothed with His brightness transported I rise
To meet Him in clouds of the sky,
His perfect salvation, His wonderful love,
I’ll shout with the millions on high.

The Prodigal Friend

I don't really have time to sugar-coat things this morning, so we're just going to get down to some raw reality.

I sat in church on Sunday and listened to a woman give a testimony that was very touching. I appreciated every minute of it, but I sat right there in my church pew and let envy crawl all over me (okay, I was in a chair, actually, because we were in the Family Life Center...same thing).

What caused this reaction during this lovely, emotionally charged testimony?

She was thankful for her best girlfriend.

That's all.

She was so desperately thankful for her best girlfriend, and then, later, I saw pictures of them on facebook together...and again, I felt so envious.

God doesn't like envy. I don't know where to even begin to illustrate this Biblically because it's just all over the place. But we'll start here:

But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart,

don't brag and lie in defiance of the truth.

Such wisdom does not come down from above,

but is earthly, sensual, and demonic.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist,

there is disorder and every kind of evil.

(James 3:14-16)

OUCH, right?

So, because I'd prefer to not be filled with "disorder and every kind of evil," I suppose we should get down to removing this envy.

There are going to be people who read this who will be so confused because I am their friend. There will also be people who will be confused because I don't look like I need any more friends.

First, one can never have too many friends. I love friends.

Second, I do have wonderful girlfriends. I have beautiful women in my life that love me and I love them.

So why the envy?

Because I'm missing out on the deeper relationships! I want a bestie! (or 5...whatever). I want to feel deep in my heart like I have girlfriends who are always there, who want to spend time with me, and who get me. Why don't I feel that way?!

Because I'm not taking care of those relationships. 

I'm not taking care of my friends. There's a nasty, hard reality.

I'm a busy girl, right? When this degree is done, then I'll have time to foster my friendships. After Christmas, I'll have more time to spend with them. When I'm done with this project or that project, then there will be more time.

Consider this verse:

And let us consider 

how we may spur one another on

toward love and good deeds,

not giving up meeting together, 

as some are in the habit of doing,

but encouraging one another-

and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

(Hebrews 10:24-25)

We always see it and say, "See? That's why we go to church!" But honestly, is that it? I don't think so. When was the last time you really had time to spur someone on toward love and good deeds on Sunday morning? Not just in Sunday School or passing in the hallway while you herd your children, but on a deep personal level?

Exactly.

If I want to have a bestie or 5, then I am going to have to MAKE time, just like every other relationship in my life. 

I will not be close to Jesus if I don't make time for him. 

I will not be close to my husband if I don't make time for him.

I will not be close to my children if I don't make time for them.

I will not be close to my friends if I don't make time for them.

In the middle of the night last night I woke up dreaming of the parable of "The Prodigal Son" and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. I prayed that God would help me find the reason, if there was one. I didn't get it until JUST NOW, in the middle of writing this post. I actually took the time to look up the word "prodigal." It means this: "spending money or resources freely or recklessly; wastefully extravagant." 

OUCH.

I have been so wastefully extravagant with my friends and have not guarded my friendships as I should.

What's even more convicting about the whole thing is that, when I woke up thinking about the parable in the middle of the night, I woke up thinking about the son's humility. He came back to his father groveling...not that the father required that, but it was still necessary for his own heart. He had to be broken by his behavior.

So here I sit...broken by my wastefulness and truly repentant.

To my friends, if you're reading this, please forgive me (although I'm sure I'll be getting in touch with you personally). Please forgive me, and please help me. Please drag me out of my house, away from my books and the 8 million other things I have going on. Please help me foster a deeper relationship with you.

I miss you, and I love you.

Most sincerely,

Your prodigal friend

Linking up with:

Time Warp Wife

Juana Mikels

Simply Beth

Am I Kind?

Last night in bed I was thinking about the Fruits of the Spirit, and I asked my husband, "Do you think I'm kind?"

I so totally set him up, right?

See, I LOVE words, but he's not a really wordy person, per se; so I have a tendency to try to help him have words.

The answer I wanted to hear would have gone something like this: "Of course, darling! You're the kindest person I've ever met besides Jesus himself!"

That's not what I heard.

Fortunately, my husband is a genius, and he figured out how to answer that question both gracefully and truthfully.

His reply was as follows:

"Generally, yes of course, I think you're very kind, but I also think that's the wrong question to ask. If we think to ourselves, 'I'm a kind person' then it implies that there's no room for improvement. Instead, however, I think the proper question to ask is 'Am I as good at giving grace as I ought to be?' That completely changes things doesn't it?"

Ho-ly cow. Do you see why I'm so in love with this man?!

That was such a brilliant answer and it touched my heart more than a quick, "yes, of course" could have.

Then, just this morning, I went to check a discussion board for a class group project, and once again, someone is late meeting a deadline...really late, and I found prideful, arrogance in the place where loving, grace should be.

In the way you judge, 

you will be judged; 

and by your standard of measure, 

it will be measured to you.

Matthew 7:2

So beyond that today, I have nothing but a prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you. Thank you for giving me a husband to be a spiritual leader for our home. Thank you for his wisdom and his love for You and for his family.

Forgive me, please, for my arrogance and unforgiving nature.

Please help me, Lord, to be a mirror of your grace in a sinful, unforgiving world, so that Your light will shine all the brighter. I know God that even if I succeed in this, it will not be by my own will, but through Your Spirit within me.

You are might and holy and loving, and I am so grateful every day that I am able to have a relationship with You through the sacrifice of Your only Son, Jesus Christ. It's in His name I pray, today. Amen.

Linking up today with:
Juana Mikels
Time Warp Wife
Simply Beth

Catching A Thief

There's a thief in my house. I just know it. I keep noticing something is stolen, and as much as I try to get it back, I just can't.

It's time. My time is being stolen, and I know just who is taking it.

Yes...facebook.

I don't mean to be there. I get on the laptop to do schoolwork (necessary), write a blog post (necessary), or research something (necessary), and then, somehow, before I even know it's happening, my cursor is in the navigation bar and my fingers are flitting across the keyboard. I don't even have to type in the whole word...my computer just knows. 

"fac" + enter = facebook

Once I'm there, I just go to look at just one thing. Or just tell one person something.

Before I know it, I'm scrolling mindlessly through status updates, pictures, e-cards, blog posts, and share if you love your _______.

I wish I could say I just do it on the laptop, but the thief is on my phone, too! 

I'm in the car with my husband and kids...I'll check facebook.

I'm watching a movie...I'll check facebook.

I'm in bed...I'll check facebook.

It's nuts.

It's almost as though my brain is so used to being engaged in multiple things at a time that I just can't simply concentrate on one thing. Instead of just being in the car with my husband and/or children and taking in what's going on around me, my mind has to busy itself.

It's sad.

And let's be real here, people: no one is holding a gun to my head and telling me to read status updates. The thief isn't really facebook, it's my own poor choices.

Right now I'm at a point where I want to be very purposeful and mindful of everything I do: talking to God, speaking to my children, eating, spending time with loved ones...let's just add facebook to that list. It's time I acknowledged the problem. That's the first step, right?

I won't say I won't visit facebook anymore. Like anything else, it's fine in moderation, but I've let it get out of control.

It's time to reign it in.

What thieves do you allow in your home that steal your time? Your joy? Your peace?

I'll leave you with a few verses today that I'm meditating on in relation to this. Do you have more to add to the list?

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

(Proverbs 25:28)

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. 

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, 

but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape,

 that you may be able to endure it.

(1 Corinthians 10:13)

For God gave us a spirit not of fear

but of power and love and self-control.

(2 Timothy 1:7)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, 

but only one receives the prize? 

So run that you may obtain it. 

Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. 

They do it to receive a perishable wreath, 

but we an imperishable. 

So I do not run aimlessly; 

I do not box as one beating the air. 

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, 

lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

(1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

A Spiral Approach

I am so blessed to have friends and family that are so very supportive about my blog and my writing...and just me in general really. My mother-in-law is super awesome and quite often sends me little comments or insights about my blogs after I write them.

The other day, after she read this post where I said I felt like a spiritual dunce because God keeps having to show me the same lesson over and over, she sent me the most amazing little insight. I just had to share it.

She said God teaches us lessons...like Saxon teaches math!!!

Mind-blowing, right?!

For those of you who aren't homeschool curriculum obsessed, let me explain.

Saxon is a math curriculum a lot of homeschoolers use. It uses a spiral approach. What this means, is that a lesson is introduced sort of briefly, and then you just practice it every day. Once you get that down, then the lesson is sort of taught again, but from a different angle or a slightly different, but related, concept.

Do you hear the genius that came from that brilliant woman?!

God teaches us like Saxon Math!

He knows us. He knows how we work. He created us. He created ME. 

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; 
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; 
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD....

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

(Psalm 139:1-4,13-14, NIV, emphasis added)

This bit of scripture offers so much wisdom and so much comfort.

My God knows me and he LOVES me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by an Almighty God.

In His infinite wisdom, God shows us a lesson we need to learn, lets us practice, and then shows us another component when we're ready!

Praise be to GOD!

As a side note, but related, Intentionally Yours is hosting an event on January 4th at The Bridge in Princeton, North Carolina called Intentionally and Wonderfully Made, and it speaks to exactly this subject. Princeton is about 40 minutes outside of Raleigh. I'm definitely planning on going because I know this is a message God has been trying to get through to me...really written on my heart...for quite some time. 

Tickets for the event are only $5 in advance or $10 at the door! Please visit them at http://www.intentionallyyours.org or see the facebook event here.


Linking up today with:
Time Warp Wife
Juana Mikels

Playing with Razors

My little Ryan hurt himself yesterday. Although he's been told many times not to, he decided to touch his sister's razor in the bathroom.

Sometimes, it's just hard to be a little boy with sisters.

He came to me with a bloody thumb and tears in his sad, little eyes and wailed, "Mommy it hurts!"

I bandaged his little digit and gave him hugs. In this situation he'd already gotten punishment enough, but he did get a little speech.

We talked about why mommies and daddies have rules: to keep their children from getting hurt. We also talked about God's rules for us: they are for our benefit, and keep us from getting hurt. Emily chimed in at that point and said, "And to keep us from hurting other people."

*sigh* I don't know if she knows the weight of her statement

My sister-in-law, Jamie, wrote a beautiful blog post recently about her walk with God, and it so mirrored mine. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I just didn't get it. I had no idea how to go about living it. I thought there were "good Christians," and then there was me, and I tried, but I just couldn't be that good. I was too dirty. 

I made decisions for my life and never once consulted God because I prayed, but I had no clue how to hear His voice in my life; so why pray about decisions? 

I was flying on a wing and a prayer. My plane was in bad shape, and all my instruments were down. I didn't know where I was going, but I hoped I was still sort of in one piece when I got there.

Just to let you know, that's not a good way to go through life.

But then, God brought people into my life that showed me how to walk with Him...and it changed my life forever. He bandaged my wounded heart and continues to every day.

Last night I had dessert with my gorgeous young friend and her wonderful boyfriend. We talked about the blog and church, and she said she's trying to find God for herself. She's had some bad experiences with religion and church and hypocrisy and seeing unfaithful Christians, and now she's trying to work out her faith.

Oh my heart.

I told her I was proud of her and she needs to find Jesus for herself. Hear this: you cannot own someone else's religion. It has to be yours, in your heart. I have faith that she'll find Him, and I'll help her any way I can.

But it made me think back to when I was younger...all three years ago or so. I thought back to all the times I was claiming Jesus and clamoring around in the dark. I think again about people I may have misled or turned away from the gospel. I've asked for forgiveness, and I know it's been granted, but often accepting it is the hardest part.

Please understand this, and I say it not with condemnation but from experience - if you are claiming Jesus, but walking in darkness (not reflecting His light), then you are actively working for the other side. I see that now. There is no middle ground. I wasn't helping, so I was hurting...that's just how it is.

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, 

that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 

If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, 

we lie and do not practice the truth. 

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, 

we have fellowship with one another, 

and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

(1 John 1:5-7, ESV)

So, if you're there, walking in darkness, and you want to know how to walk in The Light, contact me. Email me (alissaandjosiah@yahoo.com); facebook me (https://www.facebook.com/daizygirl1979); comment here; heck, send carrier pigeons, whatever it takes. If you don't want to talk to me, call or email my pastor, Jim Weston, at Menchville Baptist Church (757-877-4532; pastorjim@menchvillebaptist.com).

Just don't go another day without claiming what is already yours! All you have to do is reach out and take it! There may be a cost (there is with every decision), and it probably won't be painless; I won't tell you a lie. But I will tell you this: it is always worth it. HE is always worth it. The relationship with Him is always worth it.

Life has many "razors", and unfortunately, most of them look like they'd be fun to touch. God's Word is there for us, not to hinder us from having fun, but to keep us and others, safe. We all have scars from the razors we've played with, but God is waiting, hearing our desperate cries saying, "Jesus it hurts!" 

But He's still waiting: to dry our tears, bandage our wounded hearts, and teach us the lessons we so desperately need. Let Him.

Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

Linking up with:
Simply Beth
Juana Mikels
Time Warp Wife

He Has Me In Stitches

Today's post is kind of a continuation of yesterday's post. Not that it's about exactly the same thing, but in that we choose our perspective, and often when it comes to our spouses, we choose poorly.

God has been speaking to my heart about this a lot lately. Very frequently, I feel like a dunce when it comes to God's lessons in my life. If He taught me the lesson yesterday, why do I have to learn it again today? 

As I soaked up His lesson for me today, I realized that I'm thinking about it wrong. God doesn't just plug up our holes all at one time; it's more like stitching together a tear...slowly. He uses the thread of His Words and Wisdom and slowly but surely, He mends our hearts.

I suppose I've stalled enough...onto God's stitching for today.

Last night I was hurt. Josiah didn't know I was hurt; I didn't tell him. Why?

Because we've been over this before.

Here's the gist of the issue - if you've read, or know anything about, Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, then you can probably guess what my primary love language is: Words of Affirmation. (As a side note, if you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it). Most people also have secondary love languages; mine is Physical Touch. Josiah's primary language is Physical Touch. So that works out right?

Not as much as you'd think.  

You see, you often give and receive love with the same love language, just like an actual spoken language. Words of Affirmation is like four levels down for Josiah, almost at the bottom of his language pool. 

I'm wordy. He's not.

He and I have talked about this before, and from what we've discovered, this is what our exchanges often consist of internally:

See what's happened here? He's communicating with me, but because our love languages are different, I'm not capable of receiving the messages he's sending.

This isn't a new problem, and we'll both continue to work on it. That's not the moral of the story. This is:

I get to choose how I react to this problem.

After this all-to-familiar exchange, Satan (or my own sinful, nasty nature - whichever you prefer) had a hold on my thoughts like you can't believe. Wanna know how it went? Here ya go:

Why won't he tell me the things I want to hear? We've talked about this! I need words. Where are my words. Well, I guess since he doesn't say I'm pretty anymore or tell me I'm beautiful, I'll just assume he doesn't think it anymore.

Doh!!! Did you catch that last part? Praise God, I did. He's teaching me, and I'm growing, and by His grace with the Help of the Holy Spirit, I was able to bring that thought under submission.

We demolish arguments and every pretension 

that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,

and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV, emphasis added)

What I was thinking was destructive to my marriage and myself, and therefore, I needed to demolish it.

If my husband is loving me, hugging me, and behaving as he always has, why on Earth would I choose to believe he thinks something different now than he used to?!

I was choosing the wrong perspective - choosing poorly. What would my motivation for that be? Getting back at him, probably, through my bad attitude and my body language. Expressing to him my dissatisfaction, even though he tried to give me everything I wanted yesterday and more.

Here's the thing - every day, every moment, we are making perspective choices. 

The world sends out a message that we should be discontented and self-centered, always wanting more, believing we deserve more.

The Bible says the exact opposite. Jesus says we should be less...want less, think of ourselves less.

We are to be content in every circumstance, praising God simply because He's blessed us with the opportunity of one day entering into His presence. 

In my quiet time this morning, I looked at the following Bible verse:

Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, 

I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and pleasing to God; this is your spiritual worship.

Do not be conformed to this age, 

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,

so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, perfect will of God.

Romans 12:1-2 (HCSB)

These are familiar verses to me. I highlighted them like that because that's how they're highlighted in my Bible. I came upon these verses separately, highlighted them separately, and tended to think of them separately...until today.

Today, I realized that the way we present our bodies as a living sacrifice to our God is by transforming our minds. We have to (1) take those thoughts captive, (2) transform and renew our minds so we can discern His will, and (3) banish the worldly ones that go against the His will and His Word.

THEN, through that process, we are presenting ourselves to God as a living sacrifice...daily.

This is for every aspect of our lives: the food we eat, the way we take care of our bodies, the way we treat our children, and the way we treat our spouses.

So, today God has stitched me a bit more. He does it every day. He stitches up the broken places in my life slowly, but that's because He can only go as fast as I'll let Him. He's perfectly patient with me.

The stitching isn't always painless. On the contrary, it's often painful, but it's a good pain - the kind that cleanses and heals.

Today, choose wisely. Take those thoughts captive - the ones that are destructive and stir up discontentment - and demolish them.

It might hurt right now, but at the end of the day, you'll be happy you did.

I Am So Much Better Than You...In My Head

Have you ever, with all humility and reverence, prayed to our all-knowing God that he would expose the sin you know you have hidden underneath, but you're just not seeing? And then, in His deep and profound wisdom, He slowly reveals to you the grime in your heart that was there all along.  And you, now seeing the depth of your depravity say...

"Awww crap! Seriously? But I like that! It's mine, and I don't want to give it up! Boooo!"

What can I say? I'm a spiritual paragon of virtue. *ahem*

In all actuality, I didn't really say that to God, but I think I felt it, and that's bad enough.

I did ask God recently to show me the sin that I was blind to, and He definitely came through. He showed me two blogs by Darlene Schacht of Time Warp Wife that were aimed right at me. The subject matter of both of these?

Humility. (The blogs can be found here and here)

Before my spiritual construction project was fully underway, my mouth was pretty out of control, in a lot of areas. I worked in an environment where curse words flew, and I was no better than anyone else. I might not have said something about you to your face, but if I was frustrated with you, someone was probably going to know about it.

This stuff is pretty hard to admit. I mean, this isn't exactly a pretty picture I'm painting here. It's true, though.

Since beginning this blog and trying to seek God's face and His will in my life, I've spent a lot of time praying about those things. I've made GIGANTIC strides in keeping my mouth shut and not saying unkind things...not that they don't sneak out every now and then, but Rome wasn't built in a day, right?

Anyway, I read those blogs and took them to heart, but the message didn't really "hit home" until Josiah and I went to Busch Gardens last weekend with his brother and my sister-in-law. Some guy was behind me on his phone...kind of loud and obnoxious, in my not-so-humble opinion...and I almost turned to Josiah to say something kind of funny/sarcastic about it, but then I stopped myself....

"That wouldn't be very nice to say," I thought...but I kept right on thinking about it. I kept right on thinking about how that guy was either brain damaged or drunk, until I realized what I was doing.

I might have brought my tongue under submission, but my brain was running rampant through Sin Land and I was loving every second of it.

No wonder the Apostle Paul said we are to "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).

But why? I mean, they're just thoughts right? I mean, for crying out loud, can't a girl even have her thoughts?! (Obviously, this is where the mental kicking, screaming, and stomping came into play.)

No, a girl cannot have her thoughts because: 

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart,

and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil things stored up in his heart.

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

(Luke 6:45, NIV)

If I'm serious about getting my mouth completely under control, then I have to bring my mind under submission.

Each and every person on this planet was made from God's image. He formed each one in his mother's womb. They are His beloved just as much as I. Whether they love Him or not, whether they acknowledge His mere existence, He loves them beyond words...enough to send a piece of Him, His Son, to die a brutal death so they might live...

enough to send His Son to die a brutal death so that I might live.

My sin, my hatred and sneering and evil thoughts, put Him on that cross just as much as anyone else's. I need to remember that.

So, the next time you think mean thoughts about someone...the next time you put someone down or judge them, even if just in your head, remember they were made in the image of God, too, and He loves them, the Bible says we should, too.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, 

but do not have love, 

I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy 

and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, 

and if I have a faith that can move mountains, 

but do not have love, I am nothing. 

If I give all I possess to the poor 

and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, 

but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, 

it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, 

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. 

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; 

where there are tongues, they will be stilled; 

where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 

but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, 

I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. 

When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror;

then we shall see face to face. 

Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, 

even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. 

But the greatest of these is love."

(1 Corinthians 13:1-13, NIV, emphasis added)

Linking up today with Time Warp Wife