Marriage Renovations: Series Wrap-Up

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I have spoken about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, we're wrapping up the series. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

Renovation Wrap-Up

Our most recent marriage renovation project is over. It was relatively quick, but not remarkably easy. Nevertheless, I don't think either one of us would trade lessons we've learned for less pain.

We can both FEEL the difference in our home now. It was already pretty peaceful, but it's even MORE peaceful now. 

Generally, Josiah gives me very few reasons to be irritated; he's a fantastic husband. However, when I do find myself getting irritated with him and responding in a way that's not very respectful, I've been able to renew, recover, and respond pretty quickly.

And sometimes NOT.

Here's a practical example of what a relatively quick turnaround looks like:

A week ago, we were getting ready for church. We had to leave early to pick Ryan up from a sleepover, and I felt like Josiah was taking a really long time to get out of bed. I was stressed out trying to get the babies ready. The house was in utter chaos. Baby stuff was everywhere. Emily had misplaced my phone...and I was UPSET.

I was irritable.

Previously, I would have let all those thoughts roll over in my head. I would have stewed over all the reasons I had to be irritated. Immediately, my brain would try to draw in other reasons to support the argument. And I would seethe.

This time, though, I turned directly to God. I didn't know how to stop it, but I knew someone who could.

So, in the car, on the way to church, I busted out my prayer journal. My pen had just barely touched the paper when a Francesca Battistelli song we love came on the radio, and Josiah turned it up...

"Holy Spirit you are welcome here;

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.

Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for,

To be overcome by Your presence, Lord."

God sent me a song, and it touched my heart. Immediately, I thought of Philippians 4:6-8, and how I was supposed to pray with gratitude and concentrate on what was praiseworthy.

In my prayer, I turned every complaint I had just made into a praise:

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who will take us to church.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who enjoys playing with our babies on a Sunday morning.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who thinks of me enough to turn up songs he knows I love.

Thank you, God, for a home to get messy.

Thank you, God, for my beautiful children.

Thank you, God, that I even have a cell phone to get misplaced.

Thank you, God, for the chaos that is my home because you've allowed me to stay home and homeschool my children, to teach them and be with them every day, and that makes our house look exceedingly lived in.

Immediately, all the stressful thoughts drained away, and I had peace. That's what God promises, and He always delivers. It's not always immediate, but He is always faithful.

But then...then sometimes it's not that easy. The day after "Blueprints HER Way" posted, I was struggling. Josiah had said a couple things that REALLY hurt my feelings...but I'd written this blog, and I was desperately trying to "pray it off."

At the same time, I was contacted by a friend, who basically said, "I'm trying to follow your blog series, but I'm struggling because I'm not sure advocating NOT communicating with your husband is healthy." That's not exact, but it was the basis. 

She's right.

I had gone to God in prayer and read His Word, but the issue still sat heavily on me. I think I hesitated to share my feelings with Him because the incidences were so minute. Why did they matter? As it turns out, they mattered because what I was feeling needed to be discussed because his actions stemmed from a hurt HE felt earlier in the week, that I knew nothing about.

The Holy Spirit was prompting me to speak to Josiah about this issue, and as soon as I did, we were able to come to a peaceful resolution...but I prayed a lot first, and I asked him to pray with me before we discussed it.

I am not advocating you not share genuine concerns with your husband...things that really bother you or really hurt you. If you've taken the issue to God, and prayerfully and carefully sought Him, which also includes reading His Word to see what He has to say, and you still feel a weight, THEN by all means, please talk to your husband.

After she sent me the message yesterday, I was talking to Josiah, and he absolutely agreed. If something is really bothering me, he wants me to talk to him about it. However, if I've gone to God in prayer, and sought Him in His Word, and asked Him to speak through me and to prepare Josiah's heart, then you're looking at an entirely different conversation than the one I would have had otherwise.

It's like Josiah said: "It feels entirely different when conviction comes from God than when it comes from you." Ouch. 

God has, indeed, been working in Josiah's heart, though.

He has been a diligent study on becoming a better leader, as well. I can feel him becoming stronger. He's trying to be more assertive with the kids and trying to communicate his wants, needs, and feelings to me more clearly.

I am just so grateful.

Are you a wife struggling to let your husband lead? Are you a husband struggling to figure out what Christian leadership looks like? You're not alone! 

If you've seen Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines, then you know the more "far gone" a house is, the more amazing the transformation. Watching a $300,000 house turn into a $450,000 house is cool...but watching a $75,000 turn into a $200,000 house is miraculous.

Marriage renovations work the same way. Your marriage is not too far gone for God to do something miraculous and beautiful! It may not be easy, and it may not be quick, but it will always be worth it!

Happy renovating!

Sharing is Caring

Hormones, marriage, finances, injuries, difficult personalities....

Sometimes, God gives us problems so we can develop our spiritual muscles to get through them. SO many times the Bible tells us to take joy in our trials!

Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you face various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work,

so that you might be mature and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4

Often, after the trial is over, I've often found myself praising God for it because He taught me something new and brought me closer to Him. That's what this blog is all about, right? I learn a lesson in life and share it with the world wide web!

This is no exception...God has taught me something new: I've got to share even when I'm still ugly. 

Hang in there; I'll explain. 

What I normally do, both on this blog and in my personal life, is share my experiences when I've already processed them, when I can make them pretty and tie a bow on them and present them to the world. In other words, I present my struggles in the past tense.

Recently, however, I've really been astounded at how much MORE God can use me when I reach out even when my world is upside down...when I'm coated in tears and snot and feel like I have "hormonal nightmare" tattooed on my forehead. 

It's one thing to be entirely real and transparent in the past tense, when you already have it all figured out, but it takes true vulnerability to reach out to others in the middle of the mess. 

First, God speaks to us sometimes through other Christians. Therefore, if I seek their comfort, wisdom, and guidance IN the situation, then I am opening myself for God to speak to me through them. This is a huge blessing for me, obviously, but also a blessing for them! Believe me, being the conduit through whom God chooses to speak is such a huge deal. It doesn't happen every day, and is a gigantic blessing!

Second, it builds community. The Bible tells us we're supposed to commune with one another, confess our sins, and lift one another up. If I'm keeping all my junk to myself until I get it straight, then I'm not helping to build the community of believers. 

No one wants to open up to someone who already has everything figured out. If I've called you, crying and insecure, then when you're struggling, you'll feel like you can call me, too, right? By revealing myself to people close to me while I'm IN the mess, I can let them know that it's truly okay for them to do the same thing.

Finally, I've watched a domino effect happen in the last few weeks. As one friend gave me godly advice, God was able to build on it with another friend. Then, when I went to write the blog post about fear, it touched another friend exactly when she needed it most. As that continued to develop, I recorded a Periscope video, which changed the whole course of another friend's day. She, then, shared it with a bunch of her friends.

Do you see where I'm going here? Each time we share, both in the muck and after we've gone through it, we create a domino effect of blessings that reaches FAR beyond our sight. Who knows...maybe even into eternity.

So, today, if you're going through something, I'm going to ask it to share it with someone you trust. (That part is super important.) 

Pray about who God would have you share your burdens with. Maybe THEY can help you lay them down at the feet of the only one strong enough to carry them all, Jesus Christ.

If you don't think you have anyone, you're wrong. You have me. My email address is alissaandjosiah@yahoo.com. I would love to be there for you, just like others have been there for me!

Now...go share!

When your husband hits the "mute" button...

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins

in which you previously walked according to the ways of this world, according to the ruler who exercises authority over the lower heavens,

the spirit now working in the disobedient.

Ephesians 2:1-2

Ya'll, seriously, how long do you think it's going to take us to figure out that if we're doing something the way the rest of the world is doing it, then we're probably doing it wrong?

Last week, I wrote a blog post about women thinking their husbands need to earn their respect...and of course, about why that's an inaccurate perspective.

In Sunday School this week (where we're currently discussing communication in our marriages), the guys were saying that, at times, their wives' persistent attempts to guide their husbands to be the spouses and leaders they (the wives) think they should be has quite the opposite effect. 

Instead, these men stated, it made them feel like they could do nothing right, and they, effectively, stopped listening. They hit the mute button.

In the realm of marital communication, it's easy for us, as women (the grand communicators that we are), to say that putting up a barriers and turning us "off" are not good communication skills.

But here's the deal ladies...who made you the Holy Spirit?

D'OH! That's a sucker punch, right there, I know. It's a little strongly worded, but I hope you'll bear with me.

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading through 1 Peter, and I came to a very familiar verse:

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the [Christian] message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure, reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things [like] elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes. 1 Peter 3:1-4 (emphasis added)

It never ceases to amaze me how God can keep peeling back His word and revealing different layers to us.

Today's message to me through 1 Peter: SHUT UP.

Peter didn't say, "Wives, if your husbands are not living according to the word of God, then you should make sure you tell him because it's your job to let that man know!!"

Nope. He said if our husbands are not living according to the word of God, then we should bury ourselves in His word for them. We should be paying attention to our own walk, making sure we are living pure and reverent lives so our husbands may be won over WITHOUT WORDS. 

Oh my goodness, that is so contradictory to what the world tells us we should do and be it's almost ridiculous. 

It's tough, right ladies? It's so hard to just trust the Holy Spirit to do it's job in our husbands' hearts while we bury ourselves in HIM. We relinquish the ever-present illusion of control, and turn our hearts and our husbands' hearts over to God.

What makes us think that we, with our mouths, are capable of doing a better work in our husbands' lives than the Holy Spirit? Just a little presumptuous right?

However, you may make the same point Josiah did in Sunday School: what if the Holy Spirit is using a man's wife bring something to the his attention?

That's totally likely, right? (And ladies, can I just tell you how mushy it makes me feel inside that it was my husband who made that point? Whooo, I love that man!)

It can be. There are times when the Holy Spirit speaks to us and may use us to bring something to our husbands' attention.

BUT...there's a huge BUT here...

Peter kind of set out a precondition here: are you living a pure and reverent life and seeking to be beautiful to your husband with a gentle and quiet spirit?

See, it's very possible for God to use you to speak to your husband, but before you remove that speck from his eye, you better make sure you've removed your own logs, Sister (Luke 6:42).

Are you seeking God's face daily? Have you sought the wisdom of God down on your knees (James 1:5)? Are you hiding the word of God in your heart so that you might not sin (Psalm 119:11)? 

Let's face it, if we're NOT doing these things - if our husbands don't see us living pure and reverent lives - why should they listen?

However, if we ARE doing those things, and THEN the Holy Spirit leads us to talk to our husbands, I can almost guarantee you the way we do it will be different...our manner and hearts will be different. If we have paved the way with prayer and submission to God, then the Holy Spirit may help us make inroads to our husbands' hearts...

not by our strength and might, but by HIS.

It's a hard truth, sisters. It's counter-cultural and counter-intuitive. It makes us feel ugly and raw and guilty, and after all, how much easier is it to give advice and fix others than it is to examine and correct ourselves?

Way easier. This stuff is hard.

However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, if it was easy, we wouldn't need Jesus for it, but we do - desperately - and that, my friends, is the power of the gospel in action.

Praise be to God!!