Calling Her Out

A while back, Alissa (who was pregnant at the time), dropped off our eldest at college for orientation and to meet some friends. We live on a peninsula in Virginia where the only way to get back and forth to her college is to drive through one of a pair of tunnels, both of which are notorious for bad traffic in rush hour.

She sent me a message earlier in the day to alert me that Destiny had to be picked up, not on Saturday as originally thought, but that day, which was a Friday afternoon.

In the summer. Pregnant. Kind of a tourist destination. Traffic. Really bad traffic.

Alissa told me a little while later that she had agreed to let her hang out a bit longer with some of the people she met there, so she could develop some friendships... because in turn, that would mean her college experience in the fall would be much easier. If she already some relationships in place, she wouldn't have to worry about making friends, starting classes, and landing a job all at the same time.

I responded with a really, really short sentence.

“That was gracious of you.”

That triggered a mechanism in her to defend her decision and go into a fairly lengthy line of reasoning.

I kind of had to interrupt her.

“Baby, I wasn't telling you that you were making a bad decision, or that you should do otherwise. I was trying to let you know that I see you acting graciously.”

The response?

"Oh."

She was caught of guard.

There are two very important issues that come to mind here:

1. I don't affirm my wife often enough if she feels she needs to get defensive over me saying I noticed something good. 

2. I must do a lot of complaining if I see her doing something good or gracious towards others, and I get that kind of reaction.

Both of those are problems, and both of those are MY problems.

I read somewhere fairly recently, though I can't remember where, that it's important to catch your kids “in the act” of doing something good. This made me realize that it's also important to do for your spouse, or probably for that matter, anyone who is close to you.

I am not exactly an encourager. I can be, but it's not really who I am. I will notice if you cut your hair. Hopefully, I will say it looks nice, or good on you, and I will smile supportively.

Alissa, on the other hand, is a master encourager. She will notice you cut your hair, tell you it looks gorgeous on you, ask you why you decided to cut it, then identify with your decision and do so with an exclamation of how glad she is that you came to your decision, then reestablish how much she likes it, and that she would've done the same thing if she were you. You can walk in a room with a new dress, new haircut, new shoes, coat, glasses, and my wife will become your instant cheerleader.

I get it. I'm happy you got your hair cut. If it looks good, I'll tell you. I can smile and nod and give a gold star as good as anyone, but my wife has a gift.

If anyone speaks, it should be as one who speaks God’s words;

if anyone serves, it should be from the strength God provides,

so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything.

To Him belong the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen. 

1 Peter 4:11

Let me bring this back around to picking Destiny up in traffic...

What became obvious to me in that moment is, spiritually, I must either not notice gifts or growth, or I still kind of react the same way I would about a haircut: with a knowing smile, good job, looks good, and move on.

That's not who I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to call my wife out on her spiritual advances, decisions, and strengths. I'm supposed to be there to sharpen her, to encourage her, to be her spiritual ally and cheerleader, but most often, apparently, I either ignore or condemn.

Where did I go wrong?

Part of that answer is being too busy. Part of that is paying enough attention to say I'm paying attention, but not really investing.

The tongue has the power of life and death,

and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

If I'm not building my wife up, I am destroying her.

I think in a more peaceful, placid way she has tried to tell me that before.

I don't want Alissa to feel as though I'm her accuser. I'm not. I don't want that job, nor do I want the job description. I want her to know I care about her and love her, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

But I can't do that if I'm only pointing out “growth areas,” and not patting her on the back when she gets it right, and I pray God will open my heart and help me grow in my encouragement of her and of others.

The point of all this: what we say matters...and so does what we DON'T say.

Give someone encouragement today.

Speak life, give grace, love well.

But encourage each other daily,

while it is still called today,

so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception.

Hebrews 3:13

Cheap Sex and How It's Killing Us

Yesterday, sweet Emily was asking me questions about her father and I and how our marriage started and when we got married. I try to be as forthcoming as possible about these things because I may be able to protect her from some of my mistakes by sharing them.

At one point she said, but you were living together when you got pregnant with Destiny, so you were basically married, right?

Wow.

I quickly corrected her. No, sweet girl. It's not the same. It's not the same at all.

I understand where she's coming from. I really do. She's seen A LOT of couples in her life that have chosen to live together without marriage. She doesn't want to think they're wrong. She doesn't want to think I was wrong.

But I can't have her holding that viewpoint. She needs to know Mama made a mistake.

Train up a child in the way he should go;

even when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

First, (after more questions from her), I had to clarify that it isn't actually living with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage that's a sin, but sexual relations outside of a marriage. Whether you live with someone or not, sex outside of marriage is wrong.

I highlighted Jesus's conversation with the woman at the well. He didn't say, Where's the guy you're living with? Instead he asked where her husband was, and when she replied that she had none, he said:

You have correctly said, "I don't have a husband," Jesus said.

For you have had five husbands

and the man you now have is not your husband.

What you have said is true.

John 4:17-18

It's just not the same.

So, we talked. We talked about marriage as a covenant and what covenant MEANS. Biblestudytools.com says this about covenants:

The covenants referred to above were between two equal parties; this means that the covenant relationship was bilateral. The bond was sealed by both parties vowing, often by oath, that each, having equal privileges and responsibilities, would carry out their assigned roles.

These contracts are important. In Genesis, even after God called Abram (Abraham), he still needed reassurance of God's promise. How did God do that? He made a covenant with him; a binding, unbreakable oath (Genesis 15).

Emily and I didn't have much more time to talk after that because I was dropping her off, but my heart was still heavy. It was my second conversation that day about sex outside of marriage, and I couldn't shake them.

What is missing in our conversations about sex and marriage??

The value of sex.

In our society and culture, sex is looked at in a lot of different ways: recreational, procreational (made that word up), or simply part of the "mate-choosing" process...like, test driving a car or trying on a pair of shoes.

We've devalued sexual intimacy to the status of shoe shopping...or even worse, shoe rental. We've perverted it's original intent.

It's kind of what we do best.

God created the world, and He placed Adam in the garden of Eden. He told them they could eat of any tree they wanted except for one: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The fruit wasn't bad. God created it, and it was good, but it wasn't intended for Adam and Eve...but that didn't stop them.

And typically, that's just what we do. We jump in over our heads, trying to make ourselves into our own gods, and we jack everything up in the process.

The same thing goes for sex. God created sexual intimacy between partners, and it was and IS good. We've just cheapened it.

The first real reference to sex (I think) in the Bible is IN Genesis 4:1:

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain,

saying, "I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord."

Obviously, by "knew his wife" the Bible means they had sex because it led to conception. Oh, but it's so much more than the act.

The Hebrew word there for "knew" is the word yada, and it's not just used to indicate sexual intimacy but so many times throughout the Old Testament it's used to indicate God knowing us and us knowing him. It's indicative of a desire for a deep and meaningful relationship.

That's what God meant for sex to be: a deeply intimate exchange, one in which we are fully known.

And that, my friends, is why God would have us experience sexual intimacy only in the context of covenant marriage; it's such an intimate exchange, so dear and valuable, that to experience it outside of that is tantamount to going mudding in a Ferrari or rolling around in the mud in your wedding dress before the wedding.

Only WORSE...because what we dirty and destroy isn't a car or a dress, but our souls, our spirits. It's not outside of God's infinite mercy and grace, but like all other sins, the consequences leave scars far after our slates have been wiped clean.

So, my answer to dear Emily was, no. No, having sex and living with her father before we were married was NOT the same as being married.

My prayer for her, and all my children, is that they would know all the beauty and joys of sexual intimacy only as God intended. What that will mean, is that I've taught them not just to value the exchange, but to value themselves as they are valued...by me, bot more importantly, by God.

Because that's what God truly cares about: us. The act is sacred, but He created it because He loves the participants.

Marriage Renovations: Series Wrap-Up

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I have spoken about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, we're wrapping up the series. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

Renovation Wrap-Up

Our most recent marriage renovation project is over. It was relatively quick, but not remarkably easy. Nevertheless, I don't think either one of us would trade lessons we've learned for less pain.

We can both FEEL the difference in our home now. It was already pretty peaceful, but it's even MORE peaceful now. 

Generally, Josiah gives me very few reasons to be irritated; he's a fantastic husband. However, when I do find myself getting irritated with him and responding in a way that's not very respectful, I've been able to renew, recover, and respond pretty quickly.

And sometimes NOT.

Here's a practical example of what a relatively quick turnaround looks like:

A week ago, we were getting ready for church. We had to leave early to pick Ryan up from a sleepover, and I felt like Josiah was taking a really long time to get out of bed. I was stressed out trying to get the babies ready. The house was in utter chaos. Baby stuff was everywhere. Emily had misplaced my phone...and I was UPSET.

I was irritable.

Previously, I would have let all those thoughts roll over in my head. I would have stewed over all the reasons I had to be irritated. Immediately, my brain would try to draw in other reasons to support the argument. And I would seethe.

This time, though, I turned directly to God. I didn't know how to stop it, but I knew someone who could.

So, in the car, on the way to church, I busted out my prayer journal. My pen had just barely touched the paper when a Francesca Battistelli song we love came on the radio, and Josiah turned it up...

"Holy Spirit you are welcome here;

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.

Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for,

To be overcome by Your presence, Lord."

God sent me a song, and it touched my heart. Immediately, I thought of Philippians 4:6-8, and how I was supposed to pray with gratitude and concentrate on what was praiseworthy.

In my prayer, I turned every complaint I had just made into a praise:

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who will take us to church.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who enjoys playing with our babies on a Sunday morning.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who thinks of me enough to turn up songs he knows I love.

Thank you, God, for a home to get messy.

Thank you, God, for my beautiful children.

Thank you, God, that I even have a cell phone to get misplaced.

Thank you, God, for the chaos that is my home because you've allowed me to stay home and homeschool my children, to teach them and be with them every day, and that makes our house look exceedingly lived in.

Immediately, all the stressful thoughts drained away, and I had peace. That's what God promises, and He always delivers. It's not always immediate, but He is always faithful.

But then...then sometimes it's not that easy. The day after "Blueprints HER Way" posted, I was struggling. Josiah had said a couple things that REALLY hurt my feelings...but I'd written this blog, and I was desperately trying to "pray it off."

At the same time, I was contacted by a friend, who basically said, "I'm trying to follow your blog series, but I'm struggling because I'm not sure advocating NOT communicating with your husband is healthy." That's not exact, but it was the basis. 

She's right.

I had gone to God in prayer and read His Word, but the issue still sat heavily on me. I think I hesitated to share my feelings with Him because the incidences were so minute. Why did they matter? As it turns out, they mattered because what I was feeling needed to be discussed because his actions stemmed from a hurt HE felt earlier in the week, that I knew nothing about.

The Holy Spirit was prompting me to speak to Josiah about this issue, and as soon as I did, we were able to come to a peaceful resolution...but I prayed a lot first, and I asked him to pray with me before we discussed it.

I am not advocating you not share genuine concerns with your husband...things that really bother you or really hurt you. If you've taken the issue to God, and prayerfully and carefully sought Him, which also includes reading His Word to see what He has to say, and you still feel a weight, THEN by all means, please talk to your husband.

After she sent me the message yesterday, I was talking to Josiah, and he absolutely agreed. If something is really bothering me, he wants me to talk to him about it. However, if I've gone to God in prayer, and sought Him in His Word, and asked Him to speak through me and to prepare Josiah's heart, then you're looking at an entirely different conversation than the one I would have had otherwise.

It's like Josiah said: "It feels entirely different when conviction comes from God than when it comes from you." Ouch. 

God has, indeed, been working in Josiah's heart, though.

He has been a diligent study on becoming a better leader, as well. I can feel him becoming stronger. He's trying to be more assertive with the kids and trying to communicate his wants, needs, and feelings to me more clearly.

I am just so grateful.

Are you a wife struggling to let your husband lead? Are you a husband struggling to figure out what Christian leadership looks like? You're not alone! 

If you've seen Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines, then you know the more "far gone" a house is, the more amazing the transformation. Watching a $300,000 house turn into a $450,000 house is cool...but watching a $75,000 turn into a $200,000 house is miraculous.

Marriage renovations work the same way. Your marriage is not too far gone for God to do something miraculous and beautiful! It may not be easy, and it may not be quick, but it will always be worth it!

Happy renovating!

Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HIS Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how the Rebuilding phase of the remodel went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 3: Rebuilding - Josiah Style

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls,

but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14

Unfortunately, I've come to a point of realization when I look at the churches across America, and men in general, and I see few mentors.

I feel like we are watching the decline of Christian leaders and Christianity because of a lack of guidance.

Like with our dance lessons, the only way to be an effective leader is to have followed close enough to someone who is an effective leader and who takes time to invest in you.

Our men's ministry is not non-existent, but as far as I'm aware, there aren't really men reaching out to other men and training them for anything in any capacity. Our church does a fantastic job at children's ministry, but I feel that's where a lot of masculine input and time ceases.

In speaking to one man, I asked him why the men's ministry at our church was stagnant, and would he be involved in it if it existed.

The answer? “It would have to be worth my time. I don't get very much of it, and I don't want it to be wasted.” Not word for word, but that was certainly the message.

A friend of ours, and I chimed in at almost the same time, “Okay, so what WOULD be worth your time?”

I feel like this is a common thread, but more than likely it is NOT the right question. In order to get the right answer, you have to ask the right question sometimes, right?

Perhaps the right question should lie along the lines of “Why on earth don't we care about teaching men on how to be men, fathers, on things of God, on how to not just follow rules but to develop a true love and passion for our God and for our spouses in such a way our childrens' lives will be changed?”

There is a shorter phrase for this statement...

“Why are we content at failing the call of The Great Commission to make disciples?”

I have had people teach me along the way on how to paint, how to write, how to read, how to drive...

I've had input on how to be a Christian, what a man of God looks like, and on how to parent, but I don't feel like I've had a lot of input on what it is to be a Christian leader.

I need it, though.

Not only that, I know other guys need it. And I know a lot aren't getting it.

I can't help but feel like that is why this generation of young people are leaving the church in alarming numbers.

There is a severe lack of men who are willing to lean on other men when they need it, because they don't feel there are other men they CAN lean on.

I firmly believe that a lot of the men who don't feel they have someone to lean on when they need it is because no one has invested the time or the energy in them in order to guide them BEFORE they needed it.

An ounce of prevention IS better than a pound of cure, right?

Our wives are begging us to lead. They need it whether or not they act like they want it, or would even admit that they want it.

I left the marriage retreat weekend KNOWING that if we truly care about the marriages in our church, and we truly care about marriages period, then the focus can't be to try to save marriages so much as it has to be to train and disciple men.

I don't know exactly what this will look like yet, but I've had some walls that have had to come down in this remodel.

I've had to face walls of pride and of excuses. I expect to face other people's walls of pride and excuses as well.

But I will plan, I will move with purpose, and I will persevere.

It's much like going to the gym.

You can say you don't have the time, but you do. You have to make it.

You don't have the time? Put your cell phone down for a minute. Turn the video games off. Turn the TV off.

Your high scores won't make a difference to anyone, or in anyone. Certainly not in 5 years.

You knowing the results of a game, catching up on the latest TV series isn't going to help much either in the long run.

Sure, it may be a conversation entry point, and I'm not saying there shouldn't be any down time.

But instead of finding ways to wind down, we should be focused on ways to train up.

I liked this quote a lot: “Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

I have to break through.

James 1:5-6 says: 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given him. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting,

for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea

that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

This is my prayer. It may have been James' prayer, and he certainly encouraged others to pray it.

So now it's mine.

I have to be a better leader.

I know no better way to do that than to be a better follower of God.

For my wife. For my kids. For me. For my Church.

For my God.

God isn't done with me, and I'm sure there are more walls to come down.

Alissa's isn't the ONLY life under construction, after all.

I am God's temple for renovation.

Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, I'm talking about how I went through the Rebuilding phase of our marital remodel. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 3: Rebuilding - Alissa Style

 Okay, we've covered the first two steps in the marriage renovation process – Demo and Blueprints – now let's talk about Rebuilding.

If you're renovating your kitchen, you rip out the old kitchen, clean out the rubble, consult the plan, and then you get to start putting all NEW stuff back in – cabinets, appliances, tile – all the things that will make your new space usable each and every day.

That's what this part of our marriage renovations project looks like, too. It's time to take the lessons learned through the Demolition and Blueprints phases and use them to build thought processes and actions we can use in our everyday lives.

It's time to learn how to walk it out.

In MY marriage renovation project, I had just learned that it's in no way Biblical to vent petty frustrations and complaints to my husband, no matter how “respectfully” I may try to do so.

Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved,

put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,

accepting one another and forgiving one another

if anyone has a complaint against another.

Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.

Above all, put on love—the perfect bond of unity.

Colossians 3:12-14

I put some emphasis on some of that, but really, the WHOLE THING is golden. Seriously, read it again. Now again.

Nothing. Not one thing about venting complaints and frustration. Just patience, humility, compassion, and forgiveness.

(I want to insert a note in here: communication in marriage is necessary. I am not advocating a lack of communication in your marriage. PLEASE stay tuned for the Series Wrap-Up for more on this subject!) 

I also remembered this verse at the beginning of the rebuilding phase:

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others.

Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 (NLT)

I don't normally use the NLT, but in this case, it so beautifully simplifies the meaning of this verse, and let's face it: the concept is so difficult to apply that the the more we can simplify, the better.

These verses are set in direct opposition from one another. So, I had to reword it like this: Instead of being selfish and conceited, I'm supposed to be humble and consider Josiah as being better than me, above me.

I used words from a few different translations there, and women's lib folks everywhere are tearing out their hair and gnashing their teeth because I just set Josiah above me, but guess what? We're supposed to set everyone above us, MOST OF ALL our husbands because they are “our heads.”

Only after you've dealt with this truth and accepted it can you really move on.

Once I realized it, I was totally able to apply it and life became really simple freaked out and basically screamed at God, “how the heck am I supposed to live like that?!”

Like my friend, Lindsay, says, “I'm just keepin' it real.”

Once again, though, God is faithful. He gradually helped me accept it, and then showed me how.

First, He had me write a list of all the things I love about Josiah in my prayer journal. He had brought me to a place where I was REALLY seeing all the fantastic things about Josiah, but I knew that wouldn't last.

Wow...I didn't mean that like it sounded.

I knew, in the heat frustration and anger, those amazing things I love about my husband would be hidden by my minuscule complaints. I needed a list to refer to in those moments, to remind me of all the great things, and put the small things back where they belong.

God also placed the PERFECT metaphor in our paths at exactly the right time: we took dance lessons.

Josiah had purchased a Groupon for dance lessons months before, and just before they expired, he made the first appointment...which fell smack dab in the middle of our rebuilding phase.

It was perfect timing.

Dancing is a beautiful example of how marriage works: he leads and she follows.

Can I tell you a secret? Shhhhhh...I may be a more capable dancer than Josiah.

I don't think that's anything he'd argue with. I love to dance, and it comes pretty naturally. Despite this, however, it's still not my job to lead. That's just the way it goes.

I may get the steps before him, but it's my job to patiently wait while he gets more instruction and to give him praise when he does well and encourage him even when he doesn't.

Sometimes, Josiah would move in a way I didn't expect, the “wrong way.” If I followed him, then we continued to dance, and we eventually got where we needed to be. However, if I didn't follow properly and tried to go my own way, the whole thing would derail and we'd have to start all over.

The analogy is staring us right in the face isn't it? The dance only works when we do our respective jobs, and my job isn't to lead Josiah, but to follow HIS lead and give him encouragement.

It is what it is, ladies: learn it, live it, love it...because God's truth is eternal; it's not changing anytime soon.

We also read through the Felhaun books, For Men Only and For Women Only, together...taking notes on each and passing them back and forth, chapter by chapter. You won't believe how much this aided the rebuilding process.

We were able to express our feelings and get to know more about one another in a safe way, during a time of peace, not conflict. I am inexplicably grateful for the knowledge I gained about Josiah: how he feels about certain things, how he thinks, and how God made him. I think he'd say the same thing, too (but read tomorrow's blog post to find out!).

Now, our renovations for this particular project are complete. Things still get messy at times, but with the project done, it's much easier to clean up. I'm sure God has more renovations planned for our marital future. The “house” is never complete until we leave this world and meet the architect himself.

However, knowing how that process works and that it DOES work is half the battle.

How does your marriage look? How does your life look? Are there places God has been trying to renovate? Have you been resisting the upgrade, afraid of the process? Have you gotten stuck at the demolition stage, sure that it can never look beautiful again?

Go all the way through with the process. Trust God to work in your life in amazing ways, and He will...every time.

Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses what the Blueprints phase of the remodel looked like for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 2: Blueprints - Josiah Style

When we got home from the leadership retreat in Cape Charles, I decided I needed to read the books I had promised Alissa I would probably a year prior, but hadn't finished.

And I did need to. For me.

And I didn't just read them, I studied them.

I didn't grasp what God was doing inside of Alissa, or inside of me, or where He was leading us.

For Men Only (by Jeff Feldhaun) helped me understand some of the things that were going on with my wife that I didn't really grasp like I thought I did.

And the other book (For Women Only by Saunti Feldhaun)? Yep. I needed that one too. And it helped me explain to Alissa some of the emotions I was having when I wasn't really able to explain my feelings very clearly.

My wife is vocal and assertive, but the books helped me put two and two together. In some areas, I may not understand exactly what she's feeling all of the time, but I CAN understand why she feels that way.

A couple weeks later, Alissa and I FINALLY ended up taking dance lessons because it was really cheap and made for a series of very fun dates. And they were really about to expire.

(Note to the guys: DO THIS. There's no reason to be embarrassed. It will only be you two and the instructor. It is an investment in your wife, and you WILL see her radiate with the fact that you thought of her. There are places to purchase these at a very discount rate, so even if you can't afford much, this should be doable. If you need assistance with this, please contact me, and I can point you in the right direction.)

So we went to the first lesson, and I felt like I caught on fairly quickly, but not as quickly as I personally would like. I think as part of my masculinity, I want to walk in and get it all immediately. To get it right the first time.

In everything I do, I want desperately to walk in and find out that this one thing is the one area that I am amazing at without really trying.

You know, just do nothing but wake up in the morning and realize I was a hidden Mozart, Beethoven, or Fred Astaire (in this case)...something.

But that's not realistic, and I couldn't do that because I was learning... and learning how to do something so much more important than how to dance.

I was learning how to lead.

After the second lesson, on the way home, Alissa told me how much more she appreciated it when I led her firmly.

How can I lead my wife firmly in dancing?

Learning. Following someone who knows. Knowing someone who has been there and can give me direction.

1 Timothy 3:1 says “If anyone aspires to be an overseer, he desires a noble work.”

Woohoo! I want to be noble. Better yet I want to be known as noble to my wife, but...

How can I lead my wife and kids at home, every day?

Learning. Following someone who knows.

God.

Luckily, 1 Timothy 3 goes on to give a checklist. I can do checklists.

“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach,

a husband of one wife,

self-controlled, sensible, respectable,

and hospitable and an able teacher.

Not addicted to wine, not a bully but gentle,

not quarrelsome, and not greedy.”

I was looking at this... above reproach? Well. I'm a sinner, so not exactly, but for the most part... sure. A husband of one wife. Check. Self-controlled. Check. Sensible? I think so. Hospitable? Sure. Able teacher?

A mentor?

Is that me? In ways I don't understand at the moment, maybe. Not really.

Not intentionally. Not with purpose.

Do I have a spiritual mentor?

Not really. Maybe some in ways I don't understand at the moment. So maybe, but not really.

Not intentionally. Not with purpose.

In another book I've been studying, that I hadn't read since I was teenager, it talks about how the decisions you make, make you.

I heavily underlined 3 words.

Plan. Purpose. Persevere.

Without a plan on what to do, it's all too easy to not do anything.

Without purposing your plan, and making your moves intentionally, you won't accomplish anything... your plans are just a pipe dream.

Without perseverance through the difficult times – if you give up – then those who would look up to you won't have a reason to.

These are words of a lot of strength, and there are a ton of applications.

In your marriage, in your teaching, in your following, in your studying...

Plan. Purpose. Persevere.

After all, what are blueprints? PLANS.

Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, I'm talking about what the Blueprints Phase of the project was like for me. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 2: Blueprints - Alissa Style

 My dad is a construction project manager. Since I was a little girl, I have loved helping him at his office. I would go in and help him “organize” his desk (which probably looked far more like me putting things where he couldn't find them). I played secretary and toyed with the typewriter (yes, I'm old).

When I went to his office, I was always marveled by the drafting table. On it, laid stacks and stacks of drawings that looked like a combination of hieroglyphics and an etch-a-sketch gone wild: blueprints.

The men who sat at those tables poured over layers and layers of the technical drawings. None of them knew the plans as well as the architect, but they could read them. I, on the other hand, could not make heads or tails of them.

Marriage/life renovations are like that.

When you're working on a home renovation project, before you demo stuff, you draw up plans for what needs to be done. You take measurements and consult experts. It takes time and precision.

In life, the blueprints have been drawn for us. God knew each of your days before he put the earth on its axis. He's not surprised by anything that's going on, and as we've already discussed, there is purpose in your suffering.

The Architect of our days knows the plan without even looking at a drawing. We start out, as baby Christians, and like me as a little girl staring at the drafting table, we can be completely oblivious. However, when we learn to trust the Architect, to read His instructions, and to consult Him in all things, we get better at discerning the plan.

With practice and training, you get better at reading the blueprints.

In our most recent marriage renovation project, at first, it was difficult to see through the pain. I was so hurt and demoralized that, for a bit, I lost sight of the Architect. I prayed continuously, though, and He is faithful.

After reading the first chapter of For Women Only, the book for women about men (which he had picked up mistakenly in the dark), Josiah was able to voice the fact that my complaints – about his lack of leadership and his failure to protect me emotionally – made him feel inadequate.

My first reaction? On the outside, I shut down. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful for that because the inside looked something like this:

What?! God, How could he say that?! How could he say that me voicing VERY valid complaints made him feel inadequate? I mean, I guess can understand how he would, but is it MY fault that he feels inadequate, or is it HIS because he hasn't been doing what he's supposed to do? Am I NEVER supposed to voice any complaint?!

Not pretty. And as I voiced those feelings in my head, I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging on me.

It felt sort of like my mind was being ripped in two because those feelings are very acceptable by the world's standards, they are NOT Biblical, and the Holy Spirit will always pray for you in alignment with God because He IS part of God (Romans 8 :27).

I was talking to God and saying one thing, but the Spirit was saying another, and I could feel the dissonance.

So, I decided to consult the Architect about His plans.

I prayed continuously. I started keeping a prayer journal. I dug into God's Word.

The more I dug, the more I realized that my viewpoint was not, in any way, substantiated by Scripture. Yes, we're supposed to correct one another with love, but generally, we're supposed to SEE the good the BE the good.

That's my new motto: see it and be it.

SEE the good:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8

I don't know if you noticed, but that doesn't say anything about me looking for what needs to be fixed about Josiah. It tells me that INSTEAD of worrying about those things, I'm supposed to go to God WITH GRATITUDE and talk to Him. I'm also supposed to try to concentrate on what is GOOD about Josiah, not those few things at which he may not excel.

Jesus told us to love one another as ourselves, and to treat one another as we would like to be treated.

Do I want Josiah to pick out the things I do wrong in an effort to help me “improve.” OR, do I want him to see the best in me, and appreciate the best in me, despite the areas I may need improvement in?

That's a rhetorical question: I want to be loved for who I am. Duh. So does he.

Now, BE the good:

“...wives,submit yourselves to your own husbands so that,

even if some disobey the Christian message,

they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live

when they observe your pure, reverent lives....

For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God

also beautified themselves in this way,

submitting to their own husbands,

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

You have become her children when you do what is good

and are not frightened by anything alarming.”

1 Peter 3:1-2, 5-6

Whaaaaat? I'm not supposed to lovingly point out to Josiah where he's going wrong? I'm supposed to win him over without a word when he sees the purity and reverence in my OWN life and in my OWN Christian walk? I'm supposed to beautify myself in the eyes of God by submitting to my husband?

What the what?

I'm actually feigning shock here because I already knew all that. I knew It in my head, but God took this verse and made it a piece of my heart.

I LOVE THAT.

Here's the deal, ladies. Our husbands don't need our loving complaints, a.k.a. nagging. (Yup. I went there).

They need our support because our support makes them feel respected, and when our men know we respect them they can move mountains or build skyscrapers.

At this point, you may be thinking the same thing I was: That's all well and good, but there's NO WAY I can walk that out! How do I even BEGIN to do that?!

With Jesus, sweet sister...only with Jesus, but we'll talk about that more on REBUILDING DAY....

Marriage renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how demo went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Josiah Style

Traditionally, from the male perspective, this is the most wonderful part of any construction job.

The reason?

Tear it up. Break it down. Don't bother being careful. Yeah, there may be some bloody knuckles, some splinters, a nail or two that may have broken skin somewhere...but who cares. You get to see change, and you get to see it quick!

Seriously. Just ask me to pick up a sledgehammer, or jack, or a saw... Something. Please. Just give me something. That, and point at a wall, a floor...name it.

Know what's not as fun?

Self-demo.

I don't feel like this is a feeling that occurred at a specific moment, but there is a moment when it came to a head.

A couple weeks ago Alissa and I had gone on a trip to Cape Charles, Virginia in order to try to spend some time with some other couples in our church and solidify the vision and future of the marriage ministry there.

The weekend was supposed to have been a weekend to build. To design. To build a foundation and a structure that could withstand the winds of any oncoming storm.

God had a similar vision, but not on what we had planned.

First, some walls had to come down.

After a pained morning where Alissa and I had a passionate conversation about the lack of leadership from men in general in the church, why I felt that was, and what in the world to do about it, we made our way back to the house in order to start breakfast.

I tried to breach the subject of how to involve men. Not just in the marriage ministry, but in marriage: to be mentors, to reach out and to teach other men HOW to lead, because I don't feel like discipleship is a strength in American churches today.

My wife made an effort to extend my point further of how we leave men behind because ministry towards men is typically geared only to the stereotypical man.

You know, the sportsman.

For guys into football, golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, camping, etc.

But what about the executives? The musicians? The computer whizzes? The car guys?

This is the point my wife was desperately trying to make, that we had both made on our walk...that men aren't doing a good job and training other men, and we are leaving far too many men behind.

The key word in the prior statement is try. She didn't. She wasn't able to. She was interrupted.

My wife's goal at furthering a point I had made about men desperately needing each other to teach other how to be men was thwarted.

It was mistaken as condescension.

In that moment, two things happened. I was taken by surprise, as was my wife, and my wife broke down.

I did not rise to defend her. I sat idly by, in portion, due to being caught off guard, but also in part because I know my wife is capable of verbally defending herself.

What I didn't recognize at the time was I totally missed my queue.

Has anyone seen my shining armor? I seem to have left it somewhere.

This isn't the first time we really had an issue where she felt (accurately) that I had failed to come to her aid and left her to fend for herself.

The problem is, that really did leave her in a place where she was vulnerable, and it hit her like a brick wall.

Knowing I had failed her, I felt inadequate.

It wasn't a good feeling. It felt more like a demolition derby with me being the constant focus than taking out my frustration on some ill-fated wall.

This highlights the biggest issue I've been facing:

Figuring out how to lead.

If there's one thing I'm usually pretty good at, it's recognizing my shortcomings. Honestly, I don't always handle them in the way I should, but I recognize them. Well, most of them.

I have a lot of them, and usually where I lack, Alissa does a fantastic job of making up for them.

For those of you who know me, I'm usually fairly quiet unless I've got something that's a bit on the sarcastic side that pops into my mind, or if I can make a fairly concise point. I am not one to wax poetic, nor to really say much outside of the lines of what I feel MUST be said.

Maybe my point kind of comes across already because most of you already know my wife, the eager volunteer and social butterfly.

These are two things that I absolutely adore in Alissa, but couldn't be any further who I am.

I HAVE to change, and in order to do that I needed to have a breakthrough.

As God would have it, much like some of the best reasons anyone could hope to face any demolition, it was because it was time to outgrow where I had made my home.

Second, because it was the best possible investment I could possibly make.

Demolition had been done, it was time for the next phase....

Stay tuned!