We're Breaking Up: Kicking Out Self-Doubt

"Being prideful isn't thinking too much of oneself,

but thinking of oneself too much."

I don't know who said this, but whomever it was speaks truth.

Anyone who knows me well (or has read this blog at all) probably knows me and and Self-Doubt are the best of frienemies. I try pretty hard to ditch her, but somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I cling to her. I'm a toddler clutching my filthy, ragged blanky; it's disgusting, but comforting.

Sometimes, I forget she's hanging out, but then, mostly when changing hormones are involved, she makes her presence known, like the wallflower at the party who turns into the screaming, crying drunk.

Most recently, this self-doubt has been connected to my business.

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a promoter for a direct marketing company. It has changed and continues to change my life and health and promoting for them is what allows me to stay at home AND keep our budget in the black.

It sounds like I'm successful, but I never really feel that way. Here's the deal, and what I cried about to poor Josiah last night: because I've found a modicum of success in this beautiful direct sales business, it's made me "a leader."

I have a team...a team I'm supposed to be leading to success...a team I'm supposed to encourage toward their own success. In this area...in leading my team...I feel like a constant failure. I have since the beginning.

I feel like a fraud.

I spilled all of this to Josiah last night. He reminded me of a few things, and then today, by the morning light, it all kind of came together.

I AM a leader because I'm doing my best with what God gave me.

That's what I encourage in my team, right? I encourage them to do what they're capable of doing. Why do I expect anything differently from myself?

I look at other leaders in the company and compare my success with theirs, but they aren't me. God didn't put me in their shoes; he put me in mine, and these are the ones in which I am destined to walk.

I love the company, the products, and the founders, but also...

• I am a mother of SIX children: one in college, one navigating the beginning of her teen years, one caught somewhere between funny little boy and learning to be a man, two rambunctious toddlers, and a sweet infant.
• I am a homeschool teacher.
• I am a wife who loves her husband fiercely and passionately and tries desperately to make him and our home a priority.
• I am a friend.
• I am a woman of God.

Here, in the life God gave me, in all these things, I am a LEADER simply because that's who God made me to be.

My leadership just looks different than other leaders in the company...and I need to come to a place where I can be okay with that.

I seek His will and His wisdom each and every day. I try to do my best to "grow my business," but at some point, I have to trust that if I plant the seeds, He will water the garden and bring in the harvest. 

He's the one in control.

There are those in the industry who are praised for "hitting numbers" and letting other things in life slide. If I'm being totally honest, that's what my first couple months in the business looked like because they HAD to. God put the opportunity in my path and a fire in my heart to help people and to help my family, and that sucker BLAZED.

The fire is still there, but now it's a steady, controlled burn...the only kind I can have and still maintain my home and family.

We all have to set our priorities. Mine look like this:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Business

I will still continue to work on my business daily because I BELIEVE in it...but I also believe God made me a girl with a lot of hats, and I need to make sure I'm ordering my life accordingly.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

The Bible says if I acknowledge HIM in all my ways, then He'll keep me on the right path. Therefore, that's what I'm committing to do. I'm going to try my hardest and just trust that if I'm moving in the wrong direction, He'll let me know.

Whenever you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

So, Self-Doubt, today I'm rejecting you. We're breaking up. It's just not working out.

If you're on my team, please know I LOVE YOU. You may not hear from me as often as some of the other leaders, but I pray for you often. I will do anything I can for you, to help and inspire you, whether that's business encouragement or you just need a friend or a prayer. If you need me, please let me know!!

I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, AND a leader. In all these things, I choose to THRIVE.

Hi. My name is Alissa...and I'm a Self-Slander Addict.

First, you may have noticed there haven't been many posts lately about my "purpose."  I'm kind of stuck on that one, and I think I'm okay with that.  I've come to the conclusion that if I'm praying for God to show me that purpose and guide me in my life, then he's going to do that...but it's going to be in His time, not in mine.  Therefore, any frantic search for it is going to be fruitless.  He'll let me know what He wants me to do and when He wants me to do it.  I'll just have to be patient and make sure I'm preparing myself spiritually for whatever task He needs me to carry out, be it BIG or small.

That having been said, let's talk a bit about my appearance.  Doesn't sound remarkably spiritual does it?  Let me explain...

To most people I look REALLY confident...chunky, but confident.  Those who know me best, however, know how horrifyingly insecure I can be, especially in regard to my weight...my belly in particular.  For example, Josiah and I have been dating almost a year now, and it still makes me really uncomfortable if he gives me a hug from behind and touches my stomach.  Normally, I'll squirm into a different position or just move his hands.  It's really bad.

I say I'm working on getting rid of the insecurity, but if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I think I secretly protect and nurture it.  This insecurity is my friend...deep inside somewhere I coddle it.  I feel like it keeps me safe.  It's my wall and my security blanket.  Do I know how this works all the way?  Not so much.  I just feel this indescribable need to hang onto it...despite the fact that it's unhealthy and hurts Josiah very much.

Over and over he has told me he loves me...just as I am.  He wants me...just as I am.  On some level, I believe him.  But somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of my heart I keep my insecurity and I feel like if I ever truly and completely trust in his love, if I let every guard I have down and let him love me completely, he'll see that I'm not as great as he thought and he'll be repulsed...and leave.

I know, I know...I'm jacked up in the head.  This is not news, people; I've been this way for some time.  But the time has come to exorcise this demon because ya know what?  Josiah is freaking awesome and I can't imagine how much it must hurt him to love me and have me continue to keep this wall up after this amount of time.

Furthermore (and more importantly), God can't be too pleased with it either.  He gave me this body that serves me every day.  I can sit, stand, climb, run (or jog a bit), breathe, laugh, stretch, see, hear, think, and touch without even really thinking about it.  He's blessed me with this body and somewhere inside me I tell myself over and over that it just isn't good enough.  I imagine God shaking His GIANT finger at me, saying "Excuse me, young lady, but I made that body and I'll thank you to stop taking it for granted and speaking badly about it!"

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." ~ 1Corinthians 6:19-20

 I am not my own, but my body belongs to God.  Thus, hurling disparaging remarks at myself about my body dishonors Him, and I'm not really a fan of that.  This body He provided carried and bore three beautiful children, and while it has the battle scars to prove it, I wouldn't trade one of their little smiles for the flattest stomach in the world (not even if it came with great thighs and arms without jiggle!).  I need to be kind to it, mentally and physically.  I've been going to the gym, and that's good, but I definitely need to be more mindful of the junk that goes through my brain...and my gums, frankly.  I haven't exactly been counting the calories lately.

The other fact I'm begging myself to consider is that my body is temporary, but my soul is not.  I will age and things will sag, but if I continue to seek His face, then the parts that matter will be beautiful.  I think women, in particular, are susceptible to forgetting this, which is why we are specifically warned of it in the Bible.

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4 

 Will I stop wearing makeup or caring about my appearance altogether?  Not likely.  However, from this day forward I have decided to make a true and honest effort to remind myself daily that God sees the ugliest parts of me, but still thinks I am priceless and loves me...just as I am.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. ~ Psalm 139:13-16