Got Wisdom?

A while back, a blog post formed in my mind, based upon a certain passage of Scripture: 

Who is wise and has understanding among you?

He should show his works by good conduct

with wisdom's gentleness.

But if you have bitter envy and

selfish ambition in your heart

don't brag and deny the truth.

Such wisdom does not come from above

but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist,

there is disorder and evil of every kind.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, 

then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, 

full of mercy and good fruits, 

without favoritism or hypocrisy.

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace

by those who cultivate peace.

James 3:13-17

Powerful, right?

At the time, there were quite a few flare-ups on social media, and it made me so sad to see people posting Bible verses and memes about Jesus one minute, followed almost immediately by a vitriolic rant about politics, parenting methods, etc.

I though, these people NEED to hear this message.

Nevertheless, the post sat, lodged in the back of my brain, never feeling like the right time. The Holy Spirit within me was waiting...but for what?

He was waiting until I saw these people as this person. He knew MY lesson was coming.

Just recently, a situation spurred me to spew straight venom on my husband...repeatedly. It wasn't anything HE had done. I wasn't angry with him. However, because of the nature of the situation, he became a sounding board for my rage.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't nice. It certainly wasn't pretty. 

But now is the time to write this post. To break this scripture down and reveal the nature of true, godly wisdom...and it doesn't look anything like spewing venom.

First James asks who among you is wise? This is kind of a trick question, right? We're all pretty solid in our opinions and what we consider "common sense."

Ask any person on either side of the political divide which position has more wisdom, and I assure you, it will probably be his.

Then, he says, well, if you're wise, then prove it by exhibiting gentleness in your wisdom. That part is almost easy to overlook, right? What does that even mean? 

Well...he goes on. Ready to be convicted?

The next part is where I've always felt above the Scripture. When I go on my rants, it's not because I'm envious or have selfish ambition. Often, I'm defending someone or angry because I feel like someone is being wronged or taken advantage of. My indignation is RIGHTEOUS.

Bahaha. NO.

I'm going to break some of the Greek down here for you, and I'm really hoping you'll stick with me here because the outcome is pretty convicting.

When James uses the term bitter envy, the Greek is actually pikros zelos.

Pikros does mean bitter, but metaphorically it means harsh. So...let's keep that in mind.

The next term zelos looks familiar right? In a lot of the new testament it is translated as envy or jealousy, but in many others, the translation means zeal, and it's NOT a bad thing in the right context.

When Jesus purged the temple of evil just before his crucifixion, his disciples remembered a passage from Psalms that said, "Zeal for your house will consume me": zelos. (John 2:17)

In Romans 10:2, Paul references the Jews misguided zeal: zelos.

To the Corinthians, he speaks of godly sorrow leading to a long list of wonderful attributes, including zeal and justice: zelos. 

Add harsh or bitter  in front of that, and you basically get righteous indignation.

If you're ranting because you're envious of someone, that's bad...but your "harsh zeal," or RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION isn't good either.

And that's where I failed...miserably.

Furthermore, remember how I said I wasn't raving out of selfish ambition? I was wrong about that, too.

If you'll allow me to continue to nerd out on you, the Greek word there is eritheia: putting yourself forward, fractiousness, or partisanship.

Here's another verse where this word appears:

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,

but in humility consider others

as more important than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3

The word rivalry there...that's eritheia. It's putting yourself before and above others...like when you rant online (or to your husband) about other people or people groups.

Are you getting uncomfortable yet? If not, then maybe it's time to stop denying the truth, like James says, and get real. Because once you get uncomfortable...it gets worse. He goes on to say THAT kind of wisdom is DEMONIC. 

 I want to make sure you caught that: earthly, unspiritual, and DEMONIC.

Well...OUCH.

I don't know about you, but I'd sincerely like to be NOT demonic, so I'd like to move on to what godly wisdom looks like:

It's pure, without blemish or vanity.
It's peace-loving, seeking to bring unity, not divisiveness.
It's gentle and compliant, not harsh and defiant.
It's full of mercy.

I stopped right there because I really want to focus on that. When you are upset about something, and you just know you're right, are you FULL OF MERCY? 

Are you bestowing mercy and grace upon others that has been so lavishly and extravagantly poured out on you by our Heavenly Father through the blood of Christ?

Um...no. I know I haven't been.

So, I pray.

I wish I could tell you this conviction I've felt has led to immediate repentance, that I was instantly humble, but that would be a LIE.

Instead, I'm really wrestling in prayer because I keep coming back to, "BUT I'M RIGHT," and then I have to pray all over again because despite whether my position is right or wrong, my heart is in the wrong place...and that just makes me WRONG.

All glory to God; He is faithful. I have every confidence that He will work in my weakness to get my heart to the right place. I pray in my weakness His strength will shine, because I certainly cannot defeat this on my own.

I invite you to wrestle in prayer with me...heck, FOR me.

And maybe, just maybe, before you hit the paste or share button next time, take a few seconds to consider whether your post is peace-loving, gentle, and full of mercy.

If not, try praying for the people you're about to insult.
Pray for the fruits of the Spirit to shine through you.
Pray for the mercy and grace of God to flow through you.

And just don't hit the button. 

I assure you, I'll be doing the same thing.

The Wonder Years

Do you remember that show? The Wonder Years? 

I loved that show. I think the whole world did. Watching to see how Kevin would evolve. Would he ever get with Winnie Cooper? When he finally did, would they stay together? Would she ever stop whining? Would he embrace the quirks of his sweet, Jewish friend (whose name I don't remember), or would he cave to peer pressure?

Oh, the angst!!

If I remember correctly (and google says I do), then the show was narrated by an older, wiser Kevin. It was him looking back on The Wonder Years of his life.

The Wonder Years.

The other night, we got together with my friend, Chad, and his wife, Brandi. He and I graduated from high school together, although we didn't actually know one another in high school. We became friends only in recent years. 

That evening, he was preparing to play sax with our old high school band for their homecoming game the next night. The alumni musicians were invited to take part in the homecoming festivities, and you could tell he was really stoked about going to play with them (his brother also directs the band now, which is pretty cool).

"Come cheer on your old alma mater!" he said.

Instantly, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It rose up quickly and unexpectedly, so of course, I tried to force it back down to the depths from whence it came. And of course, everything I feel is almost immediately discernible on my face, so he quickly amended his statement to, "Or, come cheer on that place you went to school for a little while."

I was so grateful I couldn't go. I had plans with my oldest daughter last night. "Sorry. Can't make it!" I was relieved. 

The feeling crept back up last night as I went to pick up our other daughter from a youth S'mores night event. 

I drove the back way from Josiah's parents' house to the youth pastor's house, which passes somewhere behind the old stadium. I couldn't see it from where I was, but the sound of the crowd and the band erupted while I was at an intersection. And for a second my heart stopped. 

I crammed that feeling back down, said a prayer, and moved on.

It was only after talking to my sweet, younger daughter in our driveway, almost a teenager herself, that I figured out why I couldn't get rid of that feeling.

Emily is hurt and angry by a situation in her life, and rightfully so, but I begged her to try to give that over to God. I begged her to continue to pray about it, to pray that God would allow her to forgive because, if she didn't, that anger would become bitterness.

It leaves a hole.

And then I told her. I told her all about my hole.

I told her about the hole I had inside me in high school. Mine was caused by hurt and loneliness, not anger, but it was a hole all the same.

In that moment, I saw myself back in high school. Smiling, radiant...broken.

I was an awkward kid, especially once I hit middle school. I was chunky and weird. I was a year younger than everyone else, and I desperately sought approval in the weirdest ways possible, which of course, made me the easiest target for any bully. My years in middle school in Lynchburg were scarring, and I was more than happy when we finally moved to Amherst, VA in my 8th grade year.

I got to leave my past behind.

In Amherst, things were a little better. I was still a little chunky and desperately wanted approval, but it was a chance to reinvent myself. I made new friends, but I still got teased by the popular kids. Some things don't change.

I moved up to Amherst High and made even more new friends. I was getting involved in Theater and became a member of the Thespians' Honor Society. Then, it was time to move again. This time the move crushed me more. I was really getting attached. Nevertheless, it was another chance to reinvent. To become new.

I got to leave my past behind.

Coral Springs, FL was great. I met one of the best friends I've ever had there...one of those friends that teaches you that you can be completely opposite and still find common ground. My grades slipped a little because my social life took an upward swing. I had a great church. I had my first kiss (which was AWFUL). I dated for the first times in my life. Boys liked me...and I desperately needed boys to like me.

It was in Coral Springs that I was baptized. I had known Jesus my whole life, but I decided to dedicate my life to him...though I didn't know what that meant at the time. 

But then I came home from Mission Tour with our youth group one summer night, and my mom told me we were leaving. She and my dad were separating, and we were moving to Virginia. I had been part of the drama department and show choir, and had a lot of friends...but they all got left behind. My youth group quickly set up a goodbye party for me, and I was gone within a couple days. 

Once again, I left my past behind.

I came into Denbigh High School the first day of my Junior year. The only person I knew was the lifeguard from our apartment complex: a boy who was nice to me over the summer, but pretended like he didn't know me when he walked into the first period English class we shared.

Like my other schools, I made Denbigh my own...sort of. I became a part of the telecommunications crew, and I cheered my senior year (and lost my virginity somewhere in between). No matter where I went, I seemed to be kind of an outcast. I was the new cheerleader in a crew that had known one another since the beginning of time (or so it seemed). By telecom friends were close, but even they seemed to alternately accept and reject me.

I had a hole...deep in me. I knew Jesus, but I didn't understand having a relationship with him, so in one hand I held him, while I tried to stuff other things in the hole, which consequently, grew larger and larger.

I was a hurting little girl just trying to feel loved. I felt constantly rejected, and I just wanted so much to be loved, so I tried to cram the hole in my soul with people who might love me instead of the one man who has ever walked this earth who could love me perfectly: my savior.

High school, for me, holds a lot of fond memories of a lot of people I still love. But it also holds a dumpster-ful of hurt, rejection, and emptiness. 

And as I looked at that beautiful girl last night, sitting next to me in the car, eyes brimming with tears, I saw my teenage self and I begged God to let her see her true value. I begged Him to let her find her value in who she was in Him. And I begged her to pour all her hurts onto her Savior because He's the only one who can heal them fully.

My heart cries out to God for her, but also, I think, for me. Apparently, there are some holes left in me that I haven't filled yet. Some places where I still hurt and have room for healing. 

I am not the little girl I once was. God has healed me and forgiven me of so much. I've learned, as I find those holes that still exist, to open them up to Jesus by pouring my hurt, anger, and loneliness out to Him, and then He comes in and fills my holes in the way only He can.

God knew I needed this run-in with The Wonder Years. I needed to see my old self again. Sometimes, I mourn lost youth and beauty. I see the girl in these pictures and part of me longs to be that girl again, especially to look like her.

But, as wrinkles and white hair begin to show, I'm reminded that these may not be the beautiful marks of youth, but they can be the beautiful marks of wisdom and knowledge.

I wouldn't trade the gift of the wisdom I've gained in the last nineteen years (or, particularly, the last five) for anything - not even to look like this again. 

My body and face are aging, but my heart is new and clean because I've learned to embrace the love of my Savior. Praise God, His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23).

So, my prayer today - for me, for you, for sweet Emily - is this:

I pray that [God] may grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. [I pray that] you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend, with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God's love, and to know the Messiah's love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be FILLED with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19)

I know how insanely long this post is today. If you've made it this far, I both thank you and applaud you. If you have holes to fill today, I pray that you'll run into His arms and let his love fill them. If you have questions on how to do that, let me know...we'll walk through it together.

Needy Men are Sexy

Yup...you heard me. I said it. Needy men are sexy.

Now, if you know me, I'm sure you've ascertained that this means something more than what it appears.

Indeed, those who know Josiah and I know that I revel in his strength. I love that he is strong enough (physically and emotionally) to allow me to lean on him a good bit of the time in a way that I've never been able to lean on another person. There's freedom in the way his strength allows me to be vulnerable.

But...(and you had to know it was coming)

There is one way in which Josiah is weak and needy that is sexy beyond belief: my man knows he needs Jesus. 

He is not afraid to start each day at the foot of the cross, reaching out to his Savior saying, "I love you, and I need you. Forgive me, hold me, guide me."

And you know what? That is sexy. 

You might wonder why I'm writing this, and of course, there's a reason (other than me wanting to praise my husband).

I have a friend who posted on facebook the other day that he was sitting out in the church parking lot waiting to go in...that it was the hardest part of his week. He said it was hard for him to come to this place where he was in need and didn't have all the answers.

Praise God, he's starting to get it.

My pastor said once, there's a reason there are more women in church than men, and that's often because church brings a man publicly to a place of vulnerability, of neediness. It's a place where a man comes because he doesn't have it all together and to admit he needs a Savior.

What most men don't get is that placing themselves in that vulnerable position actually makes them so much stronger!!! 

What could David have done against Goliath without God?! Not one thing. David was only able to defeat Goliath because he knew God was with him.

How far would Moses have gotten in freeing the Israelites without God by his side? Not even a step, and certainly not across the Red Sea on dry ground.

Over and over the Bible shows us that men who admit they are weak and need God are far stronger and able to accomplish more because they know who is in control...and it's not them.

Here's the thing though...as is often the case, the world is screaming something different at our men and boys.

The world is telling them to be tough and independent, not to need anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for teaching boys to be strong, but in the right way, and strength is Jesus Christ is the strongest you can get.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,

and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Proverbs 9:10

So men, you've seen the bumper sticker - "Real Men Love Jesus" - and it's true: real men do, indeed, love and need Jesus. Know it.  Accept it.  Live it.

And ladies, spread the word. Share, tag, blab, brag - do what you need to do, but get the word out because our Christian men need to know we love their dependence upon God!! 

So, to my friend who was in the parking lot, admitting you don't have all the answers and leaning on God for understanding makes you infinitely stronger than you could ever be on your own. You'll get more comfortable with that the more you come to that place of vulnerability, the more you place yourself at the foot of the cross each and every day, not just on Sunday. 

And then, my friend, when you come to that place, you'll be racing me to the church doors, and I'll be happy to let you get there first...and I'll even let you open it for me. :)