Morning Mercies

Last night, as I took a scalding hot shower to try to wipe off the stench of my hideous behavior, the hateful words I'd spoken rang loudly in my ears. This morning, I can still hear their echo.

Ironically, one of the things I told yelled at my son yesterday was, "You can't take words back. You can apologize, but your words drive a nail into someone's heart, and when you remove the nail, you still leave a jagged, bleeding hole."

Not only did I scream that at him, but I pounded my fist into my other palm for added effect. He had disrespected me and then really wounded his sister with his words, so apparently, I was going to teach him an excellent lesson by highlighting some very wise words with my some really horrible behavior.

I then went on to nail some more holes into my husband. Over and over and over, almost uncontrollably, I hammered them in. He was so brave in light of it all, so honorable. The Holy Spirit in Him was strong, and he gave grace when I needed it the most.

This morning, the shame of my behavior still clings to me, like an oily film even a scalding shower can't wash off. There is just so much remorse.

However, my God is faithful, even in these moments. His voice whispers to me, "My grace is sufficient for you" (2 Corinth 12:9).

The Holy Spirit reminds me His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).

And, when I sought a devotion this morning about my anger, He brought me to Unglued, by Lisa TerKeurst, and this verse wrapped its arms around my soul:

For, I, Yahweh your God,

Holy your right hand.

and say to you: Do not fear,

I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

Do not be afraid. I'm holding your hand. I will help you. 

I let out a relieved sigh. Thanks be to God.

I need help in so many areas right now. My temper seems to have a mind of its own. My house is topsy turvy. Our homeschool days are dreary. My business needs new life.

But in all things, there He is. His grace is sufficient. His mercies are new each morning. He is with me, holding my hand.

And I am grateful.

When Faith Meets Fat (a.k.a. Dressing Room Drama)

Lamentations 3:21-23

I sat there, in dressing room, the unforgiving fluorescent lights bearing down on my half-clothed body, and I prayed.

Dear God, I just told Emily 15 minutes ago that hating her body was a waste of time and a waste of a gift from You. Help me, God. Help me keep it together so those words won't be lost. Don't let me break down here.

God got me through. I put the unkind, unforgiving pants back on the rack, bought Emily's things, and continued on about the evening. Later that night, though, I laid in bed and talked to Josiah about it. At first it was a calm controlled conversation, and then...

Then the Holy Spirit revealed to me what was really going on inside me, and it came gushing out with hot, condemning tears.

It's just pointless. I was put on my first diet at 7 years old. I have been fighting this battle for 30 years, just about my entire life, and the victories are few and far between. I cannot do this anymore. I'm just a fat person. It's who I am, and there's no use in trying to change it. It doesn't matter if I walk. It doesn't matter if I put the cookie down because tomorrow, or in the next hour, or in the next 5 minutes, I'll just fail again, so what's the point in putting forth the effort/

Apparently, the pants weren't the only things that were "unkind" and "unforgiving." Basically, I was saying losers lose...and I'm a loser.

And that, my friends, is my battle, in a nutshell.

The next morning, though, I poured my heart out to Jesus. I dove into His Word, and He put these scriptures on my heart. This is a picture of what that looks like for me...because it's real and raw and organic. Sometimes, the clean lines of computer font can't quite convey the heart as well as ink on paper.

It's definitely imperfect. Avery scribbled all over the page before I even wrote on it, and I didn't want to waste the page. But I didn't care. It was messy, and it was pure, and it was good.

He knocked at the door of my heart, and I opened it, and He came in to fellowship with me and comfort me (Revelation 3:20).

And His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Oh dear God, thank you for your grace being sufficient. When I am weak, HE is strong, and even though I struggle, He is ready and waiting with grace upon grace. Always enough. Always sufficient.

When Paul was talking about power being perfected in weakness, do you know what he was talking about? The thorn in his flesh. He begged God to take it away, but to ensure Paul stayed humble and constantly seeking His grace, God left the thorn.

Because His grace is sufficient. 

My struggle with my body and food is my thorn. It just is. I can attempt to fight it on my own or just admit defeat (one normally leads to the other), OR I can lean into God for His strength, and rest and revel in His grace when I don't.

If you asked me, generally, if I think I am a hopeless person, I would answer "Of course not! I'm full of hope!" But, in this one thing, I was definitely hopeless.

I had given up hope because I felt like it only brought pain, but that was because I was only hoping in my own strength, and can I tell you? I am not a strong person, not in this area, at least. I am weak.

But God is not.

So, now, I will dare to hope. I will put my trust and hope in Him because He is faithful and His mercies are new each morning. Thank you, God!!

Now friend, it's time for me to ask you, in what area have you given up hope? Where have you depended upon your own strength when you should be leaning on the everlasting arms?

It's almost the end of 2016. We're on the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. Let Him breathe new life, new hope, into those dark corners of your heart.

His mercies are new, and He's waiting for you.

Got Wisdom?

A while back, a blog post formed in my mind, based upon a certain passage of Scripture: 

Who is wise and has understanding among you?

He should show his works by good conduct

with wisdom's gentleness.

But if you have bitter envy and

selfish ambition in your heart

don't brag and deny the truth.

Such wisdom does not come from above

but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist,

there is disorder and evil of every kind.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, 

then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, 

full of mercy and good fruits, 

without favoritism or hypocrisy.

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace

by those who cultivate peace.

James 3:13-17

Powerful, right?

At the time, there were quite a few flare-ups on social media, and it made me so sad to see people posting Bible verses and memes about Jesus one minute, followed almost immediately by a vitriolic rant about politics, parenting methods, etc.

I though, these people NEED to hear this message.

Nevertheless, the post sat, lodged in the back of my brain, never feeling like the right time. The Holy Spirit within me was waiting...but for what?

He was waiting until I saw these people as this person. He knew MY lesson was coming.

Just recently, a situation spurred me to spew straight venom on my husband...repeatedly. It wasn't anything HE had done. I wasn't angry with him. However, because of the nature of the situation, he became a sounding board for my rage.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't nice. It certainly wasn't pretty. 

But now is the time to write this post. To break this scripture down and reveal the nature of true, godly wisdom...and it doesn't look anything like spewing venom.

First James asks who among you is wise? This is kind of a trick question, right? We're all pretty solid in our opinions and what we consider "common sense."

Ask any person on either side of the political divide which position has more wisdom, and I assure you, it will probably be his.

Then, he says, well, if you're wise, then prove it by exhibiting gentleness in your wisdom. That part is almost easy to overlook, right? What does that even mean? 

Well...he goes on. Ready to be convicted?

The next part is where I've always felt above the Scripture. When I go on my rants, it's not because I'm envious or have selfish ambition. Often, I'm defending someone or angry because I feel like someone is being wronged or taken advantage of. My indignation is RIGHTEOUS.

Bahaha. NO.

I'm going to break some of the Greek down here for you, and I'm really hoping you'll stick with me here because the outcome is pretty convicting.

When James uses the term bitter envy, the Greek is actually pikros zelos.

Pikros does mean bitter, but metaphorically it means harsh. So...let's keep that in mind.

The next term zelos looks familiar right? In a lot of the new testament it is translated as envy or jealousy, but in many others, the translation means zeal, and it's NOT a bad thing in the right context.

When Jesus purged the temple of evil just before his crucifixion, his disciples remembered a passage from Psalms that said, "Zeal for your house will consume me": zelos. (John 2:17)

In Romans 10:2, Paul references the Jews misguided zeal: zelos.

To the Corinthians, he speaks of godly sorrow leading to a long list of wonderful attributes, including zeal and justice: zelos. 

Add harsh or bitter  in front of that, and you basically get righteous indignation.

If you're ranting because you're envious of someone, that's bad...but your "harsh zeal," or RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION isn't good either.

And that's where I failed...miserably.

Furthermore, remember how I said I wasn't raving out of selfish ambition? I was wrong about that, too.

If you'll allow me to continue to nerd out on you, the Greek word there is eritheia: putting yourself forward, fractiousness, or partisanship.

Here's another verse where this word appears:

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,

but in humility consider others

as more important than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3

The word rivalry there...that's eritheia. It's putting yourself before and above others...like when you rant online (or to your husband) about other people or people groups.

Are you getting uncomfortable yet? If not, then maybe it's time to stop denying the truth, like James says, and get real. Because once you get uncomfortable...it gets worse. He goes on to say THAT kind of wisdom is DEMONIC. 

 I want to make sure you caught that: earthly, unspiritual, and DEMONIC.

Well...OUCH.

I don't know about you, but I'd sincerely like to be NOT demonic, so I'd like to move on to what godly wisdom looks like:

It's pure, without blemish or vanity.
It's peace-loving, seeking to bring unity, not divisiveness.
It's gentle and compliant, not harsh and defiant.
It's full of mercy.

I stopped right there because I really want to focus on that. When you are upset about something, and you just know you're right, are you FULL OF MERCY? 

Are you bestowing mercy and grace upon others that has been so lavishly and extravagantly poured out on you by our Heavenly Father through the blood of Christ?

Um...no. I know I haven't been.

So, I pray.

I wish I could tell you this conviction I've felt has led to immediate repentance, that I was instantly humble, but that would be a LIE.

Instead, I'm really wrestling in prayer because I keep coming back to, "BUT I'M RIGHT," and then I have to pray all over again because despite whether my position is right or wrong, my heart is in the wrong place...and that just makes me WRONG.

All glory to God; He is faithful. I have every confidence that He will work in my weakness to get my heart to the right place. I pray in my weakness His strength will shine, because I certainly cannot defeat this on my own.

I invite you to wrestle in prayer with me...heck, FOR me.

And maybe, just maybe, before you hit the paste or share button next time, take a few seconds to consider whether your post is peace-loving, gentle, and full of mercy.

If not, try praying for the people you're about to insult.
Pray for the fruits of the Spirit to shine through you.
Pray for the mercy and grace of God to flow through you.

And just don't hit the button. 

I assure you, I'll be doing the same thing.