Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HIS Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how the Rebuilding phase of the remodel went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 3: Rebuilding - Josiah Style

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls,

but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14

Unfortunately, I've come to a point of realization when I look at the churches across America, and men in general, and I see few mentors.

I feel like we are watching the decline of Christian leaders and Christianity because of a lack of guidance.

Like with our dance lessons, the only way to be an effective leader is to have followed close enough to someone who is an effective leader and who takes time to invest in you.

Our men's ministry is not non-existent, but as far as I'm aware, there aren't really men reaching out to other men and training them for anything in any capacity. Our church does a fantastic job at children's ministry, but I feel that's where a lot of masculine input and time ceases.

In speaking to one man, I asked him why the men's ministry at our church was stagnant, and would he be involved in it if it existed.

The answer? “It would have to be worth my time. I don't get very much of it, and I don't want it to be wasted.” Not word for word, but that was certainly the message.

A friend of ours, and I chimed in at almost the same time, “Okay, so what WOULD be worth your time?”

I feel like this is a common thread, but more than likely it is NOT the right question. In order to get the right answer, you have to ask the right question sometimes, right?

Perhaps the right question should lie along the lines of “Why on earth don't we care about teaching men on how to be men, fathers, on things of God, on how to not just follow rules but to develop a true love and passion for our God and for our spouses in such a way our childrens' lives will be changed?”

There is a shorter phrase for this statement...

“Why are we content at failing the call of The Great Commission to make disciples?”

I have had people teach me along the way on how to paint, how to write, how to read, how to drive...

I've had input on how to be a Christian, what a man of God looks like, and on how to parent, but I don't feel like I've had a lot of input on what it is to be a Christian leader.

I need it, though.

Not only that, I know other guys need it. And I know a lot aren't getting it.

I can't help but feel like that is why this generation of young people are leaving the church in alarming numbers.

There is a severe lack of men who are willing to lean on other men when they need it, because they don't feel there are other men they CAN lean on.

I firmly believe that a lot of the men who don't feel they have someone to lean on when they need it is because no one has invested the time or the energy in them in order to guide them BEFORE they needed it.

An ounce of prevention IS better than a pound of cure, right?

Our wives are begging us to lead. They need it whether or not they act like they want it, or would even admit that they want it.

I left the marriage retreat weekend KNOWING that if we truly care about the marriages in our church, and we truly care about marriages period, then the focus can't be to try to save marriages so much as it has to be to train and disciple men.

I don't know exactly what this will look like yet, but I've had some walls that have had to come down in this remodel.

I've had to face walls of pride and of excuses. I expect to face other people's walls of pride and excuses as well.

But I will plan, I will move with purpose, and I will persevere.

It's much like going to the gym.

You can say you don't have the time, but you do. You have to make it.

You don't have the time? Put your cell phone down for a minute. Turn the video games off. Turn the TV off.

Your high scores won't make a difference to anyone, or in anyone. Certainly not in 5 years.

You knowing the results of a game, catching up on the latest TV series isn't going to help much either in the long run.

Sure, it may be a conversation entry point, and I'm not saying there shouldn't be any down time.

But instead of finding ways to wind down, we should be focused on ways to train up.

I liked this quote a lot: “Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

I have to break through.

James 1:5-6 says: 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given him. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting,

for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea

that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

This is my prayer. It may have been James' prayer, and he certainly encouraged others to pray it.

So now it's mine.

I have to be a better leader.

I know no better way to do that than to be a better follower of God.

For my wife. For my kids. For me. For my Church.

For my God.

God isn't done with me, and I'm sure there are more walls to come down.

Alissa's isn't the ONLY life under construction, after all.

I am God's temple for renovation.

A Quick and Dirty Talk About Modesty

A few minutes ago, a friend of mine posted this article about modesty and men's struggles. It's a pretty decent take on things, and it's worth a read.

This subject has been on my mind a lot lately, and has been the subject of many of Josiah's and my discussions. Therefore, the comment on my friend's page was so long I had to delete it and turn it into a blog post.

For those of you who aren't familiar with my "quick and dirty" posts, that just means they are written in a mad dash and no real editing has been done.

First, regarding the male's struggle with visual stimuli, I won't even pretend to get it...because I DON'T. We just don't. We all THINK we do, but I realized very recently that "men are visual" actually means something entirely different than I thought it did.

Within the last couple weeks I read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, and it was a game-changer. In it, she deals with this topic and explains what actually happens physiologically when a man sees a woman he finds attractive: an ENTIRELY different region of his brain lights up. You'd have to read the book to get the particulars, but it's one of the regions at the base of the skull...the part that registers pure biological instinct like hunger...or, for men, looking. That doesn't happen for women.

The reason I say this is a game-changer is because MEN REALLY CAN"T HELP IT...at least the first look. It IS up to them whether they continue to look after that point, but the struggle is real...and it is a STRUGGLE.

Now, regarding what women should and shouldn't wear, I don't think there's anything universal for that, I don't ever want to be legalistic about something that's not specifically described in the Bible. I will say this, though, the Bible does tell us that we should dress modestly, so we should at least think a little about that before we walk out the door with pieces showing.

But, there are a couple things no one is talking about.

Like...men's struggle with porn.

I know what you're thinking: WHAT?! Everyone is talking about that!!

But are they really? Sure, the man that wrote this article says he struggles, but Josiah and I have talked about this, and while Christian society is saying this is a problem, it's a problem no one seems to HAVE.

Hey fellas, any of your buddies tell you recently that they have a porn problem? Ask you to pray for their purity? Ask you to help keep them accountable?

No? Huh.

We are setting our Christian men up to fail, ladies...our husbands, our sons. They're roaming around in a world that tempts them at every turn, but we've shamed them to the point of suffering in silence.

They try to deal with the sin on our own, but no part of the body of Christ was ever meant to struggle alone.

So, that's the first thing no one is talking about - no one is fessing up to this habit.

The other thing no one is talking about is the female counterpart to this habit - and I don't mean romance novels, Nicholas Sparks movies, or a million shades of gray.

I'm talking about our need to be seen.

I know what a lot of you women are saying: I couldn't care less if men look at me! I never even think about it.

But I think that's a lie. I think we all care. I think we all want attention. We want to be seen and noticed by men. (Well, if you're heterosexual, but if you're not, then that's just a whole different issue.)

At the very least, I know this is true of me. Gary Thomas said something along these lines in one session of Sacred Marriage, and it really made me think: am I concerned about what my husband thinks of me or what other men think of me.

Well, Josiah, of course!! my self-righteousness said. However, something else nagged at the back of my mind. If that's true, then why do I still cry in front of my closet when I feel like I look awful...and my husband has told me he thinks I look beautiful.

That's a conundrum.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized what other people think, particularly men, does bother me. I hate that men don't ogle me like they used to when I was younger and thinner. I hate that I'm not noticed like I once was.

When I'm super hormonal and staring in the mirror with tears and snot running down my face, I say to myself, What happened? I used to be beautiful!

It's like Memory from Cats in my head.

And maybe I'm alone. Maybe I'm the only one that feels that way...but I don't think so.

I think any woman who gives this even a bit of honest self-analysis will probably feel the same way.

And, ladies, that's what WE need to get under control. It's not always WHAT we wear, but WHY we're wearing it that truly makes a difference.

Well, there it is...my rant on yoga pants, porn, and attention-seeking. Take from it what you will.

Needy Men are Sexy

Yup...you heard me. I said it. Needy men are sexy.

Now, if you know me, I'm sure you've ascertained that this means something more than what it appears.

Indeed, those who know Josiah and I know that I revel in his strength. I love that he is strong enough (physically and emotionally) to allow me to lean on him a good bit of the time in a way that I've never been able to lean on another person. There's freedom in the way his strength allows me to be vulnerable.

But...(and you had to know it was coming)

There is one way in which Josiah is weak and needy that is sexy beyond belief: my man knows he needs Jesus. 

He is not afraid to start each day at the foot of the cross, reaching out to his Savior saying, "I love you, and I need you. Forgive me, hold me, guide me."

And you know what? That is sexy. 

You might wonder why I'm writing this, and of course, there's a reason (other than me wanting to praise my husband).

I have a friend who posted on facebook the other day that he was sitting out in the church parking lot waiting to go in...that it was the hardest part of his week. He said it was hard for him to come to this place where he was in need and didn't have all the answers.

Praise God, he's starting to get it.

My pastor said once, there's a reason there are more women in church than men, and that's often because church brings a man publicly to a place of vulnerability, of neediness. It's a place where a man comes because he doesn't have it all together and to admit he needs a Savior.

What most men don't get is that placing themselves in that vulnerable position actually makes them so much stronger!!! 

What could David have done against Goliath without God?! Not one thing. David was only able to defeat Goliath because he knew God was with him.

How far would Moses have gotten in freeing the Israelites without God by his side? Not even a step, and certainly not across the Red Sea on dry ground.

Over and over the Bible shows us that men who admit they are weak and need God are far stronger and able to accomplish more because they know who is in control...and it's not them.

Here's the thing though...as is often the case, the world is screaming something different at our men and boys.

The world is telling them to be tough and independent, not to need anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for teaching boys to be strong, but in the right way, and strength is Jesus Christ is the strongest you can get.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,

and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Proverbs 9:10

So men, you've seen the bumper sticker - "Real Men Love Jesus" - and it's true: real men do, indeed, love and need Jesus. Know it.  Accept it.  Live it.

And ladies, spread the word. Share, tag, blab, brag - do what you need to do, but get the word out because our Christian men need to know we love their dependence upon God!! 

So, to my friend who was in the parking lot, admitting you don't have all the answers and leaning on God for understanding makes you infinitely stronger than you could ever be on your own. You'll get more comfortable with that the more you come to that place of vulnerability, the more you place yourself at the foot of the cross each and every day, not just on Sunday. 

And then, my friend, when you come to that place, you'll be racing me to the church doors, and I'll be happy to let you get there first...and I'll even let you open it for me. :)