Open and Shut

A door slams in your face, and you're devastated...discouraged...disappointed...desperate.

The new job falls through...

a pink slip is delivered...

a relationship falls apart...

the perfect opportunity dies in front of you.

The door slams firmly shut, stubbing your toes and your pride in the process.

Once again this morning, I was reading The Circle Maker and Batterson brought to my attention a verse I've read before, more than once, but somehow never noticed. 

“The Holy One, the True One, the One who has the key of David, 

who opens and no one will close, and closes and no one opens says:

I know your works. 

Because you have limited strength, have kept My word, 

and have not denied My name, look, 

I have placed before you an open door that no one is able to close."

Revelation 3:7-8 (emphasis added)

We love open doors. We love to be given new opportunities and adventures, but rarely do we thank God for the doors that are closed securely behind us.

However, in this verse we're reminded that it's Jesus Christ who opens and closes the doors of opportunity for us, and his will is irreversible.

"And we know that all things work together

for the good of those who love God:

those who are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28

All things. Not some things, not most things. All things.

I've prayed for some stuff before, let me tell ya. I've prayed for that relationship I just knew was right, but didn't work out anyway. I've prayed about the job that seemed like the perfect fit, but I didn't even get an interview. In retrospect, I was able to see how every one of those closed doors was a blessing in disguise, and not just a little one either...a huge one.

Every slammed door is shut tight for a reason. And guess what? You may not know what that reason is on this side of eternity. You may never know why, but we know He's in control and working for our good, and we have to just trust Him.

I know it's hard. I've been there, and I know I'll be there again someday. It happens to all of us. However, I'm here to tell you that no door opens or closes that God doesn't have control over, and He loves you, and his love is perfect.

Just remember, often, the reason God shuts one door is because there's a much better door He wants to open for you just a little bit down the pike, and once He opens that door, no one can close it.

Corinthians 3 Thursday: Clarifying Values

What are your values?

No...don't just skim over it. Really take a second to think about the question.

What are your values?

If you're anything like me when I first read that question, then you said, "I know my values!! They are...uh...I mean...you know, I'm a Christian, so I have those values!!"

Which, is true. I am a Christian, and I have that worldview. Therefore, everything I look at is filtered through my faith. However, it's also a cop-out.

In Christian Coaching, Collins quotes authors Williams and Menendez from their book Becoming a Professional Life Coach: "Once clients are conscious of values, they act as the true north point of a compass, guiding coaching clients in a direction that makes their life journey less haphazard and more purposeful" (Collins, 2009, pg. 145).

So what we're talking about here is defining the things YOU value most in life and then making sure your actions line up with your values. If they don't, then you're living a life that doesn't reconcile...and that's bad news in the end. It's living a life with no "soul integrity" (which is, I think, a term from Unglued by Lisa TerKeurst).

But why is this part of the process of finding direction? Simple. We can't know where God wants us to go if we don't know who and where we are now. This is simply us taking an inventory of what we're working with before we get moving. To do this, we'll need to clarify our values, discuss our passions, and discover our spiritual gifts and personal strengths. THEN we can start talking about where we want to go.

So, how exactly do we list these "foundational values that anchor our lives" (Collins, 2009, pg. 367)?

Well, there are a couple ways. First, Collins provides a list in Appendix F of his book. The reader/client is asked to choose between 12 and 15 of the words that resonate with him the most. So, while many of them may apply, try to choose the ones that mean the most to you.

It's a long list, so take your time!

Accomplishment	Fun	Productivity
Affirmation	Gentleness	Purity
Ambition	Genuineness	Quality
Authenticity	Good taste	Recognition
Beauty	Growth	Relaxation
Being a model	Hard word	Respect for life
Being in control	Honesty	Respect for people
Career	Humility	Respect for the environment
Caution	Humor	Risk taking
Collaboration	Impacting people	Security
Communicating	Independence	Self-esteem
Community	Influence	Self-expression
Compassion	Inspiring others	Sensitivity
Competence	Integrity	Servanthood
Consistency with biblical teaching	Joy	Service
Creativity	Lack of pretense	Sexual fulfillment
Determination	Love	Silence
Diligence	Love of learning	Sincerity
Efficiency	Loyalty	Solitude
Elegance	Making money	Spiritual growth
Encouragement	Marriage	Stability
Enlightenment	Mentoring	Success
Excellence	Nurturing	Temperance
Excitement	Obedience	Tolerance
Experiencing pleasure	Orderliness	Tongue control
Faithfulness	Patience	Tranquility
Family	Peace	Trust
Forgiveness	Perfection	Truth
Forward looking	Performance	Winning
Freedom	Persistence	Worship
Frugality	Personal power	Add your own….
Fulfillment	Physical vitality

If you're anything like me, then your list was kind of long. However, there were some I circled that I really felt overlapped, or one encompassed the other. To help shorten the list, I asked Destiny what she feels my values are. After letting her look at me with a blank stare for about 30 seconds, I clarified: "What do I value most?" Her list was pretty comparable to my own.

She said my values were as follows: family, books, education, and faith. Pretty accurate, but I'm hoping she didn't mean in that order.

My final list, in order of priority or dominance, looked like this:

1. Faith in God
2. Family
3. Love
4. Joy
5. Humor
6. Communication
7. Authenticity
8. Learning
9. Analysis
10. Spiritual/Personal growth

With that, I let certain values be a subheading for others. For example, my faith in God also encompasses a lot of values that aren't listed, like honesty and integrity.

I'm sure a lot of people will find "analysis" a bit odd, but it's just a big part of who I am. I analyze everything - sometimes far too much. Nevertheless, it's a big part of who I am, and why I'm able to pour out my dirt/life's lessons on this blog.

If you still need help clarifying your values, you can do a couple things. First, ask someone close to you. Be careful with children, though..they're brutally honest. *smile*

You can also ask yourself some questions, such as:

• If you could only take ten values with you into a strange and possibly dangerous territory, which are the ones you absolutely must have?
• What values would you fight for? Die for?
• What values are so important that you would quit a job if they were violated by your employer?
• How would people who knew you best describe what you are like? (Collins, 2009, pg. 1445-146)

So, what are your values? What words on that list resonate deep within you? Like Absolem said to Alice: "Whooooo aaaaaaare yooooooouuu?"

If you're traveling on this journey with me and you have a blog, please link up! It will be a lot of fun to go through this together!!If you don't have a blog, please leave what you discover in the comments section below!

To link up, simply use the Linky Tools link below, enter your blog address, title, and maybe a couple other things, and you're on your way!!

Wade In the Water

I am not a risk taker. At all. I don't even buy scratch lottery tickets because I don't feel the possible gain worth the $1 or $5 risk.

Yup...not exactly a girl livin' on the edge.

However, I may be living on the edge in another way, and that's probably not a good thing.

I was reading The Circle Maker this morning, and something the author (Mark Batterson) said stopped me in my tracks.

He was talking about the confidence Elijah had that God would answer his prayers. He was so sure God would come through that acted often before he could even see God working. 

He just knew the answer was "yes" before he heard it.

Batterson then went on to talk about the Israelites crossing the Jordan before they could go into the Promised Land. So the Israelites would know God was with them and would accomplish great things for them, He had Joshua tell the priest to carry the Ark of the Covenant ahead of everyone else and walk into the Jordan.

The exact words were, "Tell the priests who carry the Ark of the Covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river'" (Joshua 3:8).

Sure. That's no big deal, right? Just tell the priests to take the seriously heavy golden ark and go stand in the Jordan river in the middle of the flood season (Joshua 3:15).

If I were Joshua, I would have felt like such an idiot telling people to do something like that, and maybe Joshua did, but he had received a promise from God - so he acted on it.

And as soon as the priests' feet touched the water, the river stopped flowing, and they crossed on dry ground.

So here's the real question - how many miracles am I sitting on the edge of because I won't take the first steps because I might look stupid? How many? One? Three? Five?

I don't know about you, but I know I'd like to witness a miracle or two, and it may just be my own pride keeping me from seeing them.

There are promises I know God has spoken into my life that I feel like I'm just sitting on because I'm too afraid to take the first steps because I haven't seen God step ahead of me first...but what if He's just waiting for me?

What if he's just waiting for me to wade on into the river before He clears the way to the Promised Land?

Let me give you an example...

Recently, I felt very confused about the information I was getting from a couple different directions, and I felt like God was asking me to email my professor about the situation and ask for help.

Yeah, I ignored that. Why would I email someone who knows nothing of me but the assignments I turn in and blast him with my confusion about my life, my mission, and who knows what else?! That's crazy talk!

And yet...I kept hearing the small nudge of the Holy Spirit telling me to do it anyway, and finally, I obeyed.

It was a mess of an email. I barely knew what I was writing; I didn't even know why or what I was asking him for!

His response was such a blessing, though! He met with Josiah and me last Saturday on Skype, giving us a wealth of information, advice, and encouragement that I desperately needed!! (More information about that meeting to come in future blogs).

"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

2 Corinthians 5:7

That's such a simple passage of scripture, one of the first we learn. And yet, it's one of the most difficult to live by, I think...walking by faith.

So today I ask you, what promises are you sitting on the edge of? What has the Spirit moved you to do that you just haven't been able to act on yet because you were waiting for God to move first?

Maybe, just maybe, He's just waiting on you to make the first move.

Be sure to check back in tomorrow for our first "Corinthians 3 Thursday" link up!

An Announcement About Thursday...on Tuesday!

A couple weeks ago a dear friend confided in me that he felt lost. He was working hard in a lot of different areas, but still didn't feel fulfilled and had no idea which direction to go in next. For some reason, this resonated so deeply with me, and I wanted to reach out and help him somehow. Then I figured out why I felt his plight so deeply...

I feel lost, too. Wow - talk about the blind wanting to lead the blind.

Let me define, though, what I mean by lost (from my perspective, not his, of course - I can only speak for myself). As a Christian, I know I am always loved and taken care of, and there is always a plan, even if I don't know what that plan is.

In his book The Circle Maker Mark Batterson talks about a point in his life when he felt like his life resembled an airline joke - the pilot comes on the overhead speaker and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is we're lost; the good news is we're making great time."

My life feels like that a lot of the time ( and you know that because I've written about it...oh...eight billion times). The issue, I've discovered, is that in order to know where you're going, you have to know where you are.

Like Bilbo discovered in the movie The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug when he and the dwarfs are lost in Mirkwood Forest, sometimes you have to stop moving, running around in circles, look up (or in his case climb up) and take an accurate assessment of where you are. Only then can you determine the direction in which you should move.

God reveals His plans to us in many different ways, and He revealed to me yesterday that He'd been smacking me in the face with answers for the past 8 weeks. I was just too buried to see it.

At the end of my last semester at Liberty I took a Christian Life Coaching class. Many of the discussion board assignments for this class were designed to make you think about the material from a personal perspective, but because I was operating in overload, and under some serious time constraints, I kept the material at arm's length and attacked it mainly from a scholastic perspective.

But times, they are a changin'. It's time to get personal.

And of course, I've decided I want to bring you along on the journey! Aren't you excited?!

First, I should probably share a little about what the heck life coaching is...and what it isn't. Actually, we'll start there.

It isn't therapy or counseling. Those deal with the past, this deals with the present and future.

It isn't mentoring. Mentors guide you to be more like them; life coaches want you to be more like you.

It isn't discipleship. Discipleship is purely spiritual in nature, while coaching deals with many different aspects of life, albeit from a Christian perspective (if you're dealing with Christian Coaching).

So what is it? Well, Life Coaching is helping someone become exactly who or where they want to be. It's telling them, but helping them discover through thoughtful questions and guided self-examination.

Christian Coaching, on the other hand, is helping someone become exactly who or where GOD wants them to be. You use the same methods, but instead of just seeking inward, you first seek upward.

If you'd like more information on this, I would strongly advise you to take a look at Christian Coaching by Dr. Gary Collins. It's the main book I'll be using throughout this series of blogs, and it was the main textbook for the course.

And of course, I'm not just writing this because I'm a huge over-sharer...I want you to walk along with me!! Have you been feeling lost? Do you feel like your life should have greater purpose or a more defined direction? Then let's take this journey together!

(Disclaimer: I have taken one Christian Life Coaching class and am going by the book on this one. What this means? I am in no way a certified life coach. This is all amateur, folks. If this sparks a serious interest, I strongly advise you to seek a real life coach to help you on your journey!! But until then, we can have some fun together.)

And you'll never guess what else...this series is going to be my first link up!!! I'm so EXCITED!!!!! Can you tell?

Thus far, I've been very intimidated by the link up process, and I've just kept telling myself, I'll wait to start a link up when I get Seeking the Symphony up and running. But guess what, that's taking a while, and in a recent talk with my Life Coaching professor, which was invaluable (more on that later), I discovered that it's okay that it's okay that it's taking a while. Sometimes, things that need to be done right take time...and I've got to learn to be okay with that.

So, with that, I introduce to you Corinthians 3 Thursdays!!!

Why Corinthians 3, you ask? And which Corinthians: 1 or 2? BOTH

As I was looking for Bible verses on our purpose according to Christ, I found the following verses:

For we are God's co-workers.

You are God's field, God's building.

According to God's grace that was given to me,

as a skilled master builder I have laid a foundation,

and another builds on it,

because no one can lay any other foundation that what has been laid - 

that is, Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 3:8-11

Now the Lord is the Spirit;

and where the Spirit of the Lord is. there is freedom.

We all, with unveiled faces, are reflecting the glory of the Lord

and are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory;

this is from the Lord who is the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Two verses, from both Paul's first and second letters to the Corinthians, and both in the third chapters, beautifully articulate the purpose of this series.

I don't want to find direction and purpose according to my own plans, Instead, by following these steps, I am praying God will reveal HIS divine purpose and plan for my life...at least this next stage of it. We're laying a foundation for Jesus to build on, being transformed by Him.

That is the purpose of this series, and I sincerely hope you'll come along with me!

Now because this is a process, if you decide you want to come along, but you need to skip a week or two here or there, I would strongly advise you to go back to the next step for YOU. This is not a race to purpose, people. We all have our own lives and our own schedules. If you decide you want to link up with your blog and you're "behind," just link up with what you've got. Ain't nobody judging around here.

I think that's enough for today. This Thursday, we'll have our first link up, and we'll talk about values and why it's important not just to have them, but to be able to define them!

I am SO Proud

Today, I have not a lick of schoolwork to do. I'm finished. Tomorrow, I'll participate in the commencement exercises at Liberty University.

It's been a hard road.

In 1996 I graduated from high school in the top 10% of my class and then went on to CNU with one of the first 50 Presidential scholarships President Trible awarded.

I jacked that all up.

When I finally went back to school, it was 2007. I was eight months pregnant with my third child, and instead of going to CNU, I was at Tommy Tech (a.k.a. Thomas Nelson Community College). I got my Associate's Degree in Business in 2010, and I began my journey at Liberty in the fall of 2011.

Seven years.

Between taking time off between degrees and after having Phinehas, going part-time when I was working full-time, and just plain life, it took seven years.

What a huge accomplishment right? I should be SO PROUD!!

Well, I thought so...and then I read Ezra.

"He was a scribe skilled in the Law of Moses....The gracious hand of God was on him, because Ezra had determined in his heart to study the Law of the Lord, obey it, and tech its statutes and ordinances" (Ezra 7:6,10)

I'm telling you, if you read through Ezra, this guy was amazing. The king gave him pretty much anything he wanted and he was like THE expert in God's law. 

This man should be so PROUD!!

But he wasn't. In everything he did, he demonstrated humility, and a willingness to turn it all back to God. He didn't claim to be successful because of all his hard work, his awesome people skills, charm, or intelligence.

He gave all the glory back to God...which is where it belongs anyway.

In the same way, I've come to realize in the last couple weeks that I couldn't have done anything without the Lord's divine grace, guidance, and strength.

This is not my accomplishment folks...it's only the work of God.

And lest you think I'm really this humble, you should know this is a struggle...sorta.

I mean, I have no problem giving God the glory (AMEN), but even in doing that, there's a temptation to be proud in my humility...to want people to see how humble I am.

It's kind of how God made me. I'm a "look at me" kind of girl. The gifts He gave me - writing, speaking, leadership, etc. are all very LOOK AT ME gifts. I've got a crazy big personality and a voice to go along with it. 

And with all that comes a crazy amount of a struggle with pride...both negatively and positively. Most of the time, it's not even a battle with pride because I think I'm great...quite the opposite.

I hate seeing me in the mirror.
I think everyone is looking at how much weight I've gained.
I think everyone dislikes me or thinks I'm annoying.
I worry about what other people think about me all the time.

That, my dear friends, is pride. It's my struggle. The thorn in my side.

I just think about ME way too much.

So today, I'm trying really hard to just give the glory for the achievement I celebrate this weekend over to God. 

Praise Him, folks, not me. If I had been on my own, I would have given up a LONG time ago.

What about you? Do you struggle with pride? Is there an area of your life in which you just think about YOU way too much? 

One's pride will bring him low,
but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.
Proverbs 29:23

Today, as we venture out into the world, let's attempt, as God's people, to think of ourselves less and others more, to turn the glory to God in all things.

I'll go! Send me!

I just finished my Christian Coaching textbook. That might mean nothing...it might mean a lot.

I have no clue.

The last couple years have been awesome, yet very difficult for me. I feel like I've been creeping to the edge of a precipice on my hands and knees....

Actually, scratch that. The previous sentence implies that I can see the precipice...and I can't.

I don't know what's out there. Whatever it is, it's probably more like a mountain than the edge of a cliff, but I can't see it. I don't know where it is or what the terrain will look like when I get there. 

I'm just groping around in the dark, and every now and then, God gives me a little glimpse of something in the moonlight.

Josiah and I went to a Saturday night service last weekend at Freedom Life Church in Hampton. Josiah's friend Freddy Villarreal is the pastor. The service was awesome; the worship was upbeat and authentic, as was the preaching (Never fear MBC friends - we're not going anywhere. It can never hurt to praise God and hear another sermon though, can it?!).

Pastor Freddy's main point during the message was "GO." Just go. If you've been praying about it, it's inline with the gospel and scripture, and God is still laying it on your heart, then it's probably time to just go...keep praying, but go.

For a lot of people his message was probably inspiring. For me, it was kind of frustrating.

I'm a jump in with both feet kind of girl. For the last two years (since getting the call from God, which you can read about here), I have been jumping up and down waiving my arm like a mixture of Hermione and Lecrae...sitting on the very edge of my seat, saying..."Oh, oh, oh!!! I'll go! Send me! I'll go! Send me!Lemme Go!" (For those of my unfortunate friends who are contemporary film or Christian music challenged, Hermione is a character from Harry Potter, and Lecrae is a very awesome Christian rapper and speaker whose song, "Send Me" can be found here).

But I can't go yet...because while I kind of know where I'm supposed to be heading, He keeps giving me SUPER AWESOME things to slow me down. I'm not even being sarcastic there. The things He's given me are wonderful and irreplaceable - like 2 babies on the way in the last two years and homeschooling and finishing my degree - but that stuff will slow your roll, ya know? 

Pregnancy brain is NOT a fallacy people. I'm just looking forward to being able to form sentences without having to play charades because I forgot important words, much less form a nonprofit ministry, design a website, craft a vision, define a mission, and leap buildings in a single bound!!

In all reality, I'm probably not being completely fair to God in my assessment of the information He's given me over the last couple years. After all, after a lot of prayer and deliberation, we were able to discern that it was His will for me to stop working and stay at home (despite the fact that the math didn't work). The decision to homeschool wasn't far behind and was also Spirit-led. Then, Josiah and I both felt like He was pushing us to start a ministry.

I guess that's a lot of movement for a couple years' time, huh? It just FEELS SO SLOOOOOW.

And just now...right this very moment...I found a scripture that convicted me and lifted my spirits simultaneously:

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time;

it hastens to the end—

it will not lie.

If it seems slow, 

 it will surely come; it will not delay."

Habakkuk 2:3

Or how about this one from Psalm 27:14:

"Wait for the Lord;

be strong, and let your heart take courage;

wait for the Lord!"

While I started writing this post with no clear message or intention, God decided to make Himself clear through - shocker - His Word. It seems, for all the studying I've done in the Bible lately, all I really had to do was a 5 second Google search.

Someone remind me of that next time, please.

So, today, if you're anything like me, and you desperately want to move forward, but God seems to have other plans, meditate on these Scriptures (and the MANY others you can find just by googling "What the Bible says about God's timing" - I really do feel kind of idiotic).

God has a plan for your life...and mine. If we're waiting and willing, then He will surely reveal His plan in time...

but you better be ready to GO when He does!! Right Pastor Freddy? 

Broken Silence

It's been more than two months since my last post. I would love to say that I've just been too busy to write, but I just don't think that quite gets to the heart of it. I have been REALLY busy, but...that just doesn't encompass the reality.

I've been silent because I feel like God has been silent. God is always there. He's always with us, but sometimes I think He stands in silence, waiting for us to appreciate His voice...like a drought makes us love the rain.

However, in the last couple weeks, I entered a period of anxiety and conflict, and when I needed Him most, He spoke...so now I'm writing again.

It was really not that big of a deal in retrospect. I let myself get so busy that the house was a pretty big mess, and Josiah was really getting frustrated. However, after a couple of conversations where neither of us communicated well, we both felt bruised, battered, and worse for the wear.

It had another effect on me, though. This domestic failure of mine resulted in a far deeper trauma, which led to one of the worst 3 a.m. sob sessions I've had in quite some time.

I stopped wanting to do everything. I told myself I didn't want to:

host the Art of Marriage event at church,
start a ministry,
be part of any other ministries,
write,
sing,
anything,
nothing.

I didn't want to do anything. I told myself the calling I felt a couple years ago was a lie I made up because it was what I wanted. I told myself any talents I thought God had given me to do His work were imagined. He didn't want me. Why would He?

Oddly, I knew this was Satan whispering in my ear. I knew what I felt wasn't from God, but I felt like I just didn't have the strength to battle the lies. I just couldn't find the will to fight.

But God...

In His infinite wisdom, God has given me some very weak moments to try to fight through within the past few years. I used to spend tons of time trying to fight through them myself, trying to get through on willpower, battling Satan on my own. Only after days of the lies tearing me apart would I finally cry out to God for help, and only then would His peace save me.

But not this time. This time, even though I knew I had no strength to fight, I remembered to turn to the One who does. With the enemy's lies still ringing in my ears, I cried out to God. I told Him I didn't have the strength to fight, and I begged Him to separate the truth from the lies in my head. I begged Him to wrap me in His love, and give me peace.

And He did.

His peace engulfed me like a river and stole my tears away in seconds. And there, where I had been sobbing on my living room floor, I looked up and saw the Art of Marriage kit sitting in my living room, waiting for me to get moving on the planning of this event - an event I know will change and save marriages in our community.

And I started planning. It was 4:30 in the morning at that point, but emails needed to be sent and things needed to be figured out. There was work to be done.

When Josiah got up for work and asked what was wrong, I told Him the lies Satan had been telling me. At that point, while God had settled my heart, I still felt their faint whisper, and I wasn't quite ready to admit they were all lies yet.

Even a couple days later when Josiah was talking about our ministry, I was hesitant. He was trying to tell me it still needed to happen, that He felt God was still pushing us in that direction (albeit slowly), and that I should still write and pursue the plan God had revealed to us, but I just couldn't jump back in.

So God shoved me.

This is my last semester at Liberty, and because I'm getting a Bachelor's in Interdisciplinary Studies (which sort of combines majors from different areas), I have to take an Interdisciplinary class. The purpose of the class is to bring some cohesiveness to the degree and your future, and help you move forward with the cluster of majors you've chosen.

Part of the first few weeks' assignments? Analyzing your strengths and your spiritual gifts. Talking about your future plans. What do you plan to do with your degree?

In one night, I had to write about forming the ministry three times. I had to take a StrengthsQuest Assessment that named my top five strengths, and I had to relate to my professor how I'd seen those work in my life...which was mainly through writing this blog and teaching at church.

When I took Elmer Towns' Spiritual Gifts Assessment, I scored evenly on four gifts: teaching, exhortation, mercy showing, and shepherding. I then had to relate to my professor, again, how I'd seen these gifts work in my life thus far...and again, I had to talk about my blog and some of the ministries I've been involved in. I had to talk about my future.

I didn't want to walk back through the door, but God shoved me through it anyway.

So, while I don't think I'll ever be the most talented writer to grace the internet or written page, I have to admit that God is calling me to write anyway. While I'll never sing as well as others, I'll raise my voice to praise Him anyway. And while other ministries may do a lot more good and have much more worthy founders, eventually (as long as the good Lord wills it), we'll get the ministry off the ground anyway.

I know God is urging me to move forward in a lot of areas, but I also had to acknowledge that He wanted me to pull back in some others. One of the reasons it was so easy for Satan's lies to creep in and take over was because I already felt like a failure.

I had so many things I was trying to juggle, that responsibilities were falling to the ground all over the place, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't keep up with them all. The house was a disaster. I still had A's in my classes, but I wasn't putting forth the effort I should have been. The kids are behind in their class schedules, despite the fact that I started the year early. I wasn't fulfilling my Awana secretary duties properly. I couldn't even remember to drop a couple checks off for the Women's Ministry's trip to Women of Faith. I hadn't done the things I needed to for the Art of Marriage event.

I was just failing.

So, when the issue came up about the house being a mess, the rest of the failures I felt came crashing in around me, and I lay somewhere under the mountains of rubble.

God rescued me, but He also told me I needed to re-prioritize.

So, much to my dismay, I stopped my involvement in the Women's Ministry mid-year.
I resigned as secretary of the Awana Journey club, as well.
I quit the homeschool co-op just before this, so that wasn't an issue.

I streamlined my schedule so I could make room to really put effort into the things I stayed involved in, like being a mom and a wife. I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't do everything and do anything well.

It was a lesson that was very hard-learned, but worth it in the end, I think.

Unless you're struggling with the same thing, I don't really have any overarching lesson here. This isn't a devotional or teaching tool.

Today, the blog is simply dedicated to sharing what I've been going through, to give my sincerest apologies to any I may have let down, and to cleanse my heart so I can move on.

I know this has been long and somewhat disjointed, so if you've made it this far, I'm grateful. Thank you for listening to my heart. <3 p="">