Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HIS Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how the Rebuilding phase of the remodel went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 3: Rebuilding - Josiah Style

“Where there is no guidance, a people falls,

but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety.”

Proverbs 11:14

Unfortunately, I've come to a point of realization when I look at the churches across America, and men in general, and I see few mentors.

I feel like we are watching the decline of Christian leaders and Christianity because of a lack of guidance.

Like with our dance lessons, the only way to be an effective leader is to have followed close enough to someone who is an effective leader and who takes time to invest in you.

Our men's ministry is not non-existent, but as far as I'm aware, there aren't really men reaching out to other men and training them for anything in any capacity. Our church does a fantastic job at children's ministry, but I feel that's where a lot of masculine input and time ceases.

In speaking to one man, I asked him why the men's ministry at our church was stagnant, and would he be involved in it if it existed.

The answer? “It would have to be worth my time. I don't get very much of it, and I don't want it to be wasted.” Not word for word, but that was certainly the message.

A friend of ours, and I chimed in at almost the same time, “Okay, so what WOULD be worth your time?”

I feel like this is a common thread, but more than likely it is NOT the right question. In order to get the right answer, you have to ask the right question sometimes, right?

Perhaps the right question should lie along the lines of “Why on earth don't we care about teaching men on how to be men, fathers, on things of God, on how to not just follow rules but to develop a true love and passion for our God and for our spouses in such a way our childrens' lives will be changed?”

There is a shorter phrase for this statement...

“Why are we content at failing the call of The Great Commission to make disciples?”

I have had people teach me along the way on how to paint, how to write, how to read, how to drive...

I've had input on how to be a Christian, what a man of God looks like, and on how to parent, but I don't feel like I've had a lot of input on what it is to be a Christian leader.

I need it, though.

Not only that, I know other guys need it. And I know a lot aren't getting it.

I can't help but feel like that is why this generation of young people are leaving the church in alarming numbers.

There is a severe lack of men who are willing to lean on other men when they need it, because they don't feel there are other men they CAN lean on.

I firmly believe that a lot of the men who don't feel they have someone to lean on when they need it is because no one has invested the time or the energy in them in order to guide them BEFORE they needed it.

An ounce of prevention IS better than a pound of cure, right?

Our wives are begging us to lead. They need it whether or not they act like they want it, or would even admit that they want it.

I left the marriage retreat weekend KNOWING that if we truly care about the marriages in our church, and we truly care about marriages period, then the focus can't be to try to save marriages so much as it has to be to train and disciple men.

I don't know exactly what this will look like yet, but I've had some walls that have had to come down in this remodel.

I've had to face walls of pride and of excuses. I expect to face other people's walls of pride and excuses as well.

But I will plan, I will move with purpose, and I will persevere.

It's much like going to the gym.

You can say you don't have the time, but you do. You have to make it.

You don't have the time? Put your cell phone down for a minute. Turn the video games off. Turn the TV off.

Your high scores won't make a difference to anyone, or in anyone. Certainly not in 5 years.

You knowing the results of a game, catching up on the latest TV series isn't going to help much either in the long run.

Sure, it may be a conversation entry point, and I'm not saying there shouldn't be any down time.

But instead of finding ways to wind down, we should be focused on ways to train up.

I liked this quote a lot: “Do something wonderful, people may imitate it.” - Albert Schweitzer

I have to break through.

James 1:5-6 says: 

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given him. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting,

for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea

that is driven and tossed by the wind.”

This is my prayer. It may have been James' prayer, and he certainly encouraged others to pray it.

So now it's mine.

I have to be a better leader.

I know no better way to do that than to be a better follower of God.

For my wife. For my kids. For me. For my Church.

For my God.

God isn't done with me, and I'm sure there are more walls to come down.

Alissa's isn't the ONLY life under construction, after all.

I am God's temple for renovation.

Marriage Renovations: Rebuilding HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, I'm talking about how I went through the Rebuilding phase of our marital remodel. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 3: Rebuilding - Alissa Style

 Okay, we've covered the first two steps in the marriage renovation process – Demo and Blueprints – now let's talk about Rebuilding.

If you're renovating your kitchen, you rip out the old kitchen, clean out the rubble, consult the plan, and then you get to start putting all NEW stuff back in – cabinets, appliances, tile – all the things that will make your new space usable each and every day.

That's what this part of our marriage renovations project looks like, too. It's time to take the lessons learned through the Demolition and Blueprints phases and use them to build thought processes and actions we can use in our everyday lives.

It's time to learn how to walk it out.

In MY marriage renovation project, I had just learned that it's in no way Biblical to vent petty frustrations and complaints to my husband, no matter how “respectfully” I may try to do so.

Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved,

put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,

accepting one another and forgiving one another

if anyone has a complaint against another.

Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.

Above all, put on love—the perfect bond of unity.

Colossians 3:12-14

I put some emphasis on some of that, but really, the WHOLE THING is golden. Seriously, read it again. Now again.

Nothing. Not one thing about venting complaints and frustration. Just patience, humility, compassion, and forgiveness.

(I want to insert a note in here: communication in marriage is necessary. I am not advocating a lack of communication in your marriage. PLEASE stay tuned for the Series Wrap-Up for more on this subject!) 

I also remembered this verse at the beginning of the rebuilding phase:

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others.

Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3 (NLT)

I don't normally use the NLT, but in this case, it so beautifully simplifies the meaning of this verse, and let's face it: the concept is so difficult to apply that the the more we can simplify, the better.

These verses are set in direct opposition from one another. So, I had to reword it like this: Instead of being selfish and conceited, I'm supposed to be humble and consider Josiah as being better than me, above me.

I used words from a few different translations there, and women's lib folks everywhere are tearing out their hair and gnashing their teeth because I just set Josiah above me, but guess what? We're supposed to set everyone above us, MOST OF ALL our husbands because they are “our heads.”

Only after you've dealt with this truth and accepted it can you really move on.

Once I realized it, I was totally able to apply it and life became really simple freaked out and basically screamed at God, “how the heck am I supposed to live like that?!”

Like my friend, Lindsay, says, “I'm just keepin' it real.”

Once again, though, God is faithful. He gradually helped me accept it, and then showed me how.

First, He had me write a list of all the things I love about Josiah in my prayer journal. He had brought me to a place where I was REALLY seeing all the fantastic things about Josiah, but I knew that wouldn't last.

Wow...I didn't mean that like it sounded.

I knew, in the heat frustration and anger, those amazing things I love about my husband would be hidden by my minuscule complaints. I needed a list to refer to in those moments, to remind me of all the great things, and put the small things back where they belong.

God also placed the PERFECT metaphor in our paths at exactly the right time: we took dance lessons.

Josiah had purchased a Groupon for dance lessons months before, and just before they expired, he made the first appointment...which fell smack dab in the middle of our rebuilding phase.

It was perfect timing.

Dancing is a beautiful example of how marriage works: he leads and she follows.

Can I tell you a secret? Shhhhhh...I may be a more capable dancer than Josiah.

I don't think that's anything he'd argue with. I love to dance, and it comes pretty naturally. Despite this, however, it's still not my job to lead. That's just the way it goes.

I may get the steps before him, but it's my job to patiently wait while he gets more instruction and to give him praise when he does well and encourage him even when he doesn't.

Sometimes, Josiah would move in a way I didn't expect, the “wrong way.” If I followed him, then we continued to dance, and we eventually got where we needed to be. However, if I didn't follow properly and tried to go my own way, the whole thing would derail and we'd have to start all over.

The analogy is staring us right in the face isn't it? The dance only works when we do our respective jobs, and my job isn't to lead Josiah, but to follow HIS lead and give him encouragement.

It is what it is, ladies: learn it, live it, love it...because God's truth is eternal; it's not changing anytime soon.

We also read through the Felhaun books, For Men Only and For Women Only, together...taking notes on each and passing them back and forth, chapter by chapter. You won't believe how much this aided the rebuilding process.

We were able to express our feelings and get to know more about one another in a safe way, during a time of peace, not conflict. I am inexplicably grateful for the knowledge I gained about Josiah: how he feels about certain things, how he thinks, and how God made him. I think he'd say the same thing, too (but read tomorrow's blog post to find out!).

Now, our renovations for this particular project are complete. Things still get messy at times, but with the project done, it's much easier to clean up. I'm sure God has more renovations planned for our marital future. The “house” is never complete until we leave this world and meet the architect himself.

However, knowing how that process works and that it DOES work is half the battle.

How does your marriage look? How does your life look? Are there places God has been trying to renovate? Have you been resisting the upgrade, afraid of the process? Have you gotten stuck at the demolition stage, sure that it can never look beautiful again?

Go all the way through with the process. Trust God to work in your life in amazing ways, and He will...every time.

Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HIS Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses what the Blueprints phase of the remodel looked like for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way
Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 2: Blueprints - Josiah Style

When we got home from the leadership retreat in Cape Charles, I decided I needed to read the books I had promised Alissa I would probably a year prior, but hadn't finished.

And I did need to. For me.

And I didn't just read them, I studied them.

I didn't grasp what God was doing inside of Alissa, or inside of me, or where He was leading us.

For Men Only (by Jeff Feldhaun) helped me understand some of the things that were going on with my wife that I didn't really grasp like I thought I did.

And the other book (For Women Only by Saunti Feldhaun)? Yep. I needed that one too. And it helped me explain to Alissa some of the emotions I was having when I wasn't really able to explain my feelings very clearly.

My wife is vocal and assertive, but the books helped me put two and two together. In some areas, I may not understand exactly what she's feeling all of the time, but I CAN understand why she feels that way.

A couple weeks later, Alissa and I FINALLY ended up taking dance lessons because it was really cheap and made for a series of very fun dates. And they were really about to expire.

(Note to the guys: DO THIS. There's no reason to be embarrassed. It will only be you two and the instructor. It is an investment in your wife, and you WILL see her radiate with the fact that you thought of her. There are places to purchase these at a very discount rate, so even if you can't afford much, this should be doable. If you need assistance with this, please contact me, and I can point you in the right direction.)

So we went to the first lesson, and I felt like I caught on fairly quickly, but not as quickly as I personally would like. I think as part of my masculinity, I want to walk in and get it all immediately. To get it right the first time.

In everything I do, I want desperately to walk in and find out that this one thing is the one area that I am amazing at without really trying.

You know, just do nothing but wake up in the morning and realize I was a hidden Mozart, Beethoven, or Fred Astaire (in this case)...something.

But that's not realistic, and I couldn't do that because I was learning... and learning how to do something so much more important than how to dance.

I was learning how to lead.

After the second lesson, on the way home, Alissa told me how much more she appreciated it when I led her firmly.

How can I lead my wife firmly in dancing?

Learning. Following someone who knows. Knowing someone who has been there and can give me direction.

1 Timothy 3:1 says “If anyone aspires to be an overseer, he desires a noble work.”

Woohoo! I want to be noble. Better yet I want to be known as noble to my wife, but...

How can I lead my wife and kids at home, every day?

Learning. Following someone who knows.

God.

Luckily, 1 Timothy 3 goes on to give a checklist. I can do checklists.

“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach,

a husband of one wife,

self-controlled, sensible, respectable,

and hospitable and an able teacher.

Not addicted to wine, not a bully but gentle,

not quarrelsome, and not greedy.”

I was looking at this... above reproach? Well. I'm a sinner, so not exactly, but for the most part... sure. A husband of one wife. Check. Self-controlled. Check. Sensible? I think so. Hospitable? Sure. Able teacher?

A mentor?

Is that me? In ways I don't understand at the moment, maybe. Not really.

Not intentionally. Not with purpose.

Do I have a spiritual mentor?

Not really. Maybe some in ways I don't understand at the moment. So maybe, but not really.

Not intentionally. Not with purpose.

In another book I've been studying, that I hadn't read since I was teenager, it talks about how the decisions you make, make you.

I heavily underlined 3 words.

Plan. Purpose. Persevere.

Without a plan on what to do, it's all too easy to not do anything.

Without purposing your plan, and making your moves intentionally, you won't accomplish anything... your plans are just a pipe dream.

Without perseverance through the difficult times – if you give up – then those who would look up to you won't have a reason to.

These are words of a lot of strength, and there are a ton of applications.

In your marriage, in your teaching, in your following, in your studying...

Plan. Purpose. Persevere.

After all, what are blueprints? PLANS.

Marriage Renovations: Blueprints HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, I'm talking about what the Blueprints Phase of the project was like for me. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 2: Blueprints - Alissa Style

 My dad is a construction project manager. Since I was a little girl, I have loved helping him at his office. I would go in and help him “organize” his desk (which probably looked far more like me putting things where he couldn't find them). I played secretary and toyed with the typewriter (yes, I'm old).

When I went to his office, I was always marveled by the drafting table. On it, laid stacks and stacks of drawings that looked like a combination of hieroglyphics and an etch-a-sketch gone wild: blueprints.

The men who sat at those tables poured over layers and layers of the technical drawings. None of them knew the plans as well as the architect, but they could read them. I, on the other hand, could not make heads or tails of them.

Marriage/life renovations are like that.

When you're working on a home renovation project, before you demo stuff, you draw up plans for what needs to be done. You take measurements and consult experts. It takes time and precision.

In life, the blueprints have been drawn for us. God knew each of your days before he put the earth on its axis. He's not surprised by anything that's going on, and as we've already discussed, there is purpose in your suffering.

The Architect of our days knows the plan without even looking at a drawing. We start out, as baby Christians, and like me as a little girl staring at the drafting table, we can be completely oblivious. However, when we learn to trust the Architect, to read His instructions, and to consult Him in all things, we get better at discerning the plan.

With practice and training, you get better at reading the blueprints.

In our most recent marriage renovation project, at first, it was difficult to see through the pain. I was so hurt and demoralized that, for a bit, I lost sight of the Architect. I prayed continuously, though, and He is faithful.

After reading the first chapter of For Women Only, the book for women about men (which he had picked up mistakenly in the dark), Josiah was able to voice the fact that my complaints – about his lack of leadership and his failure to protect me emotionally – made him feel inadequate.

My first reaction? On the outside, I shut down. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful for that because the inside looked something like this:

What?! God, How could he say that?! How could he say that me voicing VERY valid complaints made him feel inadequate? I mean, I guess can understand how he would, but is it MY fault that he feels inadequate, or is it HIS because he hasn't been doing what he's supposed to do? Am I NEVER supposed to voice any complaint?!

Not pretty. And as I voiced those feelings in my head, I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging on me.

It felt sort of like my mind was being ripped in two because those feelings are very acceptable by the world's standards, they are NOT Biblical, and the Holy Spirit will always pray for you in alignment with God because He IS part of God (Romans 8 :27).

I was talking to God and saying one thing, but the Spirit was saying another, and I could feel the dissonance.

So, I decided to consult the Architect about His plans.

I prayed continuously. I started keeping a prayer journal. I dug into God's Word.

The more I dug, the more I realized that my viewpoint was not, in any way, substantiated by Scripture. Yes, we're supposed to correct one another with love, but generally, we're supposed to SEE the good the BE the good.

That's my new motto: see it and be it.

SEE the good:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—

think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8

I don't know if you noticed, but that doesn't say anything about me looking for what needs to be fixed about Josiah. It tells me that INSTEAD of worrying about those things, I'm supposed to go to God WITH GRATITUDE and talk to Him. I'm also supposed to try to concentrate on what is GOOD about Josiah, not those few things at which he may not excel.

Jesus told us to love one another as ourselves, and to treat one another as we would like to be treated.

Do I want Josiah to pick out the things I do wrong in an effort to help me “improve.” OR, do I want him to see the best in me, and appreciate the best in me, despite the areas I may need improvement in?

That's a rhetorical question: I want to be loved for who I am. Duh. So does he.

Now, BE the good:

“...wives,submit yourselves to your own husbands so that,

even if some disobey the Christian message,

they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live

when they observe your pure, reverent lives....

For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God

also beautified themselves in this way,

submitting to their own husbands,

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.

You have become her children when you do what is good

and are not frightened by anything alarming.”

1 Peter 3:1-2, 5-6

Whaaaaat? I'm not supposed to lovingly point out to Josiah where he's going wrong? I'm supposed to win him over without a word when he sees the purity and reverence in my OWN life and in my OWN Christian walk? I'm supposed to beautify myself in the eyes of God by submitting to my husband?

What the what?

I'm actually feigning shock here because I already knew all that. I knew It in my head, but God took this verse and made it a piece of my heart.

I LOVE THAT.

Here's the deal, ladies. Our husbands don't need our loving complaints, a.k.a. nagging. (Yup. I went there).

They need our support because our support makes them feel respected, and when our men know we respect them they can move mountains or build skyscrapers.

At this point, you may be thinking the same thing I was: That's all well and good, but there's NO WAY I can walk that out! How do I even BEGIN to do that?!

With Jesus, sweet sister...only with Jesus, but we'll talk about that more on REBUILDING DAY....

Marriage renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how demo went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Josiah Style

Traditionally, from the male perspective, this is the most wonderful part of any construction job.

The reason?

Tear it up. Break it down. Don't bother being careful. Yeah, there may be some bloody knuckles, some splinters, a nail or two that may have broken skin somewhere...but who cares. You get to see change, and you get to see it quick!

Seriously. Just ask me to pick up a sledgehammer, or jack, or a saw... Something. Please. Just give me something. That, and point at a wall, a floor...name it.

Know what's not as fun?

Self-demo.

I don't feel like this is a feeling that occurred at a specific moment, but there is a moment when it came to a head.

A couple weeks ago Alissa and I had gone on a trip to Cape Charles, Virginia in order to try to spend some time with some other couples in our church and solidify the vision and future of the marriage ministry there.

The weekend was supposed to have been a weekend to build. To design. To build a foundation and a structure that could withstand the winds of any oncoming storm.

God had a similar vision, but not on what we had planned.

First, some walls had to come down.

After a pained morning where Alissa and I had a passionate conversation about the lack of leadership from men in general in the church, why I felt that was, and what in the world to do about it, we made our way back to the house in order to start breakfast.

I tried to breach the subject of how to involve men. Not just in the marriage ministry, but in marriage: to be mentors, to reach out and to teach other men HOW to lead, because I don't feel like discipleship is a strength in American churches today.

My wife made an effort to extend my point further of how we leave men behind because ministry towards men is typically geared only to the stereotypical man.

You know, the sportsman.

For guys into football, golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, camping, etc.

But what about the executives? The musicians? The computer whizzes? The car guys?

This is the point my wife was desperately trying to make, that we had both made on our walk...that men aren't doing a good job and training other men, and we are leaving far too many men behind.

The key word in the prior statement is try. She didn't. She wasn't able to. She was interrupted.

My wife's goal at furthering a point I had made about men desperately needing each other to teach other how to be men was thwarted.

It was mistaken as condescension.

In that moment, two things happened. I was taken by surprise, as was my wife, and my wife broke down.

I did not rise to defend her. I sat idly by, in portion, due to being caught off guard, but also in part because I know my wife is capable of verbally defending herself.

What I didn't recognize at the time was I totally missed my queue.

Has anyone seen my shining armor? I seem to have left it somewhere.

This isn't the first time we really had an issue where she felt (accurately) that I had failed to come to her aid and left her to fend for herself.

The problem is, that really did leave her in a place where she was vulnerable, and it hit her like a brick wall.

Knowing I had failed her, I felt inadequate.

It wasn't a good feeling. It felt more like a demolition derby with me being the constant focus than taking out my frustration on some ill-fated wall.

This highlights the biggest issue I've been facing:

Figuring out how to lead.

If there's one thing I'm usually pretty good at, it's recognizing my shortcomings. Honestly, I don't always handle them in the way I should, but I recognize them. Well, most of them.

I have a lot of them, and usually where I lack, Alissa does a fantastic job of making up for them.

For those of you who know me, I'm usually fairly quiet unless I've got something that's a bit on the sarcastic side that pops into my mind, or if I can make a fairly concise point. I am not one to wax poetic, nor to really say much outside of the lines of what I feel MUST be said.

Maybe my point kind of comes across already because most of you already know my wife, the eager volunteer and social butterfly.

These are two things that I absolutely adore in Alissa, but couldn't be any further who I am.

I HAVE to change, and in order to do that I needed to have a breakthrough.

As God would have it, much like some of the best reasons anyone could hope to face any demolition, it was because it was time to outgrow where I had made my home.

Second, because it was the best possible investment I could possibly make.

Demolition had been done, it was time for the next phase....

Stay tuned!

Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project. (If you missed the intro to the series, you can find it here.)

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Alissa Style

Demo day is Chip Gaines favorite day on one of our favorite shows,  Fixer Upper. I think most guys like to tear stuff up. It starts at a young age, when they build towers just to knock them down.

In marriage renovations, though, demo isn't really fun for anybody. It's messy and hard, and if you're not careful, you can wreck stuff you didn't mean to touch. Here, Josiah and I will tell the story of how the demo went down in our own marriage renovations from each of our perspectives.

Demo day started for me before it did Josiah, I think. In the past year, Josiah and I have started a marriage ministry at our church, with me sort of at the helm, and Josiah as a support. But, as with any new project, there are a lot of lessons to be learned. 

We brought in new leadership to help us restructure and build, but as the process began and continued, I started to feel "beaten up." Over the last year I had done everything I could to build in every way I could, to communicate with as many people as possible, to really reach the marriages in our church.

I tried my best to take each criticism constructively, but more and more I just felt criticized...like everything I had worked so hard to do, everything I had prayerfully and painstakingly undertaken, had been for naught...because I'd done it all wrong.

This came to a climax at a leadership retreat we planned for the ministry. We went to a beautiful, old house in Cape Charles. I had hopes of the team bonding as we got to know one another and really solidifying our mission for the ministry, as well as our individual roles. My hopes didn't last long. 

The male halves of the couples who came are already invested in other ministries within the church, so while they were willing to support their wives in the marriage ministry, they couldn't be on the front lines, so to speak.

I understood, of course. How many times have I talked to people about being overextended? I know what that's like and it's not something God wants of us. But it still sat heavy on my heart.

Our last morning there, after Josiah and I discussed things on a walk, we all discussed the need for more men's discipleship, and then...the misunderstanding occurred. I won't go into the details, but I felt attacked and demeaned...in front of my husband and the whole team I called together. 

I was humiliated.

So, I did what any (girl) person might do when that happens: I cried all over my breakfast. I deflated and sobbed...and then made an impassioned speech. That's kind of how I roll.

If I wasn't doing it right, I begged a man at the table to rise up and take my place. I begged each of them to communicate with the men of our church for me because I, apparently, wasn't doing it right, and I'd gladly step aside to let one of their own do a better job.

I'm nothing if not awkward.

After gathering myself, the talk of men's discipleship continued, and I was grateful, but even after we left, I couldn't shake the feeling of humiliation. I just kept crying.

I cried at lunch on the way home. I cried when we got home. I cried the next day with my friend JoAnn (who went with us to Cape Charles). I cried later in the day, too. I cried just like Alice, until I just knew I'd eventually float away in a river of my own tears.

And then...then I attacked Josiah. I told him I couldn't do marriage ministry anymore. I was tired of leading the way. I was doing the best to climb the hill, but every challenge or attack that rolled down was hitting me square in the face. 

Paul said he could do anything God wanted him to do through Christ who gave him strength. That's true, as long as you're in God's will. However, I had no strength left, with Christ or without, so I could only conclude I was out of His will.

I was ready to let it all go. I was broken and tired. I was demolished.

In the Christian life, demolition looks like “trials.” That's what we have a tendency to call them because that's what the Bible calls them.

Trials, persecution, testing...but it often feels like God is taking a sledgehammer to your heart and to your life. It feels like he's ripping your heart out of your chest, and you just can't see through the wreckage to something beautiful.

James 1:2-4 tells us to:

Consider it great joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Let perseverance finish its work so you may be mature and complete,

not lacking anything.

There are those words again: trials and testing. It's demo, ya'll, and God never does it in our lives for fun. He will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5). He has a purpose for your suffering, and if you'll trust Him, lean on Him, and seek Him, He will build something beautiful in your life.

But that's the next part of the story....

Marriage Renovations : Series Intro

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

Have you ever seen the show Fixer Upper? We love that show.

I have actually considered moving to Plano, Texas just so Chip and Joanna Gaines can find us a FABULOUS deal on a beautiful, old Victorian, and I can walk in with that sucker painted, decorated, and amazing. Done deal.

However, in real life, it's never that simple. Once you choose a house and make that commitment, the investment doesn't just stop. Perpetual maintenance is necessary in order to keep the house in good condition: cleaning, yard work, painting. It's unending.

If you want to improve the property, then sometimes, you need to renovate - NOT for the faint of heart. 

Renovations are often dirty, tricky, difficult projects. The end result is beautiful, but most of the time you just want to give up in the middle. I can't wait for my new kitchen! becomes I don't really need plumbing, right? At some point, people lived without plumbing, with dirt floors. It'll be good for the kids to experience that. 

Nevertheless, if you trudge on and do the job right, the result is quite often breathtaking, completely worth the effort.

Recently, Josiah and I underwent a renovation stage in our marriage. It was dirty, I cried a lot, and most of the time, I just didn't understand the plan, but when it was over...MAN. I love our new "space." 

I am so indescribably grateful for the pain because the new wisdom and peace we have, about one another and just, in general, is priceless. 

Thus, in true Life Under Construction form, we've decided to take you step-by-step through our marriage renovation.

Yes, I said we. 

Josiah has very graciously volunteered to share his perspective of the renovations, as well because, as non-PC as it may be, men are different. They see differently. They feel differently. And that's okay. MORE than okay, actually; it's how God designed us.

So, over the next week, we will be bringing you a blog series on Marriage Renovations: how ours went down, what we learned, and some tips on navigating your own. Each phase (Demolition, Blueprints, and Rebuilding) will have TWO posts...one from me and one from Josiah.

Stay tuned!