When Faith Meets Fat (a.k.a. Dressing Room Drama)

Lamentations 3:21-23

I sat there, in dressing room, the unforgiving fluorescent lights bearing down on my half-clothed body, and I prayed.

Dear God, I just told Emily 15 minutes ago that hating her body was a waste of time and a waste of a gift from You. Help me, God. Help me keep it together so those words won't be lost. Don't let me break down here.

God got me through. I put the unkind, unforgiving pants back on the rack, bought Emily's things, and continued on about the evening. Later that night, though, I laid in bed and talked to Josiah about it. At first it was a calm controlled conversation, and then...

Then the Holy Spirit revealed to me what was really going on inside me, and it came gushing out with hot, condemning tears.

It's just pointless. I was put on my first diet at 7 years old. I have been fighting this battle for 30 years, just about my entire life, and the victories are few and far between. I cannot do this anymore. I'm just a fat person. It's who I am, and there's no use in trying to change it. It doesn't matter if I walk. It doesn't matter if I put the cookie down because tomorrow, or in the next hour, or in the next 5 minutes, I'll just fail again, so what's the point in putting forth the effort/

Apparently, the pants weren't the only things that were "unkind" and "unforgiving." Basically, I was saying losers lose...and I'm a loser.

And that, my friends, is my battle, in a nutshell.

The next morning, though, I poured my heart out to Jesus. I dove into His Word, and He put these scriptures on my heart. This is a picture of what that looks like for me...because it's real and raw and organic. Sometimes, the clean lines of computer font can't quite convey the heart as well as ink on paper.

It's definitely imperfect. Avery scribbled all over the page before I even wrote on it, and I didn't want to waste the page. But I didn't care. It was messy, and it was pure, and it was good.

He knocked at the door of my heart, and I opened it, and He came in to fellowship with me and comfort me (Revelation 3:20).

And His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Oh dear God, thank you for your grace being sufficient. When I am weak, HE is strong, and even though I struggle, He is ready and waiting with grace upon grace. Always enough. Always sufficient.

When Paul was talking about power being perfected in weakness, do you know what he was talking about? The thorn in his flesh. He begged God to take it away, but to ensure Paul stayed humble and constantly seeking His grace, God left the thorn.

Because His grace is sufficient. 

My struggle with my body and food is my thorn. It just is. I can attempt to fight it on my own or just admit defeat (one normally leads to the other), OR I can lean into God for His strength, and rest and revel in His grace when I don't.

If you asked me, generally, if I think I am a hopeless person, I would answer "Of course not! I'm full of hope!" But, in this one thing, I was definitely hopeless.

I had given up hope because I felt like it only brought pain, but that was because I was only hoping in my own strength, and can I tell you? I am not a strong person, not in this area, at least. I am weak.

But God is not.

So, now, I will dare to hope. I will put my trust and hope in Him because He is faithful and His mercies are new each morning. Thank you, God!!

Now friend, it's time for me to ask you, in what area have you given up hope? Where have you depended upon your own strength when you should be leaning on the everlasting arms?

It's almost the end of 2016. We're on the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. Let Him breathe new life, new hope, into those dark corners of your heart.

His mercies are new, and He's waiting for you.

New Year's Ghosts

(I wrote this on New Year's Day, but hadn't taken the time to edit at all. Almost a week later it's done. I considered not posting it, but it's important to me, I think. So here it is - better late than never!)

Last night I got a visit from three ghosts...New Years Past, New Year Present, and New Years Future.

Just like Ebeneezer I didn't get much sleep, but I also began the morning renewed.

The ghost of New Years Past took me back fifteen years. My sweet Destiny was celebrating her very first Christmas and New Year, and we were staying with my parents in Durham, NC. I was a 19 year-old mom trying to escape from a rut.

We then visited ten years ago. It was another first Christmas and New Year, but this time it was little Emily's first. I don't remember what we did or how we celebrated, but I do remember that it was a higher point at the time...and my world was about to plummet and crash. I won't go into detail, but it was a horrible time in my life, a time God used, but a time I wouldn't ever want to relive.

Then we lit upon New Years Eve/Day five years ago: 2008/2009. It was little Ryan's second New Year. My husband and I had reconciled again, but our marriage was over. I had started working full time at Power Mechanical in the accounting department, and my husband and I both knew the kids and I would leave as soon as the tax return was in hand. Once again, I was starting a hard journey, but this one was on my own terms. I was leaving to find me again. I was independent. I was strong.

I was mistaken.

Enter the ghost of New Year present...

• I've discovered that I'm not strong at all. I'm totally weak. I've discovered that finding me just really isn't all that interesting. It's a selfish, self-centered occupation. Blech.

• Instead, I've realized I am weak, but my Savior is strong. I understand that finding me in the world's sense is folly, but discovering who I am in Christ Jesus is a joy and a blessing. I've learned strength through submission.

• I am truly loved by my husband, a man more deserving of my admiration and adoration than I ever thought possible.

• My ex-husband and I have a good working relationship, which frees my children from the bondage of our enmity. 

• Once more, I'm ushering in the New Year with a new baby, and he is a treasure.

• I have two precious girls who have been baptized into the kingdom of Christ, who love God, and look to him for their future; I can't wait for my two beloved boys to join them!

• Josiah and I are on the cusp of starting our great nonprofit ministry adventure (I was designing the logo just this morning!!).

• We don't have much money, but we have a home and it is overflowing with love.

• We are surrounded by friends and family that love us and care for us.

• We are deeply rooted in our church, but more than that (and more importantly), we're deeply rooted in Christ.

We. Are. Blessed.

The ghost of New Years Future didn't have much to say. We meandered through the garden of my hopes and dreams, but I know these things are just mirages. Today is a gift and there's no guarantee of tomorrow. Any future I have is up to God, and I place my life in His capable hands.

So today, while everyone else is making resolutions, I will simply resolve to grow towards God. Of course, I have some things I'd like to work on, but the word "resolution" paints in my mind a picture of "resolve" - someone heading into the fray, head bent in determination, relying on sheer will and strength to get me through.

That person is not me.

Instead, I am a child, looking up at my Heavenly Father, seeking guidance step-by-step, asking Him to help me grow, and loving Him more and more day-by-day.

Happy New Year everyone!