When Ish Gets Heavy

Last week, our family decided it might be a lot of fun to pack a lunch and have a picnic at Buckroe Beach. The new pier has a large picnic shelter, and it's a pretty awesome space.

So, even though babies hadn't had naps, I hadn't showered, and the day just was not going well, we packed like 8 trillion peanut butter and banana sandwiches, chips, apples, and some bottled waters and loaded up the van.

When we arrived, each older kid grabbed a younger sibling, and headed across the field. Since Josiah's back has not been 100% lately, he pushed the youngest in the stroller, and I carried all the food.

To get to the picnic area on the pier, you have to cross a pretty decent sized field, and then, of course, walk the length of the pier itself. It's not a long walk, though, so initially I didn't bat an eye. I just slung the picnic bag across my body, grabbed the bag of bottled waters in one hand and another bag of random goodies in the other.

At first, it felt kind of nice to be carrying all that stuff. Sometimes, when I do things like that, I get an secret sense of pride that my body is capable of carrying heavy loads. It's like it wakes up my inner badass (yes, I said "badass." I couldn't think of another word that carried the same sentiment). I started across the field, back straight, with long, proud strides, rejecting any help offered by the kids. I got this.

Halfway across the field, though, the weight of the strap started to dig in to my shoulder and holding the bags away from my legs made my shoulders and forearms burn. What was an easy load at the outset was getting heavier with every step, and a quick jaunt across a field started to feel like crossing the state.

In that moment, I felt like I heard God say, "This is what it's like to follow My purpose for you carrying baggage you're not supposed to have."

A while back, there was a part of me that I'd come to recognize as extra baggage that I wasn't supposed to be carrying, but it had been with me my whole life. I considered it just "part of who I am." It was damaging, but comfortable, well-worn, and mine.

But when I asked a friend at church to pray for me and told her how I felt, that I just didn't want to let go, she looked at me and said, "Okay, now the next time you go to the gym and get on the treadmill, I want you to strap a ton of chains to your body, and then let's see how you do."

Wise words. (You can read that blog post here).

Here's the catch, like the stuff I was carrying across the field that day, there are some things you're just going to have to carry in life. It's going to get heavy and hard, and you're just going to have to push through, even if you have to stop and rest every now and then to get there. (Or do what I did and go even faster)

But that's all stuff I KNEW I was carrying. This invisible baggage we carry with us has often been handed to us through station or circumstance, and we've carried it so long we don't know it's baggage. Life feels heavy and we trudge through, weighted down, but we can't figure out why or by what. All we know is that it hurts and burns, and we want to go on, but we're Just. So. Tired.

And sometimes, we've identified exactly what needs to be put down, tossed aside, or thrown away, but it just doesn't seem possible. The pain has become part of us. To cast it aside now would be to cast part of ourselves aside, leaving a piece of us behind.

And then again, some of us lay it down, just to pick it back up again. We cast off the chains, claiming fullness and freedom, but pick them right back up again, through coping or custom.

In my life, I can identify the latter two; the former will come with time. Praise God, He accepts us where we are, but won't leave us where He found us. 

My weights are often my "shoulds" (the expectations I or others have put on me that have no business being there), my "ams" (harmful and negative parts of my identity I've long adopted as who I am, but that have no place in my future), and my "am nots" (limits I've placed on myself our of fear and insecurity that don't belong there).

I have been walking with these things for as long as I can remember, letting them slow me down or just gritting my teeth and bearing the pain. But the longer I walk, the heavier they get, and there comes a time when you have to choose: fetters or future, destined or defeated.

The answer is so clear.

Friend, whatever is holding you back and weighing you down, keeping you from the purpose God has for you, I pray you would LAY IT DOWN. Don't wait until tomorrow or Monday or "things get better." Seek God's face and let it go.

Fit, Fat, and the Temple of the Living God

This morning I walked through a weekly ritual. I locked the bedroom door, took a deep breath, exhaled, and stepped onto the bathroom scale.

The number on the scale was right around the same as it has been. No change.

Then, with another deep breath, I went to my dresser and got out my tape measure. I wrapped it around my body in all the different places. With each new wrap I noted the numbers, right around the same as they have been. No change.

I've been doing this dance for more than a month at this stretch, but in reality, it's been a lifelong endeavor - the effort to make this body of mine change into something I can more fully appreciate.

For the last month or so, I have watched my calories carefully, been drinking more water (although still not the gallon I should be drinking every day), and committed myself to being more active.

I tried going low carb/carb cycling, with disastrous results. It didn't make me lose weight, but it did make me an emotional and psychological train wreck. Not everything is for everybody, apparently.

However, carb cycling or no, physical laws dictate that a calorie deficit over a prolonged period of time should lead to weight loss.

Apparently, I'm a law breaker.

Also, for the last 3 years, I've been taking supplements that, typically, aid people in weight management (if that's what their bodies need). They've changed my entire life, helping me through two pregnancies, and giving me back energy and great sleep when I thought I'd never feel great again. But unlike others, I haven't lost weight.

Recently, because of all this difficulty, I started to look into weight loss surgery. I mean, the weight HAS to come off somehow right? The temple of God, the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, can't STAY fat, can it? I can't just stay this way forever...right?

But wait. Why not? What is truly at the heart of my desperation to lose weight and be thinner?

Other people's opinions. 

My "target audience" may have changed some over the years, but it doesn't really change the fact that I'm worried about how my body looks because of how I might be perceived. Now, as I sit on the cusp of some sort of ministry, I fear how those listening will think about my witness.

Will they ignore my words because they think I'm a hypocrite? As I speak about identity, calling, and purpose, will my message get lost because, to the world, my body screams louder "gluttony" and "sloth"?

Maybe, but those are really the wrong questions. They're firmly rooted in pride and selfishness. What if we change it up a bit?

What if, instead, the question is, "If I'm doing everything reasonable to take care of my body, and it still looks this way, is there a possibility God wants it to look this way?"

It almost sounds like an impossibility, given the aversion to fat in our society. Weight loss is practically synonymous with piety, and there are entire ministries (even churches) devoted to the practice.

I'm not knocking those things. Some of them are amazing, Biblically-focused ministries that help people regain a healthy perspective on food and their bodies. I think they're great, but I also think one very important component is missing from the discussion: my body is holy, just the way it is.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters,

in view of God's mercy,

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and pleasing to God-

this is your true and proper worship.

Romans 12:1

I used to read that verse and feel pressure and shame, thinking, in order for my body to be a holy and pleasing sacrifice, it needed to look different; or at least, I needed to be moving in the right direction. It felt like the Holy Spirit had to just be ACHING to live in a body that was thinner and more pleasing to God.

But y'all, that is just crap theology, and let me tell you why.

Before I was saved by the blood of Christ, there was nothing in the world I could do, no matter how "good" I was (or how good I looked) to make my body "holy and pleasing to God." Apart from God, none of it is good enough.

But, as soon as I recognized sacrifice of Christ in my life, my body became holy and pleasing. I was washed clean, and nothing can change that.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,

he is a new creation.

The old has passed away;

behold, the new has come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

I'm doing what I can to be healthy, but even if I wasn't, even if I was stewarding my body poorly, that would be sad, and God might work through the Holy Spirit to convict me and change my path, but my body would still be holy and pleasing to Him because it's covered by the blood of Christ. 

And that is precisely why I present my body as a sacrifice, because He has saved me and made me pure, no matter what. His great forgiveness, grace, and mercy inspire me to make changes because He has made me clean when no amount of my own behavior could do it.

Furthermore, there is no place in the Bible that says God prefers one body type over another. What it DOES say, however, is that God doesn't look at physical appearance, but at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). He says that I have been remarkably and distinctly made, knit together in my mother's womb, that He sees me, knows me, and loves me (which is a whole conglomeration of verses - if you want references, let me know). 

Maybe, just maybe, my body looks just like it should at this moment in time, in His timing and for His purposes. Maybe, "All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28) REALLY means "all things" and my appearance is part of that.

Maybe, just maybe, I can look just like I do, and still be walking in God's will, or even, actively fulfilling a purpose in it.

Maybe, if I finally learn to accept my body in this moment, just as it is, God can use me to inspire someone else to see themselves as God sees them - as fully known, seen, and loved. Then maybe, just maybe, they can inspire someone else, too.

And those "maybes" are enough for me.

Perspective Changes Everything

Were you aware that until the 13th century, artists didn't know anything about how to create true perspective? They just made whatever they thought was important bigger than the other objects in the painting. Sometimes they would put things in the foreground or background, but not in a regular or accurate way. It was always skewed and inaccurate.*

I'm on a journey to become a better me, a healthier me, and as part of that journey, I bought a scale. I hadn't weighed myself since November, and I figured it was high time.

Last night, I put the batteries in the new scale, set it down, stepped on it...and reeled.

The number was NOT what I expected and NOT in a good way. 

Honestly, it was only about 5 lbs. different. However, between my 6 week postpartum appointment (when I was actually lower than my pre-pregnancy weight) and my newfound resolve, my complete abandonment of all things related to reasonable eating had done more harm than I thought. Praise God for great supplements or I'd probably be looking at an even bigger challenge.

I hopped off the scale, looked at Josiah, and grappled. "I will not cry." I said. "This is just a number, just a starting point. I will not cry. I will not let this stupid number defeat me."

And then, I did something that, at some points in my life, would have been emotional suicide: I had Josiah take a couple before pictures of me...in just a sports bra and underwear.

I said a quick prayer for strength and then I looked at them...and do you know what I saw??

A body.

That's all.

A body.

I saw an overweight body and an out of shape body, but just a body. It just didn't have the power it once would have, and for that I am GRATEFUL.

This morning, my Bible reading led me to Romans, and this Scripture popped out at me:

For though they knew God,

they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude.

Instead, their thinking became nonsense,

and their senseless minds were darkened.

Claiming to be wise,

they became fools

and exchanged the glory of the immortal God

for images resembling mortal man,

birds, four-footed animals, and reptiles.

Romans 1:22-23

Most of the time, I think we have a tendency to look at this scripture as a "them" verse. THOSE PEOPLE who don't love God think they're wise, but THEY are just foolish.

Or maybe, we're wise enough to see that it applies to us (because really, the first part of Romans is just there to show us we're ALL jacked up and need Jesus), but we still kind of skim over it.

Because we're not worshiping idols, right? No golden calves for us!

But then, as I looked at the Greek, one word stuck out to me: fools.

It's the word "moraino," and it's pronounced mo-RAH-ee-no...and obviously, it's where we get the word "moron."

Hehe...God called us morons, I thought.

And then I saw the other meaning of the word: to make flat and tasteless, of salt that has lost its strength and flavor.

OUCH. Can you feel that? The sword that is God's word cutting deep into your heart? I know I did.

This verse then BROKE OPEN for me, and it looked something like this:

They know Me, and they say they love Me,but they don't treat Me like they love Me,putting Me in my rightful place,and they certainly aren't grateful for all they've been given. No.Instead, their thoughts are clouded by a bunch of nonsense and are darkened.They have ceased being salt and light.They claim my wisdom, but they act no different than the people around them:hopeless, worrisome, grumbling, and lost.They have stopped seeing me, and instead,see only the idols they've set up for themselves:physical beauty, success, earthly comforts, and self-loathing.

And in that, I see me...or the me that HAS been. I am convicted, but also, set free!! I see how God has been working to change my perspective and I am so incredibly grateful.

There were certain areas of my life I had raised up as idols and certain areas I had just laid down in defeat.

But let me ask you something: can you physically lie down and walk at the same time? 

No. Not possible.

You cannot walk in the victory of Christ and lie down in defeat at the same time. It's just not possible.

How do you see yourself? Are you claiming the identity of a child of the living God, but also consider yourself:

• just a person with no self-control?
• just an alcoholic?
• just a worrywart?
• just an addict?
• just a failure?

You are "just" lying to yourself. You are "just" keeping yourself in chains that Jesus has already unlatched, and you're holding onto them for dear life.

And what does that say to the people around you? Do your words and actions reflect a close walk with Christ or your acceptance of defeat.

It cannot reflect both.

I'm not saying you need to be fake. I'm not saying you won't go through things, HARD things. But might I suggest, if you're constantly stuck in a place of defeat, you've chosen the wrong perspective. 

Like artists before the renaissance, we paint the pictures of our lives with skewed inaccurate perspectives, as though our lives are not enlightened by the light of Christ at all.

Instead of placing ourselves at the feet of God, and seeing only Him - His goodness, love, kindness, grace, mercy, and wisdom - we've placed ourselves on the throne, and we're looking only at the obstacles, discomforts, successes, and failures.

And if that's the case, if that's they place we're operating from, we're no different. We're saved, yes, but our lives are no different. They have no light, and our salt has lost its flavor...and we sit around wondering why the world is falling apart.

The world is no different because WE are no different.

But that's not what I'm claiming today for us, friends. NO.

Because we ARE children of the living God, and we DO have victory through Christ the Son, and we DO have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of us.

And therefore, according to the riches of God's great love and mercy, I declare we will be empowered, not through ourselves, but through the Spirit of God that lives in us. I declare that we who love Christ would place Him on the throne of our hearts, and we would grow our strength in Him. (Ephesians 3:16-17, highly paraphrased).

I pray we choose a godly perspective in that, we trade being our own gods for seeing ourselves and our circumstances through the eyes of the One true God.

Because perspective is truly everything.

*https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/perspective

Metamorphosis

I have a secret for you.

Shhhhhh...come in really close so I can whisper. Closer.

Change is hard.

Actually, that's not a huge revelation, but at least I have your attention.

Change is hard. Anytime you're dealing with change, there's going to be difficulty, but transforming the way we think can be the most trying.

For though we live in the body, 

we do not wage war in an unspiritual way,

since the weapons of our warfare are not worldly,

but are powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds.

We demolish arguments and every high-minded thing

that is raised up against the knowledge of God,

taking every thought captive.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Recently, I wrote about a moment in a dressing room, and the resulting realization that I had given up hope of ever being at a semi-healthy weight. I was depending upon my own strength, forgetting that my God is El Gibbor, the Mighty Warrior. 

If I'll get out of His way, He will fight with me and for me, going before me in battle. In order to do this, though, I'm going to have to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, taking every thought captive.

God's word says our weapons of warfare are spiritual and powerful through God for the demolition of strongholds. I looked up the exact definition of stronghold:

1. a place that has been fortified so as to protect it from attack 

2. a place where a particular word or belief is strongly defended or upheld.

Throughout our lives, Satan and our own sinful natures have created strongholds in our minds: fortresses built with steel beams of intense hurt and the bricks of repetition. These are places where our beliefs about ourselves are strongly defended and upheld.

But if these beliefs are counter to God's word and His will for us, they must come down.

Winning wars is about demolishing strongholds again and again.

But how exactly do we take every thought captive? How do we know if it's against God's will? 

Through the transformation that comes from the renewal of our minds.

Therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,

I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice

 holy and pleasing to God;

this is your spiritual worship.

Do not be conformed to this age,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,

so that you may discern what is the

good, pleasing and perfect will of God.

Romans 12:1-2

These are the verses I think about anytime I think about my body because it talks about presenting our bodies as living sacrifices. However, through study and a lot of prayer, God opened this verse up even more, and printed it in a brand new way on my heart.

I was not only made BY God, I was made FOR God, and for His purposes. He wants me to lay my entire being - my love for food, my imperfections, my abusive mind - down at his feet. He wants me to give it to Him, so He can transform me, so HE can renew my mind and show me His will for me. He wants to demonstrate how, though His great compassion and mercy, He can provide, when I lay myself down as a sacrifice.

In the Greek, the word for transformed is metamorphoo (with a thing over the last o that I don't know how to type). It is where we get the word metamorphosis.

The Greek word for renewing is anakainosis, and it means renovation, a complete change for the better.

Metamorphosis into the women and men God wants us to become can only happen with a complete renovation of our minds - our thoughts, feelings, and desires - so that God's good, pleasing, and perfect desire for our lives can be discerned.

And renovation can't happen without demolition...the strongholds must come down.

A caterpillar has the makings of a butterfly within him in a drastically simplified form. He can eat and eat and eat, and grow and grow and grow. But he can't just change into a butterfly. He doesn't just sprout wings and begin to fly.

He has to be transformed.

Within the chrysalis, his body literally demolishes itself so that the old can be used to give life to the new. All the energy that was once used to sustain the caterpillar is now used to compound what was within all along. Only by doing this can he grow wings, emerge, and take flight.

Metamorphosis.

It's time, my friends. It's time to give it over to God, let him demolish and destroy the bad, so the energy that was formerly used to keep us crawling on the ground can be diverted into developing those things He placed in us so long ago. It's time to sprout wings, and eventually, we will fly.

When Faith Meets Fat (a.k.a. Dressing Room Drama)

Lamentations 3:21-23

I sat there, in dressing room, the unforgiving fluorescent lights bearing down on my half-clothed body, and I prayed.

Dear God, I just told Emily 15 minutes ago that hating her body was a waste of time and a waste of a gift from You. Help me, God. Help me keep it together so those words won't be lost. Don't let me break down here.

God got me through. I put the unkind, unforgiving pants back on the rack, bought Emily's things, and continued on about the evening. Later that night, though, I laid in bed and talked to Josiah about it. At first it was a calm controlled conversation, and then...

Then the Holy Spirit revealed to me what was really going on inside me, and it came gushing out with hot, condemning tears.

It's just pointless. I was put on my first diet at 7 years old. I have been fighting this battle for 30 years, just about my entire life, and the victories are few and far between. I cannot do this anymore. I'm just a fat person. It's who I am, and there's no use in trying to change it. It doesn't matter if I walk. It doesn't matter if I put the cookie down because tomorrow, or in the next hour, or in the next 5 minutes, I'll just fail again, so what's the point in putting forth the effort/

Apparently, the pants weren't the only things that were "unkind" and "unforgiving." Basically, I was saying losers lose...and I'm a loser.

And that, my friends, is my battle, in a nutshell.

The next morning, though, I poured my heart out to Jesus. I dove into His Word, and He put these scriptures on my heart. This is a picture of what that looks like for me...because it's real and raw and organic. Sometimes, the clean lines of computer font can't quite convey the heart as well as ink on paper.

It's definitely imperfect. Avery scribbled all over the page before I even wrote on it, and I didn't want to waste the page. But I didn't care. It was messy, and it was pure, and it was good.

He knocked at the door of my heart, and I opened it, and He came in to fellowship with me and comfort me (Revelation 3:20).

And His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Oh dear God, thank you for your grace being sufficient. When I am weak, HE is strong, and even though I struggle, He is ready and waiting with grace upon grace. Always enough. Always sufficient.

When Paul was talking about power being perfected in weakness, do you know what he was talking about? The thorn in his flesh. He begged God to take it away, but to ensure Paul stayed humble and constantly seeking His grace, God left the thorn.

Because His grace is sufficient. 

My struggle with my body and food is my thorn. It just is. I can attempt to fight it on my own or just admit defeat (one normally leads to the other), OR I can lean into God for His strength, and rest and revel in His grace when I don't.

If you asked me, generally, if I think I am a hopeless person, I would answer "Of course not! I'm full of hope!" But, in this one thing, I was definitely hopeless.

I had given up hope because I felt like it only brought pain, but that was because I was only hoping in my own strength, and can I tell you? I am not a strong person, not in this area, at least. I am weak.

But God is not.

So, now, I will dare to hope. I will put my trust and hope in Him because He is faithful and His mercies are new each morning. Thank you, God!!

Now friend, it's time for me to ask you, in what area have you given up hope? Where have you depended upon your own strength when you should be leaning on the everlasting arms?

It's almost the end of 2016. We're on the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. Let Him breathe new life, new hope, into those dark corners of your heart.

His mercies are new, and He's waiting for you.

You Know Me

Our God is amazing. Did you know that?

He is never too busy to work in the smallest details of our lives!!

On Tuesday, just one week before Christmas Eve, I got to listen to some awesome teaching by Sharon Thomas of Established Footsteps on Jesus as the "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6) (which I posted about here). The next day, a week before Christmas Day, I was almost in tears because I had to get semi-dressed up for an Awana Journey event...

The next day, I was plunged into the swamps of sadness because I had to leave the house to go see my husband for lunch...and my jeans were tight...and I didn't want to be seen in public.

Any of this sound kooky to you? You're not alone. Just writing it makes me feel pretty stupid, but it's something I think is best thrown out there.

Lately, I've been struggling with some depression.

There, I said it. If peace is being fully known and still loved, then you can't have peace if you hide things all the time. So, this is me throwing it out there.

No one but God, Josiah, and my children would ever really know unless I told you myself. To the outside world I try to keep the smile up and continue laughing, but they see the tears and the strife; they see me in the muck.

"Why?" you ask?

Because I've gained weight. Because I'm almost back to my highest weight ever. Because it feels completely pointless to even try to lost weight anymore because I'll just be weak and gain it again. Because my energy is gone and my muscles packed their bags and left, too. Because I hate to look in the mirror. Because I think my husband hates looking at me. Because I feel totally alone in any efforts I take. Because I miss my husband every single day because he lives here, but he's working so hard that most of the time he's not here...even when he is.

Should I go on, or are you getting an accurate portrait of the pity party?

I've been praying about this the whole time. I haven't stopped praying about it.

But can I tell you something?

Sometimes, that peace that passes all understanding, and the guarding of our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7) takes a while. God has perfect timing, and He knows when the absolute best time is for His peace to come to us.

He knew that on Thursday Josiah would urge me to take a walk...just to take the first steps. He knew the sun would be shining and the sky would be clear. He knew I would go to Huntington Beach and drop on my knees in the sand and pour my heart out to Him...

And He knew I would have peace, knowing that my problem was BY FAR not the biggest problem in the world, but He still cares, so I don't have to feel guilty about being on my knees in the sand because I'm fat and I'm tired of the fight.

He knew the sound of the James and the sun on my face, feeling His creation all around me and through me, would pull me out of my own muck and mire, and settle me in His gentle, loving hands.

He knew on my way back I would see the homeless people and be reminded of how truly fortunate I am.

He knew. He knows.

Folks, I wish I could tell you I conquered this. I wish I could stand here in front of you and say, "I licked this depression! I'll never be sad about my weight again!" But unfortunately, that would probably be a lie.

I'm just as human as the next person. And Satan prowls around us like a lion, seeking anyone he can devour (1 Peter 5:8) I try to resist and be firm in the faith, knowing that people all over the world feel the same way I do (5:9), but sometimes I falter.

So, I humble myself before you and under the mighty hand of God, casting all my cares upon Him because I know He cares about me (5:6-7).

Right now, I'm about to go for a walk, knowing it may not make me one pound lighter EVER, but also knowing that it could keep me from gaining another one, and it will make me healthier and make me feel better, and knowing that God wants me to and I will be obedient.

I don't know what you may be struggling with right now. Is it your weight? Your job? Your marriage? Your finances? No matter what it is, please know that He cares, and He will bring you peace, but first, you have to seek Him!!

Seek His face, and eventually, He will bring you peace.


(After my "Got Peace?" post, my sister-in-law Jamie posted this video for me on facebook, and it touched my heart down deeeeeeep. Thank you, Jamie!)

Linking up with:
Time Warp Wife