Calling Her Out

A while back, Alissa (who was pregnant at the time), dropped off our eldest at college for orientation and to meet some friends. We live on a peninsula in Virginia where the only way to get back and forth to her college is to drive through one of a pair of tunnels, both of which are notorious for bad traffic in rush hour.

She sent me a message earlier in the day to alert me that Destiny had to be picked up, not on Saturday as originally thought, but that day, which was a Friday afternoon.

In the summer. Pregnant. Kind of a tourist destination. Traffic. Really bad traffic.

Alissa told me a little while later that she had agreed to let her hang out a bit longer with some of the people she met there, so she could develop some friendships... because in turn, that would mean her college experience in the fall would be much easier. If she already some relationships in place, she wouldn't have to worry about making friends, starting classes, and landing a job all at the same time.

I responded with a really, really short sentence.

“That was gracious of you.”

That triggered a mechanism in her to defend her decision and go into a fairly lengthy line of reasoning.

I kind of had to interrupt her.

“Baby, I wasn't telling you that you were making a bad decision, or that you should do otherwise. I was trying to let you know that I see you acting graciously.”

The response?

"Oh."

She was caught of guard.

There are two very important issues that come to mind here:

1. I don't affirm my wife often enough if she feels she needs to get defensive over me saying I noticed something good. 

2. I must do a lot of complaining if I see her doing something good or gracious towards others, and I get that kind of reaction.

Both of those are problems, and both of those are MY problems.

I read somewhere fairly recently, though I can't remember where, that it's important to catch your kids “in the act” of doing something good. This made me realize that it's also important to do for your spouse, or probably for that matter, anyone who is close to you.

I am not exactly an encourager. I can be, but it's not really who I am. I will notice if you cut your hair. Hopefully, I will say it looks nice, or good on you, and I will smile supportively.

Alissa, on the other hand, is a master encourager. She will notice you cut your hair, tell you it looks gorgeous on you, ask you why you decided to cut it, then identify with your decision and do so with an exclamation of how glad she is that you came to your decision, then reestablish how much she likes it, and that she would've done the same thing if she were you. You can walk in a room with a new dress, new haircut, new shoes, coat, glasses, and my wife will become your instant cheerleader.

I get it. I'm happy you got your hair cut. If it looks good, I'll tell you. I can smile and nod and give a gold star as good as anyone, but my wife has a gift.

If anyone speaks, it should be as one who speaks God’s words;

if anyone serves, it should be from the strength God provides,

so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything.

To Him belong the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen. 

1 Peter 4:11

Let me bring this back around to picking Destiny up in traffic...

What became obvious to me in that moment is, spiritually, I must either not notice gifts or growth, or I still kind of react the same way I would about a haircut: with a knowing smile, good job, looks good, and move on.

That's not who I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to call my wife out on her spiritual advances, decisions, and strengths. I'm supposed to be there to sharpen her, to encourage her, to be her spiritual ally and cheerleader, but most often, apparently, I either ignore or condemn.

Where did I go wrong?

Part of that answer is being too busy. Part of that is paying enough attention to say I'm paying attention, but not really investing.

The tongue has the power of life and death,

and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

If I'm not building my wife up, I am destroying her.

I think in a more peaceful, placid way she has tried to tell me that before.

I don't want Alissa to feel as though I'm her accuser. I'm not. I don't want that job, nor do I want the job description. I want her to know I care about her and love her, spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

But I can't do that if I'm only pointing out “growth areas,” and not patting her on the back when she gets it right, and I pray God will open my heart and help me grow in my encouragement of her and of others.

The point of all this: what we say matters...and so does what we DON'T say.

Give someone encouragement today.

Speak life, give grace, love well.

But encourage each other daily,

while it is still called today,

so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception.

Hebrews 3:13

Quick and Dirty: Are you a GOOD Christian?

(For those of you who are unfamiliar, a "Quick and Dirty" blog post here at Life Under Construction, is written on the fly with very little editing. Every now and then, it's just gotta get done.)

Every now and then, circumstances line up that give you an epiphany. 

This week, people everywhere have been talking about the Syrian refugee crisis, and more than once I've seen someone say, "I don't you telling me I'm a BAD Christian because...." A bad Christian.

Let's face it, no one wants to be a "bad Christian." We all want to be "good Christians," right?

I've also been reading Victory over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson lately (which I wrote about here) about really KNOWING what your identity is in Christ.

Now, these two things would have coincided without me noticing, BUT THEN...

Yesterday, I was thinking about a situation. It's one where I was trying to FEEL differently because I was trying to FEEL the way I know a "GOOD" Christian should. But I couldn't...

So...I said, "that must mean I'm a bad Christian."

And that's when it hit me...there's no such thing. There's NO SUCH THING as a "good" or "bad" Christian. That's exactly what Mr. Anderson has been expressing in the chapter I was reading, it just took me a while to figure it out.

Christ died to save EVERYONE. If you've claimed Jesus Christ as your Savior, you're a Christian.

For God so loved the world,

that He gave His only begotten son

that whoever should believe in Him

shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

If you've put your faith in Christ, then you're a Christian.

I know what you might be thinking: Um...Alissa...there are bad Christians and good Christians. I've seen them. The man who's a deacon and studies his Bible all the time, that's a good Christian. The girl who's partying it up on Friday and Saturday and sitting her butt down in the church pew on Sunday, that's a bad Christian.

I know you might think that because that girl, the latter example, that was me for a while.

I've even thought to myself, I'm so different now...what if I was never even saved.

But that doesn't seem to make sense either. I've felt Jesus with me for as long as I can remember. I have him my heart long ago. Why, then, did I behave so foolishly at different points?

Because I didn't understand my IDENTITY in Christ. I didn't know WHO I was. I didn't realize my value.

I still don't...not all the way, anyway. 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;

old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.

2 Corinthians 5:17

There's no middle ground. You're new or you're not.

So what happens?

Think about these 2 scenarios:

1. You have a benefactor that sends you money each month and takes care of your needs. You may know his name or a little about him, but that's about it. You just know the check comes every month.
2. You have a Dad. You love Him. He loves you. There's a relationship there. He would die for you; you know it, and you'd do anything for him.

In which scenario are you more secure? The money could always stop coming in the first, right? What if you fall out of grace?

See, Satan wants us to THINK that can happen to us. He wants us to think we're just one mistake away from too many. 

But that doesn't happen. He's our Heavenly Father, full of love and grace for His children.

Somewhere (and I don't have time to look it up at the moment) it says that the blood of Jesus has washed us clean. If you're a Christian, you now stand in front of God spotless and pure, no matter what you've done (Romans 3 maybe?).

I didn't get that. Every time I made a bad choice (and it was frequently because I wasn't looking to God for guidance). I hid my face in shame. I wasn't worthy.

The tricky part is, the more I hid my face in shame, the dirtier I felt, the worse my decisions got. 

I've said before that meeting Josiah and his family changed this for me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on HOW. Now, I know...they started to show me that my identity was in WHO I am, not what I had done.

When I understood that, I was able to look God full in the face, to begin to feel His grace. To understand that, no matter what, He wanted me to open myself up to Him...and He wanted me to get to know Him.

Anderson says it's being able to differentiate relationship from fellowship. You will always be your father's child. You can go to Timbuktu or Kalamazoo, and that won't change. Ever.

However, there can be a break of fellowship between you and your father. If you defy him, resist him, or run away from him, the relationship doesn't change (he's still your father), but things aren't right between you.

God is the perfect father. He's ALWAYS waiting for the prodigal to return, ALWAYS waiting for the stray sheep, ALWAYS seeking a return to fellowship with you.

You just have to be soft-hearted enough to receive Him.

So, if you're ever wondering if you're a good Christian or a bad Christian, wonder no more: there's no such thing.

You're just the same as the deacon with the Bible AND the girl doing the walk of shame on Sunday. 

Positionally, we're all the same.

But I URGE you to seek true fellowship with our Father. Walk with Him. Spend time with Him. Learn from Him. 

There's nothing like it.

Marriage, Matt Walsh, and My Take on Things

I'm finally caving. I'm jumping on the bandwagon with like 8 million other bloggers...

I'm re-posting about a Matt Walsh blog post.

I've avoided it up to this point. He's a pretty big name in blogging. He doesn't need my puny publicity. Furthermore, a lot of the time, while I agree with his general stance, I feel his angry, acerbic rants on the ills of society are a poor representation of the love that's supposed to reside in the Christian heart...and then came yesterday's post.

(That link should open in a new window. I'll let you take a few minutes to read it, and then you just come right back here and we'll discuss. *twiddles thumbs*)

Okay, so you read it right? Wasn't that a gorgeous tribute to his wife? Did you read any of the comments? There were some people that were angry. Of course, there normally are angry people associated with Mr. Walsh's blogs, but this just struck such a chord with me.

So many people lashed out at him saying he didn't know what the future would hold and then gave their own personal (or secondhand) stories of mangled marriages and broken bonds, the hurt and bitterness so overwhelming.

Oh dear Jesus, we are a broken world.

We seem to be a society that is incapable of looking past our own personal situations to grasp a picture of overall truth. So sensitive we've become to what others think or say, so easily offended, that we'll lash out an anyone who dares to tell us we may be wrong.

At one point in his post, Matt Walsh said:

If we feel ourselves drift, we reach out our hands and grasp tightly, because I choose to remain at her side, and she at mine. And if I ever look over to find that we’ve somehow lost sight of each other — both now walking alone and lost in that cold night — I will grab a torch and search for her until I find her again. She is my mission, my life’s work, and I’d sooner give up my life than give up on her.

That is an eloquent statement of conviction and dedication. It reflects the biblical viewpoint that marriage is a holy covenant.

Then the man said,

"This at last is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman,

because she was taken out of Man."

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother

and cleave to his wife, 

and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:23-24 (emphasis added)

The definition of the word "cleave" (when followed by "to," according to dictionary.com), is to adhere closely, stick, cling, or remain faithful. It isn't used in a casual manner; instead, its usage denotes hanging on for dear life. There is almost a primal desperation associated with "cleave."

And it that sort of energy and commitment with which which we are to cling to our spouses.

But alas, the drift Matt speaks of is the natural course of things. In their book Staying Close, Dennis and Barbara Rainey (founders of FamilyLife) say:

Unless you lovingly and energetically nurture  and maintain your marriage, you will begin to drift apart from your mate. You'll live together, but you will live alone....The good news is that isolation can be defeated. Its disease can be cured if you are willing to make the right choices and then put the necessary effort into building oneness.

 Did you catch the key words there? Choice. Effort.

Marriage is about choices. Each day we make a choice: we choose to put in the effort to grow closer to our spouses, to love and offer grace, or we choose to drift farther apart.

Think about it like this. When you go to the beach, you put your stuff in the sand and wade out into the water. You talk. You relax. You swim. You play in the waves.

If you're not thinking about making a conscious effort to stay in alignment with your possessions, to keep them nearby and in sight, you'll drift father and father away. If you take your eyes away for long enough, you'll eventually lose sight completely.

It takes a conscious effort to stay close.

But what if you don't? What if you lose sight of your things? Do you give them up? Abandon them?

HECK NO! 

Come on people. You know full-well you need your car keys to get home, and hell would turn into an icy wonderland before you'd let your cell phone go without a fight. 

That's marriage, my friends. 

Staying together takes effort. At all times we are either growing closer to our spouses or farther apart. It is only effort and intentionality - a daily choice - that keeps us from losing hold of the perfect gifts God has given us. 

I don't say these things from a place of condemnation, but from a place of experience. I was married once before Josiah, and he was married once before me. We both know the agony of divorce. We know who you choose to marry is of infinite importance, and while we are very aware that God hates divorce, both of us are sure that He has forgiven us and blessed us despite our failures. We have learned from our mistakes, and would be remiss if we didn't share those lessons with others.

I think that's why Josiah and I feel so strongly about The Art of Marriage event we're hosting this month and about the ministry we're starting together, which is aimed at healing the body of Christ, starting in the home (the quote from Dennis and Barbara Rainey came directly from The Art of Marriage resources, by the way). We are acutely aware that harmony cannot consists within the body of Christ when the relationships that are supposed to mirror our relationship with him - marriage - lies in ruins. 

And even having been through a divorce, having witnessed the wreckage of our broken home and of other marriages all around me, I can say the following with conviction in every fiber of my being:

Josiah Coburn, there is nothing you can do, nowhere you can go, where I won't love you and fight for you. You're stuck with me for life, til death do us part. Don't believe me? Just try and get rid of me. But because you're stuck with me, I'll also fight every day to make ours a happy home: to give to you the grace I've been given by our loving and merciful Father in heaven; to give you far more smiles than frowns; to treat you every day like I adore you because the truth is, I REALLY do. Forever and ever. Amen. 

Today, if you're married, rededicate yourself to your spouse. Make every effort to stop the drift and connect. But most importantly, whether you're married or not, commit yourself to Christ. We are sinful, selfish creatures, and it is only through him that we can truly become the spouses, or heck - the people- we desperately want and need to be.

Photo credit: Amanda Truth Photography