Releasing the Devil's Snare

I sat on the bench, cloaked in despair, while he stared at me, helpless to change it. My lips began to tremble and hot tears streamed down my face. He grabbed me and held me close. “No, no, no. Don’t do that,” he whispered. “Don’t go there again. Come back to me.”

All day long, I’d battled. I’d prayed, read the Word, and had Josiah pray over me. And yet, despite my best efforts, I vacillated between somewhat functional and barely breathing.

I don’t typically struggle a lot with depression (or at least, I don’t feel like I do). Lately, though, I feel covered in it. I pray and fight, but it’s sticky like tar, and at times, the more I fight, the more stuck and hopeless I feel.

We tell people to declare truth over their lives, to "praise through," but y'all, I declared truth backwards, forwards, and upside down. My mind knew the truth, but I couldn't make my heart believe it! 

Like Ron Weasly in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, I've been stuck fast in the Devil’s Snare, and the more I wiggle and squirm, the tighter the trap winds around me - constricted, breathless. I know I should just be still, rest, but the tighter they get, the more I panic and strain.

This day in particular, as my husband held me on a bench in Yorktown, was one of the worst. I gathered myself enough to allow him to lead me back to the van; he never let go.

He drove us down Colonial Parkway in silence. I wanted to talk - to say something, anything - but I couldn’t make words travel from my head to my mouth. As we drove down the parkway, I looked at the water and briefly thought about Naaman in the Bible washing himself seven times in the Jordan to be healed of leprosy (2 Kings 5).

I didn’t tell Josiah about it, though. I was trapped in my own head.

Then, a few minutes later, he pulled over to one of the small beach areas there on the parkway. I wasn’t thinking about Namaan then, but I knew I desperately needed to get to sand and water. I desperately needed to connect with the elements - to feel them, to feel alive.

I flew to the riverside, tossed my shoes aside, and wiggled my toes in the wet sand, the water lapping at my feet. Josiah wrapped his arms around me, my constant comforter. I whirled around and asked him, “Are we going anywhere after this?”

“Do you want to?!” he queried, sounding hopeful...probably just because I’d uttered normal words.

I paused, turned toward the water, and trudged in fully-clothed. I entered up to my knees, and then dipped my hands in the small, rippling waves. In my heart, I heard the familiar Psalm:

How happy is the man

who does not follow the advice of the wicked

or take the path of sinners

or join a group of mockers!

Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction,

and he meditates on it day and night.

He is like a tree planted beside streams of water

that bears its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3

I wanted to be a tree planted firmly by the water. I wanted to stop withering.

I turned toward Josiah and felt my lips stretch across my teeth, bearing a true, genuine smile for the first time all day. It felt freaking awesome.

Then, God reminded me of Namaan.

I waded back to Josiah, knowing I hadn’t been obedient yet, but it just felt so flipping foolish. I wanted to be like a tree planted by the water, but I did not want to follow His instructions. I remembered Naaman didn’t want to either.

I mentioned my idea to Josiah, and he urged me on. I stomped back into the river, a little more resistant this time, a little more defiant. “Do I have to go all the way under?! I just did my hair!”

He grinned and said, “If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.” Ugh.

I wrestled with the best way to “dip” myself in knee-deep water, and finally just plopped by butt on the river bottom and tossed myself backwards. The water washed over me, and I could see the light shining through the water, even behind my closed eyelids.

Just like Namaan, seven times I threw myself backwards into the river. The very last time, I let the water carry me for a moment, floating, wanting to soak in every bit of healing I could get.

I emerged feeling whole and healed, laughing. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t for quite a while. The water washed away the sticky veil of darkness, allowing the light to shine through, like it healed Naamon’s leprosy: not because of the water itself, but because of the obedience it required to follow the orders through to completion.

Joshua marched his troops around Jericho once a day for six days and seven times on the seventh.

Elijah prayed for rain seven times, until after the seventh his servant saw a cloud forming in the distance.

Elisha told Naaman to dip seven times in the Jordan River to get healed. He didn’t like it. He was angry, but he did it anyway.

And so did I. Devil’s snare hates the light.

Friend, if you are facing darkness, if the enemy is lying to you, whispering in your ear that you are alone, lifeless, worthless, you need to know you are not alone, you are of infinite worth, and there is so much life in front of you. I’ve been right there with you. I’ve felt the overwhelming fatigue of battle, but you are worth fighting for - and Jesus knew you were worth dying for. Do not give up.

“So I say to you, keep asking, and it will be given to you.

Keep searching, and you will find.

Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives,

and the one who searches finds,

and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Luke 11:9-10

Keep knocking at the door. Keep seeking Christ. Keep searching for His truth. And goodness knows, if he asks you to do something, no matter how silly or scary, DO IT.

There is no breakthrough without a breaking: a breaking of will, defiance, and self-reliance. Keep working to break through that wall of darkness to find the light on the other side because, I assure you, no matter the seemingly endless abyss of night, daybreak MUST come eventually.

You WILL see the light. A harvest of life and righteousness is coming, if only you will persevere and not give up!

Your eye is the lamp of the body.

When your eye is good, your whole body is also full of light.

But when it is bad, your body is also full of darkness.

Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.

If, therefore, your whole body is full of light,

with no part of it in darkness,

it will be entirely illuminated

as when a lamp shines its light on you.”

Luke 11:34-36

The Fight for Rest

There I lay, face-down on the kitchen floor, tears and snot flowing like Niagara Falls, thinking two thoughts almost simultaneously: "How am I here again," and "I am so glad I mopped the kitchen floor."

It started as most of these moments do for me: a mix of desperation, defiance, and a little disobedience thrown in for good measure.

Lately, I've felt like I've had a very hard time hearing God's voice. Sometimes, I'll pray and seek and read and listen and ask..and nothing. Silence.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4 a.m. to spend time with God, but it was the saltiest date with the Divine EVER. I came to the "table" disgruntled. I tried to praise through, worship and ignore it, but my heart was not having it, and you can't lie to God. I felt like a child: If you're hard-hearted, and you know it, stomp your feet. *stomp, stomp*

Then the kids woke up. "No more time for me!" Disgruntled. Josiah and Emily went to church to serve (we attended as a family the night before). "He gets to go to church again for pre-service prayer. No alone time for me!" Disgruntled. The kids piled on top of me, everyone claiming personal real estate on my lap. "No personal space for me!" Disgruntled.

I sat on the couch with my children piled on me, defiantly scrolling Facebook, desperately hoping to escape. And that's when I knew...it's my own disobedience keeping me from hearing God's voice. I've been hard-hearted. 

I just wrote recently about a time in late October, when Josiah told me he felt like I didn't want to be here; I was subconsciously trying to escape my first ministry, my family, while simultaneously seeking an outside ministry (read about that here). Suddenly, I knew I was heading back in that direction.

My word for the year is "Rest," and this has been the theme verse: 

For the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said:

"You will be delivered by returning and resting;

your strength will lie in quiet confidence.

But you are not willing."

Isaiah 30:15

That last sentence gets me ever, single time. But Isaiah goes on.

You will say, "No!

We will escape on horses"-

therefore you will escape!-

and, "We will ride on fast horses"-

but those who pursue you will be faster.

Isaiah 30:16

When I'm frustrated and overwhelmed, instead of seeking rest in my God, I've turned again to seeking escape in my phone. Like any other addict falling off the wagon, it starts with just a little taste and quickly takes over. I think I'm faster, smarter, bigger than the habit, but it overtakes me. Sound familiar?

I love these people of mine with all my heart, but sometimes I wonder, "Should it really be this hard?" Ya'll, I begged God for this stay-at-home mom life. I pleaded with Him to make it possible. But now, here in the thick of things, it's far too often overwhelming. I feel like I should be satisfied and content, but my heart yearns for other things...and so I scroll.

Your thing may not be scrolling, but I'm willing to bet you have a coping mechanism, too - the thing you turn to instead of God, the thing you make excuses for, because after all, life is just so hard.

 Coffee, wine, sugar, drugs, approval, yoga, workouts - pick a vice, any vice. None of them are inherently bad (indeed, some of them are freaking awesome), but if we're turning to them instead of God, there's a problem. We think we're the ones in control of the escape, but really, "those who pursue" us are faster; we are overtaken.

But God...the answer is always, "But God...." It was the answer for the Israelites, and it's the answer today.

Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy,

and is rising up to show you compassion,

for the Lord is a just God.

All who wait patiently for Him are happy.

Isaiah 30:18

He is so good.

When I realized where I'd gone wrong, with tears in my eyes, and a heavy heart, I put down the phone, kissed the kids, took them off my lap, and got up from the couch. I told myself I was going to recommit to trying to serve my family joyfully. I went to the kitchen to clean up, turned on Even When it Hurts by Hillsong United, and picked up a sponge.

The song flowed from Youtube straight into my soul, and right around the second verse - "Take this mountain weight, take these ocean tears, hold me through the trial, come like hope again" - my heart broke and, first my knees, then my hands, and finally my face, hit the floor.

"Why God? Why am I here again? This should be easier! I love my people. There should be more joy! I've been through this before. I should be past this by now!"

And there, quietly, with my whole body stretched across my kitchen floor, God spoke. "First, that's a lot of 'shoulds," my love, and those don't belong there. Second, you're confusing happiness and joy. Happiness comes quickly and easily in the moment. Joy you have to fight for - and the fight is a fight for rest in Me."

True rest in God is not highly valued in our society, but coping mechanisms are. It takes some intentionality and a whole lotta the Holy Ghost to turn away from what the world says will fix our problems and turn our hearts to only One who heals. It's not popular, but if you're looking for peace and direction, it's vital.

This was the answer for the Israelites:

The Lord will give you meager bread and water during your oppression,

but your Teacher will not hide himself any longer.

Your eyes will see your teacher, 

and whenever you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear this command behind you,

"This is the way. Walk in it."

Isaiah 30:20-21

When I finally laid down my will and my own failing strength, gave up trying to have it together, and even physically gave up trying to stand, there was my God waiting to teach me, comfort me, and tell me which way to go. 

Friend, I don't know what you're struggling with today or what you might wrestle with tomorrow. What I do know, though, is that if you're not in a struggle today you soon will be; this life in a fallen world is rarely smooth-sailing for long. But today, tomorrow, next week, or next year - whenever you get caught up in the shoulds and life just feels far more difficult than you think you can bear - I hope my moment comes to mind, and it reminds you of the promises of God.

Turn away from the things of this world, the band-aid solutions for an open heart surgery need, and turn toward the only One that can heal, the only One who can truly help.

I have told you these things so that

in Me you will have peace.

You will have suffering in this world.

Be courageous! I have conquered the world.

John 16:33

Give Me A Break...Or Not

Yesterday was a rough day. The busyness of the past couple weeks came back to haunt me as I tried desperately to get all my assignments done.

I don't really remember the kids going to bed last night, and at some point Josiah disappeared, too. I finished my assignments around 9:30, and then wrote a blog that I finished posting and linking around 10:30. By that time, I was way too awake to try to go to sleep, so I spent some time online trying to decompress for about an hour. I still didn't sleep well, though. Sometimes, if my brain is engaged for too long, there's just no shutting it off, unfortunately.

Then, this morning, long after Josiah had already left for work, he sent me a text asking how I slept. I told him, "not well at all," and asked how he slept. His response:

"Okay. Why'd you wait so long to come to bed?"

Awww, I thought to myself, he missed me.

I explained to him what I just explained above, that I was trying to decompress for a bit. I thought he'd get that, and maybe he did, but I could still tell he was irritated with me.

And then, I started to get irritated.

He escapes every now and then. He'll retreat to the room and play his guitar or work on his music. Why don't I get a break?

I spent all day homeschooling, making purchases for projects, helping with a government lapbook, putting together dinner, leading devotions, and getting my assignments done...all with four kids asking questions and making noise. Don't I deserve a break, too?!

Then...as always...conviction.

My husband didn't want me to come to bed to get in the way of my break...he wanted to BE my break.

And then I saw him in my head:

His tired eyes last night as he waited for me to get done with my assignments;

His sweet face when he brought me home the Diet Dr. Pepper and dark chocolate because he knew I'd be stressed;

His willingness to get the kids in bed and take care of things last night so I could do what I needed to do.

This man LOVES me. He CARES about me. He WANTS me. And here I am whining about it.

So, now this is me, sitting down at the table and pouring a steaming cup of conviction for myself, heaped with a healthy dose of repentance.

How about you? Care to sit with me? If you'll share this cup with me, I think you'll find that, often, the little things that annoy you most about your husband can be turned into something positive...something that initially you loved and cherished in him.

Does he spend too much time watching sports? Perhaps you were initially drawn to his manly, competitive side.

Does he forget to pick up his socks or leave a mess in the sink? Perhaps you were initially drawn to his laid-back nature.

Does he fail to plan and change plans often? Perhaps you were initially drawn to his spunk and spontaneity.

Does he have a hard time being serious, often saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? Perhaps you were initially drawn to his sense of humor.

No matter what the "little thing" is, it can probably be traced back to something you loved and cherished about him in the beginning. I urge you today to take those things that irritate you, and find the good in them.

We should seek the good in others, just as we want them to always seek the good in us, looking over our flaws. "Do to others as you would have them do to you....Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful" (Luke 6: 31,36, NIV).

So tonight, just after the kids go to bed, know where I'll be? In that bed, waiting for my wonderful, loving, caring husband because I've got some making up to do...

and maybe, just maybe, you do too.

Linking up with:

Make Like a Tree And....

So today, I'm participating in Lisa-Jo Baker's Five-Minute Friday, where you're supposed to write for 5 minutes straight on one word, no worrying about editing or anything else.  Today's word: Tree.

What the heck?! Tree?

Tree isn't what I want to write about. How about how it's 4:30 in the morning and my butt is up looking for 5 minute Friday because once I'm awake I can't shut my brain off?  How about that?

How about the fact that I can't stop thinking that maybe I'm doing the wrong thing or have misinterpreted God's plan for my life or that people are starting to think my blog is boring or self-important? Or about how I feel like I need more of a schedule for my life but I don't even know how to go about doing that because I do things like wake up at 4:30 in the morning to write?

How about THAT Ms. Baker with your "tree"?

*sigh*

But then I take a minute to actually THINK about trees...and what I love most about them...their brilliance in the fall (yeah, yeah they give us oxygen, too, and that's nice, but not as pretty...I like pretty colors - don't judge me).

And ya know what I love.  In the fall, they're getting ready to REST for the winter.

Trees rest..they are still and reserve their energy and REST.

Perhaps I needed to write about trees after all.