My Heart's Report Card

I could feel the sadness creeping in. It was heavy and thick, like Mississippi mud, and I tried to swallow it down, but it rose up, a knot in my stomach that threatened to crawl through my chest and escape as a ragged sob.

Sometimes, you just don't want to lose it in public...but sometimes you do anyway.

This weekend at church, we continued our "Rooted" series. First, we talked about being rooted in the word, and then in our relationship with God. Last week we talked about being rooted firmly in relationships with other believers, and this week, we talked about being rooted in our purpose.

It didn't really affect me until then end...until the worship team was singing about moving forward and Pastor Freddy prayed about clarity of vision. That's when the knot started forming.

Five years ago, I received a calling from God (and you can read about that here). He didn't ask me to do anything specific at the time. He just told me He was calling me.

I know it was real. I know He's calling me. I know He wants something very big from me.

But I still have no clear vision of what that is...and somewhere, deep in me, that weighs so heavily.

I remembered feeling like that another time at FLC, just over three years ago, when we visited on a Saturday night on a whim.

I was pregnant with Avery at the time, and Pastor Freddy was preaching on GOING: praying hard for God's will, but MOVING. I wrote a blog post about it because, even then, I felt the indescribable urge to move forward, but felt the hand of God holding me back until the time was right.

And once again, last night, there I sat on the front row, tears streaming down my face because I'm so ready for my vision.

Or am I?

Cognitively, I'm very aware that I'm NOT ready. I have six children. Five of them are still in our home, three of them are ages four and under, and we have yet another baby on the way. Taking care of them is most important right now, and I know I'm not ready for any huge responsibilities beyond that. Raising them is part of my preparation process.

Furthermore, I know that, should God give me more of His vision, I wouldn't wait for His timing. I like to jump in with both feet, and I would jump straight into the wrong thing. It's almost certain.

I think that's what made the overwhelming sadness so difficult to contend with: I felt like there was no reason for it! God's got this! I'm very aware...so why the heavy heart?

When I got home, I did some digging. I went back to the blog post I wrote three years ago, and it ministered to me.

First, it brought back to mind a verse that I should truly plaster all over the walls of my house just to make sure it gets plastered on my heart:

For the vision still awaits its appointed time;

it hastens to the end-

it will not lie.

If it seems slow, wait for it;

it will surely come;

it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:3

It is exactly what I am sure of in my heart, and there it was, staring right back at me from God's Word. He is so good.

Secondly, however, it reminded me to look back and see the progress that's been made in the last three years, as well as completing a sound assessment of where He's still doing some major work on me.

I started two pages in my prayer journal: one for "lessons learned" and another for "lessons He's still teaching me." Then, I went back through almost every, single blog post I've made since the one in May of 2014. The results were both uplifting and sobering.

I was able to fill an entire page with lessons I feel God has worked solidly into my heart, lessons that have become part of my daily walk, part of who I am as a follower of Christ.

However, there was also 2/3 of a page of lessons He's still teaching me - areas where I may have picked up part of the lesson, but have continued to fumble or have just dropped altogether.

I felt both deep conviction and sincere gratitude. God has already given me my next steps: complete the ones He's already given me.

There are areas in my life - diligence, household management, self-doubt, confidence - where He's still teaching me lessons, and if they are not tended to before I go into ministry, I will crumble and fold under the pressure of the enemy.

Pastor Freddy even preached on that last night! He said, "Sometimes we have to go back and complete what God has already asked us to do in order to move forward into what He has next." At the time, however, I was unable to see how that applied.

I once was blind, but now I see - thank God for His amazing grace. It's time for me to move backward and pick up some things I've dropped in order to make sure I'm fully equipped for the road ahead.

I made a report card for my heart: in some areas I've got O's for outstanding and S's for satisfactory, but I've also got some big fat N's staring back at me for areas in which I desperately Need Progress. 

The main verse we've concentrated on for our Rooted series has been Colossians 2:6-7:

Therefore, as you have received

Christ Jesus the Lord, walk in Him,

rooted and built up in him

and established in the faith,

just as you were taught,

overflowing with gratitude.

And very appropriately, that's where I ended up last night. I laid my head to my pillow overflowing with gratitude, knowing all God has already done, grounded in what He's still doing, and excited for what's to come.

That's another lesson from the past that He's still writing on my heart:

My adventure doesn't start

when I become the person I'm supposed to be;

my adventure is in the BECOMING.

Alissa Shea Coburn

"I'm Going on an Adventure"

December 30, 2016

And I'm enjoying my adventure. 

Still Under Construction?

By an odd turn of circumstances, we were able to have dinner with our wonderful friends Chad and Brandi last night, and I'm so glad we did!  Brandi and I had some more serious matters to discuss, but we could only manage them in little snippets between talks on religion, babies, and laughing so hard we cried (seriously...Brandi spit out her water and I can't even say anything because I was hysterical).

At some point in the conversation, I mentioned my blog and Chad said something to the effect of "what's the under construction business?  Shouldn't the construction be over by now?!"

It was a comment made in jest, but for some reason it got me thinking.

When does the construction end?  When do you know when you've crossed the invisible plain from spiritually immature to spiritual leader?

The easy answer (and the one I gave Chad) is this: the construction is never really over...and he knew that, of course. :)

The Bible says as believers we are made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10) when we accept Him into our hearts and receive the Holy Spirit, but we're definitely not perfect.  In Paul's letter to the church at Philippi, he said:

I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me (Philippians 3:12).

We are never perfected until we meet Jesus, but as the Holy Spirit works in us we should constantly be heading in a more Christ-like direction...drawing ever closer to Him as we become more intimately acquainted.

In looking back over the last couple years, I am amazed at the miracles God has performed in my life, and the way He has worked through the Holy Spirit to change my heart...slowly, but surely.  It's astounding that when we become followers of Christ we are given all the Holy Spirit we'll ever get or need...that's it.  I mean, it's not like I have more  Holy Spirit in me now than I did a few years ago. But some of us take SO incredibly long to actually GET IT.

I've been a believer ever since I can remember, and was baptized at 14, but it took me forever to stop seeing God as my boss - a provider of rules and regulations - and to realize He is infinitely more.  I am still in awe of Him.  I still respect Him.

But now I also have a deeper relationship with Him.

I love Him.  I can't wait to spend time with Him.  I can't wait to know Him more.

I think I'm in an in-between stage right now.  I'm more of a leader than I was, but I still feel like I need guidance quite a bit, too.  Maybe that never changes.

For now, the blog will stay "Alissa's Life Under Construction."  Maybe one day it will change.  At some point, perhaps, I'll be a real grown-up and write blogs that actually guide people more than just share my revelations, but for now, this works.



OH!!  And sort of unrelated, but SUPER EXCITING...

I have a really awesome announcement to make tomorrow (Wednesday).  It's SOOOOO hard to wait, but I don't want to mesh blog posts too much.

SEE YOU TOMORROW!

Obey Me

I didn’t really sleep last night.  As a matter of fact, I haven’t been sleeping very much at all lately.

I woke up this morning to do my quiet time at 5:15, just like every morning, but I was just SO tired.  I got out of bed and stumbled across the room to my alarm and reset it for 6:00.  I don’t have the kids this week, so I can do my quiet time after work.

Or so I thought.

I laid there for a few minutes, but I felt the insistent prodding.  The almost audible voice inside my head kept insisting, “Obey me.  Follow me.” 

For some of you, that’s going to sound a little crazy, but others will completely get it.

I heard it.  I tried to push it away by staying just a few more minutes cuddling with my husband.  I tried to drown it out with my pillow.  Finally, I just obeyed.

My quiet time was short this morning because I laid in the bed those extra few minutes.  I just read the excerpt and Scriptures in my “Jesus Calling” book.  Normally, I feel like those aren’t enough for a full quiet time, so I use those in conjunction with something else (currently, that’s normally The Resolution for Women).  However, this morning that little message was all I needed.  It was just for me, and as I thought about it in the shower, slowly sweeping the morning cobwebs from my brain, I realized the full message.

He’s gently breaking me.

I know that’s an oxymoron, but it’s absolutely true.  I’ve learned to go to him through the hard stuff.  If something major happened right this second I would fall on my knees in prayer in a heartbeat…less probably.

But He’s teaching me to come to Him all the time.  To pray…without ceasing...continually.

He wants me to turn to Him in ALL things, great and small, so He is giving me the small things.

When I’m tired, He wants me to turn to Him.

When I’m frustrated with the kids, He wants me to turn to Him.

When I’m bored at work and can’t concentrate, He wants me to turn to Him.

In all things…always…continually.

Normally, I feel like this is the small stuff I should handle on my own because He has bigger fish to fry, but I realize in doing that now I’m underestimating my God and His capabilities. 

He has it covered.

Building the Foundation

I should really be in bed right now, but instead, I've decided to create this blog that's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks.

Like everyone, my life is a work in progress; its landscape has changed exponentially in the last 4 years. With a series of baby steps (and some MAJOR blessings from God), my entire world has changed.

Four years ago I had almost lost hope that my life would be anything other than utter mediocrity (at best). I had been in an extremely unhealthy relationship for just over a decade, and while I had three beautiful children to show for it, that was really the extent of the good. I did get to stay at home with my kids at the time, which I will always cherish, but there's an opportunity cost involved in each decision, and in this case, the cost was too high. Slowly a metamorphosis began. I went back to school...something I had been dreaming of doing since I dropped out after one semester of college and began procreating. Then, I started working part time for my church. Next, through a friend at church, I got a full-time job that could support the kids and I and we moved out. I completed my Associates in Business last year, and this year I will begin the journey to complete my Bachelors. Oh, and almost a year ago, I met a WONDERFUL man named Josiah, whom I am currently very pleased to bestow the title of "boyfriend." :)

But, even with all these wonderful changes, I still feel a nagging desire for more. I feel as though I'm being called to do something...different? Bigger? More meaningful? I don't know. I feel God has a purpose for me and He wants me actively seeking His face and His purpose for my life...and so I shall.

First, I know it's definitely time for me to get off the spiritual baby food. I feel like my entire life I've been a Christian, but much more a "Sunday Christian" than anything else. I'm saved, took my kids to church, sang in the choir...heck, I was the children's choir director for a few years. Nevertheless, I felt my faith was stagnant. When my ex-husband and I were together it was difficult because I would be mocked for my beliefs, but even after I left, something was just missing. Since meeting Josiah and his insanely awesome family, I feel like my walk with God is being put back on the right track. Now it's my responsibility to make sure I feed the Spirit that lives in me daily, so I can continue down the these tracks, and bring my kids along with me. So, Construction Project 1: Spiritual Maturity. Progress: Underway.

My next project is a little less well-defined. I'm supposed to do something. I've known for a LONG time that I am supposed to do something. God is telling me I'm supposed to do something. But guess what? I have absolutely NO CLUE what "something" consists of. Nada. Zilch. I've thrown around ideas from teaching or counseling to singing or speaking in churches. But still, I have no answer.

I've decided the best way to deal with this is to just pray, live, and keep trying new things until God shows me my path. My current projects in this area include the pursuit of my Bachelors with three different concentrations (Business, Social Science, & Psychology) through Liberty University online and volunteering on the planning committee to put together a REALLY cool event with the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization (Hampton Roads Amazing Little Race!).

If at any point any of you decide to chime in (if anyone ends up reading this), I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. I'd like to hear other metamorphosis stories too!!

Construction Project 2: Alissa's Purpose. Status: Just beginning...