Picture this...
You've put together a beautiful gift for your kids. You planned for an incredibly long time. You saved. You sacrificed. Then, the day comes for you to reveal this amazing gift, and not just a gift they want, but a gift they desperately NEED. Your heart is in it. Your soul is in it. You can't wait to see how blessed they are by it!
But they reject it.
Some of them just can't really figure it out. They don't really understand it. So you think, maybe later.
But others see it, understand it, and pick it up and look at it...only to toss it aside to run off and play in the trash heap.
Painful, right? Heart-breaking. That's how I've been treating God's grace.
Grace is the word the Holy Spirit planted in my heart to focus on this year. I've been studying it, thinking about it, trying to figure out how to walk in it. It's a journey.
But then...
Last Saturday, Josiah and I took part in a service project with our life group. On the way home, someone sent me a picture of the group...and I was mortified.
Despite the fact that I said I was going to start appreciating my body...
Despite the fact that I promised myself I would stop hating it...
Despite the fact that I told myself I would be KIND to me...
I was deeply ashamed and utterly disgusted.
I went pretty far down the rabbit hole that day. Hell hath no fury like a person hell-bent on self-flagellation. No matter what Bible verses came to mind or what Josiah said, I rejected it. I said I deserved to be ashamed, and I deserved to be punished. And if God wouldn't do it, then I would.
That night, I sat in church, empty. I felt like I'd completely bled myself dry. And then, the pastor got to 1 Corinthians 6:19-20:
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the
Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?
You are not your own,
for you were bought with a price.
So glorify God in your body.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the 99.
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve, still you give yourself away.
Oh, the overwhelming, never, ending, reckless love of God.
There's no shadow you won't light up, mountain you won't climb up,
coming after me.
No wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down,
coming after me.
Finally, I made it to a prayer partner and asked her to pray over me, and she did, until at last, peace came to me.
But the next day, I knew I couldn't just let it go. I was grateful to have been given the peace, but I know my Father well enough to know He is never without waste. I'm supposed to learn something.
So, back down the rabbit hole I went, but this time with a rope called the Word of God.
But time and again that day, I was drawn to search out people's theological opinions on whether MY BODY is a sin. I found myself desperately wanting to confirm my deepest feelings that my body, in its current state was sinful and wrong and shameful.
I mean, sure, God created it, and it WAS good but I've destroyed it, right?
What if I can't lose weight? I have PCOS, so I'm insulin resistant, and it's really hard to lose weight. Is it a sin for me to stay the way I am?
I know people who are insulin resistant often need to watch their cards and the glycemic index. How do I know what I can eat? Is it a sin for me to ever eat carbs? Is it a sin for me to eat ice cream EVER?
But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find sound theological justification for the theory. Just as a child born from a sinful act is not shameful or dirty, but a gift from God, my body, though some sin may have led to its current form, is NOT sinful. It's not shameful. It's a gift.
Nevertheless, each new line of questioning sent me down another trail that inevitably ended with "My body isn't good enough." Even when I was simply trying to make a plan for HOW to care for and respect my body in a way that honored the Spirit within it, I got confused and continued to feel overburdened and ashamed.
Why? Two reasons.
First, it is impossible to properly care for and show love to anything you think is shameful, disgusting, and unworthy. You can try, but the truth will seep out, in one way or another.
Second, and more critically, I realized I have no clue how to actually walk in grace. I have always felt the need to punish myself mentally and emotionally for any mistake or transgressions.
When I was praying with my mentor Saturday night, I told her I knew God had already broken the chains I was wearing, but they were mine, a piece of me, and I wasn't sure I knew how to or if I wanted to be rid of them.
She said, "Okay, I'll tell you what. The next time you go to the gym, before you get on the treadmill, put 200 lbs of chains around your neck. Then get on and see how far you get."
As I searched for Scripture the next day, I came upon Hebrews 12, and here is where I'm going to get a little unorthodox. I was deeply affected by the WHOLE chapter, but I don't want to type all that out here. Instead, I'm going to share with you the message God gave to me as I walked through the chapter, and I'm praying you'll read the scripture directly for yourself.
God said:
I have a plan for you, Alissa; I have a path I need you to walk down. It's not an easy path, nor is it short, so in order to walk it you're going to need to take off the chains and straighten up.
You're walking slumped over, your knees buckling beneath the weight of your own condemnation. You can't possibly keep your eyes on me that way, and you certainly can't walk straight on My path.
Trust me. Get rid of those chains and trust in my love. Don't reject my grace, the beautiful gift I've given you through my Son. I sacrificed for you. Don't toss it away as meaningless and run off to play in the trash heap of lies.
Do you know the gift I've given you?? Esau didn't. He sold his birthright for a single meal. Please don't toss away your rights as my daughter for the momentary illusion that you have control.
Don't place yourself under a law I've set you free from. Don't set arbitrary rules for yourself so that you're still a slave to your own rewards and punishments.
If you want to eat, ask me what you should eat. If you want to know how much to eat, ask me to tell you when you're finished and to give you the courage to obey.
My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinth. 12:9)
You're weak. That's okay. Instead of making rules for yourself, trying to rely on your own strength to keep them, lean on me, and I'll show you a power and a peace you cannot even comprehend. Let me be glorified because where you can't, I CAN.
Friends, let me tell you: I still struggle. Changing deeply held beliefs is a process. For just about my entire 40 years, I have felt like I wasn't good enough, in so many ways, and I needed to be punished for it.
What I've been missing is that there's only been ONE who's ever been good enough, and He sacrificed Himself for me. Jesus completes me. He fills all my holes and shortcomings, so that I am ALWAYS enough.
And through Him, so are you.
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