When Faith Meets Fat (a.k.a. Dressing Room Drama)

Lamentations 3:21-23

I sat there, in dressing room, the unforgiving fluorescent lights bearing down on my half-clothed body, and I prayed.

Dear God, I just told Emily 15 minutes ago that hating her body was a waste of time and a waste of a gift from You. Help me, God. Help me keep it together so those words won't be lost. Don't let me break down here.

God got me through. I put the unkind, unforgiving pants back on the rack, bought Emily's things, and continued on about the evening. Later that night, though, I laid in bed and talked to Josiah about it. At first it was a calm controlled conversation, and then...

Then the Holy Spirit revealed to me what was really going on inside me, and it came gushing out with hot, condemning tears.

It's just pointless. I was put on my first diet at 7 years old. I have been fighting this battle for 30 years, just about my entire life, and the victories are few and far between. I cannot do this anymore. I'm just a fat person. It's who I am, and there's no use in trying to change it. It doesn't matter if I walk. It doesn't matter if I put the cookie down because tomorrow, or in the next hour, or in the next 5 minutes, I'll just fail again, so what's the point in putting forth the effort/

Apparently, the pants weren't the only things that were "unkind" and "unforgiving." Basically, I was saying losers lose...and I'm a loser.

And that, my friends, is my battle, in a nutshell.

The next morning, though, I poured my heart out to Jesus. I dove into His Word, and He put these scriptures on my heart. This is a picture of what that looks like for me...because it's real and raw and organic. Sometimes, the clean lines of computer font can't quite convey the heart as well as ink on paper.

It's definitely imperfect. Avery scribbled all over the page before I even wrote on it, and I didn't want to waste the page. But I didn't care. It was messy, and it was pure, and it was good.

He knocked at the door of my heart, and I opened it, and He came in to fellowship with me and comfort me (Revelation 3:20).

And His grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). Oh dear God, thank you for your grace being sufficient. When I am weak, HE is strong, and even though I struggle, He is ready and waiting with grace upon grace. Always enough. Always sufficient.

When Paul was talking about power being perfected in weakness, do you know what he was talking about? The thorn in his flesh. He begged God to take it away, but to ensure Paul stayed humble and constantly seeking His grace, God left the thorn.

Because His grace is sufficient. 

My struggle with my body and food is my thorn. It just is. I can attempt to fight it on my own or just admit defeat (one normally leads to the other), OR I can lean into God for His strength, and rest and revel in His grace when I don't.

If you asked me, generally, if I think I am a hopeless person, I would answer "Of course not! I'm full of hope!" But, in this one thing, I was definitely hopeless.

I had given up hope because I felt like it only brought pain, but that was because I was only hoping in my own strength, and can I tell you? I am not a strong person, not in this area, at least. I am weak.

But God is not.

So, now, I will dare to hope. I will put my trust and hope in Him because He is faithful and His mercies are new each morning. Thank you, God!!

Now friend, it's time for me to ask you, in what area have you given up hope? Where have you depended upon your own strength when you should be leaning on the everlasting arms?

It's almost the end of 2016. We're on the cusp of a new year, a fresh start. Let Him breathe new life, new hope, into those dark corners of your heart.

His mercies are new, and He's waiting for you.