Lessons Learned: Bombs Away

Well,  here it is: a post I have been avoiding writing, but one I really feel needs to be written. It's time to rip the band-aid off and share about a lesson learned. 

A somewhat humiliating lesson.

Josiah and I have formed a marriage ministry at our church: Compass Marriage Ministry. Last Friday, we hosted our first major event: Dance and Dine Your Valentine. We hosted a dinner and asked a local dance teacher to come in and teach the Tango.

It was SO much fun!

Everyone seemed to have a really good time, and everything went pretty smoothly...except one thing: the speech.

Josiah and I planned to go up and give a little ten minute speech to introduce ourselves, introduce the ministry, and give a little synopsis of what we've covered in our small group on Sundays and what we plan to cover in the next seven weeks.

Sounds okay, right? Well, in theory, yes.

But it was a nightmare. I bombed. It was like this:

It was like a ten car pileup. I kept trying to reign it in and do some damage control, but it was just a disaster. I just couldn't bring it around to where it felt like I was making any kind of point. 

I drifted. I wandered. I crashed. 

I say "I" instead of "we" because...well...I'm really the one who has more feelings about this. I'm the one who feels like she's supposed to be a decent public speaker.

I'm the one who feels called to speak.

Therefore, I feel like it was me that screwed up. I was given a responsibility, a chance to say something that might make a difference, and I just...lost it.

However, as with any experience, particularly the bad ones, there are lessons to be learned. Those I learned this time are as follows.

First, speaking responsibility shouldn't be shared unless both parties are very familiar with the material. Poor Josiah got material kind of tossed at him last minute, and it made for awkward segues and dropped information. I also assumed we would have two mics, but we only had one that we passed back and forth like a hot potato...ever so professional.

Next, I'll never again speak about what I think someone wants me to, instead of what is actually on my heart to say. NEVER. It was suggested that we speak about the classes coming up in order to create interest in our small group...but that's not what God laid on my heart. Maybe I'll write another blog post about what was actually on my heart, but it wasn't what I spoke about. Therefore, I didn't connect at all with what I was saying. It sucked.

Last, and most importantly, I flayed myself and my qualifications in front of a room full of sixty people. I felt like I didn't belong up there in front of them, so I made jokes about how Josiah and I met in a bar and really weren't qualified, and then tried to talk to a room full of folks who have been married far longer than we.

It was disastrous. 

Everyone was very supportive on the comment cards, but one person - a very kind, well-meaning, honest person - commented that they'd like to hear from people with more experience and had been married longer, those with real marriage testimonies.

And he (or she) was absolutely correct in what they wrote. They deserved so much better.

Mind you, we would LOVE to have other people speak: professionals with great advice and people with inspiring testimonies. Nevertheless, the comparison was heart-wrenching.

People want to hear from someone who's qualified...NOT me.

But then...then I remember that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I knew that (heck, I even said it Friday night), but the meaning of the phrase changed in my eyes.

Somehow, I thought the phrase meant I really didn't have any qualifications, but God called me to do it and, therefore, I am qualified...somehow. But honestly, I hadn't really figured out how.

What I now realize, however, is that God HAS given me qualifications, not just by virtue of having placed me in the position, but by the path he allowed me to take to reach the position.

• He helped me survive a very unhealthy, and sometimes abusive, relationship that lasted over a decade. 

• He has given me the opportunity to have five beautiful children, which means I understand what it's like to have a marriage with children at many different stages AND a blended family.

• He led me on the path to Liberty University, where I not only graduated Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology and Business, but I also took classes on Christian Leadership and Christian Life Coaching.

• He gave me a love of knowledge and learning and a passion for marriages, which means I'm devouring every book and study I can on marriage. I have a pocket full of experts I can pull out at any time, and I love to lead people to great information that will help their relationships with God and their spouses grow.

• He gave me the spiritual gifts of teaching and exhortation which, in most circumstances (although not last Friday), gives me the ability to speak well and passionately about what He puts on my heart...when I have the sense to follow it. 

• And, He gave me the wonderful intellectual gifts of analysis and introspection, uncommon for many super-extroverts like myself, so I can reach deep into my failures (like this one) and turn it into a lesson that will help me grow, and if I share it, may just help someone else grow, too.

Thus, I am qualified to stand in front of a room and make a speech on marriage because I know all-too-well the pitfalls this world and our sinful natures create for our sacred unions, both with Christ and one another. 

God may not have given me the same qualifications as the normal marriage ministry director, but nonetheless, He's given me qualifications.

Paul said in his letter to the Philippians that he could do anything through the strength of Christ (4:13). And in his second letter to the Corinthians he said that God's grace was sufficient for him, and that he would boast about his weaknesses because it was in them that God's power shines through (12:9).

So, there you go. I bombed. But it was worth it just so I could analyze it and come out on the other side knowing that God didn't place me in my position JUST to humble me and show that He has a keen sense of irony, but also because maybe, just maybe, He's given me an interesting set of gifts and experiences.

And that's what I leave you with today. If God has put you in a position, and you feel you have no right to be there, think again. The Creator of the universe put you there, and I'm betting that, while you may not have the typical set of credentials, you have everything you need to do the job that HE set before you.

God has a plan for each of us, works that we were created to perform, that he prepares for us and prepares us for.

So, let's get to it.

An Entirely Different Kind of Dream Speech

Here's a little embarrassing revelation about me, one that I don't even think Josiah knows about: since I was little, I have played little fantasy scenarios out in my head (minds out of the gutter please).

I guess it's daydreaming. Maybe everyone does it...but I'm going to be the crazy one letting it all hang out today. 

When I was little, I would look out the bus window and imagine a movie producer or modeling agent seeing my face through the glass. He would stop the bus or follow it to the next stop and insist I was his next big star.

I was kind of a goofy kid.

Over the years, as I've changed, my daydreams have changed. Since my "calling" episode a couple years ago (which you can read about here), I've imagined myself speaking to large groups of people. I tend to write sermons and speeches in my head and envision myself speaking to rapt audiences.

I'm kind of a goofy adult, too.

This weekend, Josiah, Destiny, and I are going to Raleigh to visit friends. On Saturday, she and I are going to a women's event in Princeton: Intentionally and Wonderfully Made 2015.

I've met a couple of the main organizers/speakers for the event. They know Josiah and I are planning to start Seeking the Symphony (God's time, not ours), and they've also given us advice and direction for our church's new marriage ministry, Compass. 

I'm sure you know what's coming next - many times I've envisioned I'd be asked to speak at the event. In fact, I had to do an assignment for a class last year, and for it, I wrote a mock proposal asking them to allow me to speak.

NOT happening.

Let me be clear, I'm aware these are just fantasies at this point. I feel God has called me to speak, but let's face it: they have an ACTUAL author speaking at this event. At this point, I'm a stay-at-home-mom who writes a blog...on occasion.

But...in the last few days I've thought to myself, What would you say if they DID ask you to speak? What do you have to say about being "Intentionally and Wonderfully Made?

And the rest of this post, my dear friends, is the result of that question. It's my fantasy speech, but it's also my heart and my testimony. (And it's long. Super long. Get a snack and be ready to hang out for a while).

Alissa's Intentionally and Wonderfully Made Fantasy Speech

When Sherry and Beverly called and asked me to speak at this event, I did what any professional author and speaker does when they're booked for an event: the happy dance in my living room. That's not what they do? Huh...maybe that's because I'm NOT a professional author and speaker. 

So...after my very dignified end-zone-like celebration, I did the next non-professional thing: I screamed in panic. "What in the world am I going to talk about in front of these women?!"

I'm not a Bible scholar or Christian therapist. Heck, I'm a relatively new blogger and ministry leader. I'm just a woman!!

But then I realized, we're all just women. Each women in this room is weaving a tapestry, full of light dark, vivid and grim. We each have a story, struggles and victories, and God is present and active in each one of them. So, I'll just start with my story.

I'm a stay-at-home homeschooling mom of 5 beautiful children, ages 16, 12 (as of Sunday), 7, 1, and 3 months. The oldest three children are from my previous marriage. My husband, Josiah, and I have only been married for just over 2 1/2 years...and we've had two kids in that time. It's been a busy couple of years!!

I'm totally in love with my husband and kids, but I'm actually more grateful to say I'm in love with my Savior, Jesus. 

I haven't always been able to say that.

I've known Jesus as long as I can remember...sort of. I asked him into my heart at a very young age, and I was 14 when I was baptized. But...for a long time I didn't understand how to have a relationship with him. I didn't understand that God had a plan for my life...or how to consult him regarding that plan.

I was always the bubbly girl...I still am. obviously. If you tied my hands behind my back I might not be able to talk, and I wear my heart on my sleeve...which is then ALWAYS faithfully communicated by my face. I can't control it. If I'm confused or happy or upset or just think you're crazy, you'll probably be able to tell...immediately.

 I graduated from high school at 17 at the top of my class with a Presidential Scholarship to Christopher Newport University. I just knew I was going places...and I was...just the wrong places. 

A month after graduation I met my ex-husband and the father of my first three children. He was a dreamer, a risk-taker, an artist. 

But like a lot of artists, he also had a very dark side. 

He's a lot different now. People grow and they change. We were a toxic combination. That actually makes all of this harder to share. I feel like I'm slandering someone. However, no matter how hard I try, I can't remove this part from my story. It's my testimony, my life. 

Abuse just isn't always what it is in movies. It doesn't always happen non-stop. It can start very gradually and be very sporadic. He could go a year without an incident and then...then they would start again. Something I did would set him off, and once again, the beast would raise its ugly head. Sometimes he would only yell. Sometimes he would get in my face. Sometimes it was Hell on Earth. 

One time he choked me until I passed out and he thought he killed me. He was more scared than I was...and he didn't touch me for a long while after that.

Physical abuse is very ugly, but in my case, I'm thoroughly convinced the verbal abuse left the deepest scars. I was ugly and fat. My stomach was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen, and no one would ever have me. I was worthless. I thought they were just words...and words can't really hurt you, right?

Through it all I smiled and laughed. I made friends just as easily as I always had. I went to bbq's and served on the PTA. I just didn't always disclose what went on behind closed doors. Some people knew, but most people had no clue. I left him multiple times, or I was the one that was left...but we always wanted to try to make it right.

Old habits die hard.

In September of 2007, we had a particularly ugly battle. The night ended with an arm I thought might be broken (it wasn't); a picture of my five year old on her knees, crying and  begging her dad not to kill himself permanently seared into my memory; and the deeply held conviction that it was finally time for me to leave for good. 

I secured a full-time job, and five months later the kids and I moved out.

As a small aside, I'm not here advocating divorce. Sherry and Beverly would string me up. However, after over a decade of abuse, adultery, and addictions, I made the only choice I thought I could make at the time. That doesn't make divorce NOT a sin. However, since then, I've asked God to forgive me for that sin, and He's chosen to bless me because of HIS grace and mercy.

It's part of my story.

A couple years after that horrible September night, I met my Josiah. He was and IS truly an answer to prayer: a partner, a lover, a best friend. It was he and his family who showed me how to really love Jesus, how to follow His plan for my life. 

A lot of people have asked me how I broke the pattern. Many women who have been in unhealthy or abusive relationships continue to repeat the cycle.

Wanna know?

I had to let go of the title "victim." What happened wasn't my fault, but in my situation, I continued to allow the behavior. I did that thinking I was doing what God wanted me to do, but I still did it. It was my decision to stay. I had a choice.

I had to realize that point in my life was part of my testimony, but it was not ME. I could choose to allow abuse and bad decisions to define me OR I could choose to be defined by who GOD says I am: HIS child, adopted through the blood of His son, Jesus Christ; loved and cherished, the masterpiece of an Almighty God. 

We all have a choice to make.

Maybe you're here today and you've got a lot of dark in your tapestry, too.

Maybe things have happened in your life that you really have no control over: abuse, death, devastation. 

Maybe you know where you're at, but it's been so long since you've seen the light that you've abandoned yourself to the dark. What are your names? Adulteress? Liar? Addict? Abuser?

I'm here today to tell you, You have a choice! You can choose to be defined by the things that have happened to you and the things you've done OR you can decide today to be defined by how God sees you, and - pay attention this is the important part - start acting like it.

Start acting like you believe what you say you believe.

If you believe the Bible is God's word, then you're saying you believe what's in it. God says you're loved. God says you're valued. God says 

He knows everything about you, from the beginning of time He knew you and knew His plan for your life. He knit you together in your mother's womb for a purpose! He knows everything about you from your best achievement to your darkest sin...and He still loves you and wants you!!

He wants YOU. He loves YOU.

If you don't believe God's word or you're not sure what you believe, you can make a different choice about that, too. And if you need to talk to someone about that, there are plenty of women here who are ready, willing, and able to help you and answer your questions. I'm one of them.

So, today, you have a choice to make. Are you going to let the dark threads of your life weave themselves into a portrait of hopelessness and devastation? OR, are you going to, with determination and intentionality, grab hold of your Savior and weave a beautiful portrait of a life lived in His presence - light complimented by dark, vivid colors made all the more beautiful alongside the black and gray?

It's your choice. Today's the day. What's it gonna be?

*Those of you who go to Menchville Baptist know I stole the idea of the tapestry metaphor from Pastor Jim's sermon on Sunday. This is me giving him credit for that. :)