Walking in the Dark

Last Saturday night, Josiah and I made the decision to walk to church. It was a beautiful night, and he and Phinehas ran ahead because Phin says he's "super fast." It was pretty darn adorable.

On the way home, however, it was dark. We took the back way home, and parts of the walk were just about pitch black.

He was no longer thrilled by the adventure.

He whimpered a little and said, "Daddy, I can't find our house! I can't find it!"

Josiah took his hand and guided him home. When we got close, though, and Phinehas finally recognized our house, he let go of his daddy's hand and ran to take a shortcut, tripped on the curb, and fell flat on his face.

Don't worry...he's okay (the new house has some pretty stellar, cushy grass).

He quickly scrambled up, again scared by the dark. But Josiah called to him, he found his daddy, and they walked to the house.

This little display was right on the heels of a sermon on Peter's response to Jesus walking on the water...and I immediately saw the connection.

And Peter answered him,

“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

He said, “Come.”

So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid,

and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me."

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him,

saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,

“Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matthew 14:28-33 (ESV)

• Phinehas stepped out into the dark. He let his father lead him, but then he got distracted, tried to take a shortcut, and fell. He called out, and his father saved him.

• Peter stepped out of the boat. He followed Jesus's lead, but then he got distracted by his fear, looked at the wind instead of Jesus, and he began to fall. Peter cried out, and Jesus reached out and saved him. 

God calls us into the dark. He calls us out into the storm. He calls us to walk in circumstances only He can make successful.

Do you know what we do? We avoid it.

We tell God he's wrong. We ask to be the other disciples...the ones safe in the boat.

We SING about walking on the water, though, right?

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the water,

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

where my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my savior.

(Hillsong UNITED, Oceans)

We sing about it, with loud voices and hands raised. But when it comes down to it, we're control freaks.

What if calling us out into the water means job loss, friend loss, discomfort, pain, hurt, abandonment...a presidential candidate you think is deplorable (pick your side-it matters little).

We want the growth that comes from God calling us, but we want to do it from the safety of the boat.

Then, if we DO embrace the calling, we sometimes lose sight of the Caller, and we fall.

• Maybe we get a little overexcited and let go of the Father's hand. We try to take a shortcut to our calling. We fall.

• Maybe we get overtaken by fear at the size of our obstacles, forgetting that we serve and Almighty God, and we let discouragement overtake us. We start to sink.

Either way, we take our eyes of the One who called us and we lose heart.

We err. We're human. But it isn't the screwing up that's really important...it's the calling out.

When he spoke about Peter's fear of the wind, Pastor Freddy said we "assign supernatural powers to the natural."

Wind and waves were nothing to Jesus. They had seen him calm them before, and in this narrative, he's even out taking a stroll in the storm. Jesus was not scared of the weather and waves.

However, I would say the converse is also true: we assign natural powers to the supernatural.

We forget how BIG God is. We forget He already knows we're going to fall.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

God already knows you're going to fall; He's trying to teach you how to respond to it.

Call out.

Reach Up.

I have fallen on my face quite a few times in my life, and I wish I could say my first response was to call out to God and seek His will. Instead, I've often tried to manipulate circumstances and solve the problem in my own power.

Like Peter, God has called me out into the storm to meet him, and I got out of the boat, lost sight of Him, and started to sink.

But instead of calling out to Him, I decided to try to dog paddle my way to safety.

But God is working on me. With each calling, and each fall, I'm learning to call out to the only One who I know has the power to save me. I'm learning to keep my heart soft and responsive to His voice...and His correction.

Where are you today, friend?

Are you in the middle of the storm, discouraged and scared because you've forgotten what a powerful God we serve?

Are you full of excitement for the adventure ahead, but so excited that you're trying to take shortcuts to get to the end result? Manipulating circumstances to bring a desired result? Are you asking for a fall?

Call on Him today. Lean in close and listen for His quiet voice. Let Him determine your steps and strengthen your resolve...correct your course.

It's not always fun or easy, but it's always worth it.

Faithfulness and Failure

Let me ask you a question. In which of the following two scenarios am I more successful?

1. I'm faithful to my husband and try to be the best wife I can be, but I don't get the attention I want from him; OR
2. I'm unfaithful to my husband, but I find the attention I seek in others?

I think most people will SCREAM at this point, FAITHFUL TO YOUR HUSBAND! ARE YOU INSANE?!

Never fear. I have not lost my mind; I am not unfaithful; he gives me plenty of attention.

Nevertheless, I've been having a REALLY hard time lately emotionally, and the above question is a mediocre metaphor for what God has been showing me. (I'll explain, I promise.)

When I say I've had a hard time, I mean to say engaged in full-on spiritual warfare. 

I had been praying and sobbing my way through it for days, when finally, I hid at church Sunday, crumpled on the floor of the dark, abandoned sanctuary. 

The church pianist found me there, bawling and praying. She prayed over me. Then, once she left,  I quite literally prayed through Romans 8 and Ephesians 6 (particularly the part about putting on the armor of God).

Why, you may ask, was I struggling so horribly? Was someone dying? Had my husband been unfaithful? Had my kids been hurt.

Nope...I felt like a failure.

It sounds so silly, right? Nevertheless, it was what I felt, and it was crushing me.

The enemy whispered in my ear over and over, that I wasn't successful in ANY area of my life: wife, homemaker, leader, businesswoman, writer...FAILURE.

The name followed me around like a cloud; it pressed down on me. It was suffocating.

FAILURE.

The prayer session on the sanctuary floor FINALLY lifted the dark veil, and I felt happier than I have in quite some time during the worship service.

Let's face it...this hasn't been the only time I've been reduced to blubbering lately. God has been working in my life in big ways, and sometimes, that can be painful...but MAN, it's worth it.

That night, during some much-needed time away from everyone, I started a book called Victory Over the Darkness: Realizing the Power of Your Identity in Christ by Neil T. Anderson. This morning, I read Chapter 2, and shed tears of joy as I read aloud who GOD says I am...

and let me give you a hint, it's NOT a failure.

Yesterday, I went to a Zumba class at the Y. During one of the last songs, I stopped early on the squats. I hate when I do that, I thought. I feel like such a failure.

I chased the thought away, immediately. I've had enough of the failure nonsense over the last week.

I said to myself, Alissa Shea, you have just completed a class you walked out of 6 months ago. You are walking out happy, with your head held high because you were faithful and came to work out.

Did you catch that? I was faithful because I showed up and did my best.

It was in that moment that it hit me: 

I have been looking at whether I'm a success or failure based upon my perceived outcome, instead of my obedient action. I was tied up in whether people were responding to what I was doing, instead of focusing on the fact that I'm just doing what I've been called to do, despite the outcome.

Do you see the similarity in the introductory example now? It's obvious to just about everyone that being faithful to my husband makes me more successful than getting attention, but that's not how we think most of the time is it?

When the blog doesn't get enough hits...

When my husband doesn't tell me I'm beautiful...

When no one notices what I've done...

When people don't respond to my messages...

When me team doesn't perform well...

When no one shows up to the study...

At various times, and definitely recently, I've looked at each of those outcomes and taken them personally. It sounds so shallow doesn't it? Well...it is, but it's the truth.

However, if I've been faithful, if I've done what I truly believe God wants me to do, then I haven't failed.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

Here's the bottom line: I know Whose I am. Each and every day, I'm praying that He will guide my paths and make them straight.

For you are all children of God

through faith in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 3:26

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:6

And no matter what, even when I misstep, even when I feel like I've failed, He can use it for my good.

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

Even when I let the deceiver fool me into feeling like a failure, God can take it and use it for good in my life. And I'm hoping, through my sharing, He can use it in yours, as well.

I foresee a lot of blog posts about this in the coming weeks as I work my way through the book. I would challenge you to come along with me. 

Do you fully understand your identity in Christ? Do you fully appreciate the miracle of what's been done for you, and the position it's put you in? Do you fully understand what it means to be adopted as a child of God?

I don't think I do yet. But I'm on my way.

Lessons Learned: Bombs Away

Well,  here it is: a post I have been avoiding writing, but one I really feel needs to be written. It's time to rip the band-aid off and share about a lesson learned. 

A somewhat humiliating lesson.

Josiah and I have formed a marriage ministry at our church: Compass Marriage Ministry. Last Friday, we hosted our first major event: Dance and Dine Your Valentine. We hosted a dinner and asked a local dance teacher to come in and teach the Tango.

It was SO much fun!

Everyone seemed to have a really good time, and everything went pretty smoothly...except one thing: the speech.

Josiah and I planned to go up and give a little ten minute speech to introduce ourselves, introduce the ministry, and give a little synopsis of what we've covered in our small group on Sundays and what we plan to cover in the next seven weeks.

Sounds okay, right? Well, in theory, yes.

But it was a nightmare. I bombed. It was like this:

It was like a ten car pileup. I kept trying to reign it in and do some damage control, but it was just a disaster. I just couldn't bring it around to where it felt like I was making any kind of point. 

I drifted. I wandered. I crashed. 

I say "I" instead of "we" because...well...I'm really the one who has more feelings about this. I'm the one who feels like she's supposed to be a decent public speaker.

I'm the one who feels called to speak.

Therefore, I feel like it was me that screwed up. I was given a responsibility, a chance to say something that might make a difference, and I just...lost it.

However, as with any experience, particularly the bad ones, there are lessons to be learned. Those I learned this time are as follows.

First, speaking responsibility shouldn't be shared unless both parties are very familiar with the material. Poor Josiah got material kind of tossed at him last minute, and it made for awkward segues and dropped information. I also assumed we would have two mics, but we only had one that we passed back and forth like a hot potato...ever so professional.

Next, I'll never again speak about what I think someone wants me to, instead of what is actually on my heart to say. NEVER. It was suggested that we speak about the classes coming up in order to create interest in our small group...but that's not what God laid on my heart. Maybe I'll write another blog post about what was actually on my heart, but it wasn't what I spoke about. Therefore, I didn't connect at all with what I was saying. It sucked.

Last, and most importantly, I flayed myself and my qualifications in front of a room full of sixty people. I felt like I didn't belong up there in front of them, so I made jokes about how Josiah and I met in a bar and really weren't qualified, and then tried to talk to a room full of folks who have been married far longer than we.

It was disastrous. 

Everyone was very supportive on the comment cards, but one person - a very kind, well-meaning, honest person - commented that they'd like to hear from people with more experience and had been married longer, those with real marriage testimonies.

And he (or she) was absolutely correct in what they wrote. They deserved so much better.

Mind you, we would LOVE to have other people speak: professionals with great advice and people with inspiring testimonies. Nevertheless, the comparison was heart-wrenching.

People want to hear from someone who's qualified...NOT me.

But then...then I remember that God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I knew that (heck, I even said it Friday night), but the meaning of the phrase changed in my eyes.

Somehow, I thought the phrase meant I really didn't have any qualifications, but God called me to do it and, therefore, I am qualified...somehow. But honestly, I hadn't really figured out how.

What I now realize, however, is that God HAS given me qualifications, not just by virtue of having placed me in the position, but by the path he allowed me to take to reach the position.

• He helped me survive a very unhealthy, and sometimes abusive, relationship that lasted over a decade. 

• He has given me the opportunity to have five beautiful children, which means I understand what it's like to have a marriage with children at many different stages AND a blended family.

• He led me on the path to Liberty University, where I not only graduated Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology and Business, but I also took classes on Christian Leadership and Christian Life Coaching.

• He gave me a love of knowledge and learning and a passion for marriages, which means I'm devouring every book and study I can on marriage. I have a pocket full of experts I can pull out at any time, and I love to lead people to great information that will help their relationships with God and their spouses grow.

• He gave me the spiritual gifts of teaching and exhortation which, in most circumstances (although not last Friday), gives me the ability to speak well and passionately about what He puts on my heart...when I have the sense to follow it. 

• And, He gave me the wonderful intellectual gifts of analysis and introspection, uncommon for many super-extroverts like myself, so I can reach deep into my failures (like this one) and turn it into a lesson that will help me grow, and if I share it, may just help someone else grow, too.

Thus, I am qualified to stand in front of a room and make a speech on marriage because I know all-too-well the pitfalls this world and our sinful natures create for our sacred unions, both with Christ and one another. 

God may not have given me the same qualifications as the normal marriage ministry director, but nonetheless, He's given me qualifications.

Paul said in his letter to the Philippians that he could do anything through the strength of Christ (4:13). And in his second letter to the Corinthians he said that God's grace was sufficient for him, and that he would boast about his weaknesses because it was in them that God's power shines through (12:9).

So, there you go. I bombed. But it was worth it just so I could analyze it and come out on the other side knowing that God didn't place me in my position JUST to humble me and show that He has a keen sense of irony, but also because maybe, just maybe, He's given me an interesting set of gifts and experiences.

And that's what I leave you with today. If God has put you in a position, and you feel you have no right to be there, think again. The Creator of the universe put you there, and I'm betting that, while you may not have the typical set of credentials, you have everything you need to do the job that HE set before you.

God has a plan for each of us, works that we were created to perform, that he prepares for us and prepares us for.

So, let's get to it.

Quick and Dirty: A Visionary Flop

This one is going to be quick and dirty (written on the fly with little editing) because I feel like death and I'm buried under a ton of schoolwork, but I think it's important enough that I'm willing to take a few minutes out.

I've felt a little...attacked lately.

First, there's the whole gym thing. Since I started going to the gym, I've felt SO much better. I haven't dropped a ton of weight or anything, but it's only been about a month, and that's just not the point. The point is, I FEEL better when I go.

However, within a couple weeks of rejoining, my ankle (which hasn't given me major problems in over a year) locked while I was simply sitting on the floor helping Ryan put together a puzzle...completely random. And do you know when I stopped going to the gym last time? Yup...when the same thing happened to my ankle.

I was bound and determined this time, though...nothing was going to keep me from working out - so I decided to take some aqua aerobics classes. Yes, there are old people in there and you feel pretty stupid running around a pool, BUT I felt GREAT after my first aqua kickboxing class, and I was determined to continue.

Until this week, when I got hit with some sort of pulmonary virus (a.k.a. "chest funk") that landed me flat on my butt. Seriously, I woke up Tuesday feeling like I had an elephant on my chest and by the end of the day I was out of breath if I tried to move. Today, I'm at about 45%...so better, but still no gym.

But guess what? The first day I feel I'm no longer infecting the world with my funk, I'm going to be in that gym. I don't care if I just walk on a treadmill at 3.0 mph for 20 minutes...I'll be there.

And then there's the think with the ministry. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm still blogging from Life Under Construction - not Seeking the Symphony. I've made ZERO headway lately with the ministry...and I assure you, I've felt like a super failure because of it.

Furthermore, EVERYTHING I've come in contact with has talked about praying BIG prayers, dreaming BIG dreams, seeing the VISION, leading with PASSION...you get the idea.

But that's not how I feel lately. I feel like I've lost the vision. I feel like the vision and the dream and everything else has gotten lost in the mundane, everyday tasks of life, like homeschooling and my classes and...I dunno...life.

I feel like a visionary flop.

I had this conversation with Josiah the other day, and poor guy...I happened to look to him for emotional support on a day where he was pretty low himself. I attacked him with questions like, "How do we know we're really doing the right thing by starting the ministry? Why isn't God giving me more information if this is the way we're supposed to go? What do you think? How do you feel? How do we know for sure?!" His response was basically "I think we are going the right way, but I don't know." Poor guy...there's nothing like getting attacked while you're trying to cook dinner. So then I did what I should have done in the first place:

I went into my bedroom, got on my knees, and cried out to God. I poured out my heart to Jesus right there on my bedroom floor.

Sometimes, it takes God a while to answer our prayers, but sometimes...sometimes He answers right away...and this time that's exactly what he did.

Right there, while I was praying, he reminded me that he HAS given me a vision...at Women of Faith a year and a half ago (you can read about that here). Heck, I just stood on stage at church talking about it last weekend. Is Seeking the Symphony part of that vision? Maybe...maybe not. Either way, fail or succeed, it's a stepping stone for us and I truly believe it's God's will for us.

He also reminded me that I've felt discouraged about this before...my lack of a solid plan where the ministry is concerned, and what He told me THEN was that I needed to follow the steps He's given me for now, and then He'll give me the next pieces...and guess what? I haven't finished those yet.

And I think I know why.

Today He reminded me that sometimes He slows us down on purpose because we have more to learn before we can proceed.

Before I started back to school, I started working with some Dreamweaver tutorials so I could learn how to build the StS website, but then, as I said, I got sidetracked by life. But sometimes, God builds His lessons into our lives -

Like today, when I realized that this week's presentations in my Digital Imaging class are all about building webpages in Photoshop...to then be linked with Dreamweaver if necessary.

I hope you know what this feels like. I hope you know what it feels like when God reaches down and gently wraps His hands around you and reminds you that He is in control, that He has already prepared works for you to walk in, and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Ours is a mighty, loving God. El Shaddai - God Almighty. El-roi - the God who sees me.

See, here's the deal. Maybe I'm not being attacked. Maybe that's just my imagination. Either way, there are some trials, and you know what? I'm thankful for them. Through them, God is producing endurance and maturing me, making me full and complete, lacking nothing (James 1:2).

Let's face it - He has His work cut out for Him, but every day He works on me, and for that, I am exceedingly grateful.