A Weekend to Remember Part 1: It's Just the Beginning

A few months ago, I met a guy at a Food Lion. We talked a bit about where we might have known each other from, talked about what churches we went to and what we liked about them, and exchanged numbers. We may send each other a message about once a month, but I haven't really run into him since then.

I knew from the moment I met him it was a divine appointment.

The FamilyLife® Weekend to Remember began on Friday, November 18th, but before we reported for the prayer team, I had report to work. I went in at 5 am, having slept very little for the second night in a row, and under a little bit of stress.

I had been looking at our finances. It didn't look great.

I sent a text to my wife to discuss them. However, less than 5 minutes later I received a text from my aforementioned friend.

The message he sent said:

Unless the Lord Builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,

eating the bread of anxious toil;

for He gives His beloved sleep.

Psalm 127:1-3

No other message, just scripture.

I thanked him, telling him I needed it, then I told him it made me ask 2 questions.

1. God, what house, what refuge are you trying to build or establish in my life right now? 

I have no doubt that this scripture was inspired by God, and I have no doubt that I needed it.

I know I'm not where God wants me occupationally, and I know that God has something in store for me and my best interests.

God IS supplying all of our needs, though maybe not all of our wants, and that's more than okay. It's fantastic!

But things are still tight enough for me to know and rest assured that HE is the one taking care of us.

And He is providing a push to make me want to go towards the promised land.

This leads me to my second question:

2. Where IS our "promised land"?

Uh.

I don't know yet. I know what my gifts are, and I know that God didn't give them to me for me to set them on a shelf and collect dust, so I'm certain those gifts are currently in refinement stages and my heart is being made malleable.

I know I shed tears of joy and sorrow that morning at the revealing of this Word in the moment, when I didn't even know I needed it.

With praise, I said,  “God thank you for hearing what I wasn't even saying.”

With sorrow, I said a prayer for God to open my eyes and to open my ears, and asked Him to open doors, and to give me to have the faith to walk through them.

In the sermon we heard last night, just over a week later (which Alissa wrote about here), the pastor said God uses the “hidden years” to develop in us the things we will need for the future.

David, after his anointing, was used for years in the same role...honing his skills as a shepherd. He was disciplined and knew he had a higher calling – one that was divinely inspired and God given.

He was being trained to be a gentle leader: to care about the, the helpless, the victims of prey, well before he walked in his purpose.

He faced lions and bears which ultimately gave him the skills to face Goliath.

Sometimes our position doesn't match our purpose, but God is using this in order to construct something new.

And sometimes in order to do something new, you have to deconstruct the old.

The things we practice in the dark shine even brighter in the light of day.

(Thank you for those nuggets, Pastor Cyon.)

I am not currently facing a giant, but I will still face a decision to act in faith when the time comes.


My original questions remain unanswered for now, and that's okay.

In His perfect timing, when He thinks I'm ready, He will let me know. If there's one thing I have learned over the last week, it's that nothing happens on accident.

Thus, our Weekend to Remember started before we even arrived on the premises. Alissa and I both felt like God was about to start something new in our lives...and then, we walked into the War Room.

More on that tomorrow....

He Sees Me

Sometimes life doesn't happen in the right order. Or at least, it doesn't happen in the order you think it should.

I'm writing this right now, but it was supposed to be a different post. It was supposed to be a beautiful post about the Weekend to Remember last weekend. I will get to that post...

But this is something else entirely.

Lately, a lot of my posts have been about "searching." Finding my way through self doubt; searching for me; seeking in the darkness; wrestling with my purpose.

And, in that same vein, today, before I can move on to the beauty of last weekend, I have to confess the ugly of the past week.

And it was indeed ugly.

It had me building up resentment toward my husband only days after I cried sweet, happy tears as I witnessed his amazing spiritual growth and hiding in the bathroom crying a river of tears when, really, I have so much to be grateful for.

I felt it impressed on me so heavily last weekend that God was doing something NEW and EXCITING in our lives, but somehow, that goes away so quickly, and sin creeps in my mind and heart.

Over 4 years ago, I felt God calling me to some form of very public ministry...someday. (You can read about that here.) Since then, I've been waiting...in a holding pattern.

Because of that, with each day that passes, blog post that gets written, development I've made, I hold my breath expectantly, waiting for the moment when God will decide I'm ready to be used in a bigger way.

The other night (while I was hiding and crying in the bathroom), I sent a text to my sister-in-law, Jamie. There are very few people in this life you can just pour your ugly out to, and they'll embrace you anyway. Jamie is one of my people.

 I told her I was just struggling and asked for prayer. I told her I'm having difficulty connecting. I told her I'm resentful of Josiah's writing because I'm struggling with mine. I told her I think I've misunderstood my purpose.

I said, "Everything I touch turns to mediocrity." Not trash. Not gold.

Mediocrity.

Of course, she admonished me in the most loving, Jamie-like manner. She reminded me that I'm not God and, I don't know "all the things." I don't know what He's doing in the background. She reminded me to trust God, even though I don't FEEL like anything is happening.

I don't know if y'all know this, but feelings can be big, fat liars.

A child normally doesn't FEEL their growth. Sometimes, when it happens quickly, they have growing pains, but most of the time, it happens slowly and steadily until, one day, both they and their parents see their heads towering above the last mark on the wall.

It happens in front of your eyes, but you don't see what's going on in the background: the cells growing and multiplying, the bones stretching, the muscle developing.

No...just one day, "WOW! You've grown!"

She prayed for me and I prayed for myself. I felt like God was cold and distant, not caring about my broken heart, not seeing me in the desert, in the wait. But I prayed anyway.

And then...I went to church last night. I knew the sermon would be on the subject of our "Legacy," and it would involve the life of King David, but I was wholly unprepared for the way God would reach down and touch me.

The sermon was on David's waiting space: the years between when he was anointed as the next king of Israel and when he fought Goliath. You know, those years after he was anointed when he went back to being the littlest brother, the shepherd of the flocks.

Pastor Cyon said, "What do you do when your position doesn't line up with your purpose?"

And then I cried. I cried on and off the whole sermon. She went on to outline what God was doing to prepare David in those years, and what we should do in OUR waiting space.

She even asked the question, "How many 'what about me' moments did David have in those lonely years?" Haha...I think I know.

My intention here, though, is not to retell the sermon (although you should definitely listen to it on the FLC website). Instead, it's to show you how much God cares.

See, there are a lot of people in this world struggling over much more serious things than a "waiting space." There are far bigger problems in the world.

But as much as God cares about those big problems, He also cares about my little heart.

He sees me; He knows me; He loves me.

He knew I was feeling distant, and He reached down to show me how much He cares. He even had these women who don't know one another at all, use some of the exact same words to speak life back into me when I counted my purpose dead...lifeless.

He is El Roi, the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13), and my friend, if He sees Hagar in her distress, and He sees me in mine, He sees you in yours.

He knows your heart. He knows the number of hairs on your head. And He cares about you AND your feelings...even if they are liars.

He WANTS to comfort you. Reach out to Him, even when you don't FEEL like it.

Cast all your anxiety on Him,

because He cares about you.

1 Peter 5:7

Throw your burdens far from you, and cast them on the shoulders of our almighty God because He loves you, He cares about you, and He SEES you.

Wrestling with the Rock

Have you ever experienced seasons that were marked by sheer frustration? Where, no matter what you did, it felt like nothing was right? Nothing was good enough? YOU weren't good enough?

That's where I've been recently.

So much so, in fact, that I recently cried my eyes out...on facebook...LIVE.

The entire world was reeling over the results of an extremely divisive election. There were protests and pain...and I was crying because I felt like a failure, which made me feel even more embarrassed and ashamed.

However, I truly believe God wanted me to share that moment of raw frustration. I think he wanted me, and you, to remember it. To give me a very real and tangible reminder that says, "This is the place from which I brought you."

That little facebook tear-session was preceded fervent prayer...and the struggle continued on.

Days later, I wrote down multiple scriptures about discouragement and prayed them back to God. This one, in particular struck a chord:

Why I am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again-

my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember you-

even from distant Mount Herman,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas

as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

Psalm 42:11

I love how our God works, how He goes before us to give us exactly what we need. 

On the day I bookmarked this passage with the label "discourgement," God knew the day (or days) when I would need it the most. When I wrote my last post, God knew He was preparing me for this one.

He is so awesome, and so mighty. I am in awe.

After reading that verse, I knew what I needed to do - I needed to praise Him again. I needed to sing His songs. So, even through tears, I wrote a list of what had me so discouraged, and then next to it, why I could actually be grateful.

This was one of them:

Discouraged by...the feeling that my writing, and my ministry as a writer, is not progressing. 

Grateful for...giving me this gift that may need development, but that I LOVE to share.

Each bit of discouragement I wrote down could be turned into a praise to the Lord Most High, but it was THIS last one that led to my next breakthrough: scripture Josiah spoke over me just the night before, when he saw my discouragement, laid his hand on my back, prayed over me, and said, "God showed me this and it reminds me so much of you."

Let no one despise your youth;

instead, you should be an example to the believers

in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

Until I come, give your attention to public reading, exhortation, and teaching.

Do not neglect the gift that is in you;

it was given to you through prophecy,

with the laying on of hands by the council of the elders.

Practice these things;

be committed to them,

so that your progress may be evident to all.

Pay close attention to your life and your teaching;

persevere in these things,

for by doing this you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Timothy 4:12-16

Even now, reading this verse again, my heart overflows and spills down my cheeks.

After reading it again and copying it down, continued to pray and I continued to cry, and I vowed to God I would be faithful in sharing my progress, no matter how dirty it is or how clumsy I feel in it...because He had spoken through Josiah.

That very day, God blessed me in so many ways, showing me how He was working all things out for my good.

A couple days later, I looked back at the notes I took on that day, and the chaos in them struck me. There was a list of people I was praying for. Underneath those names was my discouragement vs. gratefulness list. Then all around the page, at the top and the sides, I had scrawled out the scripture from Timothy.

It was pretty. It wasn't neat. I had been wrestling with God. And I thought of Jacob.

This is actually a blurred picture of my notes from that day...blurred to protect prayer requests.
But I think the chaos in them is still quite evident.

Let me me totally transparent here: I've never really understood this part of Jacob's story. He wrestled with an angel all night and wouldn't let him go until he gave him a blessing...so He was called Israel because he fought with God and won.

What the what?! Also, can we just note how Jacob was really good at manipulating the blessings? He deceived to get one from his father and physically FOUGHT to get one from God. Sheisty,

So I looked back on this story and to investigate further, I read a great post by Jon Bloom on desiringgod.com, and this stuck out to me: 

When God makes us wrestle for some blessing(s), is is not because He is reluctant to bless us, even if that's how it first feels. It is because he has more blessings for us in the wrestling than without it.

Jacob was about to encounter his brother Esau. When he last saw him, Esau wanted to kill him for tricking him out of his birthright and stealing his father's blessing. And now...Esau was on his way to meet him.

Save me, I pray,

from the hand of my brother Esau,

for I am afraid he will come and attack me,

and also the mothers with their children.

Genesis 32:11

Jacob was scared for his life and for the lives of his wives and children. He cried out to God for rescue...and God sent him a wrestler.

Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.

When the man saw that he could not defeat him,

He struck Jacob's hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip.

Then he said to Jacob, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."

But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

"What is your name?" the man asked.

"Jacob," he replied.

"Your name will no longer be Jacob," He said.

"It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men

and you have prevailed."

Genesis 32:24-28

Many texts read that "the man" was an angel, particularly in light of the fact that he said Jacob had wrestled with God. Then, Jacob named the place this occurred Peniel, which means Face of God because he had seen the face of God and survived.

So Jacob wrestled with God. He came out with a bad hip, but with God's blessing. Physically weaker from the battle, but blessed beyond measure - more dependent on God than ever for his deliverance, but stronger because of it.

Oh, what a sweet picture of our walk with Jesus!

Like Jacob, I wrestled with God for days in my discouragement. I toiled in prayer and proclaimed His Word. I cried out to Him, and then I made my best effort to thank Him, and He is so faithful: He blessed me.

Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God

and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

Then call on me when you are in trouble,

and I will rescue you,

and you will give me glory.

Psalm 50:14-15

Thankfulness can feel like a huge sacrifice: when you're hurting and scared and more than willing to wallow in your own misery. Sometimes, eeking out thankfulness can be the hardest thing we can do, and it gets harder with the severity of the circumstances.

But God say,s when we sacrifice our pride and self-centeredness, and we concentrate on praising Him for all He is and all He has done, then when we call on Him, He will save us...and we will give HIM glory.

To be completely frank, I feel like this is one horrifyingly disjointed post. Right on the heels of a post that my sweet sis-in-law called her new favorite, that she praised for being so highly organized, comes this one, halting and messy.

But I didn't know how to share it any other way.

Wrestling is messy. Wrestling hurts and it's hard. It's not neat and it's certainly not organized.

This is my story of God blessing me in the wrestling. It's real and rough and raw, but I pray it brings God glory.

And I also pray the next time you're struggling through anything, big or small, of live-changing significance or just the overwhelmingly mundane tasks of life, that you will remember Jacob, and you will wrestle. I pray you through yourself into the battle, knowing if you hold on long enough and praise Him through it, He will bless you in it.

That is my blessing for you, my friends.

Walking in the Dark

Last Saturday night, Josiah and I made the decision to walk to church. It was a beautiful night, and he and Phinehas ran ahead because Phin says he's "super fast." It was pretty darn adorable.

On the way home, however, it was dark. We took the back way home, and parts of the walk were just about pitch black.

He was no longer thrilled by the adventure.

He whimpered a little and said, "Daddy, I can't find our house! I can't find it!"

Josiah took his hand and guided him home. When we got close, though, and Phinehas finally recognized our house, he let go of his daddy's hand and ran to take a shortcut, tripped on the curb, and fell flat on his face.

Don't worry...he's okay (the new house has some pretty stellar, cushy grass).

He quickly scrambled up, again scared by the dark. But Josiah called to him, he found his daddy, and they walked to the house.

This little display was right on the heels of a sermon on Peter's response to Jesus walking on the water...and I immediately saw the connection.

And Peter answered him,

“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”

He said, “Come.”

So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus.

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid,

and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me."

Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him,

saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

And those in the boat worshiped him, saying,

“Truly you are the Son of God.”

Matthew 14:28-33 (ESV)

• Phinehas stepped out into the dark. He let his father lead him, but then he got distracted, tried to take a shortcut, and fell. He called out, and his father saved him.

• Peter stepped out of the boat. He followed Jesus's lead, but then he got distracted by his fear, looked at the wind instead of Jesus, and he began to fall. Peter cried out, and Jesus reached out and saved him. 

God calls us into the dark. He calls us out into the storm. He calls us to walk in circumstances only He can make successful.

Do you know what we do? We avoid it.

We tell God he's wrong. We ask to be the other disciples...the ones safe in the boat.

We SING about walking on the water, though, right?

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.

Let me walk upon the water,

wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

where my faith will be made stronger

in the presence of my savior.

(Hillsong UNITED, Oceans)

We sing about it, with loud voices and hands raised. But when it comes down to it, we're control freaks.

What if calling us out into the water means job loss, friend loss, discomfort, pain, hurt, abandonment...a presidential candidate you think is deplorable (pick your side-it matters little).

We want the growth that comes from God calling us, but we want to do it from the safety of the boat.

Then, if we DO embrace the calling, we sometimes lose sight of the Caller, and we fall.

• Maybe we get a little overexcited and let go of the Father's hand. We try to take a shortcut to our calling. We fall.

• Maybe we get overtaken by fear at the size of our obstacles, forgetting that we serve and Almighty God, and we let discouragement overtake us. We start to sink.

Either way, we take our eyes of the One who called us and we lose heart.

We err. We're human. But it isn't the screwing up that's really important...it's the calling out.

When he spoke about Peter's fear of the wind, Pastor Freddy said we "assign supernatural powers to the natural."

Wind and waves were nothing to Jesus. They had seen him calm them before, and in this narrative, he's even out taking a stroll in the storm. Jesus was not scared of the weather and waves.

However, I would say the converse is also true: we assign natural powers to the supernatural.

We forget how BIG God is. We forget He already knows we're going to fall.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

God already knows you're going to fall; He's trying to teach you how to respond to it.

Call out.

Reach Up.

I have fallen on my face quite a few times in my life, and I wish I could say my first response was to call out to God and seek His will. Instead, I've often tried to manipulate circumstances and solve the problem in my own power.

Like Peter, God has called me out into the storm to meet him, and I got out of the boat, lost sight of Him, and started to sink.

But instead of calling out to Him, I decided to try to dog paddle my way to safety.

But God is working on me. With each calling, and each fall, I'm learning to call out to the only One who I know has the power to save me. I'm learning to keep my heart soft and responsive to His voice...and His correction.

Where are you today, friend?

Are you in the middle of the storm, discouraged and scared because you've forgotten what a powerful God we serve?

Are you full of excitement for the adventure ahead, but so excited that you're trying to take shortcuts to get to the end result? Manipulating circumstances to bring a desired result? Are you asking for a fall?

Call on Him today. Lean in close and listen for His quiet voice. Let Him determine your steps and strengthen your resolve...correct your course.

It's not always fun or easy, but it's always worth it.

What did that opportunity cost?

Have you ever prayed for something, about something, and God answered in a way you never expected?

Within the past week, Josiah and I had an opportunity to invest in our business. It was a great opportunity, a worthy opportunity. However, it would have meant pushing a couple other important things aside in order to invest.

So, we did what we know we're supposed to do: we prayed about it and waited.

If any of you lacks wisdom,

let him ask God,

who gives generously to all without reproach,

and it will be given to him.

James 1:5

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

Psalm 130:5

I would LOVE to tell you that it is my natural inclination, or even a regular habit, to pray and then WAIT for God's answer. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Instead, often, it looks like me praying, and then, when I don't get struck by lightning immediately, I say, "Must be God's will!" and move forward with what I wanted. (We'll actually talk about that in my next post.)

This time, however, we were supernaturally assigned to waiting: we couldn't make the purchase until payday. 

First thing in the morning that day, I awoke with the intention of going through with it. God hadn't told me not to yet, and it had been days...so I was ready.

And then...

I looked on facebook, and I saw a friend's post about needing help in their ministry, Kindfund. They have homes for rescued and abandoned children in Kenya. Recently, two precious newborn babies were rescued and brought to them, but now they need to eat. Formula is $10 per can.

Right then, I knew what we needed to do. The Holy Spirit within me spoke, and I got the message loud and clear: God said "no" to my initial request and revealed His plan. Josiah agreed, and we moved forward on God's path.

I learned a big lesson here (or more appropriately, God spoke into an ongoing lesson): Prayer is a one-sided conversation. If you're not waiting for God's answer, then you're missing communication with Him.

However, there's another lesson to be learned here.

In the beginning of this post, I said we had an opportunity to invest in our business, and then God presented us an opportunity to invest in the lives of those little babies.

It may seem like it might be a no-brainer, but our business changes lives.

Therefore, what we were looking at were two very valid, worthy opportunities...but we could only choose one.

We chose supporting the babies. The business investment that we didn't choose, that is what's known as opportunity cost. 

Opportunity cost is an economic principle which states that any time you choose to spend money on something, there was another second best option that did NOT get chosen. That second, not-chosen option is called the opportunity cost.

In other words, your choice cost you that particular opportunity.

If you choose to buy pizza over salad, salad is the opportunity cost. If it's the other way around, the pizza is the opportunity cost. Very simple principle.

Notice, though, that the principle can be applied not just to purchases, but to choices we make about other valuable commodities, like time and energy.

When we consume food, we make choices like the one above: pizza or salad. If you're like me, you're probably screaming, "Pizza AND salad! Duh." However, for the sake of this example let's just assume we have to choose.

Water or soda.

Cookies or fruit.

Cleaning or binge watching.

Scrolling on facebook or paying attention to the people around me.

OUCH! That last one was for me. Actually, they all are.

We make choices every, single day, and you want to know the really scary part? Often we are blind to the choices we're making. We simply do things because that's what we've always done.

• We can't find time to workout, but we can find an hour to watch TV or play online.
• We can't find the money to buy healthy food, but we've hit up Mickey D's and Starbucks a few times each this month.
• We can't find time to spend with Jesus, but we can find time to rail about the election on facebook.

These things might sting. I know they hit me pretty hard.

God has been revealing a lot to me as I considered this blog post over the last few days. In various ways, he has opened my eyes to some choices I'm making that I'm really not proud of. 

The opportunity cost is high. I'm sacrificing some very important things by investing time, money, and energy into some others that really just don't matter.

This is not just to make you feel guilty or tell you what to do because...

• Sometimes, I'm going to invest in my business instead of a charity because it's the right thing to do.
• Sometimes, I'm going to chill out and rest instead of laboring constantly because rest is good, and it's the right thing to do.
• And sometimes, I'm going to eat the dang cake, cuz mmmmm, cake is good. 

I'm not here to judge your choices. I've got enough of my own junk, thank you. Nevertheless, I am asking you to prayerfully consider your choices. Speak to God about them. And then, wait for the answer. 

If you're a Christian, then you have made Jesus your LORD and Savior. A lot of us really like the salvation part, but we conveniently forget about the "Lord." 

lord: a person who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler (dictionary.com)

Let Jesus be your Lord today. If there's an area of your life you feel you're struggling in, talk to Him about it, but don't just ask Him to save you from it. Ask Him if you're maybe making some choices that are contributing to it.

Let Him decide!

Who Are You?

I've noticed over the past year, this blog is becoming less about my life under construction, and much more about me under construction. God has slowly been working on revealing my identity.

Just over a year ago, God taught both Josiah and I powerful lessons on how He wanted us to communicate and what our roles were in our marriage. We wrote a whole series on it last November called Marriage Renovations.

Then, God did the unthinkable and asked me to be more purposefully feminine, partially by changing my entire wardrobe. You can read about that here. I'm still a little salty about that one. It was smack dab in the middle of hoodie season!! I'm adjusting...slowly.

In recent months, God has exposed me to some people, particularly some women, who are powerful prayer warriors.

When they pray, you can tell they aren't just speaking casually with God or speaking for the benefit of the people in the room; they have a powerful connection with Him. They are speaking TO Him...and He is speaking THROUGH them.

I want that. I want to connect with God like that! But somehow, I can't quite connect....

However, God has also been revealing to me that my spiritual disconnect is probably directly related to my lack of one-on-one time with Him. I read my Bible every day (or just about every day) and I pray, but it's hardly without distraction. It normally looks something like this:

But if Jesus is supposed to be our example, then his prayer time looked like this:

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

Luke 5:16

Jesus OFTEN WITHDREW to LONELY PLACES and PRAYED.

I try to make excuses about my prayer life because of my "season" and the little people who wake up really early and follow me around. But let's face it: if Jesus can get away from the throngs of thousands who followed him and hung on his every word, I can probably find a few minutes away from my six. Just saying.

Last Sunday night I had an opportunity to be alone and just pray. Just me and God and a good bit of silence.

I poured my heart out to Him. I told Him I wanted to know Him more. I told Him I wanted a more intimate relationship with Him.

Then, I told Him I was going to be quiet and wait. I was going to just shut up and listen for a while.

And God spoke.

He said, "How are you supposed to get to know Me more when you won't even acknowledge who YOU are? Who I made you to be?"

Touche, God. Touche.

So, I thought about that. Who am I?

Called. Child of God. Daughter of the One True King. Adopted. Loved. Conqueror. 

But that's what He calls every Christian. I wanted God to tell me who He wanted ME to be. Who does God say Alissa is?

He answered:

1. Feminine
2. Joy
3. Light
4. Bold
5. Confident
6. Perseverant 

Interesting. 

Then, I was reminded of  a conversation earlier in the week where a friend told me God was calling her to be more like her name. In the Bible, she said, God was very specific about names. He knows our names. He has always known them.

So, I thought about my name.

Alissa is derived from Alice. Alice means "noble." I've known that forever. It isn't a surprise, and didn't mean much to me...at the time. 

Until I decided to look up my middle name: Shea. Then, a picture started forming.

Depending upon the source you look at, Shea means "majestic" or "stately."

      Noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.

      Majestic: having or showing impressive beauty or dignity

      Stately: having a dignified, unhurried, and grand manner; majestic in manner or appearance

Uh oh, I thought. This sounds scary.

As I looked into the synonyms for each of these descriptions, certain words stood out to me: 

      Noble: righteous, virtuous, good, honorable, moral, ethical...

      Majestic: dignified, distinguished, august, statuesque...

      Stately: regal, slow-moving, measured, deliberate...

*deep breath*

These words painted a beautiful picture for me. A picture of a princess...one who has been groomed to assume the king's power. 

She is humble, but powerful; righteous, yet merciful; dignified, but kind.

She is me...well, the me I want to be: the me God wants me to be.

She is clothed in strength and dignity;

she can laugh at the days to come

Proverbs 31:25

Up until now, I've considered myself to be far more the court jester than royalty. I bumble and fumble and apologize all the time.

I disqualify myself, forgetting that He who sent me is IN me, and He is more than qualified.

My name is a derivative of Alice. If you have seen the more recent Alice in Wonderland, she spends much of the movie being the wrong Alice. Or not hardly Alice. Or almost Alice. She has to discover who Alice is before she can go on to slay the jabberwocky.

She has to know who she is before she can go on to fulfill her purpose.

I've been praying for God to tell me what He wants me to do, but I couldn't get there.

I lost my muchness.

I was the wrong Alissa. And then not hardly Alissa. And now...I'm almost Alissa.

I won't be many of these wonderful things overnight, and I'm sure I'll fail quite often. I pray those of you witnessing the transition will offer me both accountability and grace.

It's a frightening endeavor, but most things worth accomplishing are.

Who has God called YOU to be? He knows you; He knows your name. You are not an accident, and you have a purpose, but you might need to figure out who you are before you move on to what you should do.

Who...are...you?

We're Breaking Up: Kicking Out Self-Doubt

"Being prideful isn't thinking too much of oneself,

but thinking of oneself too much."

I don't know who said this, but whomever it was speaks truth.

Anyone who knows me well (or has read this blog at all) probably knows me and and Self-Doubt are the best of frienemies. I try pretty hard to ditch her, but somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I cling to her. I'm a toddler clutching my filthy, ragged blanky; it's disgusting, but comforting.

Sometimes, I forget she's hanging out, but then, mostly when changing hormones are involved, she makes her presence known, like the wallflower at the party who turns into the screaming, crying drunk.

Most recently, this self-doubt has been connected to my business.

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a promoter for a direct marketing company. It has changed and continues to change my life and health and promoting for them is what allows me to stay at home AND keep our budget in the black.

It sounds like I'm successful, but I never really feel that way. Here's the deal, and what I cried about to poor Josiah last night: because I've found a modicum of success in this beautiful direct sales business, it's made me "a leader."

I have a team...a team I'm supposed to be leading to success...a team I'm supposed to encourage toward their own success. In this area...in leading my team...I feel like a constant failure. I have since the beginning.

I feel like a fraud.

I spilled all of this to Josiah last night. He reminded me of a few things, and then today, by the morning light, it all kind of came together.

I AM a leader because I'm doing my best with what God gave me.

That's what I encourage in my team, right? I encourage them to do what they're capable of doing. Why do I expect anything differently from myself?

I look at other leaders in the company and compare my success with theirs, but they aren't me. God didn't put me in their shoes; he put me in mine, and these are the ones in which I am destined to walk.

I love the company, the products, and the founders, but also...

• I am a mother of SIX children: one in college, one navigating the beginning of her teen years, one caught somewhere between funny little boy and learning to be a man, two rambunctious toddlers, and a sweet infant.
• I am a homeschool teacher.
• I am a wife who loves her husband fiercely and passionately and tries desperately to make him and our home a priority.
• I am a friend.
• I am a woman of God.

Here, in the life God gave me, in all these things, I am a LEADER simply because that's who God made me to be.

My leadership just looks different than other leaders in the company...and I need to come to a place where I can be okay with that.

I seek His will and His wisdom each and every day. I try to do my best to "grow my business," but at some point, I have to trust that if I plant the seeds, He will water the garden and bring in the harvest. 

He's the one in control.

There are those in the industry who are praised for "hitting numbers" and letting other things in life slide. If I'm being totally honest, that's what my first couple months in the business looked like because they HAD to. God put the opportunity in my path and a fire in my heart to help people and to help my family, and that sucker BLAZED.

The fire is still there, but now it's a steady, controlled burn...the only kind I can have and still maintain my home and family.

We all have to set our priorities. Mine look like this:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Business

I will still continue to work on my business daily because I BELIEVE in it...but I also believe God made me a girl with a lot of hats, and I need to make sure I'm ordering my life accordingly.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

The Bible says if I acknowledge HIM in all my ways, then He'll keep me on the right path. Therefore, that's what I'm committing to do. I'm going to try my hardest and just trust that if I'm moving in the wrong direction, He'll let me know.

Whenever you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

So, Self-Doubt, today I'm rejecting you. We're breaking up. It's just not working out.

If you're on my team, please know I LOVE YOU. You may not hear from me as often as some of the other leaders, but I pray for you often. I will do anything I can for you, to help and inspire you, whether that's business encouragement or you just need a friend or a prayer. If you need me, please let me know!!

I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, AND a leader. In all these things, I choose to THRIVE.