Marriage renovations: Demo Day HIS Way

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project.

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

Today, Josiah discusses how demo went down for HIM. You can catch up on what's already been written here:

Marriage Renovations: Intro
Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Josiah Style

Traditionally, from the male perspective, this is the most wonderful part of any construction job.

The reason?

Tear it up. Break it down. Don't bother being careful. Yeah, there may be some bloody knuckles, some splinters, a nail or two that may have broken skin somewhere...but who cares. You get to see change, and you get to see it quick!

Seriously. Just ask me to pick up a sledgehammer, or jack, or a saw... Something. Please. Just give me something. That, and point at a wall, a floor...name it.

Know what's not as fun?

Self-demo.

I don't feel like this is a feeling that occurred at a specific moment, but there is a moment when it came to a head.

A couple weeks ago Alissa and I had gone on a trip to Cape Charles, Virginia in order to try to spend some time with some other couples in our church and solidify the vision and future of the marriage ministry there.

The weekend was supposed to have been a weekend to build. To design. To build a foundation and a structure that could withstand the winds of any oncoming storm.

God had a similar vision, but not on what we had planned.

First, some walls had to come down.

After a pained morning where Alissa and I had a passionate conversation about the lack of leadership from men in general in the church, why I felt that was, and what in the world to do about it, we made our way back to the house in order to start breakfast.

I tried to breach the subject of how to involve men. Not just in the marriage ministry, but in marriage: to be mentors, to reach out and to teach other men HOW to lead, because I don't feel like discipleship is a strength in American churches today.

My wife made an effort to extend my point further of how we leave men behind because ministry towards men is typically geared only to the stereotypical man.

You know, the sportsman.

For guys into football, golf, basketball, baseball, hunting, camping, etc.

But what about the executives? The musicians? The computer whizzes? The car guys?

This is the point my wife was desperately trying to make, that we had both made on our walk...that men aren't doing a good job and training other men, and we are leaving far too many men behind.

The key word in the prior statement is try. She didn't. She wasn't able to. She was interrupted.

My wife's goal at furthering a point I had made about men desperately needing each other to teach other how to be men was thwarted.

It was mistaken as condescension.

In that moment, two things happened. I was taken by surprise, as was my wife, and my wife broke down.

I did not rise to defend her. I sat idly by, in portion, due to being caught off guard, but also in part because I know my wife is capable of verbally defending herself.

What I didn't recognize at the time was I totally missed my queue.

Has anyone seen my shining armor? I seem to have left it somewhere.

This isn't the first time we really had an issue where she felt (accurately) that I had failed to come to her aid and left her to fend for herself.

The problem is, that really did leave her in a place where she was vulnerable, and it hit her like a brick wall.

Knowing I had failed her, I felt inadequate.

It wasn't a good feeling. It felt more like a demolition derby with me being the constant focus than taking out my frustration on some ill-fated wall.

This highlights the biggest issue I've been facing:

Figuring out how to lead.

If there's one thing I'm usually pretty good at, it's recognizing my shortcomings. Honestly, I don't always handle them in the way I should, but I recognize them. Well, most of them.

I have a lot of them, and usually where I lack, Alissa does a fantastic job of making up for them.

For those of you who know me, I'm usually fairly quiet unless I've got something that's a bit on the sarcastic side that pops into my mind, or if I can make a fairly concise point. I am not one to wax poetic, nor to really say much outside of the lines of what I feel MUST be said.

Maybe my point kind of comes across already because most of you already know my wife, the eager volunteer and social butterfly.

These are two things that I absolutely adore in Alissa, but couldn't be any further who I am.

I HAVE to change, and in order to do that I needed to have a breakthrough.

As God would have it, much like some of the best reasons anyone could hope to face any demolition, it was because it was time to outgrow where I had made my home.

Second, because it was the best possible investment I could possibly make.

Demolition had been done, it was time for the next phase....

Stay tuned!

Marriage Renovations: Demo Day HER Way

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

In this series, Josiah and I are talking about the "renovations" God has recently made in our marriage, and how to negotiate your own marital renovation project. (If you missed the intro to the series, you can find it here.)

When you're building from scratch, you start with the foundation and build up. In a Christian marriage, the foundation is Jesus Christ. He is the cornerstone. He is the rock you build on.

Josiah and I had this part already, praise God. (If you don't, but you'd like to know how, get with us!)

Nevertheless, even when you've built on a strong foundation, and you sincerely love your home, there are times when you need to do renovations.

This is a hardhat area, folks. Strongholds are falling.

PHASE 1: Demolition - Alissa Style

Demo day is Chip Gaines favorite day on one of our favorite shows,  Fixer Upper. I think most guys like to tear stuff up. It starts at a young age, when they build towers just to knock them down.

In marriage renovations, though, demo isn't really fun for anybody. It's messy and hard, and if you're not careful, you can wreck stuff you didn't mean to touch. Here, Josiah and I will tell the story of how the demo went down in our own marriage renovations from each of our perspectives.

Demo day started for me before it did Josiah, I think. In the past year, Josiah and I have started a marriage ministry at our church, with me sort of at the helm, and Josiah as a support. But, as with any new project, there are a lot of lessons to be learned. 

We brought in new leadership to help us restructure and build, but as the process began and continued, I started to feel "beaten up." Over the last year I had done everything I could to build in every way I could, to communicate with as many people as possible, to really reach the marriages in our church.

I tried my best to take each criticism constructively, but more and more I just felt criticized...like everything I had worked so hard to do, everything I had prayerfully and painstakingly undertaken, had been for naught...because I'd done it all wrong.

This came to a climax at a leadership retreat we planned for the ministry. We went to a beautiful, old house in Cape Charles. I had hopes of the team bonding as we got to know one another and really solidifying our mission for the ministry, as well as our individual roles. My hopes didn't last long. 

The male halves of the couples who came are already invested in other ministries within the church, so while they were willing to support their wives in the marriage ministry, they couldn't be on the front lines, so to speak.

I understood, of course. How many times have I talked to people about being overextended? I know what that's like and it's not something God wants of us. But it still sat heavy on my heart.

Our last morning there, after Josiah and I discussed things on a walk, we all discussed the need for more men's discipleship, and then...the misunderstanding occurred. I won't go into the details, but I felt attacked and demeaned...in front of my husband and the whole team I called together. 

I was humiliated.

So, I did what any (girl) person might do when that happens: I cried all over my breakfast. I deflated and sobbed...and then made an impassioned speech. That's kind of how I roll.

If I wasn't doing it right, I begged a man at the table to rise up and take my place. I begged each of them to communicate with the men of our church for me because I, apparently, wasn't doing it right, and I'd gladly step aside to let one of their own do a better job.

I'm nothing if not awkward.

After gathering myself, the talk of men's discipleship continued, and I was grateful, but even after we left, I couldn't shake the feeling of humiliation. I just kept crying.

I cried at lunch on the way home. I cried when we got home. I cried the next day with my friend JoAnn (who went with us to Cape Charles). I cried later in the day, too. I cried just like Alice, until I just knew I'd eventually float away in a river of my own tears.

And then...then I attacked Josiah. I told him I couldn't do marriage ministry anymore. I was tired of leading the way. I was doing the best to climb the hill, but every challenge or attack that rolled down was hitting me square in the face. 

Paul said he could do anything God wanted him to do through Christ who gave him strength. That's true, as long as you're in God's will. However, I had no strength left, with Christ or without, so I could only conclude I was out of His will.

I was ready to let it all go. I was broken and tired. I was demolished.

In the Christian life, demolition looks like “trials.” That's what we have a tendency to call them because that's what the Bible calls them.

Trials, persecution, testing...but it often feels like God is taking a sledgehammer to your heart and to your life. It feels like he's ripping your heart out of your chest, and you just can't see through the wreckage to something beautiful.

James 1:2-4 tells us to:

Consider it great joy...whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Let perseverance finish its work so you may be mature and complete,

not lacking anything.

There are those words again: trials and testing. It's demo, ya'll, and God never does it in our lives for fun. He will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5). He has a purpose for your suffering, and if you'll trust Him, lean on Him, and seek Him, He will build something beautiful in your life.

But that's the next part of the story....

Marriage Renovations : Series Intro

Photo credit: mikeg1968 Etsy Shop

Have you ever seen the show Fixer Upper? We love that show.

I have actually considered moving to Plano, Texas just so Chip and Joanna Gaines can find us a FABULOUS deal on a beautiful, old Victorian, and I can walk in with that sucker painted, decorated, and amazing. Done deal.

However, in real life, it's never that simple. Once you choose a house and make that commitment, the investment doesn't just stop. Perpetual maintenance is necessary in order to keep the house in good condition: cleaning, yard work, painting. It's unending.

If you want to improve the property, then sometimes, you need to renovate - NOT for the faint of heart. 

Renovations are often dirty, tricky, difficult projects. The end result is beautiful, but most of the time you just want to give up in the middle. I can't wait for my new kitchen! becomes I don't really need plumbing, right? At some point, people lived without plumbing, with dirt floors. It'll be good for the kids to experience that. 

Nevertheless, if you trudge on and do the job right, the result is quite often breathtaking, completely worth the effort.

Recently, Josiah and I underwent a renovation stage in our marriage. It was dirty, I cried a lot, and most of the time, I just didn't understand the plan, but when it was over...MAN. I love our new "space." 

I am so indescribably grateful for the pain because the new wisdom and peace we have, about one another and just, in general, is priceless. 

Thus, in true Life Under Construction form, we've decided to take you step-by-step through our marriage renovation.

Yes, I said we. 

Josiah has very graciously volunteered to share his perspective of the renovations, as well because, as non-PC as it may be, men are different. They see differently. They feel differently. And that's okay. MORE than okay, actually; it's how God designed us.

So, over the next week, we will be bringing you a blog series on Marriage Renovations: how ours went down, what we learned, and some tips on navigating your own. Each phase (Demolition, Blueprints, and Rebuilding) will have TWO posts...one from me and one from Josiah.

Stay tuned!

The Wonder Years

Do you remember that show? The Wonder Years? 

I loved that show. I think the whole world did. Watching to see how Kevin would evolve. Would he ever get with Winnie Cooper? When he finally did, would they stay together? Would she ever stop whining? Would he embrace the quirks of his sweet, Jewish friend (whose name I don't remember), or would he cave to peer pressure?

Oh, the angst!!

If I remember correctly (and google says I do), then the show was narrated by an older, wiser Kevin. It was him looking back on The Wonder Years of his life.

The Wonder Years.

The other night, we got together with my friend, Chad, and his wife, Brandi. He and I graduated from high school together, although we didn't actually know one another in high school. We became friends only in recent years. 

That evening, he was preparing to play sax with our old high school band for their homecoming game the next night. The alumni musicians were invited to take part in the homecoming festivities, and you could tell he was really stoked about going to play with them (his brother also directs the band now, which is pretty cool).

"Come cheer on your old alma mater!" he said.

Instantly, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It rose up quickly and unexpectedly, so of course, I tried to force it back down to the depths from whence it came. And of course, everything I feel is almost immediately discernible on my face, so he quickly amended his statement to, "Or, come cheer on that place you went to school for a little while."

I was so grateful I couldn't go. I had plans with my oldest daughter last night. "Sorry. Can't make it!" I was relieved. 

The feeling crept back up last night as I went to pick up our other daughter from a youth S'mores night event. 

I drove the back way from Josiah's parents' house to the youth pastor's house, which passes somewhere behind the old stadium. I couldn't see it from where I was, but the sound of the crowd and the band erupted while I was at an intersection. And for a second my heart stopped. 

I crammed that feeling back down, said a prayer, and moved on.

It was only after talking to my sweet, younger daughter in our driveway, almost a teenager herself, that I figured out why I couldn't get rid of that feeling.

Emily is hurt and angry by a situation in her life, and rightfully so, but I begged her to try to give that over to God. I begged her to continue to pray about it, to pray that God would allow her to forgive because, if she didn't, that anger would become bitterness.

It leaves a hole.

And then I told her. I told her all about my hole.

I told her about the hole I had inside me in high school. Mine was caused by hurt and loneliness, not anger, but it was a hole all the same.

In that moment, I saw myself back in high school. Smiling, radiant...broken.

I was an awkward kid, especially once I hit middle school. I was chunky and weird. I was a year younger than everyone else, and I desperately sought approval in the weirdest ways possible, which of course, made me the easiest target for any bully. My years in middle school in Lynchburg were scarring, and I was more than happy when we finally moved to Amherst, VA in my 8th grade year.

I got to leave my past behind.

In Amherst, things were a little better. I was still a little chunky and desperately wanted approval, but it was a chance to reinvent myself. I made new friends, but I still got teased by the popular kids. Some things don't change.

I moved up to Amherst High and made even more new friends. I was getting involved in Theater and became a member of the Thespians' Honor Society. Then, it was time to move again. This time the move crushed me more. I was really getting attached. Nevertheless, it was another chance to reinvent. To become new.

I got to leave my past behind.

Coral Springs, FL was great. I met one of the best friends I've ever had there...one of those friends that teaches you that you can be completely opposite and still find common ground. My grades slipped a little because my social life took an upward swing. I had a great church. I had my first kiss (which was AWFUL). I dated for the first times in my life. Boys liked me...and I desperately needed boys to like me.

It was in Coral Springs that I was baptized. I had known Jesus my whole life, but I decided to dedicate my life to him...though I didn't know what that meant at the time. 

But then I came home from Mission Tour with our youth group one summer night, and my mom told me we were leaving. She and my dad were separating, and we were moving to Virginia. I had been part of the drama department and show choir, and had a lot of friends...but they all got left behind. My youth group quickly set up a goodbye party for me, and I was gone within a couple days. 

Once again, I left my past behind.

I came into Denbigh High School the first day of my Junior year. The only person I knew was the lifeguard from our apartment complex: a boy who was nice to me over the summer, but pretended like he didn't know me when he walked into the first period English class we shared.

Like my other schools, I made Denbigh my own...sort of. I became a part of the telecommunications crew, and I cheered my senior year (and lost my virginity somewhere in between). No matter where I went, I seemed to be kind of an outcast. I was the new cheerleader in a crew that had known one another since the beginning of time (or so it seemed). By telecom friends were close, but even they seemed to alternately accept and reject me.

I had a hole...deep in me. I knew Jesus, but I didn't understand having a relationship with him, so in one hand I held him, while I tried to stuff other things in the hole, which consequently, grew larger and larger.

I was a hurting little girl just trying to feel loved. I felt constantly rejected, and I just wanted so much to be loved, so I tried to cram the hole in my soul with people who might love me instead of the one man who has ever walked this earth who could love me perfectly: my savior.

High school, for me, holds a lot of fond memories of a lot of people I still love. But it also holds a dumpster-ful of hurt, rejection, and emptiness. 

And as I looked at that beautiful girl last night, sitting next to me in the car, eyes brimming with tears, I saw my teenage self and I begged God to let her see her true value. I begged Him to let her find her value in who she was in Him. And I begged her to pour all her hurts onto her Savior because He's the only one who can heal them fully.

My heart cries out to God for her, but also, I think, for me. Apparently, there are some holes left in me that I haven't filled yet. Some places where I still hurt and have room for healing. 

I am not the little girl I once was. God has healed me and forgiven me of so much. I've learned, as I find those holes that still exist, to open them up to Jesus by pouring my hurt, anger, and loneliness out to Him, and then He comes in and fills my holes in the way only He can.

God knew I needed this run-in with The Wonder Years. I needed to see my old self again. Sometimes, I mourn lost youth and beauty. I see the girl in these pictures and part of me longs to be that girl again, especially to look like her.

But, as wrinkles and white hair begin to show, I'm reminded that these may not be the beautiful marks of youth, but they can be the beautiful marks of wisdom and knowledge.

I wouldn't trade the gift of the wisdom I've gained in the last nineteen years (or, particularly, the last five) for anything - not even to look like this again. 

My body and face are aging, but my heart is new and clean because I've learned to embrace the love of my Savior. Praise God, His mercies are new each morning (Lamentations 3:23).

So, my prayer today - for me, for you, for sweet Emily - is this:

I pray that [God] may grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, and that the Messiah may dwell in your hearts through faith. [I pray that] you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend, with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God's love, and to know the Messiah's love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be FILLED with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19)

I know how insanely long this post is today. If you've made it this far, I both thank you and applaud you. If you have holes to fill today, I pray that you'll run into His arms and let his love fill them. If you have questions on how to do that, let me know...we'll walk through it together.

Sharing is Caring

Hormones, marriage, finances, injuries, difficult personalities....

Sometimes, God gives us problems so we can develop our spiritual muscles to get through them. SO many times the Bible tells us to take joy in our trials!

Consider it great joy, my brothers, whenever you face various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work,

so that you might be mature and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4

Often, after the trial is over, I've often found myself praising God for it because He taught me something new and brought me closer to Him. That's what this blog is all about, right? I learn a lesson in life and share it with the world wide web!

This is no exception...God has taught me something new: I've got to share even when I'm still ugly. 

Hang in there; I'll explain. 

What I normally do, both on this blog and in my personal life, is share my experiences when I've already processed them, when I can make them pretty and tie a bow on them and present them to the world. In other words, I present my struggles in the past tense.

Recently, however, I've really been astounded at how much MORE God can use me when I reach out even when my world is upside down...when I'm coated in tears and snot and feel like I have "hormonal nightmare" tattooed on my forehead. 

It's one thing to be entirely real and transparent in the past tense, when you already have it all figured out, but it takes true vulnerability to reach out to others in the middle of the mess. 

First, God speaks to us sometimes through other Christians. Therefore, if I seek their comfort, wisdom, and guidance IN the situation, then I am opening myself for God to speak to me through them. This is a huge blessing for me, obviously, but also a blessing for them! Believe me, being the conduit through whom God chooses to speak is such a huge deal. It doesn't happen every day, and is a gigantic blessing!

Second, it builds community. The Bible tells us we're supposed to commune with one another, confess our sins, and lift one another up. If I'm keeping all my junk to myself until I get it straight, then I'm not helping to build the community of believers. 

No one wants to open up to someone who already has everything figured out. If I've called you, crying and insecure, then when you're struggling, you'll feel like you can call me, too, right? By revealing myself to people close to me while I'm IN the mess, I can let them know that it's truly okay for them to do the same thing.

Finally, I've watched a domino effect happen in the last few weeks. As one friend gave me godly advice, God was able to build on it with another friend. Then, when I went to write the blog post about fear, it touched another friend exactly when she needed it most. As that continued to develop, I recorded a Periscope video, which changed the whole course of another friend's day. She, then, shared it with a bunch of her friends.

Do you see where I'm going here? Each time we share, both in the muck and after we've gone through it, we create a domino effect of blessings that reaches FAR beyond our sight. Who knows...maybe even into eternity.

So, today, if you're going through something, I'm going to ask it to share it with someone you trust. (That part is super important.) 

Pray about who God would have you share your burdens with. Maybe THEY can help you lay them down at the feet of the only one strong enough to carry them all, Jesus Christ.

If you don't think you have anyone, you're wrong. You have me. My email address is alissaandjosiah@yahoo.com. I would love to be there for you, just like others have been there for me!

Now...go share!

How do you "give your burdens" to God?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we have a MIGHTY God, and I LOVE how He works!!

A few days ago I wrote this blog post where I was just REALLY convicted by a friend: I was operating under a spirit of fear, not trust in a sovereign God.

A day or two after that, I found a reading plan on fear on YouVersion. In the first couple days, this was the verse:

Give your burdens to the Lord,

and he will take care of you.

He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

(Psalm 55:22)

When I read that, I saw a picture in my mind:

 I saw myself walking with Josiah (my studly, friendly giant of a husband) up a hill in the dark. I was asking him to help me, but I insisted on carrying a bunch of heavy boxes by myself. I couldn't see over the boxes and I kept tripping and falling. He wanted to carry them, but I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself.  

Then, I saw how the picture changed when I gave the boxes over to Josiah. He could carry them easily with one hand, and help guide me through the dark with the other.

Now, the difference here is, Josiah doesn't necessarily know the way, and his strength has its limits. But guess whose doesn't?! MY GOD!

Everything just became so startling clear. By carrying my fears, worries, and anxieties around, I am impeding my own progress! 

Later, I was talking to my sweet sis-in-love, Jamie, about this and she asked me the best question ever. She said, I'm not trying to be funny, but we, as Christians, always say, "just give your burdens to God," but what do you think that really looks like in our Christian walk?

She's right. We say these things sometimes, just quoting away, and we haven't really thought out completely what it LOOKS like in our lives. I could probably write multiple blog posts JUST on that: what the Scriptures actually look like when we walk them out (and I might!).

So when she asked me, I really paused to think about it...what DOES it look like to give all our burdens to God.

While thinking about it, God brought this scripture to mind:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -

his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

WOW!

I know this is a fairly common scripture to a lot of y'all, so I'm gonna break down how I see this as it applies to this topic.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world...

In our society, we wear business and worry like badges of honor, and apparently, I've made myself the self-proclaimed queen of that world, because I've been a SUPER busy worrier. But that's not what God wants. He doesn't want us to be busy worriers...He wants peaceful warriors. It's almost like, if we're really busy and worried, we add to our significance in this life, but that is such a hopeless perspective. As Christians, we should set our minds above the worries of this world!

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

This is SO unbelievably important! Our thoughts create pathways in our minds that get deeper and deeper based upon how frequent the thoughts are and the emotions we attach to them. So, if we're spending tons of time worrying, we're literally creating negative pathways in our brains that we will begin to traverse more and more often. 

Giving our burdens to God means renewing our minds...continuously.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Do you see where this is going??? Only AFTER we renew our minds, are we able to properly see the perfect will of God in our lives!!

Mind. Blown.

So, what does it look like in the Christian walk? Exactly what Paul said: take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Do you see where this is leading? We can't just hand a burden over to God once? We have to do it continually. We have to lean on God continuously...always thanking Him...praying without ceasing.

It all walks hand in hand.

Today, tomorrow, this week...as you walk through your days, try to be mindful of your thoughts. Whenever worry and anxiety creep in, RIGHT AWAY, pray. Ask God to help you hand it over.

And then...the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

I've got spirit! But is it the right one?

The last post I wrote was the day my Nana died. *sigh* I didn't realize that until just now. Fitting, though, since, when I was bawling my eyes out on my front porch yesterday, I wanted to call and talk to her SO BADLY. But of course, that's not possible...so more tears.

Ya'll God moved in my life and heart yesterday in a way that sinks way down deep into my core.

I have been struggling a lot lately. I can't seem to connect sometimes...a lot of the times. Not with the kids, Josiah, or even with God. I'm trying and PRAYING, but to no avail. 

It came to a head yesterday...thus, the boohooing on my front porch after SCREAMING at my kids, a scene that's been all too common this week. I've noticed that the angry episodes and inability to connect are getting worse, particularly, prior to and during my monthly cycles.

I contacted a friend who asked me to meet for lunch, and on the way, I returned a call to my upline, Wendy. We talked about business for a few minutes, and then I spilled my heart out to her. I told her about it getting worse around my period and because of that, I'm thinking about getting my Mirena IUD taken out. I started to go into why THAT scared me when she stopped me...COLD.

She told me about a friend who had Mirena, who had the exact same symptoms. She said the doctor told her there was NO way it could be the IUD, so they tested her for all kinds of things. Finally, she had it removed...and it righted a vast majority of her issues.

I knew immediately that's what I needed to do.

I started to tell her that, but I also told her I was REALLY scared because I'm afraid of getting pregnant again, which makes me feel even worse because I KNOW Josiah wants more babies if possible...but I don't know that I do. I mean...I would LOVE any baby I have, but ugh...mother of SIX?! I'm just terrified.

She stopped me again.

She said, (and I paraphrase), Alissa, I know you love God and how dedicated you are, but all I hear from you right now is a spirit of fear, not trust in our Sovereign God.

And oh...how I cried.

She's right. I knew it immediately, DEEP DOWN in my soul, I knew she was right. I am living with a foreign object in me that is wreaking havoc on my body because I don't trust God enough to give me the right amount of babies. I don't trust him to give me what I need to handle any situation he gives me.

Oddly, I wrote about this just over one year ago (you can read that here). I remembered as soon as she said it, and I felt peace...the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that you get when you truly hand your worries over to our Sovereign God.

Peace.

My friend I met for lunch confirmed some of the stuff she was telling me, and then I called another friend who did the same.

THIS, ya'll...this is why you just can't be a lone reed, drifting through this ugly, dark world. We need other like-minded and like-souled individuals to guide us, to show us where we're being blind to our own sins and failures...so we can grow.

I am so grateful.

Let it also be known, that I tell people to "just trust God" All. The. Time. Somewhere, deep in the recesses of my heart and mind, I knew what I was doing wrong, but sometimes it's so easy to turn a blind eye to our fears. 365 times the Bible tells us not to be afraid...and yet...I think it's what Christians, the people who should struggle the least, wrestle with most.

So, I'm going to to make an appointment to get this Mirena out. I don't know what's going to happen from there, but I know God will guide us and helps us, no matter what. It's a REALLY good feeling.

I urge you. Today...right this minute...take a look at what you're consumed with right now. What are you worried about? What can you not stop thinking about? What have you turned around a million different ways to find different outcomes?

Take whatever that is, and place it before God. Trust Him to handle it...and don't be like me. Don't snatch it back, assuming YOU can do a better job of handling it than the Creator of the universe.

Remind me of that, the next time I do it...and I'll do the same for you.