Got Wisdom?

A while back, a blog post formed in my mind, based upon a certain passage of Scripture: 

Who is wise and has understanding among you?

He should show his works by good conduct

with wisdom's gentleness.

But if you have bitter envy and

selfish ambition in your heart

don't brag and deny the truth.

Such wisdom does not come from above

but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

For where envy and selfish ambition exist,

there is disorder and evil of every kind.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, 

then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, 

full of mercy and good fruits, 

without favoritism or hypocrisy.

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace

by those who cultivate peace.

James 3:13-17

Powerful, right?

At the time, there were quite a few flare-ups on social media, and it made me so sad to see people posting Bible verses and memes about Jesus one minute, followed almost immediately by a vitriolic rant about politics, parenting methods, etc.

I though, these people NEED to hear this message.

Nevertheless, the post sat, lodged in the back of my brain, never feeling like the right time. The Holy Spirit within me was waiting...but for what?

He was waiting until I saw these people as this person. He knew MY lesson was coming.

Just recently, a situation spurred me to spew straight venom on my husband...repeatedly. It wasn't anything HE had done. I wasn't angry with him. However, because of the nature of the situation, he became a sounding board for my rage.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't nice. It certainly wasn't pretty. 

But now is the time to write this post. To break this scripture down and reveal the nature of true, godly wisdom...and it doesn't look anything like spewing venom.

First James asks who among you is wise? This is kind of a trick question, right? We're all pretty solid in our opinions and what we consider "common sense."

Ask any person on either side of the political divide which position has more wisdom, and I assure you, it will probably be his.

Then, he says, well, if you're wise, then prove it by exhibiting gentleness in your wisdom. That part is almost easy to overlook, right? What does that even mean? 

Well...he goes on. Ready to be convicted?

The next part is where I've always felt above the Scripture. When I go on my rants, it's not because I'm envious or have selfish ambition. Often, I'm defending someone or angry because I feel like someone is being wronged or taken advantage of. My indignation is RIGHTEOUS.

Bahaha. NO.

I'm going to break some of the Greek down here for you, and I'm really hoping you'll stick with me here because the outcome is pretty convicting.

When James uses the term bitter envy, the Greek is actually pikros zelos.

Pikros does mean bitter, but metaphorically it means harsh. So...let's keep that in mind.

The next term zelos looks familiar right? In a lot of the new testament it is translated as envy or jealousy, but in many others, the translation means zeal, and it's NOT a bad thing in the right context.

When Jesus purged the temple of evil just before his crucifixion, his disciples remembered a passage from Psalms that said, "Zeal for your house will consume me": zelos. (John 2:17)

In Romans 10:2, Paul references the Jews misguided zeal: zelos.

To the Corinthians, he speaks of godly sorrow leading to a long list of wonderful attributes, including zeal and justice: zelos. 

Add harsh or bitter  in front of that, and you basically get righteous indignation.

If you're ranting because you're envious of someone, that's bad...but your "harsh zeal," or RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION isn't good either.

And that's where I failed...miserably.

Furthermore, remember how I said I wasn't raving out of selfish ambition? I was wrong about that, too.

If you'll allow me to continue to nerd out on you, the Greek word there is eritheia: putting yourself forward, fractiousness, or partisanship.

Here's another verse where this word appears:

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,

but in humility consider others

as more important than yourselves.

Philippians 2:3

The word rivalry there...that's eritheia. It's putting yourself before and above others...like when you rant online (or to your husband) about other people or people groups.

Are you getting uncomfortable yet? If not, then maybe it's time to stop denying the truth, like James says, and get real. Because once you get uncomfortable...it gets worse. He goes on to say THAT kind of wisdom is DEMONIC. 

 I want to make sure you caught that: earthly, unspiritual, and DEMONIC.

Well...OUCH.

I don't know about you, but I'd sincerely like to be NOT demonic, so I'd like to move on to what godly wisdom looks like:

It's pure, without blemish or vanity.
It's peace-loving, seeking to bring unity, not divisiveness.
It's gentle and compliant, not harsh and defiant.
It's full of mercy.

I stopped right there because I really want to focus on that. When you are upset about something, and you just know you're right, are you FULL OF MERCY? 

Are you bestowing mercy and grace upon others that has been so lavishly and extravagantly poured out on you by our Heavenly Father through the blood of Christ?

Um...no. I know I haven't been.

So, I pray.

I wish I could tell you this conviction I've felt has led to immediate repentance, that I was instantly humble, but that would be a LIE.

Instead, I'm really wrestling in prayer because I keep coming back to, "BUT I'M RIGHT," and then I have to pray all over again because despite whether my position is right or wrong, my heart is in the wrong place...and that just makes me WRONG.

All glory to God; He is faithful. I have every confidence that He will work in my weakness to get my heart to the right place. I pray in my weakness His strength will shine, because I certainly cannot defeat this on my own.

I invite you to wrestle in prayer with me...heck, FOR me.

And maybe, just maybe, before you hit the paste or share button next time, take a few seconds to consider whether your post is peace-loving, gentle, and full of mercy.

If not, try praying for the people you're about to insult.
Pray for the fruits of the Spirit to shine through you.
Pray for the mercy and grace of God to flow through you.

And just don't hit the button. 

I assure you, I'll be doing the same thing.

Is it enough?

Generally, I like to have blog posts written in my head before I decide to share them with the world. This time, however, we're dealing with more of a jumble. At the suggestion of my dear friend, Alice, I've done a "brain dump" on paper, but it led to more and more questions.

So now...I'm bringing it all to you, dear internet. Make of it what you will. If you have answers, I'd love to hear them.

A couple months ago, I was driving along a nearby stretch of road. I've driven this road many times before and often marveled at the amount of churches that could lie along one roadway...it seems almost every Christian denomination imaginable is represented on this ONE street. There's even a Christian bookstore!

On this day, though, instead of just noticing the amount of churches, I had another thought: why isn't our city different? How can there be this many churches on one road, not even one block between them, representing only a fraction of the churches in the area...and our city not be on fire for God? The "Bible Belt?" The nation?

Then, last Saturday, Josiah and I went to worship at Freedom Life Church (FLC) in Hampton because he had to work on Sunday. We caught the second of a 4-part sermon series called "I Love My City."

I love the book of Nehemiah. Josiah and I were talking about it just the other day. Nevertheless, it was a different passage of scripture Pastor Cyon brought to my attention that totally rocked my world. It's Isaiah 58. Here it is almost in its entirety.

See if you can read it without it rocking YOUR world, too.

"Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.

Shout aloud! Don't be timid.

Tell my people Israel of their sins!

Yet they act so pious!

They come to the Temple every day

and seem delighted to learn all about me.

They act like a righteous nation

that would never abandon the laws of its God.

They ask me to take action on their behalf,

pretending they want to be near me.

'We have fasted before you!' they say.

'Why aren't you impressed?

We have been very hard on ourselves,

and you don't even notice it!'

"I will tell you why!" I respond.

"It is because you are fasting to please yourselves.

Even while you fast,

you keep oppressing your workers.

What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling?

This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me.

You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance,

bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind.

You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes.

Is this what you call fasting?

Do you really think this will please the Lord?

"No, this is the kind of fasting I want:

Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;

lighten the burden of those who work for you.

Let the oppressed go free,

and remove the chains that bind people.

Share your food with the hungry,

and give shelter to the homeless.

Give clothes to those who need them,

and do not hide from relatives that need your help.

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn,

and your wounds will quickly heal.

Your godliness will lead you forward,

and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.

Then when you call, the Lord will answer.

'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.

"Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.

Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!

Feed the hungry,

and help those in trouble.

Then your light will shine out from the darkness,

and the darkness around you will be bright as noon.

The Lord will guide you continually,

giving you water when you are dry

and restoring your strength.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like an ever-flowing spring.

Some of you will be known as a rebuilder of walls

and a restorer of homes.

Isaiah 58:1-12, HCSB

Church...people of God...'Merica...did you hear that?

Did you FEEL that?

God says he sees us coming to church, entering and serving every time the doors are open, offering ourselves up as a sacrifice, showing him how much WE do, but our hearts are prideful and our offerings are rejected.

We act like pious, godly people, but we're still fighting and quarreling and name calling on the internet.

OUCH, right?

He wants us outside the walls. 

He wants us ministering to the lost and lonely.

He wants us feeding the hungry and sheltering the homeless.

He wants us to free the oppressed from their bondage.

He wants our hearts, not our paltry sacrifice.

Then, He will hear us.

Then, He will heal us.

Then, He will guide us.

Then, He will shower us with streams of living water.

Then, He will make us rebuilders of walls and restorer of homes.

God is speaking to us Newport News, Hampton, Hampton Roads, United States...church.

He wants our hearts to reflect His, and His heart is broken for the lost...is yours? Is mine?

Here's where I get more personal, though. I have a lot of questions that have been building for quite some time. 

It's been months since I've written...and longer than that since I've written much of consequence, with fire and passion. A couple years ago I wrote a series on passion, vision, mission, and goals. What has happened to mine? And is my writing "ministry" even enough?

I love reaching out to people and seeing their lives changed through my business, but it's not really reaching the lost and feeding the hungry is it? I supposed you could call it "freeing the oppressed from the bondage" of their own fatigue and constraints, but is it really enough?

We're volunteering with the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember team in Williamsburg. That ministers to the lost and broken, but once again, it's not sheltering the homeless or clothing the impoverished. It doesn't feel like enough. Is it enough?

Futhermore (and this is truly my core concern, I think), how many passions and missions can one person really have and still be effective? 

Can I minister to my family AND marriages AND write AND help people with my business AND sing eventually (because, honestly, that's been on my heart a lot lately, too)?

Can one person do all those things and really do any of them well...with 6 children? Is that a thing?

I know some would say that my main ministry right now is fulfilling my roles as wife and mother. They're not wrong. Biblically, I know how the priority list is supposed to work: God, husband, children, etc.

But that's not enough either, right? I mean, if everyone only concentrates on what's going on in their own homes and families, then nothing is getting done outside. Wouldn't that give half the body of Christ a "free pass" not to do much of anything in the world?

I want to feel a passion and a purpose again, but instead I feel a little torn and twisted. I want God to light a fire in my soul, but I'm almost scared because...really? One more thing?

And, finally, at what point does all this business on my part turn into me looking at God and going "See? Look at everything I'm doing! Look at all MY WORKS."

Faith without works is dead (James 2:17), but it would seem works without a passion for the heart of God are useless.

There's a fine line somewhere...I'm just looking for that line.

So, dear, wonderful friends who have gotten this far: what's the answer? How do you find the balance? Was your heart moved by the passage in Isaiah as much as mine was?

I want desperately to hear from you. This is one situation where I just don't feel like I have the answers: a missing page in the blueprints of my "Life Under Construction."

I'm praying hard for answers, and I'm praying for YOUR hearts, too! 

Why do I do these things?!

For I do not understand my own actions. 

For I do not do what I want, but do the very thing I hate.

Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.

So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

For I do not do the good I want,

but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

Now, if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it,

but sin that dwells within me.

Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)

Don't you just love this passage of Scripture? I feel like it's the most vulnerable we see Paul. He seems to be saying, "Why do I keep jacking things up?! I HATE SIN!"

Often, I think we try to control our behavior without really analyzing the root causes. We just try to strong-arm ourselves into acting "properly." What's the real crux of the issue, though? Without addressing the sinful motivations behind our behavior, even if we change ourselves outwardly, it's just acting.

We have to change from the inside out. I don't know if you know this, but that's HARD and messy.

Yesterday, I wrote about our Ministry Preview visit with FamilyLife®. As part of the "wait" process, we've been asked to continue working on learning how to fulfill our God-given roles as husband and wife. Kind of a life-long task, right?

For me, this means, learning to reign in my natural inclination to charge forward and let Josiah lead. The fact that I need to work on this isn't exactly news. I've been trying for some time. However, the trip to Arkansas really made me look at WHY I'm having problems doing it.

I REALLY want to let Josiah lead. It's something I've always wanted. Why, then, do I find it so difficult in some situations? Why do I jump in front of him?

Paul's message above is pretty clear: we do things we know we shouldn't because of sin. Duh.

But sin is a pretty broad term. What sin, in particular, is causing me to take the proverbial wheel in many situations, even though I really want Josiah to drive?

I would love to say that I found the answer through deep thought, but with me, God has apparently found that's not what does the trick. I, apparently, learn best when I've made an ass of myself. That's when I do my best self-analysis.

I've found 2 main culprits in this "why do I keep doing this?" dance: what people think of me and anxiety. Actually, when I feel anxiety, it's often because of what I feel people are thinking of me...sooooooo, maybe it's just one root thing:

PRIDE

To address this, I've just finished kind of a self-guided study through what it really means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. As a basis, I've been using Characteristics of a Meek and Quiet Spirit by Kimberly Wagner (which she actually adapted from writing by Matthew Henry).

At first glance, I looked at that list contrasting the meek spirit vs. the fretful, I thought it was sort of self-explanatory. Plus, I have a tendency to think of myself as pretty low on the fretful scale....

WRONG.

The more I looked, the more I realized that, while I might not be outwardly anxious, I often try to control or manipulate people or circumstances, depending on my own "wisdom" or personality traits, and thereby, refusing to trust God to do His job. 

Each day, I've looked at one of the contrasts, written the scriptures out, and written out what I feel God is saying to me about it. 

The study has shown me SO MUCH sin in my life, Now, I'm actually going back through it again to analyze some of the Greek and Hebrew words in the Scripture, and I'm going through it with the girls.

At first, I thought I would share it with them just so they could learn to have gentle spirits. However, it's revealed so much of my own junk, now I've found I want to share it with them simply so they can know why I fail so often in my parenting journey, and what struggling spiritually really looks like.

I would love for you to come along with me on this journey. Sometimes, it's nice to come alongside friends, even if it is a journey through the land of exposing spiritual junk!

Slaying Sarcasm

This post is probably going to be a hard pill to swallow for some people, including myself and some of the people I care about most.

I feel like there's a clandestine killer entering a lot of our homes and relationships. But we don't look for the murderous beast and try to eradicate it. We treasure, coddle, and prune it.

What's the name of the beast?

Sarcasm.

I know. Shoot me now.

I actually read a blog post years ago in which the author tried, in vain, to convince the readers that sarcasm really has no place in the Christian home. I balked and pushed it aside.

Whatever, I thought. People who don't appreciate the beauty of sarcasm are humorless half-wits, right? What kind of spineless Christians are we growing if they can't even handle a little sarcasm?

But obviously, the Holy Spirit kept it in the back of my mind. He knew I'd come to a point in my spiritual growth where I'd see the truth...and now I'm the crazy blogger trying to convince you of the evils of sarcasm.

Fantastic. God be with me.

First, let's define sarcasm for the purposes of this post. See the line right above this one? The one where I said, “fantastic”? I obviously did not MEAN that was fantastic. I actually meant, “this is probably going to be crappy and hard.” That, my friends, is irony.

Simple irony hurts no one. It's merely saying the opposite of what I actually mean.

Then, there's sarcasm, and the definition alone may convey my point better than the rest of this blog post:

sar·casm

ˈsärˌkazəm/

noun

the use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

"his voice, hardened by sarcasm, could not hide his resentment"

synonyms:

derision, mockery, ridicule, scorn, sneering, scoffing;  irony; cynicism "well, it's easy to see that she got her biting sarcasm from her mother"

OUCH. Did you see that example? That, my friends did NOT come from me. Google the word, and that's what you get: Well, it's easy to see that she got her biting sarcasm from her mother.

Sarcasm isn't just irony. It is NOT just saying the opposite of what you mean. Instead, it's using that device to mock or convey contempt. OUCH.

Now, let's look at how we use this in our homes?

Mom to son: Well, THAT was smart.

Translation: That was really stupid.

Father to daughter: As always, we can depend on you.

Translation: You are not dependable and incapable.

Mom to Dad: Great job, genius!

Translation: You are a moron!

These are simplified and obvious examples, but they're powerful. Children understand this at a very young age. Are these really the messages we want to send to them?

You're stupid. You're incapable. Your other parent is moronic.

Now, if you need more proof, let's take a look at how scripture says we should and should not be speaking to one another.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue,

and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Proverbs 18:21

Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths,

but only such as is good for building up,

as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart,

and this defiles a person.

Matthew 5:18

The words of the reckless pierce like swords,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 12:18

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt,

so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

Colossians 4:6

But I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the

day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.

Matthew 12:37

These are just a few among so many. While we may dismiss our words as unimportant, God has seen fit to address the issue time and time again in His word. HE says our words are of extreme importance.

God says our words hold either life or death.

In essence, when we use sarcasm, what we're really doing is placing ourselves above the person we're speaking to. We're talking down to them.

Sarcasm, at it's core, is haughty and prideful.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

Rather, in humility value others above yourself.

Philippians 2:3

I think the reality of the situation is clear. It's a hard pill to swallow, though. There's no doubt about that.

I also want to clearly state that, while I have been convicted about this, I understand some of you may not share this conviction...yet. I think this one takes time, and I'm not judging anyone who isn't on the same timeline.

Nevertheless, unlike my clothing convictions (that I've SO poorly kept to since pregnancy), I do feel this lesson applies to everyone. The Bible is clear, but the question is this:

Will we heed the words of our Creator and slay sarcasm before it has left our tongues, or will we continue to use this weapon to slay the people we love?

Let's Talk About Sex: The Purity Principle

Apparently, sex has been on my mind A LOT lately. (You can go ahead and insert your own joke about me being in my sixth pregnancy here).

About a month ago, I posted about Cheap Sex and How It's Killing US, but for some reason, that didn't quite get to the heart of what I wanted to say. Something keeps lurking in my head and heart.

I am an analytical person. I want to know why. I look back on my past, the sins and failures, and I desperately want to try to take apart WHY I made the decisions I made because maybe, just maybe, I can understand the WHY, I can help the next generation make better decisions. 

I don't think it's enough just to tell them where we went wrong, but for them to understand WHY.

So today I want to talk about The Purity Principle.

The Purity Principle constitutes a large portion of our youth group time and discussions. At least, it did when I was younger. Maybe it's because that's at the forefront of most teen's minds, or maybe because it's one of the major temptations they'll face as they forge their way into adulthood.

But...I can't help but think we may be doing them a disservice in HOW we communicate about the subject. Here, I'll address some of the issues I think we, as the Christian body, face when communicating about purity. You might agree, you might not, but at least hear me out...

Let's Talk About "Sex"

When I said, "purity" earlier, let's face it, you immediately knew I was talking about "sexual purity." That's how we talk about it right? Because who wants to talk to kids about "sexual purity" in church. Nah. We can just  be general and call it "purity" right? Slap a "purity" ring on that finger and talk about being "pure." We don't have to say "sex" to them...it's implied.

Um...no. And let me tell you WHY....

You can be sexually pure, and still be impure...thoughts, speech, actions. Actually, according to Isaiah 64:6, we're ALL impure. Normally, I'm not a huge fan of the NLT, but I think this REALLY gets to the heart of it:

We are all infected and impure with sin.

When we display our righteous deeds,

they are nothing but filthy rags.

Harsh. But accurate.

If you want more evidence of our impurity, read through Romans 1-3 for a bit. No matter who you are, you fall into a pretty "unclean" category. We're dirty. We are never pure apart from the blood of Jesus Christ. That's why we NEED a Savior. That's why God gave the Law, to show us how much we need him, how much we CANNOT do it on our own:

Therefore, most of Romans 1-3 sets up how dirty we all are, but then:

But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the Law,

although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it-

the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe.

For there is no distinction:

for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,

and are justified by his grace as a gift,

through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus,

whom God put forward as a propitiation through his blood,

to be received BY FAITH.

Romans 3:21-25a (emphasis added)

If you're pure, you better sing praises to God because it is ONLY because you have been given that GIFT through FAITH in the Lord Jesus Christ. There is nothing you can do on your own to be pure.

So, if we're going to talk about "sexual purity" with teens, or anyone else, then let's just bite the bullet and us the word "sex" because that's what we mean. 

Why is this important, you ask? Because we have a whole slew of self-righteous Christians flaunting their "sexual purity," but wallowing in the muck and mire that is sin: gossip, lying, haughtiness, lust, wrath, crude talk - you name it and they got it. But they're blinded by that because they grew up in church believing if they hadn't had sex outside of marriage, they hadn't lost their "purity."

The lust in that list leads me to my next point...

Purity ≠ Virginity

I first kissed a boy at the ripe, old age of 14...and in that, I was somewhat of a "late bloomer," according to my peers. Now, as my Emily prepares to turn 13 in a couple days, the thought sickens me, not because of the kiss necessarily (although it was AWFUL), but because of what followed. Ironically, I was saved and baptized at 14, as well. 

A kiss led quickly to making out, and that led to some pretty heavy petting. It was allowed though, right? Part of growing up? And everyone was doing it. It's what the guys wanted, and the guys in youth group were no exception to that rule.

Nevertheless, we all clung to our "purity," knowing that we had kept safe the golden crown of virginity. We were safe.

Closer and closer I crept to edge of the cliff, just knowing my belief in Christ would keep me from jumping, But dear friends, I'm here to tell you, the cliff is an illusion. It's not a plummet when you lose your virginity, but a slow, steady, dangerous decent into sinful behavior.

And that's where Satan has us all fooled. God, on the other hand, is not confused in the least.

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick;

who can understand it?

"I the Lord search the heart

and test the mind,

to give to every man according to his ways,

according to the fruits of his deeds."

Jeremiah 17:9-10

He knows your heart and your mind. He sees the lust in your heart. By the time the virginity is lost, before or after marriage, a whole host of sins has paraded through the mind and, thus, the heart. 

Jesus said this:

You have heard that it  was said,

"YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,"

but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her

has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Matthew 5:27-28

Before our bodies have ever gotten to the deed, our hearts are drenched in it.

Once again, why is this important? Because our thoughts lead to our actions, so if we're going to talk about sexual purity, we need to be discussing our thoughts first...renewing our minds, taking every thought into submission.

And also..because some will make the mistake. There are some who will give into temptation, and if virginity equals purity then they are lost.

I was.

I kept the illusion of purity from ages 14 to 16, until I finally convinced myself that the only way to keep the man I was dating at the time, the man I thought I "loved" was to give every part of myself to him. That's what we do with the people we "love," right?

So, I gave into temptation...just once. The next day, when guilt set in, I refused him...and didn't see him or hear from him for months.

But, I thought, it was too late. I had fallen.

I went to youth group one time after that, but my I was overcome with my own guilt, and I was sure my "pure" friends would never understand if they knew. Overnight, I had become an outsider; so, I drifted away.

I found friends who would never think I was dirty because I had failed. Heck, in truth, I found "dirtier" friends, people by whose presence I could be comforted because while I might have fallen from grace, they were FAR worse.

All an illusion of course; no one is any better or worse (see the verses above). But misery loves company, so eventually, I decided to just wallow in the mud with rest.

I was saved by grace, but living in the flesh. Lord, forgive me, I grieved the Holy Spirit inside of me.

But what if...what if I had been given a different perspective? 

Goodness knows, I'm baptist! We definitely preach grace and mercy through the Lord, Christ Jesus (AMEN!), but somehow we're missing all that in our "purity preaching," treating it like the unforgivable sin. As a consequence, we're leaving behind any poor soul who falls down, in the name of trying to keep safe the rest. We're abandoning the lost in our flock.

How NOT like Jesus is that?

Last, and probably most importantly, let's really get to the WHY...

It's a Beautiful Life

I have a tendency to be a bit of a "because I told you so" parent. Probably, one of my biggest flaws. I don't know if it's because of how I was raised or a result of a good deal of just trying to survive parenting the first decade or so, but I often find myself skipping the explanation of WHY, and simply expecting compliance through dictatorship.

Sometimes, that's necessary. When there really isn't time to explain "why," but serious consequences will follow if the child isn't compliant, then  "because I said so" must prevail. Nevertheless, if children can begin to understand the "why," then it becomes easier, at times, to comply.

God is the Heavenly Father, the only perfect parent. He doesn't just give a command and a "thou shalt" or "shalt not" because he likes to control what we do. He gives us boundaries because they are good for us. 

And sure, let's face it, there are a ton of ways we can be hurt by sex outside of marriage. Did ya'll see the pictures of STDs in high school "family life"?? EW. Did ya'll watch the films on teenage pregnancy, too?

But, like men trying to build the tower of babble, society decides it's going to be smarter than God, so it creates ways to skirt the physical consequences: condoms, the pill, etc.

But we're so obtuse.

God, alone, knows our souls, and as much as we might try, the damage we do to our souls through sin, in this case sexual sin, is TRULY the tragedy.

But why? Why does it kill our souls to give away our bodies?

Because sex is not just a physical act.

And Adam knew Eve his wife; 

and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said,

I have gotten a man from the Lord.

Genesis 4:1

Now, let's face it, none of us are under the assumption that they had a baby because Adam became cognitively aware of his wife. They got it on. That's what "knew" means in this context.

Oh...but it's so much richer than that.

When I was reading Sacred Sex, by Tony Evans, he revealed that the word, "knew" there is the Hebrew word, "yada," and it means SO MUCH more than just a cognitive awareness OR having sex.

Over and over in the Old Testament, "yada" is used by God to show us how we're to KNOW Him and His commandments, and how deeply He KNOWS us.

It's a deep, intimate, spiritual connection. It's sharing your SOUL with someone.

And THAT, my friends, is the WHY.

That's why it's something that God says we should only share with someone with whom we have entered into the holy covenant bond of marriage. 

SEX IS HOLY. It is good, and set apart, and we are to set ourselves apart for because of its beauty.

Cosmo is not teaching this to kids. They're certainly not learning it in school.

The only place they can get this knowledge is from the body of Christ. Now, hopefully, their parents are part of the body, but maybe not. So the body is going to have to up its game.

The Bottom Line

Look, I'm not saying that we shouldn't be teaching that sex before marriage is a sin. That's some namby pamby, wishy washy nonsense. It is sin, so let's call it that.

However, what I am saying is that it should be taught to our youth as what it is, one sin in a sea of many, and often one leads to another. Let's teach it context of the bigger picture of the great and glorious gospel. Let's teach them about the beauty of sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.

Then, I think, we may start making some headway into the hearts of our youth; they may begin to understand their worth, and we might begin to communicate their value, to us, and more importantly, to the God that created them.

I really want to hear your feedback on this. How was sex presented to you? In the church and outside? Did you understand its beauty? What were you taught about The Purity Principle?

Cheap Sex and How It's Killing Us

Yesterday, sweet Emily was asking me questions about her father and I and how our marriage started and when we got married. I try to be as forthcoming as possible about these things because I may be able to protect her from some of my mistakes by sharing them.

At one point she said, but you were living together when you got pregnant with Destiny, so you were basically married, right?

Wow.

I quickly corrected her. No, sweet girl. It's not the same. It's not the same at all.

I understand where she's coming from. I really do. She's seen A LOT of couples in her life that have chosen to live together without marriage. She doesn't want to think they're wrong. She doesn't want to think I was wrong.

But I can't have her holding that viewpoint. She needs to know Mama made a mistake.

Train up a child in the way he should go;

even when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

First, (after more questions from her), I had to clarify that it isn't actually living with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage that's a sin, but sexual relations outside of a marriage. Whether you live with someone or not, sex outside of marriage is wrong.

I highlighted Jesus's conversation with the woman at the well. He didn't say, Where's the guy you're living with? Instead he asked where her husband was, and when she replied that she had none, he said:

You have correctly said, "I don't have a husband," Jesus said.

For you have had five husbands

and the man you now have is not your husband.

What you have said is true.

John 4:17-18

It's just not the same.

So, we talked. We talked about marriage as a covenant and what covenant MEANS. Biblestudytools.com says this about covenants:

The covenants referred to above were between two equal parties; this means that the covenant relationship was bilateral. The bond was sealed by both parties vowing, often by oath, that each, having equal privileges and responsibilities, would carry out their assigned roles.

These contracts are important. In Genesis, even after God called Abram (Abraham), he still needed reassurance of God's promise. How did God do that? He made a covenant with him; a binding, unbreakable oath (Genesis 15).

Emily and I didn't have much more time to talk after that because I was dropping her off, but my heart was still heavy. It was my second conversation that day about sex outside of marriage, and I couldn't shake them.

What is missing in our conversations about sex and marriage??

The value of sex.

In our society and culture, sex is looked at in a lot of different ways: recreational, procreational (made that word up), or simply part of the "mate-choosing" process...like, test driving a car or trying on a pair of shoes.

We've devalued sexual intimacy to the status of shoe shopping...or even worse, shoe rental. We've perverted it's original intent.

It's kind of what we do best.

God created the world, and He placed Adam in the garden of Eden. He told them they could eat of any tree they wanted except for one: the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The fruit wasn't bad. God created it, and it was good, but it wasn't intended for Adam and Eve...but that didn't stop them.

And typically, that's just what we do. We jump in over our heads, trying to make ourselves into our own gods, and we jack everything up in the process.

The same thing goes for sex. God created sexual intimacy between partners, and it was and IS good. We've just cheapened it.

The first real reference to sex (I think) in the Bible is IN Genesis 4:1:

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain,

saying, "I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord."

Obviously, by "knew his wife" the Bible means they had sex because it led to conception. Oh, but it's so much more than the act.

The Hebrew word there for "knew" is the word yada, and it's not just used to indicate sexual intimacy but so many times throughout the Old Testament it's used to indicate God knowing us and us knowing him. It's indicative of a desire for a deep and meaningful relationship.

That's what God meant for sex to be: a deeply intimate exchange, one in which we are fully known.

And that, my friends, is why God would have us experience sexual intimacy only in the context of covenant marriage; it's such an intimate exchange, so dear and valuable, that to experience it outside of that is tantamount to going mudding in a Ferrari or rolling around in the mud in your wedding dress before the wedding.

Only WORSE...because what we dirty and destroy isn't a car or a dress, but our souls, our spirits. It's not outside of God's infinite mercy and grace, but like all other sins, the consequences leave scars far after our slates have been wiped clean.

So, my answer to dear Emily was, no. No, having sex and living with her father before we were married was NOT the same as being married.

My prayer for her, and all my children, is that they would know all the beauty and joys of sexual intimacy only as God intended. What that will mean, is that I've taught them not just to value the exchange, but to value themselves as they are valued...by me, bot more importantly, by God.

Because that's what God truly cares about: us. The act is sacred, but He created it because He loves the participants.

Why I'm Getting DRESSED

As I'm sure some of you know, for many years, fall and winter have been "hoodie season" for me. I love me a good hoodie...the bigger, the better.

At the first hint of crispness in the air, I grin and dance and think of all things pumpkin spice...and don a hoodie and a pair of jeans.

It's what I do...it's what I did.

A month ago today, as I was getting ready to go to a meeting with Josiah, I had a conversation with God. I was not a happy camper.

I felt, deeply, that he was asking me to get rid of the hoodie and jeans. And so...right there in the shower, I got teary-eyed and angry because, God, you don't seem to understand. It's hoodie SEASON!

I got teary-eyed over a hoodie, y'all.

It had been a long time coming, actually. I felt the Lord leading me to Scriptures that highlighted femininity and the differentiation of the sexes. I felt Him pressing upon my heart.

Finally, that day in the shower I said, Fine. FINE! I'll try it...and I'll talk to Josiah about it, but God, if he thinks this is stupid, then I'm throwing this out the window and putting on a hoodie and jeans.

He did not think it was stupid...at all.

God has been showing us BOTH lately how backwards our culture is: men becoming increasingly less masculine and women becoming increasingly more masculine. So, apparently, He's asking me go against the grain and be more feminine in my dress.

For me, that means dresses and skirts...pretty much all the time outside of the house. That's what it comes down to.

Ladies, we HAVE to reclaim femininity. Go on, women's libbers...ROAR. But it's true. The farther we, as women, get from being feminine, the more we deem it necessary to take control, to rule, to dominate. Likewise, because we're willing to take that control, men take a backseat.

Then, we complain there are no more gentlemen in the world and chivalry is dead. I don't think that's true at all, but if it is WE killed it.

God called men and women to be different, not better or worse, but different. We're just not embracing that anymore.

For a long time, though, I didn't look as my dress as being unfeminine. I just thought it was...humble. I obviously wasn't looking to get any attention like that, right? I looked at verses like the one below, and thought they meant "hoodie season is good":

Your beauty should not consist of outward things

like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes.

Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart

with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit,

which is very valuable in God’s eyes.

1 Peter 3:3-4

What's less elaborate than a messy ponytail?! What's less fine than a hoodie and jeans?! It's what's in the heart that matters!!

And actually, those statements are absolutely true. God DOES want our beauty to come from the inside. We shouldn't seek to be considered beautiful because of the superficial. And yet...

I have found the second part, the gentle and quiet spirit, much more attainable in feminine attire.

Think about it like this, many businesses have certain dress codes for their employees because they want them to behave in a certain manner, right?

Many corporations want very business-like attire because, generally, people have a tendency to behave in a more business-like manner when they are dressed accordingly.

Conversely, some of the younger "dot com" companies have much less rigid dress codes and encourage creativity in dress and culture because they WANT their staffs to be creative.

Likewise, when I'm dressed like a lady, I have a tendency to behave more like one. Even more shocking, I've also discovered that when I'm dressed like a lady, I'm treated more like one.

It's a cycle, folks. 

The few people I've told about this, thus far, have reacted in a variety of ways. A few women from my homeschool group (NONE of whom wear dresses frequently) were very supportive. Others, questioned whether I thought this was for everyone, and others wondered if a lot of ugly denim skirts were coming.

So let me answer a few of your inevitable questions:

Are you saying all women should be wearing dresses and skirts?! 

No. I don't believe that. We've been set free from the law. Yes, it says in Deuteronomy that women shouldn't wear men's clothing. However, it also says Hebrew people shouldn't eat pork...and MMMM, bacon. This is a very personal conviction, and I don't expect anyone else to hop on my bandwagon (so, yes, we can still be friends).

Are you wearing dresses ALL the time? 

Um, no. I'm sure a few of you have seen me at the gym or at Zumba lately, and I have not worn a skirt over my workout clothes. I'm also wearing jeans and sneakers if a particular situation calls for it, like weeding flower beds or any other yard work. I'm not being "religious" about this, ya'll (haha). Right now, I'm wearing a hoodie and sweat pants because I'm in my house and it's 6 a.m. and it's chilly; the situation calls for it.

So, when ARE you wearing dresses then?

Pretty much anytime I leave the house. Even if I'm just running to Wal-mart, I'm actually taking the time to get dressed. It just doesn't take all that long to throw on a skirt and a sweater and make sure my hair actually looks decent.

Are you going to start wearing denim all the time?

No, but I do have a couple denim skirts I really like. I completely understand why certain denominations feel somewhat homely dress is the way to go, and I respect that...but I'm just not there. Quite the opposite, actually. I feel more like God wants me to show that I can dress with femininity and modesty and still have fun with my clothes and feel good in them!

 Do you think ONLY dresses and skirts are feminine?

I KNOW someone is going to call me on this, so I might as well get it out there: you can look gorgeous and feminine in pants. I know people who do it all the time. They wear jeans and slacks and look AWESOME. They look very pretty. So, no. I don't think that's the case. I do, however, think God is calling ME to do it a little differently. That may be because it's a slippery slope for me. Only God knows.

I hope than answered a lot of the more immediate questions. If you have more, PLEASE message me or leave a comment.

I'm really starting to embrace the change, now. I'm having fun actually putting decent outfits together, and I'm really looking forward to expanding my wardrobe here and there, as the budget allows.

There's also a certain level of self care that comes with actually getting dressed decently every day. As a homeschool mom, if I'm not careful, I can spend just about every day looking pretty haggard. I really don't want this to be the way my husband and kids see me and remember me. If I'm running out to Wal-mart, but I'm actually putting on decent clothes, I'm much more likely to spend another 5 seconds making sure my hair looks halfway decent, my mascara isn't 2" under my eyeballs from the day before, and I've actually brushed my teeth already. (Just keeping it real.)

So, there you have it. I do feel like a bit of a freak. Even in my Christian conservative circle of friends, this is not a common conviction.

Nevertheless, God has asked people to do "stranger" things, so for right now, I'll just be happy His call for me is to look decent.

It is my hope, that this outward change in me is more reflective of an inner change. I pray God is not just helping me put on dresses and skirts, but that He's aiding me in clothing myself with strength, dignity, and faith, along with a gentle and quiet spirit because that's what is truly valuable.