Saturday, March 22, 2014

Broken Silence

It's been more than two months since my last post. I would love to say that I've just been too busy to write, but I just don't think that quite gets to the heart of it. I have been REALLY busy, but...that just doesn't encompass the reality.

I've been silent because I feel like God has been silent. God is always there. He's always with us, but sometimes I think He stands in silence, waiting for us to appreciate His voice...like a drought makes us love the rain.

However, in the last couple weeks, I entered a period of anxiety and conflict, and when I needed Him most, He spoke...so now I'm writing again.

It was really not that big of a deal in retrospect. I let myself get so busy that the house was a pretty big mess, and Josiah was really getting frustrated. However, after a couple of conversations where neither of us communicated well, we both felt bruised, battered, and worse for the wear.

It had another effect on me, though. This domestic failure of mine resulted in a far deeper trauma, which led to one of the worst 3 a.m. sob sessions I've had in quite some time.

I stopped wanting to do everything. I told myself I didn't want to:

host the Art of Marriage event at church,
start a ministry,
be part of any other ministries,
write,
sing,
anything,
nothing.

I didn't want to do anything. I told myself the calling I felt a couple years ago was a lie I made up because it was what I wanted. I told myself any talents I thought God had given me to do His work were imagined. He didn't want me. Why would He?

Oddly, I knew this was Satan whispering in my ear. I knew what I felt wasn't from God, but I felt like I just didn't have the strength to battle the lies. I just couldn't find the will to fight.

But God...

In His infinite wisdom, God has given me some very weak moments to try to fight through within the past few years. I used to spend tons of time trying to fight through them myself, trying to get through on willpower, battling Satan on my own. Only after days of the lies tearing me apart would I finally cry out to God for help, and only then would His peace save me.

But not this time. This time, even though I knew I had no strength to fight, I remembered to turn to the One who does. With the enemy's lies still ringing in my ears, I cried out to God. I told Him I didn't have the strength to fight, and I begged Him to separate the truth from the lies in my head. I begged Him to wrap me in His love, and give me peace.

And He did.

His peace engulfed me like a river and stole my tears away in seconds. And there, where I had been sobbing on my living room floor, I looked up and saw the Art of Marriage kit sitting in my living room, waiting for me to get moving on the planning of this event - an event I know will change and save marriages in our community.

And I started planning. It was 4:30 in the morning at that point, but emails needed to be sent and things needed to be figured out. There was work to be done.

When Josiah got up for work and asked what was wrong, I told Him the lies Satan had been telling me. At that point, while God had settled my heart, I still felt their faint whisper, and I wasn't quite ready to admit they were all lies yet.

Even a couple days later when Josiah was talking about our ministry, I was hesitant. He was trying to tell me it still needed to happen, that He felt God was still pushing us in that direction (albeit slowly), and that I should still write and pursue the plan God had revealed to us, but I just couldn't jump back in.

So God shoved me.

This is my last semester at Liberty, and because I'm getting a Bachelor's in Interdisciplinary Studies (which sort of combines majors from different areas), I have to take an Interdisciplinary class. The purpose of the class is to bring some cohesiveness to the degree and your future, and help you move forward with the cluster of majors you've chosen.

Part of the first few weeks' assignments? Analyzing your strengths and your spiritual gifts. Talking about your future plans. What do you plan to do with your degree?

In one night, I had to write about forming the ministry three times. I had to take a StrengthsQuest Assessment that named my top five strengths, and I had to relate to my professor how I'd seen those work in my life...which was mainly through writing this blog and teaching at church.

When I took Elmer Towns' Spiritual Gifts Assessment, I scored evenly on four gifts: teaching, exhortation, mercy showing, and shepherding. I then had to relate to my professor, again, how I'd seen these gifts work in my life thus far...and again, I had to talk about my blog and some of the ministries I've been involved in. I had to talk about my future.

I didn't want to walk back through the door, but God shoved me through it anyway.

So, while I don't think I'll ever be the most talented writer to grace the internet or written page, I have to admit that God is calling me to write anyway. While I'll never sing as well as others, I'll raise my voice to praise Him anyway. And while other ministries may do a lot more good and have much more worthy founders, eventually (as long as the good Lord wills it), we'll get the ministry off the ground anyway.

I know God is urging me to move forward in a lot of areas, but I also had to acknowledge that He wanted me to pull back in some others. One of the reasons it was so easy for Satan's lies to creep in and take over was because I already felt like a failure.

I had so many things I was trying to juggle, that responsibilities were falling to the ground all over the place, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't keep up with them all. The house was a disaster. I still had A's in my classes, but I wasn't putting forth the effort I should have been. The kids are behind in their class schedules, despite the fact that I started the year early. I wasn't fulfilling my Awana secretary duties properly. I couldn't even remember to drop a couple checks off for the Women's Ministry's trip to Women of Faith. I hadn't done the things I needed to for the Art of Marriage event.

I was just failing.

So, when the issue came up about the house being a mess, the rest of the failures I felt came crashing in around me, and I lay somewhere under the mountains of rubble.

God rescued me, but He also told me I needed to re-prioritize.

So, much to my dismay, I stopped my involvement in the Women's Ministry mid-year.
I resigned as secretary of the Awana Journey club, as well.
I quit the homeschool co-op just before this, so that wasn't an issue.

I streamlined my schedule so I could make room to really put effort into the things I stayed involved in, like being a mom and a wife. I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't do everything and do anything well.

It was a lesson that was very hard-learned, but worth it in the end, I think.

Unless you're struggling with the same thing, I don't really have any overarching lesson here. This isn't a devotional or teaching tool.

Today, the blog is simply dedicated to sharing what I've been going through, to give my sincerest apologies to any I may have let down, and to cleanse my heart so I can move on.

I know this has been long and somewhat disjointed, so if you've made it this far, I'm grateful. Thank you for listening to my heart. <3 p="">