Thursday, January 30, 2014

Quick and Dirty: A Visionary Flop

This one is going to be quick and dirty (written on the fly with little editing) because I feel like death and I'm buried under a ton of schoolwork, but I think it's important enough that I'm willing to take a few minutes out.

I've felt a little...attacked lately.

First, there's the whole gym thing. Since I started going to the gym, I've felt SO much better. I haven't dropped a ton of weight or anything, but it's only been about a month, and that's just not the point. The point is, I FEEL better when I go.

However, within a couple weeks of rejoining, my ankle (which hasn't given me major problems in over a year) locked while I was simply sitting on the floor helping Ryan put together a puzzle...completely random. And do you know when I stopped going to the gym last time? Yup...when the same thing happened to my ankle.

I was bound and determined this time, though...nothing was going to keep me from working out - so I decided to take some aqua aerobics classes. Yes, there are old people in there and you feel pretty stupid running around a pool, BUT I felt GREAT after my first aqua kickboxing class, and I was determined to continue.

Until this week, when I got hit with some sort of pulmonary virus (a.k.a. "chest funk") that landed me flat on my butt. Seriously, I woke up Tuesday feeling like I had an elephant on my chest and by the end of the day I was out of breath if I tried to move. Today, I'm at about 45%...so better, but still no gym.

But guess what? The first day I feel I'm no longer infecting the world with my funk, I'm going to be in that gym. I don't care if I just walk on a treadmill at 3.0 mph for 20 minutes...I'll be there.

And then there's the think with the ministry. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm still blogging from Life Under Construction - not Seeking the Symphony. I've made ZERO headway lately with the ministry...and I assure you, I've felt like a super failure because of it.

Furthermore, EVERYTHING I've come in contact with has talked about praying BIG prayers, dreaming BIG dreams, seeing the VISION, leading with PASSION...you get the idea.

But that's not how I feel lately. I feel like I've lost the vision. I feel like the vision and the dream and everything else has gotten lost in the mundane, everyday tasks of life, like homeschooling and my classes and...I dunno...life.

I feel like a visionary flop.

I had this conversation with Josiah the other day, and poor guy...I happened to look to him for emotional support on a day where he was pretty low himself. I attacked him with questions like, "How do we know we're really doing the right thing by starting the ministry? Why isn't God giving me more information if this is the way we're supposed to go? What do you think? How do you feel? How do we know for sure?!" His response was basically "I think we are going the right way, but I don't know." Poor guy...there's nothing like getting attacked while you're trying to cook dinner. So then I did what I should have done in the first place:

I went into my bedroom, got on my knees, and cried out to God. I poured out my heart to Jesus right there on my bedroom floor.

Sometimes, it takes God a while to answer our prayers, but sometimes...sometimes He answers right away...and this time that's exactly what he did.

Right there, while I was praying, he reminded me that he HAS given me a vision...at Women of Faith a year and a half ago (you can read about that here). Heck, I just stood on stage at church talking about it last weekend. Is Seeking the Symphony part of that vision? Maybe...maybe not. Either way, fail or succeed, it's a stepping stone for us and I truly believe it's God's will for us.

He also reminded me that I've felt discouraged about this before...my lack of a solid plan where the ministry is concerned, and what He told me THEN was that I needed to follow the steps He's given me for now, and then He'll give me the next pieces...and guess what? I haven't finished those yet.

And I think I know why.

Today He reminded me that sometimes He slows us down on purpose because we have more to learn before we can proceed.

Before I started back to school, I started working with some Dreamweaver tutorials so I could learn how to build the StS website, but then, as I said, I got sidetracked by life. But sometimes, God builds His lessons into our lives -

Like today, when I realized that this week's presentations in my Digital Imaging class are all about building webpages in Photoshop...to then be linked with Dreamweaver if necessary.

I hope you know what this feels like. I hope you know what it feels like when God reaches down and gently wraps His hands around you and reminds you that He is in control, that He has already prepared works for you to walk in, and "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Ours is a mighty, loving God. El Shaddai - God Almighty. El-roi - the God who sees me.

See, here's the deal. Maybe I'm not being attacked. Maybe that's just my imagination. Either way, there are some trials, and you know what? I'm thankful for them. Through them, God is producing endurance and maturing me, making me full and complete, lacking nothing (James 1:2).

Let's face it - He has His work cut out for Him, but every day He works on me, and for that, I am exceedingly grateful.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

With A Passion

Do you believe in coincidences?

I don't.

I ran into a man today at the dentist's office. Josiah had an appointment, and our dentist's office is on Main Street, and since I'll take just about any excuse to spend time with him, we decided to brave the icy sidewalks and walk to the office.

While Josiah was busy in the dentist's chair, I struck up a conversation with the previous patient who, as divine providence would have it, was a Christian.

We spoke for a long time about many different things and, while we had some theological differences, he said something to me that made such an impact I knew I'd write about it.

He said there was a day he was supposed to debate some piece of scripture with a fellow Christian over lunch - just two angry men convinced they were right (and another there just to watch the show over a sandwich).

He said he prayed sincerely for wisdom before-hand, and then he went in and told me man he wouldn't debate with him. He said he would sit down with him and the Word; they would sit next to each other and study the scripture together and then as united Christians they would derive the meaning. 

In the end, he said both of them had been partially right, but they walked away knowing the other was a brother in Christ.

He told me the end of the story with tears in his eyes and my heart almost exploded.

This man had passion.

Before our chat in the dentist's office, I was reading one of my textbooks for my Christian Leadership class (The Conviction to Lead by Albert Mohler). I read about the "Passion to Lead" and my heart was both heavy and hopeful.

I've lost momentum on forming the ministry. With the kids and I back in school, I just don't have time to finish designing the logo or set up the website/new blog...or anything else really.

I feel like I've lost some of my momentum...and some of my passion.

I found myself praying while I was reading, and then, for the first time, scrawling those prayers in the margins.

"Please God, make me passionate for Your word and Your will in everything I do."

"Please Lord, if I'm meant to lead, make me an infectious leader. One who leads with deep conviction and a passion for You."

"Please God, lead me so I can lead others."

"Please God...please."

And then I ran into Mr. Tom...a man with a passion for Christ...a man who, at that moment over lunch with a fellow Christian, chose unity in the body...the exact same thing our ministry is after: healing the body of Christ.

God lit the flame of my heart again for our cause, and while I know I still might not have time to work on everything today or tomorrow, that's okay. I'm on God's time and taking His lead, and His timing is perfect. Amen.

So, today, I'd like to thank Mr. Tom for allowing the Holy Spirit to speak to me through him, and for his lovely conversation in our dentist's waiting room.

I walked away knowing another brother in Christ.


Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26-26




Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Kids are people?!

I've had a revelation, and with that revelation came some conviction.

The revelation: our kids are TOTALLY people!!

I know, it sounds foreign, and as much as my father-in-law is convinced kids are plastic (family joke), I have discovered they are, indeed, flesh and blood people.

I know you're confused right now. As always, I have a story...

I have been very upset with a couple of adults lately at church because it got back to my child that they were speaking ill of her.

She used to love going to church and now, she still enjoys the Word, but heaviness hangs over her when she's there. She feels whispers around her, probably even when none exist...because you know, that's what gossip does.

How dare they!! Despite what they may think, our children are people, too, and talking about them is gossip just as much as speaking about an adult is. They're hurting my child! 

And then, the Holy Spirit swooped in with conviction for me...as He often does.

How often have I spoken ill about my children to other people? How often, when someone is sharing about their teenage daughter woes, have I (in an attempt to sympathize) said, "I don't really have those problems with Des, but man are we scared of when Emily gets there!" and many other things about all of my kids.

Ya know what? That's not nice. 

I learned before Josiah and I were even married that I should cover him in my speech (Time Warp Wife), but unfortunately, I didn't learn the lesson about my kids...until now.

Should we revisit what the Bible says about gossip?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths,
but only such as is good for building up,as fits the occasion,
that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29

Whoever slanders his neighbor secretly I will destroy.
Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart I will not endure.
Psalm 101:5

If anyone thinks he is religious
and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart,
this person's religion is worthless.
James 1:26

...and MANY more. Ouch.

Now, please don't misunderstand me. I know sometimes we need parenting advice; we need prayer for this journey. However, if that's the case, then we should following the same rules for that as we would for getting advice and prayer for our marriages - seeking wise Christian counsel in confidence, always being aware that we should still speak respectfully, even in times of trouble.

As a general rule - when seeking advice concerning anything that concerns another person, follow exactly the same guidelines you would want them to follow were they seeking advice about you.

What? You wouldn't want them talking to 20 different people to ask for advice and "get prayer" about you? You wouldn't want them to talk to people who wouldn't protect your relationship and may jump on the "ill-speaking" bandwagon?

Huh - interesting.

It's the golden rule, folks. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke 6:31.

And, as it turns out, this doesn't just apply to grown-ups or people you haven't birthed. 

I guess I have some apologies to make. How about you?


Linking up with:



Monday, January 20, 2014

Seeing His Hands

I sank to my knees in the middle of the kitchen, paying no attention to the fact that the linoleum was cold and hard and the fact that my husband might think I was insane.

But he didn't.

He joined me on the cold kitchen floor, and raw emotion crashed over me like waves.

I cried, and in a quiet voice I prayed:

"Thank you dear, Lord. 
Thank you for your many blessings,
but thank you most of all for revealing yourself to me.
Thank you for knowing I needed to see your hands working in my life,
and thank you for so graciously giving me what I needed.
Just thank you."

In his book The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson says, "In order to experience a miracle, you have to take a risk." Of course, he's not talking about taking just ANY risks; he's talking about taking those risks the Holy Spirit is speaking into your ear, the ones that don't add up on paper - but hey, 5 loaves and 2 fishes can't feed thousands either, right?

Just about a year ago, Josiah and I were struggling with whether I should quit my job to stay home with the kids or continue working. We both felt me staying home was best for our family, but...

let's just say we were wondering about God's ability to do math.

Everything we felt, heard, and experienced, though, told us that I was supposed to stay at home (and the decision to homeschool was not far behind). We trusted that God would provide...and oh, has He provided...in so many ways.

Here's the thing, when you're put in a position of pure dependence on God in alignment with His will, then you are in the very humbling and awe-inspiring position of seeing His hand move...a lot.

And in the last 10 months, that's exactly what we've seen:

  • when we needed a new van and He gave us one for 1/3 of it's actual value
  • when that van lost it's transmission while we were on vacation in the Smoky Mountains and He provided in so many ways, through so many people
  • when we bought a lot of books at an auction for $10 and wound up selling one of them for $880
  • when friends of ours sponsored us to go to a Smart Stepfamilies conference and bought us lunch afterward
  • when $250 showed up on our doorstep right before Christmas
  • when loving family members went out and bought quite a few presents from us to the kids
  • when our dear friends handed us a check and simply said "Merry Christmas"
  • when grandparents sent gift cards and money for Christmas that have been such a blessing
  • and yesterday, when one of Josiah's regular customers who just loves him blessed us with over $100 in groceries and a $25 gift card to match...and I found myself thanking God on the kitchen floor.
It started pretty simply, apparently. One of Josiah's elderly customers chats with him regularly, and just loves him to death; she even sent us some of her homemade rhubarb jam at one point. When they spoke yesterday, she asked how Christmas was, and he said it was great. He told her that things were tight, but how we'd been blessed by God through the people around us. He told her that I'm staying home with the kids and homeschooling. She talked about her grandkids.

And then...

She came up to Josiah and asked him to come out to the car with her. She handed him a $25 gift card, and then she took a small bag of groceries out of the full cart and gave the rest of the cart to him. I don't think he'd mind me telling you he cried and gave her a big hug.

He showed up at home with a kitchen full of groceries - staples that we use every, single day - and that's when I sunk to the floor, overwhelmed with joy.

See, here's the deal: our budget is tight, and things are late sometimes, but we're not absolutely destitute; we're decently broke, but we're not starving or anything. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying I don't appreciate the groceries. That is such a huge help.

But more than that, I was overwhelmed by the sense of God's presence in my life, staring at me on the kitchen counter in such a tangible way. It was more than my heart could take; it sapped the strength from my legs and the joy spilled from my eyes.

Pure, joy and thankfulness.

Conversely, this has been a hard post for me to write. It's hard to tell the world you're poor and someone gave you groceries. That's just not how we're put together. The world says no matter what's going on in your life you're supposed to put on a happy face and pretend we have it all together.

But God says:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God 
so that at the proper time He may exalt you....
1 Peter 5:6

and

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.
2 Corinthians 11:30

So I had to write it. I had to. God has blessed us so much, and used so many people to do it. How could I not shout His praises for it from the rooftops? How could I not tell everyone about all the beautiful ways He's touched our lives?

I just had to, and now that I have, I will send this into cyberspace and hope you're blessed by reading it.

What risk is God telling you to make? What is He telling you to do that's making you respond by saying, "but God, it just doesn't add up?!"

Listen to Him today. Let Him guide you. He'll never steer you wrong.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. 
"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11




Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Carnality of Comparisons

"Wow. That girl is on the elliptical and not one bit of her body jiggles. Her back is really strong, too - holy cow! I bet she hasn't had four kids, though. And could her shorts be any shorter? You are definitely looking for attention if you're wearing shorts that short to the gym. Oh, and see...now I can see that her face isn't all that pretty...."

Wait. What?!

The above conversation is one I actually had with myself at the gym last week. It was right around "her face isn't all that pretty," that a quote from a book I've been reading over the last couple weeks screamed at me: "comparison is at the core of carnality." (From Good to Great in God's Eyes by Chip Ingram).

Need a little more clarification on that? I looked up the definition of "carnality" (base word "carnal" of course): relating to or given to crude bodily pleasures; bodily; worldly; temporal.

Ouch!

So, as soon as the quote screamed at me, I reached up, grabbed a hold of that thought bubble, crushed it, and stomped on it

I realized that was exactly what I was doing! I was comparing myself to that girl. I was noticing all the good things about her that made me feel awful about myself, and then to balance it out, I was looking for something bad to say about her.

That's ten different kinds of ugly.

Just after Chip Ingram laid that little bit of wisdom out, he elaborated by saying, "...when I compare my gifts with someone else's, there are only two places to go: inferiority or superiority. I either become envious or arrogant. It's the same when I compare personalities, success, possessions, relationships, or anything else."

The scriptural basis he uses for this is 2 Corinthians 10:12:
We do not dare classify or compare ourselves with someone who commends themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise" (NIV).
In this part of Paul's second letter to the Corinthians, he is defending his ministry. In doing so, however, he is trying to be careful not to put himself in the same category as the people who are putting themselves above Paul and boasting because he knows comparisons and competitions are futile.

The Message Bible puts it this way:
We're not, understand, putting ourselves in a league with those who boast that they're our superiors. We wouldn't dare do that. But in all this comparing and grading and competing, they quite miss the point.
They miss the point. *sigh*

I've written about this before, about my need for humility and comparing myself to others internally (see "I Am So Much Better Than You...In My Head"). This is not a new struggle, my my God is faithful and good. He sees me and He knows me. He knows I don't always get it the first time, and like Saxon math, I need a spiral approach to learn the lesson thoroughly; I need a lesson and then practice and then another lesson and more practice until I really get it down.

I need this lesson a lot because, honestly, I think this is deeply ingrained in our culture, particularly in girls. Girls are ruthless when it comes to comparisons, and frankly, sometimes when you're growing up it feels like you have to find ugly in the ones who are so mean to you because you feel like, if you don't, you're going to forget there was anything good about yourself. 

Girls are mentally and emotionally vicious. They don't attack the body as much as they do the heart and mind, and they are bloodthirsty.

The sinful nature at its worst.

It's time we stopped it. It's high time we, as women, stopped this nonsense in ourselves and in our daughters. We have to teach them to look at the beauty in others and in themselves when they look in the mirror. 

I'm going to start with me, and my girls. 

In the Bible, Joshua once said:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD. (Joshua 24:15, NIV, emphasis added).
I'd like to change that around a bit. I'd like to say this:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then go ahead and choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods of inferiority, or the gods of superiority, or some unhealthy combination of the two, in whose land you are living and breathing and dying. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
So today, when you look at that girl with the perfect thighs or hair or voice or anything else and you're tempted to try to find something else wrong with her to compensate, or you skip right over that and go straight to putting yourself down and calling parts of you worthless, remember that you are a daughter of a mighty God, created by Him personally; you are his masterpiece...and so is she.


Linking up with:
Time Warp Wife - Titus 2sday
Juana Mikels
Simply Beth - Three Word Wednesday



Tuesday, January 7, 2014

How's your eyesight?

Have you had your spiritual eyes checked lately?

In my Bible reading this morning I came upon Matthew 6:22, which reads:

The eye is the lamp of the body.
If your eye is good, 
your whole body will be full of light.
But if your eye is bad,
your whole body will be full of darkness.
So if the light within you is darkness--
how deep is that darkness!

Honestly, this passage stopped me dead, which is funny because if there's one book of the Bible I've read A LOT it's Matthew. Why? Because every time I had some wild idea I was going to read the whole Bible, I'd either start in Genesis or Matthew or both. (Aside: Josiah an I are currently using the 365 Day Plan on the YouVersion app, and we love it!).

So, I come upon a passage that should be familiar to me...and is...sorta. I think I've read these words before, but I failed to stop and seriously think about what they mean.

This particular passage in Matthew is sandwiched between two passages on money--don't store up your treasures on Earth but in heaven and no one can be a slave of two masters.

Interesting. That seems to have NOTHING to do with your eye being your lamp. Fantastic!

I did a little more digging, and apparently, this was something Jesus said a lot, in a few different contexts. 

Luke 11:33-35 reads like this:

No one lights a lamp and puts it in the cellar or under a basket,
but on a lampstand, so that those who come in may see its light.
Your eye is the lamp of the body.
When your eye is good, your whole body is also full of light.
But when it is bad, your body is also full of darkness.
Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.
If, therefore, your whole body is full of light,
with no part of it in darkness, it will be entirely illuminated,
as when a lamp shines it's light on you.

Once again, I think this may be a passage I've just skimmed over and taken for granted. Like "Oh right, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. I get that. Moving on." But um...that's not what this says.

Let's break this down. 

In the Luke passage, and elsewhere when Jesus mentions this in the NT, the greater context of what He's been talking about has been the evil times or the Pharisees...people choosing to walk in darkness even though the light was right in front of them.

See, there is a "this little light of mine" passage, but this isn't it. This is a perception passage. This is a passage about spiritual light and darkness.

This is important.

The Pharisees and many others were choosing to stay in darkness...to see only what they wanted to see. They were putting a basket over their heads, or burying their heads in the cellar--whichever visual you choose.

Jesus was telling them to see the light--His light. 

You might look at this and say, "Those silly Pharisees. They couldn't see Jesus when He was right in front of them! I see Jesus. I know Jesus."

Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.

Are you sure your light isn't darkness. Are you really seeing the light, or is your light actually darkness.

The Pharisees didn't think they were in darkness. They didn't think they were putting on a blindfold to good, to God. They thought they were right.

So if the light within you is darkness--
how deep is that darkness!

That was the phrase that really caught me in Matthew. It seems so contradictory. How can the light in you be darkness?? 

When you think it's light, but it's actually darkness...and how deep is that darkness!

I don't know about you, but I want to live in the light!

Dear Heavenly Father,
help us see Your glorious light.
If there is any area of our lives
where we've inadvertently put on blinders,
dear Lord, please rip them off.
The light may be painful and blinding at first,
but we don't want to live in the dark.
We want good eyes.
We want great eyes.
We want Your eyes.
Please help us Lord.

Amen.

Linking up today with:
Time Warp Wife

Monday, January 6, 2014

Help My Unbelief!

"I do believe! Help my unbelief!"

It sounds so contradictory doesn't it? How can you believe and need help with your unbelief at the same time? 

I bet most Christians know.

That's a quote from Mark 9:24. A man was asking Jesus for a demon to be taken from his sick son who convulsed, foamed at the mouth, and couldn't speak. Jesus's disciples had already tried to remove the demon from the boy, but they were unable.

Jesus asked how long the boy had the condition, and the man said, "From childhood...and many times it has thrown my boy in the fire or water to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us" (v. 22).

My heart aches for this man. This wasn't a short term thing. If he was saying his son had been like this from childhood, then it must have been years

In my head, I can see him. A man, once happy and strong, now beaten down and weary, his spirit tired from the constant battle. He is worn with worry and riddled with despair (in my imagination, not the Bible).

He is desperate. Jesus is his last hope...and that's hanging by a thread.

Jesus says to the man, "'if you can'? Everything is possible to the one who believes" (v. 23).

And here's where the man says it - the phrase that calls to every Christian heart when they desperately need and want a miracle - "I do believe! Help my unbelief!"

Arthur Pink called this "The Believer's Paradox." In his writing from 1937 he said:
Unbelief is the great burden of the saint. It grieves his soul—the man in our text wept over it—do you? Gladly would the Christian be freed from this plague—but the Lord does not see fit to remove it in this life. Frequently it acts like a cloud that covers the sun, for there is nothing so effectual as unbelief in hiding from us the light of God's countenance.
...nothing so effectual as unbelief in hiding from us the light of God's countenance.

Wow.

How often have I felt this way? I know I should believe and I do believe, but oh Jesus, please help my unbelief! 

I was talking with my sweet friend Esther this weekend about this very passage and we both said that, often, it's not that we think God can't perform miracles, but that He won't. We are too worn and weary by the hopelessness and despair that surrounds us day in and day out. 

We know God can, but why would He? What if He doesn't? What if I get my hopes up and then they're crushed? Isn't it just better not to hope?

Apparently not.

God knows. Jesus knew. He didn't send the man away for saying "if"; He just gently showed Him his weakness. And this, again, is totally conjecture, but I think Jesus healed the man's son because of His response. It was pure and raw: a supplication to God Almighty in the flesh, wrought with honestly and humility.

And then He did - He healed the man's son. I bet there was some praising God in their house that night!! 

But later, privately, the disciples wanted to know why they couldn't drive out the demon. The answer was simple - that kind could only come out with prayer and fasting. 

Prayer and fasting? What does that mean? 

Prayer - communication with God; development of our relationship with Him.

Fasting - for a time, eschewing earthly food for spiritual food; leaning on God for strength and wisdom with every hunger pang.

The only thing that works in the hardest situations is total dependence on God. Jesus knew the answer.

So, here we are, wandering around this dark world, trying to be the light, but so afraid to hope. Is it too risky to dream? Or is it too selfish? Mark Batterson doesn't think so. In his book The Circle Maker (which I am just in LOVE with right now), he says:
Nothing honors God more than a big dream that is way beyond our ability to accomplish. Why? Because there is no way we can take credit for it. And nothing is better for our spiritual development than a big dream because it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence on God.
Big hopes and dreams honor God because we can't accomplish them by ourselves. That is a truth that fills up my heart with joy and sometimes it even spills out of my eyeballs. 

It's okay to dream big. It's okay to hope.

What have you been trying not to hope for? What have you been too afraid to dream? 

Cry out to God this morning. Tell Him you believe, and ask Him to help your unbelief. He's not our genie in a bottle, and He won't give us anything we want, but He will answer prayers that are in alignment with His plan and if we are seeking His glory.

Batterson says, "Jesus taught multiplication. He promised that He would multiply His blessings if we work like it depends on us and pray like it depends on God."

He wants us to hope and pray, and He will ALWAYS answer...even if He doesn't answer the way we think He will or the way we want Him to.

He always hears and He always answers.

You just have to ask....


Linking up today with:
Time Warp Wife

New Year's Ghosts

(I wrote this on New Year's Day, but hadn't taken the time to edit at all. Almost a week later it's done. I considered not posting it, but it's important to me, I think. So here it is - better late than never!)

Last night I got a visit from three ghosts...New Years Past, New Year Present, and New Years Future.

Just like Ebeneezer I didn't get much sleep, but I also began the morning renewed.

The ghost of New Years Past took me back fifteen years. My sweet Destiny was celebrating her very first Christmas and New Year, and we were staying with my parents in Durham, NC. I was a 19 year-old mom trying to escape from a rut.

We then visited ten years ago. It was another first Christmas and New Year, but this time it was little Emily's first. I don't remember what we did or how we celebrated, but I do remember that it was a higher point at the time...and my world was about to plummet and crash. I won't go into detail, but it was a horrible time in my life, a time God used, but a time I wouldn't ever want to relive.

Then we lit upon New Years Eve/Day five years ago: 2008/2009. It was little Ryan's second New Year. My husband and I had reconciled again, but our marriage was over. I had started working full time at Power Mechanical in the accounting department, and my husband and I both knew the kids and I would leave as soon as the tax return was in hand. Once again, I was starting a hard journey, but this one was on my own terms. I was leaving to find me again. I was independent. I was strong.

I was mistaken.

Enter the ghost of New Year present...


  • I've discovered that I'm not strong at all. I'm totally weak. I've discovered that finding me just really isn't all that interesting. It's a selfish, self-centered occupation. Blech.
  • Instead, I've realized I am weak, but my Savior is strong. I understand that finding me in the world's sense is folly, but discovering who I am in Christ Jesus is a joy and a blessing. I've learned strength through submission.
  • I am truly loved by my husband, a man more deserving of my admiration and adoration than I ever thought possible.
  • My ex-husband and I have a good working relationship, which frees my children from the bondage of our enmity. 
  • Once more, I'm ushering in the New Year with a new baby, and he is a treasure.
  • I have two precious girls who have been baptized into the kingdom of Christ, who love God, and look to him for their future; I can't wait for my two beloved boys to join them!
  • Josiah and I are on the cusp of starting our great nonprofit ministry adventure (I was designing the logo just this morning!!).
  • We don't have much money, but we have a home and it is overflowing with love.
  • We are surrounded by friends and family that love us and care for us.
  • We are deeply rooted in our church, but more than that (and more importantly), we're deeply rooted in Christ.

We. Are. Blessed.

The ghost of New Years Future didn't have much to say. We meandered through the garden of my hopes and dreams, but I know these things are just mirages. Today is a gift and there's no guarantee of tomorrow. Any future I have is up to God, and I place my life in His capable hands.

So today, while everyone else is making resolutions, I will simply resolve to grow towards God. Of course, I have some things I'd like to work on, but the word "resolution" paints in my mind a picture of "resolve" - someone heading into the fray, head bent in determination, relying on sheer will and strength to get me through.

That person is not me.

Instead, I am a child, looking up at my Heavenly Father, seeking guidance step-by-step, asking Him to help me grow, and loving Him more and more day-by-day.

Happy New Year everyone!