Thursday, October 27, 2016

Who Are You?


I've noticed over the past year, this blog is becoming less about my life under construction, and much more about me under construction. God has slowly been working on revealing my identity.

Just over a year ago, God taught both Josiah and I powerful lessons on how He wanted us to communicate and what our roles were in our marriage. We wrote a whole series on it last November called Marriage Renovations.

Then, God did the unthinkable and asked me to be more purposefully feminine, partially by changing my entire wardrobe. You can read about that here. I'm still a little salty about that one. It was smack dab in the middle of hoodie season!! I'm adjusting...slowly.

In recent months, God has exposed me to some people, particularly some women, who are powerful prayer warriors.

When they pray, you can tell they aren't just speaking casually with God or speaking for the benefit of the people in the room; they have a powerful connection with Him. They are speaking TO Him...and He is speaking THROUGH them.

I want that. I want to connect with God like that! But somehow, I can't quite connect....

However, God has also been revealing to me that my spiritual disconnect is probably directly related to my lack of one-on-one time with Him. I read my Bible every day (or just about every day) and I pray, but it's hardly without distraction. It normally looks something like this:


But if Jesus is supposed to be our example, then his prayer time looked like this:

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
Luke 5:16

Jesus OFTEN WITHDREW to LONELY PLACES and PRAYED.

I try to make excuses about my prayer life because of my "season" and the little people who wake up really early and follow me around. But let's face it: if Jesus can get away from the throngs of thousands who followed him and hung on his every word, I can probably find a few minutes away from my six. Just saying.

Last Sunday night I had an opportunity to be alone and just pray. Just me and God and a good bit of silence.

I poured my heart out to Him. I told Him I wanted to know Him more. I told Him I wanted a more intimate relationship with Him.

Then, I told Him I was going to be quiet and wait. I was going to just shut up and listen for a while.

And God spoke.

He said, "How are you supposed to get to know Me more when you won't even acknowledge who YOU are? Who I made you to be?"

Touche, God. Touche.

So, I thought about that. Who am I?

Called. Child of God. Daughter of the One True King. Adopted. Loved. Conqueror. 

But that's what He calls every Christian. I wanted God to tell me who He wanted ME to be. Who does God say Alissa is?

He answered:
  1. Feminine
  2. Joy
  3. Light
  4. Bold
  5. Confident
  6. Perseverant 
Interesting. 

Then, I was reminded of  a conversation earlier in the week where a friend told me God was calling her to be more like her name. In the Bible, she said, God was very specific about names. He knows our names. He has always known them.

So, I thought about my name.

Alissa is derived from Alice. Alice means "noble." I've known that forever. It isn't a surprise, and didn't mean much to me...at the time. 

Until I decided to look up my middle name: Shea. Then, a picture started forming.

Depending upon the source you look at, Shea means "majestic" or "stately."

      Noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.

      Majestic: having or showing impressive beauty or dignity

      Stately: having a dignified, unhurried, and grand manner; majestic in manner or appearance


Uh oh, I thought. This sounds scary.

As I looked into the synonyms for each of these descriptions, certain words stood out to me: 

      Noble: righteous, virtuous, good, honorable, moral, ethical...

      Majestic: dignified, distinguished, august, statuesque...

      Stately: regal, slow-moving, measured, deliberate...

*deep breath*

These words painted a beautiful picture for me. A picture of a princess...one who has been groomed to assume the king's power. 

She is humble, but powerful; righteous, yet merciful; dignified, but kind.

She is me...well, the me I want to be: the me God wants me to be.

She is clothed in strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come
Proverbs 31:25

Up until now, I've considered myself to be far more the court jester than royalty. I bumble and fumble and apologize all the time.

I disqualify myself, forgetting that He who sent me is IN me, and He is more than qualified.

My name is a derivative of Alice. If you have seen the more recent Alice in Wonderland, she spends much of the movie being the wrong Alice. Or not hardly Alice. Or almost Alice. She has to discover who Alice is before she can go on to slay the jabberwocky.

She has to know who she is before she can go on to fulfill her purpose.

I've been praying for God to tell me what He wants me to do, but I couldn't get there.

I lost my muchness.

I was the wrong Alissa. And then not hardly Alissa. And now...I'm almost Alissa.

I won't be many of these wonderful things overnight, and I'm sure I'll fail quite often. I pray those of you witnessing the transition will offer me both accountability and grace.

It's a frightening endeavor, but most things worth accomplishing are.

Who has God called YOU to be? He knows you; He knows your name. You are not an accident, and you have a purpose, but you might need to figure out who you are before you move on to what you should do.

Who...are...you?

Friday, October 21, 2016

We're Breaking Up: Kicking Out Self-Doubt

"Being prideful isn't thinking too much of oneself,
but thinking of oneself too much."

I don't know who said this, but whomever it was speaks truth.

Anyone who knows me well (or has read this blog at all) probably knows me and and Self-Doubt are the best of frienemies. I try pretty hard to ditch her, but somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I cling to her. I'm a toddler clutching my filthy, ragged blanky; it's disgusting, but comforting.

Sometimes, I forget she's hanging out, but then, mostly when changing hormones are involved, she makes her presence known, like the wallflower at the party who turns into the screaming, crying drunk.

Most recently, this self-doubt has been connected to my business.

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a promoter for a direct marketing company. It has changed and continues to change my life and health and promoting for them is what allows me to stay at home AND keep our budget in the black.

It sounds like I'm successful, but I never really feel that way. Here's the deal, and what I cried about to poor Josiah last night: because I've found a modicum of success in this beautiful direct sales business, it's made me "a leader."

I have a team...a team I'm supposed to be leading to success...a team I'm supposed to encourage toward their own success. In this area...in leading my team...I feel like a constant failure. I have since the beginning.

I feel like a fraud.

I spilled all of this to Josiah last night. He reminded me of a few things, and then today, by the morning light, it all kind of came together.

I AM a leader because I'm doing my best with what God gave me.

That's what I encourage in my team, right? I encourage them to do what they're capable of doing. Why do I expect anything differently from myself?

I look at other leaders in the company and compare my success with theirs, but they aren't me. God didn't put me in their shoes; he put me in mine, and these are the ones in which I am destined to walk.

I love the company, the products, and the founders, but also...

  • I am a mother of SIX children: one in college, one navigating the beginning of her teen years, one caught somewhere between funny little boy and learning to be a man, two rambunctious toddlers, and a sweet infant.
  • I am a homeschool teacher.
  • I am a wife who loves her husband fiercely and passionately and tries desperately to make him and our home a priority.
  • I am a friend.
  • I am a woman of God.
Here, in the life God gave me, in all these things, I am a LEADER simply because that's who God made me to be.

My leadership just looks different than other leaders in the company...and I need to come to a place where I can be okay with that.

I seek His will and His wisdom each and every day. I try to do my best to "grow my business," but at some point, I have to trust that if I plant the seeds, He will water the garden and bring in the harvest. 

He's the one in control.

There are those in the industry who are praised for "hitting numbers" and letting other things in life slide. If I'm being totally honest, that's what my first couple months in the business looked like because they HAD to. God put the opportunity in my path and a fire in my heart to help people and to help my family, and that sucker BLAZED.

The fire is still there, but now it's a steady, controlled burn...the only kind I can have and still maintain my home and family.

We all have to set our priorities. Mine look like this:
  1. God
  2. Family
  3. Friends
  4. Business
I will still continue to work on my business daily because I BELIEVE in it...but I also believe God made me a girl with a lot of hats, and I need to make sure I'm ordering my life accordingly.

Seek His will in all you do,
and He will show you what path to take.
Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

The Bible says if I acknowledge HIM in all my ways, then He'll keep me on the right path. Therefore, that's what I'm committing to do. I'm going to try my hardest and just trust that if I'm moving in the wrong direction, He'll let me know.

Whenever you turn to the right or to the left,
your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,
"This is the way; walk in it."
Isaiah 30:21

So, Self-Doubt, today I'm rejecting you. We're breaking up. It's just not working out.

If you're on my team, please know I LOVE YOU. You may not hear from me as often as some of the other leaders, but I pray for you often. I will do anything I can for you, to help and inspire you, whether that's business encouragement or you just need a friend or a prayer. If you need me, please let me know!!

I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, AND a leader. In all these things, I choose to THRIVE.