Saturday, May 25, 2013

Another Confession

My last post was titled "Confession" so this one had to be "Another Confession"...because I am not the most creative person on the planet.  This confession, though, is going to be WAY different than the last.

It's personal and shallow and ugly.

I've been struggling a lot lately. A lot.  Maybe it's hormones or possibly sleep deprivation, but I tend to cry at the drop of a hat.

The most common catalyst?

Getting dressed...or looking in the mirror. Both.

I posted something about it on facebook a couple weeks ago, and apparently, I'm not alone.  I had so many friends make comments after that telling me they felt the same thing. "We're with you, sister" was the general consensus.

Women have issues.  Seriously.

You know what though?  Somehow, knowing other people feel that way too, knowing they are standing in their rooms half naked and struggling to find clothes that fit...doesn't help.  It doesn't help to know that I just had a baby eight weeks ago.

I just seem to sink lower and lower into self pity.

I would love to tell you that the knowledge that it is self pity helps drag me out of the muck...but sadly, no.

I've struggled with weight my entire life so you would think I'd be used to this somehow...that I would have gained some sort of inner strength and acceptance and moved on.

Nope.  Still stuck.  And it's getting worse.

I used to at least look in the mirror and say, "Well, maybe they'll be distracted by my face.  I have a pretty decent face."  Not anymore.  Lately, I look in the mirror and just feel old and tired.

I've lost my sparkle.  Blech.

Still...loads and loads of self pity.  And it hurts...a lot.  People, I'm talking about sobbing...crying out.

But not to God.  He has more important things to do than worry about me feeling badly about my looks.  Even the Bible says:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 
1 Peter 3:3-4

Well guess what?  I am totally concerned with my outward appearance and it hurts so much to hate my reflection that it literally pains me.  It gives me physical pain in the pit of my stomach.  I can't stand for my husband to look at me with his adoring stare because all I feel when he looks at me is the same feeling I get when I look at myself.  Pain.

And my spirit definitely isn't gentle and quiet.  It's crying, sobbing, and snot filled.

So I haven't gone to God with it...because he has better things to do, right?

But then I remembered a little drawing the pastor did with Emily when he was talking to her about Christianity and her baptism.  He drew arrows toward heaven that could never reach; those symbolize people's efforts to get to heaven by being good enough, smart enough, kind enough, and "Christian" enough, but all those efforts fall short. 

But then he drew an arrow that went from heaven all the way to a little stick figure Emily on Earth.  He told her that Christianity says that instead of us clamoring our way to God, He came down to us.  He died on the cross so that we could be united with Him; all we have to do is accept it.

It was a great illustration.

It didn't occur to me until yesterday...crying in the minivan...again...listening to the song "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day, that the illustration shows more than just what I explained above.

The arrow came down to the little Emily figure right where she was.  It didn't come down a mile away and make her walk to it.  Jesus didn't come down and say "I'm dying for your sins..you just need to be this good before you can accept it."

He meets us just where we are...even as long-standing Christians.

Jesus meets us where we are whether that's in a church pew, an office, a back alley, a ditch, or in front of a closet of clothes that don't fit.

Psalm 34:17 says, "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles."

All their troubles.  He hears us when we cry out.

So that's what I did.

I went home, got on my knees, and cried out.

And it helped.  For that little bit I felt better.  I was able to get on with my day without bawling, and that was a great gift.

I went to yoga and spent the day in sweats with no makeup on...and still somehow managed to genuinely smile when Josiah looked at me.

I wish I had some other answers.  I know women everywhere are trying to come to terms with the mirror, but I'm not there yet.  I'm on a journey.  When I get to my destination I promise I'll share all the slides from my trip and the lessons learned along the way.

But for now, I'll just cry out.


Monday, May 20, 2013

Confession

Hi all!  The title of today's blog post actually sounds much more sordid than it is.  However, while this isn't a dirty confession, it is a very serious one.

I have a secret...it's one very few people know, probably due to the issues I discussed in this blog.

Ready?

I've been "called," for lack of a better term.

This is really difficult for me.  Not because I feel God wants something specific from me.  God wants something specific for us all; we all have a calling.  I just feel like I'm being called toward some sort of public ministry.

No, this is difficult because of my totally unholy fear of what others think of me.  It's like I can hear a choir of voices yelling "Why would YOU be called?  What makes you think you're special?"

The short answers to those questions: No clue, and I don't.

I AM going to tell you my "getting called" story today though because I feel like it's going to become a huge part of my testimony in the future.

Wanna hear it?  Here it go. (I'll give a $5 Starbucks gift card to the first person who can tell me that reference LOL).

As you all know, I went to the Women of Faith conference in Washington, D.C. with my church last year.  Josiah and I had only been married a few months, but I was already a couple months pregnant, and leading up to the conference I'd experienced some pretty severe morning sickness.  For the conference, however, God gave me a reprieve.  I wasn't sick at all the whole weekend, although I was sick the day before I left and immediately upon returning.  He gave me that time to focus on Him...and I would need it.

On the second day of the conference...in the midst of Sandi Patty, I believe...I had the most overwhelming feeling I've ever experienced.  I felt God telling me something BIG would be expected of me at some point, like the women speaking at the conference...and I needed to get ready.

The feeling had...weight.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It was crushing.  It pushed on me from all sides.  I couldn't sing anymore.  I couldn't breathe.  I just sat down.

I've never felt more lonely in entire life.

I was with thousands of women, and yet, I was alone...with God.

You'd think it would be something phenomenal and I'd want to rejoice and SHOUT IT from the rooftops, but in grand biblical form, I shirked it.  I tried to get away from it.  I looked out at the crowd and wondered if anyone else was feeling that same feeling.  I wondered if I was just letting the experience and the music get to me.

I ran from it.

I thought if I could just get out of that environment for a moment, then it would go away and I could laugh at myself for being so hormonal and silly...so I went to the restroom.  If any of you have been to an amphitheater restroom, you know that's not somewhere you typically feel close to God...unless you're praying not to catch something.  Blech.

But God followed me into the restroom.

I know...I kind of just made God sound like a creeper, but He followed me.  The feeling followed me.

After sitting in the stall for a few moments trying to escape God like a middle school nerd hides from the class bully, I gave up and went to wash my hands, staring wild-eyed into the mirror, my hands gripping the sink.  Why me, and why now?

I still have no idea.

As God would have it (because I believe in Him, not luck), I had just read The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis to Ryan.  In it, Aslan gives Jill some very special instructions and he makes her repeat them over and over to him until she has them down because he knows as soon as she leaves his presence she'll start to forget.

And I couldn't get that out of my head.

I felt God telling me to remember that feeling.  Remember the weight pressing down on me because once I left his presence...once I stepped out into the sunlight and left this giant worship experience, the whole thing would feel like a dream, and unless I committed it to memory, I would forget it.

And He was insistent I not forget.

So, I did just that and, much as I suspected, once I stepped into the light of day, the weight gradually lifted.  I ate Chipotle and was distracted by our cacophonous exit from the labyrinth that is D.C.  How many women with GPS on their phones does it take to exit D.C.?  Three and a phone call, it seems.

We chatted and laughed, and I forced the whole thing to the back of my mind.  I didn't dare tell the women I was with.  I love them all, but I was still kind of new to many of them, and just to let you know...getting a calling from God makes you feel just a little like a loony.  Just sayin'.

After we reached our cars in the church parking lot, said our goodbyes, and I climbed into the solitude of my van for the drive to the house, God pounced me once again (and now I've made God sound like Tigger...but it's the truth).  By the time I pulled up to the house tears streamed down my face, and I ran inside to my husband's arms and sobbed.  Despite it being late, I told him the whole story, and luckily, instead of thinking his wife needed to head to the nuthouse, he affirmed my feeling 100%.  He told me he understood.  He told me he thought I was right.

And I felt a little less crazy.

In the weeks that followed I told a few people...a very mature Christian woman whom I greatly admire, the pastor, and a couple others.  They were very helpful and reassuring, all of them saying they understood and felt I was on the right track.  But that was it.  The major issue for me is that I had no clue what the calling meant.

Guess what?  I still don't!!

I don't know what He wants me to do.  I don't know what the next step is.

I pray about it every day...God's will for our lives...my life.

After all this prayer and consulting with Josiah, I can't help but feel like this blog is part of the plan...not necessarily the plan itself, but a start to it...a step, so to speak.

I feel like writing and speaking will be part of it...but I don't know how, when, or where.

I'm thinking when He's ready for me to know, He'll tell me.

Until then, I'll continue praying and waiting patiently.  If I've learned anything in the last few years it's that His timing is indeed perfect...

and anything He has in store for me is worth the wait.


Linking up with Write on Edge


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Super-Christian in Disguise?

I have like 8 million (okay, maybe three) different blog ideas rolling around in my head at the moment, but this one seems to be the most pressing.

I was talking with my friend Julie today about how hard it is for me to get my NYR Organic business off the ground because I'm terrified one of my friends is going to think I'm being pushy or feel uncomfortable or pressured.

Terrified.

I'm positive this is related to the fact that I'm a people-pleaser.  If you've studied the enneagram, I'm a 6 with a strong seven wing...a "social six."  What this means, for those of you who have NO CLUE what I'm talking about, is that I am often motivated by the fear of not being liked.

So, I'm afraid to promote my business because I am scared it will make people not like me.

You know what else I realized in thinking about this?  Sometimes, I'm scared to be "too Christian" around people because I'm scared of what they'll think of me, or that I'll make them uncomfortable.

Ewww...that just wreaks of spineless and two-faced doesn't it?

I am getting much closer to God, and it makes me SO happy, but in everyday conversations with people I often find myself being embarrassed by it.

Think that doesn't make sense?  Try imaging me explaining to a non-Christian that I've quit my job and don't know how we're going to make "ends meet" yet because I feel absolutely sure that's what God wants for my life...that it's His will, and I'm positive He's communicated that to me through many different avenues.

Yeah...to a non-Christian (or heck, just a Christian who isn't strong in their walk) that can sound like a lot of hullaballoo.  That's some Bible-thumping, crazy, "God's going to make money rain from the sky" talk, right there.

So, I try to refrain from saying it.  Or when I DO say it, I kind of rush through it, or WORSE, apologize for it.  Like, "I'm a Christian, so that's what I believe, but I know you might not believe it" with an apologetic tone and this horrifying wince on my face (those of you who know me are familiar with my endless array of facial contortions).

At church or here on my blog, I can totally be SUPER CHRISTIAN GIRL!!  Leaping idols in a single bound!

But in mixed company, the glasses go on, the Scripture gets put up, and I'm people-pleasing Alissa Shea.  No controversy here!

Know what the Bible says about that?

Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. (Luke 9:26)
Well...that makes me feel like crap, which is probably good if it results in repentance.

Do I honestly care about other people's opinions more than I care about Jesus?  He died on the cross and suffered gruesome torture so that I could be counted among God's children and have a relationship with Him, and I'm going to be ashamed and embarrassed?  That's just not okay.

People pleasing = idol if I put it before my love for God.  End of story.

This is something I feel really convicted about, so I hope you'll all hold me to it.  I need some accountability, people.

What about you?  Do you struggle with sharing your faith with people or talking about it in conversations?

Pray about it.  Maybe it's time to ditch the disguise, rip off the layer of duplicity, and proudly share the cross emblazoned on your heart.

Do you think what I'm talking about is a bunch of bunk?  Or maybe you just don't know what to think?  Give me a chance.

Let's sit down over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.  I'll share my story, and if you want, you can share yours, and I'll show you how fallible, honest, silly, and sincere a super-Christian girl can be. <3 p="">



Thursday, May 9, 2013

Preparing for Rain

Josiah is just gonna kill me one of these days...not literally, but ya know...get really mad.

I have a tendency to tell a lot of personal things on this blog.  I don't air dirty laundry, but I do get pretty real with what's going on in our lives sometimes.

Today...not any different.  It's story time, folks.

Once upon a time (last night), Alissa came home and found her husband distraught

*Don't worry, here ends the third person narrative*

I asked him what was wrong, and he said he had just been doing some heavy praying.  Ummm...I think that's totally awesome, but isn't really an answer to the question.  After a little more questioning from me I got my answer.  He looked at his direct deposit, and it was WAY lower than it had been previously...about $100 lower.  He looked at last week's deposit as well...and that was way lower, too.  It seems the deduction for my health insurance started and cut his take home pay significantly.  $400 per month is giant for us right now...a deal breaker for our budget.  Neither of us could remember exactly how much was supposed to be deducted per week, but we didn't think it was that much.  We have some in savings, but at this rate, it will be gone by the end of next month.

Both of us tried to make the other feel better.  Josiah said he was sure God is just making it blatantly obvious that we can't make it on our own...we need Him and whatever blessings He is about to provide.  I agreed, but told him not to worry.  No matter what we'll be fine.  I stopped working, but if I need to, I can always find another job.  Maybe I can work part time waitressing at night or something, right?  Or maybe I can even get another full-time desk job, and we'll just pay for childcare.

However, inside, I think we were both screaming "WHAAAAAAAAT?!?!"

We prayed so hard about me quitting work.  Seriously.  Remember all those blogs about that?  We waited patiently to make a decision on that until we really felt it was God's will.  I followed all the rules on seeking His will.  I prayed.  I read  His word.  I sought counsel.  I paid attention to the things believers in my life were saying.  

How could I have made this much of a mistake?  I'm normally a budgeting pro (not that I stick with it, but maaaaan, I can totally crunch some numbers).  Why didn't I see this coming?  Why didn't I know exactly how much we were going to be making WITH my insurance taken out.  Hello?  It's cash flow.  I'm majoring (partially) in Business and worked in an accounting office for almost 5 years, for crying out loud!!  Where are my spreadsheets and charts?!

First, I kind of forgot about Josiah's insurance amount changing when he added me.  He's been carrying the kids since the beginning of the year, but it changes from an employee + kids plan to a family plan when you add the spouse.  Once again, I am well versed in benefits.  I know this stuff.  Why didn't I think of it?

Because I took it for granted.

I took it for granted that if it was God's will, then it would work out.  Thus far, I've been absolutely correct.  Just as we were looking at how tight our budget was going to be a few weeks ago, Josiah got a call from his brother saying that he had too much work, and he asked if Josiah would be willing to learn his job so he can work part time for him.  Blessing!!

But now there's this.  I held my chin up for a little bit, but after a while, I started to slump.  I felt so stupid for quitting my job.  What if?  What if I had prepared better?  What if I had seen this coming and hadn't quit?  I was making pretty decent money!  Then there's the fact that poor Josiah is working two jobs to try to support my kids and I.  I went back to the "bad place," the place in my head and my heart where I just know Josiah would have been better off if he'd never met me...that we're a burden to him, and he would have been so much better off if he'd fallen in love with a girl with less...well, just less (except money, more money probably would have been good).  We were now both distraught.

In the end, it occurred to me that they started taking insurance out on May 1, but my coverage started on April 1.  Therefore, there's a very good possibility that they were doubling up on the deductions for me until that gets caught up. When we went online to look at his benefits info it and looked at the amount per year that should be deducted for a family plan, it looks like this is a very likely possibility.  We would have more solid information, but the benefits site is really quirky and shut down in the middle of our search.  It still makes our budget unbelievably tight, though.

It was time to pray...good, old fashioned, on-our-knees prayer.  Which we did...and will continue to do.  Josiah also decided he was going to fast for 24 hours.  I would have joined him, but that isn't wise while breastfeeding.  Ironically, however, every time I ate today I thought of him not eating and I prayed.  Is that vicarious fasting?  Normally, you're not supposed to announce that you're fasting (Matthew 6:16-18), but he didn't announce it to everyone, I am...and only because honestly, that would never have occurred to me.  I don't think of fasting, and I don't hear people talk about it much, but it's a strong partner to prayer in the Bible.  It wasn't required of the early Christians, but it's mentioned that they did it in quite a few places in Acts.

Josiah also noted that, no matter what, he was glad I wasn't at PMI anymore.  I hated my job.  The people were awesome (I still miss them!), but my job?  I had gotten to the point where I just couldn't stand my job, and honestly, I don't think I was really doing my best.  They deserve better than that.  He said I would have been crying and dreading going back from the minute Phinehas was born, and he was right.  I would have been miserable.  Tomorrow, Phinehas will be 6 weeks old, and I would be a depressed, crying, snotty mess thinking about going back to work on Monday morning.

Today I think I've developed even more perspective on the situation, and I'm amazed by how God works in every situation...how he indeed goes before us.  

First, we started to watch Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University" DVD's again on Sunday, I just finished reading his book, and printed out the quickie budget for us to work on earlier in the day yesterday.  

Second, while normally the "nerd," the cruncher of all numbers, I think God kept me from doing that this time...because I wouldn't have quit my job.  I just wouldn't.  If the cold numbers had stared me in the face when I was trying to make this decision, I don't think I would have stepped out in faith.  

Third, I can't get the last couple scenes in "Facing the Giants" out of my head.  All I keep hearing is "What is impossible with God?" and the obvious answer is "absolutely nothing."  I'm also reminded of the scene where an elderly gentleman gives the struggling coach the following scenario:

Two farmers are in the midst of a drought.
Both farmers pray for rain, 
but only one goes out and prepares his fields to receive it.
Which one had more faith?

Josiah and I are praying for rain...we just need to prepare our fields to receive it.  Quitting my job to stay at home was part of that.  

Good Lord in Heaven, we are praying for your blessings.  We can't do this without you.  We know you've been telling us this is the way to go, so Lord, we have faith you will provide.  Lord you know we're willing to work hard on the other side of any door you open for us, and we're willing to work hard in the hallway while we wait for your open doors.  And like the father in Mark who needed his son to be healed, we say we do believe, help our unbelief.  We have faith, but we're praying for more...praying that the Holy Spirit will give us the peace that passes all understanding in Christ Jesus because we have presented our worries to You.  We praise your holy name!!!

So now it's public.  You all know we're broke and struggling, but you also know how God is moving our lives.  

I'll look forward to telling you all about the rain. :)

To be continued....