Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Own Worst Critic

This is going to be a quick post tonight because I am SOOOOO tired.  Was the emphasis clear there?  In all reality, I should probably just go to bed now, but I won't for two reasons:
  1. I really feel the need not to let this go too long without posting.  I don't want this to be another thing I start, but don't see through to completion.  This is about seeing the ways God is working in my life, and writing about it makes me take the time to think about it.  Very important.
  2. All I would do is go lay in bed thinking about what I want to write and that I MUST remember it in the morning...but I won't.  So, I shall write now.
Thought of the day: Why on God's beautiful green earth do I find it necessary to constantly compare myself to others?  Totally not healthy.

Mind you, a little healthy competition can be good.  However, in this instance I seem to consistently compare myself to others negatively, and it has a way of stunting my growth. 

Take my writing for example.  I tell myself I'm nowhere near as good as other people, and therefore, wonder at times why I even bother.  I read other blogs and envy their wit, charm, or structure.  I read novels and envy their use of description or dialogue to paint a story.  It makes me want to be better and not want to do it at all...all in the same breath.

Another prime example: my singing.  I'm even more critical of myself in this arena, I think.  I love to sing.  I will admit to being decent.  However, when I hear people who are REALLY great...the ones who hit every note without fail and sing the complicated runs effortlessly, I get immensely intimidated.  Once again, I want to perfect the craft and only sing in solitude ever again...all in the same breath.

I have the proverbial angel and devil sitting on each shoulder whispering in my ears.  The angel is telling me to continue to try and do and improve because the only way we improve is through practice.  The devil is telling me I'm a moron and to stop because I'll never be THAT good.  He sucks.

Bottom line?  While I may never sing or write professionally, I do have something to offer.  If even one person is inspired by something I write or a song I've dared to sing, then it won't have been in vain.  Furthermore, if I stop doing either, then I will have let fear steal a gift I feel God has given me for a purpose, much like the Israelites let Fear lie to them and keep them from the Promised Land (see the Book of Numbers...and thank you Dr. David Jeremiah for bringing the illustration to light).

That having been said, I'm going to work up the bravery to talk to the Music Minsiter at Menchville and see about singing one Sunday.  Know what else?  I'm not even going to do one of my easy, fallback songs that doesn't challenge me.  I'm going to sing this:

"Beautiful, Beautiful" - Francesca Batistelli (I would have embedded the video, but you can't).

It is a gorgeous song...and has such meaning for my life right now.  So there...I said it.  Now you all have to hold me to it!!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

On this day last year....

At this moment on the 21st of August, 2010, I was on a charter boat in Virginia Beach with my company.  Last year was the company's 25th anniversary, and to celebrate, we went on a 4 hour fishing trip.  I got totally burnt, touched some really cool (but gross) stuff, and had an awesome time!  (There's definitely a reason the croaker got it' name...and did you know the gills can tear you up?!)

That night, I reluctantly went out with some friends to Red Rock Lounge.  I was working 2 jobs at the time, and being in a loud, crowded bar on my night off just didn't sound fun.  However, my friends wanted to go out and I wanted to spend time with them...so to the bar I went.  It wasn't really that crowded, but all the seats were taken...and I was wearing heels. 

I spotted a guy sitting by himself in a booth, and after consultation with Valeri, decided to see if he would take pity on me and my feet and let me sit at his booth.  He did...

I met my Josiah one year ago today.  Had I known how important that man was going to be in my life and the lives of my children, I would have soaked up every word we said and everything he did.  I remember tidbits, but I wish I could remember it all.

What I remember is the feeling I had that this guy was different from the rest...and if I left without exchanging contact information, I would deeply regret it.  The Lord truly works in mysterious ways.

It has been a fantastic year Josiah, and I look forward to many more.  I love you more than I can say.


Saturday, August 20, 2011

Adventures in Tubby Running...and Other Exploits

Today was a great day.  I started it by sleeping in unitl 8, and then I got up and dragged my behind to the White Oak Trail at Newport News Park.  I totally love that trail.  It was beautiful outside this morning.  The crickets were chirping, the sun was shining on the water, and as I walked on the bridge to warm up I felt each muscle in my body slowly waking up. 
The sun was behind a cloud here, but it was still gorgeous.

The plan was to do the 2.6 mile loop and then go a half mile further so I could get an accurate current 5k time.  Things did NOT go according to plan...

The c25k program (couch to 5 k) that Krystyn and I are following suggests alternating 60 second runs and 90 second walks for the first week.  We're starting that on Tuesday, but I thought I'd get a little head start and see what I could do.  I wanted to really push myself.  My first mile I did in just under 12.5 minutes.  That is freaking AMAZING for me...seriously.  I was huffing and puffing really hard, but whatever...I felt good.

The second mile started well, but gradually I felt myself slipping.  My 90 second walks started to become a little bit longer, but I kept running for at least 60 seconds.  By the end of the second mile I was calling myself VERY unkind names and I thought I was going to have to pull over and puke.  Inner dialogue:

Body: What do you think you're doing?  Fat girls don't just get up and run honey.
Brain:  Shut up and stop being a sissy.  You can do this.  You're GONNA do this whether you like it or not!
 Body:  This is stupid!  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!  I see the van.  We're stopping at the van right?  We can guestimate right?  This looks right about...2.4 miles to me.  That'll work right?
Brain:  No!!  We're going to AT LEAST do the 2.6 miles.  Now start doing that sad little forward motion bouncing we call jogging and stop being a wussy.  We can do this!

It really wasn't pretty.  I didn't go the whole 5k, but I finished the 2.6.  I did it in 37:23, which is14.4 seconds per mile...my best time so far.  I was totally ugly and red when I finished, and I think the people on the boat fishing were snickering a little at my blood red face and panting, but I am SO proud.  It also made me think, with a little bit of training, I can definitely do this!

Later I got to go out with my wonderful friend Raieco.  We were going to go yard saling, but we got a little sidetracked.  We stopped for Starbucks, and since Josiah's always bringing me stuff to the office, I decided I wanted to surprise him with something.  As it turns out, you can't forget to take a Venti Mocha Coconut Frappuccino off the dashboard before your friend pulls away from the window without coating her door and part of your butt in whipped cream and a little iced coffee. Huh...who knew?  Luckily, it was easy to clean up and we only lost a little of the whip...I just totally saved him a lot of calories. 

When we dropped the drink off, I was just going to get Josiah to come outside because popping in on his parents first thing in the morning really isn't nice.  Then I realized there was actually a crack in his cup and it needed to be transferred to a new cup...ASAP.  So Alissa drags her friend to the kitchen door trying to catch drips with her hand while apologizing to Josiah's mom profusely.  She totally didn't care.  How awesome is that?!  She just chatted with us and talked about antiques and we showed Raieco some of her auction finds.  It was just lovely.  Raieco needed to get back to give her grandmother medicine, but it was great to spend some time with her.

Next I picked up my girls and we sorted all the newly bought school supplies and stuffed backpacks.  Destiny said it was like Christmas!
I love that she loves school supplies like I do!

Em was a happy camper, too.
 
We cleaned up a little more, took a really short nap, and then I took the Destiny and her friend to play laser tag at Menchville Baptist.  Ryan is spending the night with his Pop-pop tonight, so I got to spend some quality time with Emily.  She and I went to the mall...and got her ears pierced!!
Look at my brave girl!

She was really brave and was all smiles when it was done.  So we got a special treat...mini Nutter Butter Blizzards!
The earrings are hard to see, but they're little pink sparkly flowers.

Josiah met us in the parking lot so he could give me a quick hug before we went separate directions.  (We'll just skip the part where we had to walk back in because I left my keys in the food court.)  I picked the girls up from church and headed home.

I am so thankful for days like today.  Now I get to stop blogging and go start my schoolwork!!

 




Wednesday, August 17, 2011

SUCH a great day!

I'm gonna try to make this post reeeaaally quick, but this is just TOO cool not to share.

We last weekend I was pretty distraught over my car situation.  Then, I blogged about how I need to learn to ask for help.

Monday night I did just that.  I got down on my knees and told God I trusted him to provide for my needs, and I was asking him to do just that.  "Please God, help me take care of getting my car inspected and getting the kids what they need to go back to school."  It was like that, only longer and more heartfelt.

In the last 24 hours:

  1.  I received some money that I was expecting, but didn't think it would come in until towards the end of  the month.
  2. When I found out I got the money I googled my car year, make, and model with "clock spring," since that's what needs to be replaced...and I found a RECALL.
  3. When I got to the dealership to get everything taken care of, I found out my car wouldn't fail because of the ABS light being on (which was the other thing I thought I needed to fix to get my inspection).
So, my car is now inspected, it only cost me the $16 for the inspection, AND I had money to go get the kids their school supplies.  My God is a wonderful, caring, loving God and I feel so incredibly blessed!!


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Pride goes before the fall...and I'm really clumsy already

I jogged today (okay...yesterday, because that's actually when I wrote this).  I'm not a natural runner AT ALL, so for me to get out and jog nearly as much as I walked for 2 miles is a really huge accomplishment.  I pushed myself...and it felt good.  I'm trying to pay no mind to the fact that it took me like 32.5 minutes to do those 2 miles...even with my sad little bounce we'll call jogging.  I did it, and I'm proud.  Krystyn and I even decided we wanted to sign up for a 5k!! 

It gave me a little time to think while I was out there...and pray.  Of course, I prayed the good Lord would get me through my measly couple miles, but I also prayed about other things.  I saw a cigarette butt on the ground and I prayed for the people in my life who smoke.  I felt the air moving in and out of my lungs and heard the steady slap of my shoes on the pavement, and I thanked God for the ability to get out and exercise.  I felt the occasional breeze on my face and heard the birds singing their summertime melodies, and I thanked Him for giving us such a beautiful planet to inhabit.

I also had some time to think about Sunday night's post.  I thought about feeling powerless and needing help...and maybe even having to ASK for it.  Blech.  I think that's the hardest part for me.  I can talk myself into accepting help when it's offered, but ASKING for help?  Just the thought of it makes me cringe (seriously...full body wiggle). 
 
I would love to say the reason I don't want to ask people for help is solely because I don't want them to go out of their way for me...and that would be partially true.  But I think the other side of that is I just plain don't like admitting I need help.  I like my independence.  I like knowing I can do things on my own.  And those aren't bad traits.  However, when you find it nearly impossible to ask for help and then, when you do, you feel totally demeaned...that's a pride issue.
The Bible has a lot to say about pride.  Really...A LOT.  An appropriate example:
 
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

I'm a single mom, and sometimes that means doing a ton of stuff on your own and feeling like you need to be able to handle everything single-handedly.  On the other hand, it's sheer arrogance to think I can conquer the world alone, and God has placed beautiful, loving people in my path for a reason.  Sometimes I need to just humble myself, pray, and ask for assistance.  I have a feeling this is easier in theory than in practice...but I'm working on it. 

I also discovered that I'm very hesitant to ask my heavenly Father for things.  I hardly ever ask him for anything, and if I do, I feel guilty and as though I might be messing with His plan.  Like God is going to say, "Weeeeell, this isn't really what I want, but since you asked...."  No, it would just be another prayer that doesn't get filled, and then I would need to submit myself to his infinite wisdom.  Right?
 
Matthew 7:7-11 (NKJV)

7 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

God wants to bless me.  He wants to help me.  He wants to do wonderful things for me.  But sometimes, He wants me to humble myself before Him and ask.  He wants to see the needs and yearnings in my heart.  He wants me to communicate these with Him because we have a relationship.  How would a relationship with your spouse work if you never let your needs and wants be known?  You'd probably be miserable.  We can fall on the fact that God is omniscient, but I think he wants us to communicate with Him anyway...because he loves us and wants us to empty our hearts to Him, so in turn, He can fill them with His joy.

I'm not saying we should ask for material things necessarily.  This is not a "pray for wealth" seminar.  Ask for a million dollars and you shall receive.  No.  I'm saying I need to pour out my heart to the Lord, ask for His will, submit to His will, but still communicate the deep desires of of my heart.  Only then will our relationship be whole.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Back to Me

I don't know how to start this, except to say that I haven't been myself lately.  Those who know me best know I am almost perpetually sunshiny...really, it's almost disgusting.  My friend and co-worker Krystyn often volunteers to work out with me, but I'm not exactly sure why...I think it makes her want to shove me down a flight of steps.  It can't be easy huffing and puffing and being miserably with Rainbow Bright in your ear talking about how "if we keep doing it then it will just get easier!!" and "I know it's hard but you can totally do this!!" 

But the last few days, I just haven't been me.  My car broke down Thursday afternoon.  I went to Josiah's parents' to pick up Destiny, and it just wouldn't start back up.  So...GREAT.  Not only is my inspection expired because the clock spring beneath the airbag is broken and the ABS light is on (because I pinched a dang sensor that now needs to be replaced), but my car won't start...and wouldn't jump!!  Oh, and I need a new serpentine belt, too.  Like icing on the cake. *sigh*

I'm going to try not to go into any more boring car details, but it was a stressful weekend.  Today, I was able to get in touch with a great mechanic who cleaned the battery terminals and TA DA...running minivan.  But until then...craziness.  And not only was there a bunch of confusion, but when I was at home, I was totally grounded without transportation. Not to mention the stress of trying to figure out how I was going to fund the major auto repair I thought I was going to have to deal with.

When I was stuck in the house, I just wanted to read. I didn't want to clean my house. I didn't want to play with my kids.  I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I didn't want to go online.  I just didn't want to do anything.  With my state of mind, I think all that stuff just felt like pretending.  It's hard for me to interact like that.  I feel like I'm passing my "blah" onto everyone else like some nasty ooze, and I just don't like spreading it.

In talking to my dad, I acknowledged how silly it was.  God has provided for me so well.  I'm fine.  My children are fine.  I'm pretty broke, but my bills are paid and there's a roof over our heads, and we're not starving anytime soon.  I'm surrounded by people who love me and are tyring to help me and have really gone out of their way to make sure I could function (Susan, Mike, Justin, Jessica, & Dwayne...this definitely means you).  I have beautiful children and a Josiah that loves me...but I still couldn't help feeling sad.  I even prayed about how silly I felt being sad.

Even tonight after I found out the van was running...I was still not "me."  Josiah came over and looked at me and said "still pouty?"  Um...yes.  Still pouty.  Luckily, he happens to be completely silly and know how to cheer me up.  So after some silly faces, a special green tea frappuccino, and some couch cuddling, I feel SO much more like myself.

I wish I had more of a lesson in this.  I still feel foggy, but I also feel like I should get this all out.  I feel like I should be quoting scripture and telling you all how I really dug in and the Word pulled me out of my funk...but I totally didn't.  I prayed about it, but I didn't even feel as connected as I normally do in that.

I do know that I'm a very lucky girl.  I feel very blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  And I truly hope to have something more inspiring to say later this week!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Show Off Your Shot

Another special day at and then, she {snapped}...Show Off Your Shot!  


This one was not taken this week, but it's one of my favorites.  I snapped all the kids last year at Maymont, and this one of Em in the Japanese gardens is just epitomizes fall for me.







Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: A Renewed Spirit

Much like Rachel from and then, she {snapped}(which is from whence this "Wordless Wednesday" post came), I am pretty much incapable of going with completely wordless.  I like words.  How about I compromise and try to keep it short!

Josiah and I went to the mountains last weekend.  We visited my parents, saw some beautiful scenery, played a lot, and just adventured through the countryside.  Here are some highlights:

We're starting our Friday journey!! SO much better than work!

It's a giant skate...in the middle of nowhere!!!

Josiah at the ruins of an old mill in Harper's Ferry, WV...*sigh* I love that place

Saint Peter's Roman Catholic Church...it was a picture of this beautiful old church that first brought us to Harper's Ferry.

We took some time to lounge around and dip our feet in the Shenandoah River.

In front of St. Peter's

If you're ever on US 340 just outside of WV, you should TOTALLY eat at this place.  The food is great and the atmosphere is so freaking neat it's unbelievable!

And we stumble across a place in the middle of nowhere called Dinosaur Land.  What?!  A giant skate and now dinosaurs!!

This is how big these concrete monsters were...

Sunset on Skyline Drive...and A LOT of fog rolling in, which forced us to stop at Big Meadow Lodge...

which is where we found this deer right outside the room early the next morning!

My mom and I during our visit.  It's rare that we actually get a picture together because one of us is almost always the picture taker.  Thanks for doing the honors this time Josiah!!

One of our last real stops.  We ate at Frisby's Restaurant in Powhatan.  The food was good, the server was really sweet, and it was reasonably priced!




I had such a wonderful time on our adventure.  It was so nice to be able to get away for a couple days with absolutely no schedule.  I highly recommend it!

The Soul of a Writer

I know I said I was not thinking about my purpose right now, but something has really been on my mind lately: I want to write.  I think about it all day.  That has to be some sort of sign right?  I think I’m just really, really scared.  I’m scared of being some sort of fraud who calls herself a writer, but is actually just a sub-par individual capable of stringing a few sentences together.

I question myself constantly.  Am I even talented?  Will anybody even care to read what I have to say?  What the heck am I going to write about?  I've spent my whole life being a chameleon...where's my niche?  The list could go on forever.
 
I do think about it all the time though.  I feel as though in opening the door to writing on my blog I've cracked the wall of a damn...and now there's a mighty river of words pressing to break free.  I rarely ever have the opportunity to actually write when I want to though...dang job that pays the bills (jk..sorta).  Thus, what I think in my head is usually infinitely more eloquent and clever than what actually ends up coming out when I sit down to write (or at least I think it is and I'm okay with that delusion).  At the end of the day, when finally the din subsides and I’m able to focus, I stare blankly at the screen thinking, “What was it I wanted to write about again?  What was the fun phrase I thought of?”  But alas, I rarely remember.  When I finish each post I’ll be semi-pleased with it, but I know somewhere in the dark, cobwebby corners of my brain there is an even better post I missed out on because of the busy day and all the noise in my head.

Be that as it may, I still feel the need to write, and after all the praying I've been doing about my life in recent months, I think that has to mean something.  And about my niche?  Who knows.  God has given me a little piece of his plan, but that doesn't mean He's ready to give me the whole thing yet.  For right now, I'm completely happy trying to brush up on my skills here, going to school, and praying about the next step.

What about you?  For any fellow bloggers who happen to read this (if there are any), do you feel like a "writer"?

How do you choose what you write about?


 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Alissa's Lesson of the Day: Be Grateful for the Time You're Given


Time is such a hot commodity...and it always feels like my stock is low.  It always seems no matter how much time I get or have, I always want more.  I have the same amount of hours in one day as anyone else, and yet, it feels sometimes like I'm still missing some.

I did get to steal some time with Josiah for DAYS this weekend, and I truly appreciate that.  We visited my parents and Friday during the day he took me back to Harper's Ferry, WV and Saturday we went exploring in downtown Lynchburg.  I love "us" so much.  The way we are together is so peaceful, and yet it also feels like every day is a new adventure.  *sigh*  There is something so beautiful about being with someone for days and then, when you finally part ways, you feel like something is missing.  Nevertheless, back to our lives we go...

It was great to get the kids back today.  We visited Menchville Baptist, and I really enjoyed it.  It was a different service for everyone though because the pastor and the praise band were on vacation AND THERE WAS NO CHILDREN'S CHURCH!  When the lady told me I said, "that's fine" but on the inside I screamed...LOUD.  I wasn't angry or anything, but I went into a bit of a panic thinking about all the whining and wiggling I'd have to deal with for the next hour or so.  I envisioned a fierce battle ensuing, with whining coming from Emily on my left while Ryan makes a desperate effort to crawl around on the floor with only my fierce grip on the back of his shirt stopping him.  I pictured us leaving later looking completely disheveled and apologizing to everyone within 50 feet.

Ya know what happened?  They were really very good!  Ryan was a teeny bit squirmy, but he's 4, and Emily watched the entire sermon quietly.  I just had to remind her to remove her thumb from her mouth every now and the...which she did...without complaint.  I was VERY thankful and I actually remembered to tell them that, which I don't always do.

We came home and had lunch and took a really long nap.  Emily and I were the first up so she helped me make dinner.  A lot of times I'm in a rush to just get dinner done, and I have such a SMALL kitchen, so I don't want anyone in my way, but I realized recently that if the girl is begging to help, I should probably let her.  It gives us some one-on-one time together and teaches her a few things in the process.  She really does have such a helpful little spirit sometimes.

After that we had movie night.  We rented "Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules" and "Race to Witch Mountain" from the redbox.  It was nice to just cuddle with them and watch the movies.  Then it was showers and bedtime for them and a little computer time for me. 

Which brings us to a few minutes ago when I found myself sitting at the computer with tears streaming down my face reading a couple blogs written by stay-at-home moms.  I read about entire days spent with their children and wonderful daily routines.  Sure, there are struggles, but they get to see all their triumphs and hear all their little laughs, and I realized just then how truly jealous I am of them.  I'm jealous not just of the time they spend with their children, but of the fact that if they crave time away from them then they have a valid excuse.  I, on the other hand, spend a ton of time away from my kids working, volunteering, etc., and then when we DO spend time together, we have a tendency to try to cram in fun.  We run and run and run and run some more to the point where even though I don't get to spend a lot of time with them, I still want time away.  So here I sat, tears blurring the screen, with my pouty "it's not fair" attitude and ya know what word popped into my head?  Covetous.

The Mirriam-Webster dictionary online defines the word "covet" as a, inordinate desire for something belonging to another.  In this case, I covet time.  I realized quickly, though, to be jealous of the time these other mom's have with their children makes me ungrateful for the time I DO get with my children.  Today God gave me children who obeyed (for the most part) and patience when they didn't.  He gave me special time with Emily, lots of hugs and kisses from Ryan, and even some snuggling with Des.  He gave me wonderful time with Josiah this weekend and some absolutely gorgeous scenery, both of which recharged me and made me miss the munchkins so much, which is a really good thing.

The last thing I want to do is swallow whole all the blessings God has given me without so much as tasting them only to cry for more.  So today I am thankful...truly and deeply thankful.  I am grateful for the people I love and who love me, and to God for so quickly showing me the error of my ways so I can correct them and learn from them.  He is a gentle, loving, and merciful God, and for that I am the most thankful.

(For anyone who wants to see pictures of the trip, I'll be posting those tomorrow, here and on facebook.)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Hi. My name is Alissa...and I'm a Self-Slander Addict.

First, you may have noticed there haven't been many posts lately about my "purpose."  I'm kind of stuck on that one, and I think I'm okay with that.  I've come to the conclusion that if I'm praying for God to show me that purpose and guide me in my life, then he's going to do that...but it's going to be in His time, not in mine.  Therefore, any frantic search for it is going to be fruitless.  He'll let me know what He wants me to do and when He wants me to do it.  I'll just have to be patient and make sure I'm preparing myself spiritually for whatever task He needs me to carry out, be it BIG or small.

That having been said, let's talk a bit about my appearance.  Doesn't sound remarkably spiritual does it?  Let me explain...

To most people I look REALLY confident...chunky, but confident.  Those who know me best, however, know how horrifyingly insecure I can be, especially in regard to my weight...my belly in particular.  For example, Josiah and I have been dating almost a year now, and it still makes me really uncomfortable if he gives me a hug from behind and touches my stomach.  Normally, I'll squirm into a different position or just move his hands.  It's really bad.

I say I'm working on getting rid of the insecurity, but if I'm being perfectly honest with myself, I think I secretly protect and nurture it.  This insecurity is my friend...deep inside somewhere I coddle it.  I feel like it keeps me safe.  It's my wall and my security blanket.  Do I know how this works all the way?  Not so much.  I just feel this indescribable need to hang onto it...despite the fact that it's unhealthy and hurts Josiah very much.

Over and over he has told me he loves me...just as I am.  He wants me...just as I am.  On some level, I believe him.  But somewhere in the deepest, darkest recesses of my heart I keep my insecurity and I feel like if I ever truly and completely trust in his love, if I let every guard I have down and let him love me completely, he'll see that I'm not as great as he thought and he'll be repulsed...and leave.

I know, I know...I'm jacked up in the head.  This is not news, people; I've been this way for some time.  But the time has come to exorcise this demon because ya know what?  Josiah is freaking awesome and I can't imagine how much it must hurt him to love me and have me continue to keep this wall up after this amount of time.

Furthermore (and more importantly), God can't be too pleased with it either.  He gave me this body that serves me every day.  I can sit, stand, climb, run (or jog a bit), breathe, laugh, stretch, see, hear, think, and touch without even really thinking about it.  He's blessed me with this body and somewhere inside me I tell myself over and over that it just isn't good enough.  I imagine God shaking His GIANT finger at me, saying "Excuse me, young lady, but I made that body and I'll thank you to stop taking it for granted and speaking badly about it!"

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." ~ 1Corinthians 6:19-20
 I am not my own, but my body belongs to God.  Thus, hurling disparaging remarks at myself about my body dishonors Him, and I'm not really a fan of that.  This body He provided carried and bore three beautiful children, and while it has the battle scars to prove it, I wouldn't trade one of their little smiles for the flattest stomach in the world (not even if it came with great thighs and arms without jiggle!).  I need to be kind to it, mentally and physically.  I've been going to the gym, and that's good, but I definitely need to be more mindful of the junk that goes through my brain...and my gums, frankly.  I haven't exactly been counting the calories lately.

The other fact I'm begging myself to consider is that my body is temporary, but my soul is not.  I will age and things will sag, but if I continue to seek His face, then the parts that matter will be beautiful.  I think women, in particular, are susceptible to forgetting this, which is why we are specifically warned of it in the Bible.

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." ~ 1 Peter 3:3-4 
 Will I stop wearing makeup or caring about my appearance altogether?  Not likely.  However, from this day forward I have decided to make a true and honest effort to remind myself daily that God sees the ugliest parts of me, but still thinks I am priceless and loves me...just as I am.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. ~ Psalm 139:13-16