Thursday, July 28, 2011

Lunchtime Power Post: Beauty and the Beast, With a Twist

I gotta make this post quick, fast, and dirty because I'm on my lunch break...and a short one at that.  Should I wait until I have more time to give it the effort and editing it deserves?  Maybe, but lately I feel an extreme need to get my thoughts out of the jumble in my brain and lay them out so I can examine them and concentrate on other matters.  So, here we go....

Recently I mentioned Josiah's mom cautioning me against the evils of getting too busy.  She said when her children were younger, the times she often looked best to the outside world were the times she looked ugliest to her family.  This morning that was most definitely me.  I've just been running wild this week.  I'm trying so hard to get my portion of this Big Brothers Big Sisters event going (and I'm really excited about it).  I've been taking the kids to VBS for the last 2 weeks (and they've loved it).  I'm gearing up to get ready for going back to school next month (me...not the kids yet).  So, I'm single-mom running everywhere, doing everything, leaping buildings in a single bound...no wait.  Not quite that.  Sounds great right?  Well let me paint you a little picture of my morning.

I hit the snooze alarm 3 times this morning before finally dragging myself out of bed.  I hurriedly  got everyone ready, but not hurriedly enough because I was running a little late.  The kids were just being kids, but that was pretty annoying to crabby, can't stand to be a minute late Mommy.  So, I piled them in the car scowling and just praying, "Please God, help me calm down so I can get them to the babysitters without traumatizing them."  Know what happened?  We then discovered Emily had left her bathing suit at the house, and their babysitter was taking them swimming today.  Did I chalk that up as a lesson-learned and accept being a few minutes later?  Did I calmly tell her she would just have to skip swimming so I could get to work?  Ummmm...no.

Crabby, cranky Mommy turned into a snarling, wild-eyed beast, fanged and spewing venom (thanks for the phrase Jamie..."spewing venom" is just so appropriate in some situations).  I yelled...a lot.  I flipped out on my poor children for not cooperating and told Emily "NO LUNCH BREAK FOR MOMMY NOW BECAUSE OF YOU!"  I was supposed to go to they gym with Josiah on my lunch break, but being later would mean missing that...and obviously that was more important to me than my child's feelings.  This rant lasted about 1 minute, if that, but it felt like an eternity.  I started praying again...praying that he would help take the anger away.  I was just so tired, physically and mentally.  All the rushing for weeks has taken its toll and turned me into the very worst version of myself.

On the way back to the babysitters I apologized.  I told the kids I was angry because they hadn't been cooperative with me that morning and I really need for the mornings to go more smoothly.  However, being angry does not give me or anyone else the right to yell and scream.  That is not the way I'm trying to teach them to deal with their anger and I asked for their forgiveness for that.

So where's the Beauty in this tale?   Wonderful, wonderful Josiah...walking around behind me with a smirk on his face and picking up all my pieces as I drop them.  He took Destiny to the church this morning to meet her youth group so she could go to King's Dominion with them (and got $20 out of the ATM for her for food because I didn't have time).  He came by my office to get the car seats so he could pick the kids up for me today AND brought me a milkshake.  He's cooking dinner (shrimp and scallops) for us so it will be ready for me when I get off and we can eat really quick and go look at a couple houses with the realtor.  He's watching the kids for me Tuesday night when I have my BBBS meeting...and feeding them and taking them to see Winnie the Pooh. 

Sometimes I wonder how God could reward the Beast with the Beauty, but then I remember His grace.  I no more deserve everything Josiah does than I deserve the redemption of my sins, but He's given me that freely too, and I'll graciously accept both.


Lesson learned today:

  1. Doing a whole bunch of amazing things can be really bad if it they take your energy away from the things that are most important
  2. Slow down...so what if you're a few minutes late.  It's not that important
  3. When praying for a certain virtue, God will often give us more opportunities to practice them...be prepared for it!
  4. I don't control the world and neither does it revolve around me...I need to stop acting like it.

Finally, If you're reading this Josiah, thank you so much for all you do for me and the kids.  Thank you for the laughter and order you bring to our lives...and for really making me want to be the best version of myself.  I love you.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

*Correction: Mommy Murdered ALL Things Magical

Yup, that’s me apparently.  I talked to Destiny a couple days ago about my decision to not have Santa visit Mommy’s house, and I became the Murder of All Things Magical.  *sigh*  I can’t necessarily say I blame her.  This is a rough enough time for her.  I’m dating someone, and it looks rather serious.  Her father is dating someone else, too.  He is becoming ever more the atheist, while my household is looking more and more toward the cross every day.  She is thirteen and vacillates daily between tossing aside childhood and all its wonders, and embarking on this great adventure of responsibility we call adulthood.  Therefore, I should have expected the tear-filled, horrified reaction I received.  We’ll get through it, and I think she’ll understand eventually, but it’s not going to be right this second.
I have to admit, part of me is still clinging to the Santa myth, too.  Christmas is one of my favorite times of year.  I love the magic and the feeling of hope and love that accompanies it.  I think this was one of the major deciding factors for me.  My heart is clinging to the wrong magic…and if mine is, then my children’s will as well. 
Destiny argued that I was taking away everything magical.  “Are you going to make him stop pretending to be a dinosaur, too?!  That’s lying right?  Pretending is lying, too!” she cried at me with tears pouring down her poor, little face.  I countered that pretending is rooted in knowing something isn’t real, but using the imagination to explore a world that doesn’t exist.  She then yelled that he watches Spiderman and thinks that’s real…do we tell him EVERYTHING is fake?  Do we kill all his little childhood delusions?  That one actually stumped me a little.
I’ve spent the last couple days mulling that, and I think the answer is “no.”  I do not need to destroy all his magical fantasies at 4 years old.  Thus, if Ryan wants to pretend he’s Harry Potter and I’m Hermione Granger, then we will flourish our wands and yell with intensity “Wingardium Leviosa!”  If he wants to pretend to be Max from Where the Wild Things Are (Maurice Sendak), then we will create mischief and will dance with the monsters while they roar their terrible roars and gnash their terrible teeth and roll their terrible eyes and show their terrible claws and he will be “king of all the wild things.”
But when he comes to me and asks me about Christmas and Easter, I will tell him the story of how God sent his son to Earth to dwell among us.  I will relate the true story of how he lived a sinless life, died a gruesome death and dove into the depths of hell for each of us, and then rose again to prove the glory that was his birthright as the Son of God and prepare his disciples that would spread the Word to the ends of the earth.  That…that is an infinitely wondrous amount of magic.

“And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve ; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell : but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.”  Joshua 24:15 (KJV)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Mommy Killed Santa


About four years ago, when Destiny was nine, I decided it was time to tell her the truth about Santa. It didn't seem like a giant shock for her. She is a smart girl, very level-headed, and pretty intuitive. Later that day we were driving towards the mall and I heard her small voice mutter from the backseat, "Santa is dead." I, of course, immediately went into panic mode thinking I had permanently ruined my little girl's psyche and envisioned endless trips to a therapist because "Mommy killed Santa." I asked her to explain her statement. It seemed an inflatable Santa on top of a restaurant rooftop had deflated a bit and fallen over. Thus, Santa was dead. Hahaha...tragedy averted. She was fine.

On the other hand, Mommy killing the Easter Bunny for Emily this year was a different story. She cried and wanted to know why we lied to her. She said, "the next thing you know you're going to tell me Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren't real either!" Um...uh oh.

Why do we do this? Especially those of us who are Christians? Who decided it was a good idea to Celebrate holidays surrounding Jesus with fictitious characters bringing children presents, which then completely detracts from the true meaning of the holiday?

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not condemning those who celebrate this way. Obviously, I'm right there alongside them. Josiah and I were talking about Christmas this year, and he suggested that Santa not bring toys to Mommy's house for Ryan (since he's the only one the myth would still apply to). Santa didn't come to Josiah's house when he was growing up. Sure, they had Santa figurines and they knew who he was and they still got presents. However, his parents are very strong Christians and they simply chose to focus on the birth of Christ in their family. Huh...there's a concept for you.

On the other hand, when I was growing up, Santa TOTALLY came and I loved it. Heck, my parents still mark "from Santa" on their presents to me. I went to school and Santa visited all of the people there, too (at least as far as I knew...I'm sure I'm somewhat mistaken in that memory). When Josiah mentioned Santa NOT coming to see Ryan, I immediately had a negative reaction. "He's only four! I have to take the magic away so soon?!"

That was when it hit me. Here I am talking about the taking the magic away from him if I take away Santa, but in all reality as a Christian, the REAL magic should be in God sending us His son as a Savior, right? How's that for magic?

I still couldn't agree with Josiah right away. I had to mull it over a bit. What about when Ryan goes to school and the other kids talk about what Santa brought? How much flack would I have to take from family and friends over this? My entire life I've just looked at it as no big deal. After all, I've taught my kids what the holiday is actually supposed to be about, right? Nevertheless, in scrutinizing my reaction to the suggestion of removing Santa, I see where my own focus has been. While I taught my children what Christmas is supposed to be about, I'm sure I've spent WAY more time every year perpetuating the Santa myth.

Josiah also brought up very valid arguments to assuage my fears in other areas. Santa will still visit because I am not the only parent they have, and since their father doesn't even believe in God at this point, I'm thinking he doesn't have a problem with Santa coming to his house. He just doesn't have to come to mine. Furthermore, I may get catch a good amount of flack from him and other family and friends for making this decision. They may say I'm taking this whole "church thing" a little far...and I think I'm okay with that.

At some point, I have to let go of wanting everyone to like and agree with me and just do what I think is best. I have made a commitment to focus on my spiritual growth and I think this is part of that road for me. No more myths of men in red suits and bunnies carrying baskets...I'm a big girl now, and I think it's time for me to teach my children where the magic in these holidays truly lies.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dazed and Confused


Once again, my brain is pummeling itself with random thoughts...some that coincide with one another like a lovely ballet, and others that bounce off each other like big, sweaty men in a WWF ring...it's just not pretty. So I've taken my lunch break, and instead of going to the gym like a good girl, I'm sitting at my desk trying to gather cognitive data into something I can recognize as an actual idea or cohesive thought. Right now, it's all a mental hot mess.

First, I had a really great conversation with Josiah's mom last night. I was talking about starting the blog and searching for my purpose, and she instantly cautioned me against taking on too much and over-scheduling. She was completely right to do so. While the blog itself and my pilgrimage to purpose wouldn't actually cause the over-scheduling, that is one of my fatal flaws. I definitely feel like I need to take time to breathe more often. Josiah is trying desperately to teach me the art of being still...poor sensei. I'm a difficult student in this regard. I will continue to pray about this, though, and ask God to show me where He wants me to place my energy...and when He wants me to conserve it.

All of that having been said, I still need to do something with my life (everyone does), and guess what? Billing girl isn't it. I sit here at my desk every day and try so hard to focus, but this sitting behind a desk staring at a computer and numbers and shuffling SO MUCH PAPER just is not me. I love my company, and I am REALLY appreciative to even have a job right now because many aren't that lucky. But man, sometimes I just want to stick a fork in my temple because, frankly, it would make my day more interesting (No...not literally, Mom. I'm not suicidal. Calm down).

So again, that begs the question "what to do?" God told me not to major in English (seriously, He made it virtually impossible), so I'm majoring in Psychology, Business, and Social Science. Obviously, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up because my major is all over the place, too. I have life plan ADD.

Josiah's mom says she thinks I may have the gift of counseling. The major in Psychology would be good for that, although I'd probably need a trillion more years of school beyond my bachelors (or 4...whatever). It's something that could quite possibly offer a very flexible schedule, and I could always take on as many or as few clients as I wanted.

I had almost just completely put the idea of writing aside until, while randomly looking for running tips for non-runners (aka chunky folk), I came across a very interesting blog today.** This girl has (and continues to) put in her dues as a freelance writer/"bloggess" and she's really very entertaining. She doesn't sugar-coat the process at all; in fact, she almost makes it sound downright painful at times (working for free, getting scammed, etc.), but you can tell she loves it...and I'm almost positive if I were given the opportunity, I would too.

There are two major factors that limit my ability to write: time and my own crippling insecurity.

I could probably make time to write, but then would I have any creative energy after having shuttled three children around and hearing the word "mommy" so much I think my ears are going to bleed? Honestly, I absolutely adore my children, but sometimes the constant noise and chatter drive me insane. I think this is where I really need to make sure I'm choosing activities for the kids and I wisely. The more we run, the more drained I am, and the more they tend to take for granted. It's not their fault, but if they are conditioned to me entertaining them with activities non-stop, then the gargantuan efforts I'm putting in are nothing special to them. Plus, I think it makes us all tired and cranky. If I want to write, I need to make sure I make time for it.

I don't know what to say about the insecurity. I've had some people tell me I am destined to write, and others seem summarily unimpressed. I'll pray about it...that's really all I know to do.

I think I may sit down and pen some lists tonight. I need to solidify exactly what I definitely do and don't want out of my career down the road. It worked when I wrote down what I wanted in a boyfriend!

I'll share that list and more this weekend. :)

**The blog I'm referencing is by a girl named Jasmine and you can find it here: www.eatmovewrite.com

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Building the Foundation


I should really be in bed right now, but instead, I've decided to create this blog that's been rolling around in my head for the past few weeks.

Like everyone, my life is a work in progress; its landscape has changed exponentially in the last 4 years. With a series of baby steps (and some MAJOR blessings from God), my entire world has changed.

Four years ago I had almost lost hope that my life would be anything other than utter mediocrity (at best). I had been in an extremely unhealthy relationship for just over a decade, and while I had three beautiful children to show for it, that was really the extent of the good. I did get to stay at home with my kids at the time, which I will always cherish, but there's an opportunity cost involved in each decision, and in this case, the cost was too high. Slowly a metamorphosis began. I went back to school...something I had been dreaming of doing since I dropped out after one semester of college and began procreating. Then, I started working part time for my church. Next, through a friend at church, I got a full-time job that could support the kids and I and we moved out. I completed my Associates in Business last year, and this year I will begin the journey to complete my Bachelors. Oh, and almost a year ago, I met a WONDERFUL man named Josiah, whom I am currently very pleased to bestow the title of "boyfriend." :)

But, even with all these wonderful changes, I still feel a nagging desire for more. I feel as though I'm being called to do something...different? Bigger? More meaningful? I don't know. I feel God has a purpose for me and He wants me actively seeking His face and His purpose for my life...and so I shall.

First, I know it's definitely time for me to get off the spiritual baby food. I feel like my entire life I've been a Christian, but much more a "Sunday Christian" than anything else. I'm saved, took my kids to church, sang in the choir...heck, I was the children's choir director for a few years. Nevertheless, I felt my faith was stagnant. When my ex-husband and I were together it was difficult because I would be mocked for my beliefs, but even after I left, something was just missing. Since meeting Josiah and his insanely awesome family, I feel like my walk with God is being put back on the right track. Now it's my responsibility to make sure I feed the Spirit that lives in me daily, so I can continue down the these tracks, and bring my kids along with me. So, Construction Project 1: Spiritual Maturity. Progress: Underway.

My next project is a little less well-defined. I'm supposed to do something. I've known for a LONG time that I am supposed to do something. God is telling me I'm supposed to do something. But guess what? I have absolutely NO CLUE what "something" consists of. Nada. Zilch. I've thrown around ideas from teaching or counseling to singing or speaking in churches. But still, I have no answer.

I've decided the best way to deal with this is to just pray, live, and keep trying new things until God shows me my path. My current projects in this area include the pursuit of my Bachelors with three different concentrations (Business, Social Science, & Psychology) through Liberty University online and volunteering on the planning committee to put together a REALLY cool event with the Big Brothers Big Sisters organization (Hampton Roads Amazing Little Race!).

If at any point any of you decide to chime in (if anyone ends up reading this), I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. I'd like to hear other metamorphosis stories too!!

Construction Project 2: Alissa's Purpose. Status: Just beginning...