Can you take it?

Ya'll ready for some truth real quick? 

Here it is: sometimes, I don't like the lessons God has for me to learn.

Yup. You heard me.

Sometimes, I am much happier being plain, old, sinful "me" than I am being the me He's calling me to be. 

Well...let me adjust that...sometimes, I THINK I'm happier that way.

Last night was a wonderful example of that. I didn't get much sleep the night before last (not exactly a rare occurrence lately). So yesterday, I was really tired and whiny most of the day. I knew it was going to be a pretty busy afternoon/evening, but I didn't really want to think about it.

As the morning crept into afternoon and then the afternoon got a bit of age on it, too, I realized I had far more on my plate than I thought I did. I'll spare you the list, but just know there was a lot to juggle. I'd also forgotten that Josiah told me he had plans with a friend which would make the evening even busier.

So - there you have it. I was a bit of a mess yesterday afternoon...and that didn't go unnoticed by my husband.

I had already admitted to him that I hadn't planned the day well...and he heartily agreed.

He was upset and frustrated and very lovingly and clearly expressed that to me - I had all day to make sure at least one of these things went more smoothly, but none of it did.

Now, here's where we get to the "me not wanting to be who He's calling me to be" part: I do not take criticism well.

In my last post, I talked about how we should and shouldn't present constructive criticism to our husbands. Let me tell ya, I can dish criticism with love and respect and concern...I am a diplomat!

But wheeeeeeew, girl, let me tell you about someone who does NOT take criticism at all well., even when it's expressed with love and respect.

My first reaction is to DEFEND. I want to make excuses and give reasons, and THEN, quite frequently, I also want to tell you why it's partially your fault, too. After all, why should I take all the blame? Why should I shoulder ALL the responsibility?

Because I'm not going to learn anything if I handle criticism that way.

Listen to advice and accept instruction, 

so that you may we wise later in life.

Proverbs 19:20

Honestly, I wish I had known that verse yesterday. I didn't. I just now googled it.

However, God gave me a different reminder of how to accept rebuke: my husband's example.

Josiah is always so good at accepting correction from me. He does it with humility and concern. He honestly wants to know how he's offended me, and he wants to fix it. 

Did you catch that? Because it's really important: he honestly wants to know how he's offended me, and he wants to fix it.

Yes, I just typed the same sentence twice because I think it's that critical.

Josiah is not my enemy, nor am I his. He understands that I am not someone against whom he must defend himself and views my correction as a way to make our marriage stronger. I am his ally, his partner.

If both of us are constantly battling correction from the other, then neither of us is improving and we're pushing one another farther apart. In order for us to grow closer, we must learn to correct with grace and accept correction gracefully, as well.

So, by the grace of God - not me but HIM in me - I was able to do something last night I've never been able to do before: suck it up and take it...and then sincerely apologize for it.

I still battled within myself some. I still had the urge to share how I thought HE could have made the situation better, too. But I prayed my way right on through that.

In the end, yesterday was my responsibility. I hadn't planned well. I hadn't prepared well. I was tired and lazy and whiny, and that wound up causing a man who is working 48-50 hours this week far more frustration than he needed. He had to step in where I failed.

And he did...because I am his ally, his partner. We graciously make up for the weaknesses of the other and take the wheel when the other is too tired or frustrated to drive.

The evening came and went, and all was well by the time our heads hit the pillows - and I learned a valuable lesson in humility and accepting correction.

I guess we can call that a successful day, after all.

When your husband hits the "mute" button...

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins

in which you previously walked according to the ways of this world, according to the ruler who exercises authority over the lower heavens,

the spirit now working in the disobedient.

Ephesians 2:1-2

Ya'll, seriously, how long do you think it's going to take us to figure out that if we're doing something the way the rest of the world is doing it, then we're probably doing it wrong?

Last week, I wrote a blog post about women thinking their husbands need to earn their respect...and of course, about why that's an inaccurate perspective.

In Sunday School this week (where we're currently discussing communication in our marriages), the guys were saying that, at times, their wives' persistent attempts to guide their husbands to be the spouses and leaders they (the wives) think they should be has quite the opposite effect. 

Instead, these men stated, it made them feel like they could do nothing right, and they, effectively, stopped listening. They hit the mute button.

In the realm of marital communication, it's easy for us, as women (the grand communicators that we are), to say that putting up a barriers and turning us "off" are not good communication skills.

But here's the deal ladies...who made you the Holy Spirit?

D'OH! That's a sucker punch, right there, I know. It's a little strongly worded, but I hope you'll bear with me.

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading through 1 Peter, and I came to a very familiar verse:

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the [Christian] message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live, when they observe your pure, reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things [like] elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes; instead, it should consist of the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God's eyes. 1 Peter 3:1-4 (emphasis added)

It never ceases to amaze me how God can keep peeling back His word and revealing different layers to us.

Today's message to me through 1 Peter: SHUT UP.

Peter didn't say, "Wives, if your husbands are not living according to the word of God, then you should make sure you tell him because it's your job to let that man know!!"

Nope. He said if our husbands are not living according to the word of God, then we should bury ourselves in His word for them. We should be paying attention to our own walk, making sure we are living pure and reverent lives so our husbands may be won over WITHOUT WORDS. 

Oh my goodness, that is so contradictory to what the world tells us we should do and be it's almost ridiculous. 

It's tough, right ladies? It's so hard to just trust the Holy Spirit to do it's job in our husbands' hearts while we bury ourselves in HIM. We relinquish the ever-present illusion of control, and turn our hearts and our husbands' hearts over to God.

What makes us think that we, with our mouths, are capable of doing a better work in our husbands' lives than the Holy Spirit? Just a little presumptuous right?

However, you may make the same point Josiah did in Sunday School: what if the Holy Spirit is using a man's wife bring something to the his attention?

That's totally likely, right? (And ladies, can I just tell you how mushy it makes me feel inside that it was my husband who made that point? Whooo, I love that man!)

It can be. There are times when the Holy Spirit speaks to us and may use us to bring something to our husbands' attention.

BUT...there's a huge BUT here...

Peter kind of set out a precondition here: are you living a pure and reverent life and seeking to be beautiful to your husband with a gentle and quiet spirit?

See, it's very possible for God to use you to speak to your husband, but before you remove that speck from his eye, you better make sure you've removed your own logs, Sister (Luke 6:42).

Are you seeking God's face daily? Have you sought the wisdom of God down on your knees (James 1:5)? Are you hiding the word of God in your heart so that you might not sin (Psalm 119:11)? 

Let's face it, if we're NOT doing these things - if our husbands don't see us living pure and reverent lives - why should they listen?

However, if we ARE doing those things, and THEN the Holy Spirit leads us to talk to our husbands, I can almost guarantee you the way we do it will be different...our manner and hearts will be different. If we have paved the way with prayer and submission to God, then the Holy Spirit may help us make inroads to our husbands' hearts...

not by our strength and might, but by HIS.

It's a hard truth, sisters. It's counter-cultural and counter-intuitive. It makes us feel ugly and raw and guilty, and after all, how much easier is it to give advice and fix others than it is to examine and correct ourselves?

Way easier. This stuff is hard.

However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, if it was easy, we wouldn't need Jesus for it, but we do - desperately - and that, my friends, is the power of the gospel in action.

Praise be to God!!

"You gotta earn my R-E-S-P-E-C-T!"

Let me ask you a very serious question: do you always deserve your children's respect?

Got a picture in your head? If you're like me, you're thinking of all the ways you've blown it in the past: the times you've blown up, the times you've acted in a disrespectful manner...the many, many "mommy fails" on the bumpy road of parenthood.

Blech.

Now, let me ask you this: do you always demand respect from your children?

For most of us, this is a resounding YES! Most of us understand that, despite the fact that we don't act in a manner that deserves respect 24-7 (we are human, after all), we certainly have to demand respect from our children simply because we have a position of authority over them.

We have to teach our children that, even though we, as parents, are not perfect, they still have to respect our authority.

After all, if we don't teach them that now, then how will they ever hold down jobs or become respectable citizens?!

Furthermore, let's face it: households run in chaos, with the kids only respecting parents when and if  they deserve it, are a recipe for disaster. God's word says:

Children, obey your parents as you would the Lord, because this is right.Honor your father and mother,which is the first commandment with a promise,so that it may go well with youand you may have a long life in the land.Ephesians 6:1-3 (emphasis added)

The Bible goes on to command parents not to stir up anger in children, but to bring them up in the instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). However, God was wise enough not to make their obedience to us and their respect toward us conditional upon our own behavior. THANK YOU, LORD!

So, let me ask you another question: are you a wife that is denying your husband the respect the Bible says he deserves by virtue of HIS position of authority because you don't feel he deserves it?

BAM...that hits hard, right? I'm going to let that sink in for a second.

I had two posts a couple weeks ago (here and here) that discussed a wife's duty, according to scripture, to submit to her own husband (Ephesians 5:22-24). Afterward, I had a few wives comment to me that they really struggled with biblical submission toward their husbands for various reasons, but it basically amounted to the fact that they didn't feel like their husbands deserved their submission...their respect.

Here's the deal, ladies. Submission isn't blindly and silently following the leader. You are your husband's partner!! You advise and make decisions together, consult and discuss...but all with a manner that belies your respect for his God-given authority to make the final decision.

If you're still having difficulty with this, let me re-frame it for you. Ephesians 5:25-31 speaks to husbands, and tells them to love their wives as Christ loved the church: sacrificially. The word for love in that passage is agape, and as we've all been taught, that represents a divine love: a love that comes through grace, not because we deserve it, but in spite of the fact that we don't.

As wives, our hearts scream this to our husbands even when our mouths don't: you're called to LOVE me! The Bible tells me so!!

But ladies...do you feel like you have to earn his love? Do you always act in a manner that is deserving of that holy, sacrificial love? The same love Christ gave when he died on the cross for you?

We could never earn that?!?! We don't have to earn love from our husbands! 

We don't have to earn our children's respect! We should get both just by nature of our position in the family, right?!

Why, then, are you making your husband earn YOUR respect, despite HIS God-given position in your family?

Ladies, don't get me wrong: this is hard. If it wasn't hard, we wouldn't need Jesus to accomplish it. We wouldn't need to die to ourselves each and every day and take up our cross and follow him if it was easy. 

Furthermore, let me be clear, I'm no better at this than you. I am not on a mountaintop looking down at your struggle, but alongside you, climbing the mountain, saying I know it's hard, sisters, but we have to forge ahead, trusting in God to get us to the top!!

If you're wrestling with this (the same as all the rest of us), I'd strongly recommend reading Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. That's what I've been reading, and it's challenging, but in such a good way. I can't say that I haven't been wanting to write this blog post for a long time, since long before I picked up his book, but reading his words did give me some inspiration and got the cogs of my brain turning in the right direction.

Pray about this, sisters. If you feel conviction in this area, please don't harden your hearts to the calling of the Spirit within you or let this be just one more thing that makes you feel guilt and shame because you just don't think you can change. 

Circumcise your hearts, call out to God in your pain and confusion, and ask him for wisdom and strength, but do so with faith that He will answer because He is a God who gives to the faithful generously and without criticism (James 1:5-8).

I love you all, my sisters in Christ, and I'm praying God will help us on our quest to mature and grown in Him!!

**Disclaimer: I know someone is going to say, "but what if authority is telling you to do something wrong?!" I'm just going to ask for a general application of common sense and submission to God's word here. Obviously, God is our ultimate authority and we are responsible to him first. No one can overrule His authority. This post assumes the demands placed by authority are in alignment with God's word.**