Friday, May 4, 2012

Wrath and Forgiveness

Warning: this post will not be pretty.  I have some serious things to admit and it's going to be downright ugly.  You've been warned.

Part 1: The Bad Morning


This morning Destiny had to be at school at 6:00 a.m. to go to Richmond for her band festival/King's Dominion trip. So the whole family got up early so I could get everyone out the door.  It was going so well...*sigh*...that didn't last.  All it really took was Emily starting to talk back, and the morning started rolling downhill like a lead barrel.

I'm tired.  I'm just mentally and physically exhausted.  I'm not getting any sleep because I have 8 million things going through my mind.  How am I going to get it all done?!  My Nana and my parents will be here in less than a week.  I need to clean (desperately), wrap up my classes, and get ahead at work since I'll be out for a day and a half (and then going on my honeymoon a week later).  I have last minute stuff to do for the wedding, my hair needs to get cut tomorrow, and I need to have my brakes replaced tomorrow, too. AAAAAAHHHH!

All of that is really just a pre-excuse for the ugliness that's about to flow through my fingers and onto this keyboard.  Really.  I began to really lose my temper with Emily and Ryan (especially Emily).  All I asked was that they get dressed and they're fighting with me!  We need to leave!  Why is there a fight?  Why is there whining?  Why are you talking back?  This thing with Emily talking back and raising her voice is getting really old.  She started this morning and I told her she was going to have to get a spanking...and she ran. :/

There's not much that will make me angrier than trying to chase a screaming child around the house to give them a spanking before 6 a.m.  I don't spank very often, but this has been going on for some time and really just needs to stop.  I actually stayed pretty calm during that (well...relatively anyway).  So don't worry...this is not going to turn into a "why I beat my child" blog.  No...I think I actually did something worse.

I finally got everyone into the car about 15 minutes late, and let me tell you I was HOT!  Steaming, red, fire HOT.  I stomped into the 7-11 to go to the ATM to get Des money for her trip and I stomped my hind-end back out.  When I got to the car I could here Emily screaming and whining before I even got into the van and horrible, ugly, venomous thoughts crept into my head and what came out of my mouth when I flung the door open was, "YOU HATEFUL CHILD!  WHY ARE YOU STILL SCREAMING?!"

Oh yeah...Mother of the Year over here.

First, telling a child not to scream while screaming is just bass ackwards.  Second, her sister had been getting onto her about being disrespectful and, while trying to help, was actually just making matters worse.  Third, and most importantly, I called the poor child hateful!!  And guess what?!  That's not the worst thing that went through my head!  Yup.  You heard me right.  I actually censored myself and that's what came out.  You wanna see sin?  It's a few lines up and in ALL CAPS.

I apologized for my words when I got out of the car.  I told her it didn't excuse her actions, but I chose very bad words and I don't at all think she's hateful.  As a matter of fact, that child can be one of the most loving, insightful, cuddly people I have ever laid my hands on.  She has a beautiful little soul.  And all those mean and nasty things I thought but didn't say?  Those weren't true either.  I had a demon on my shoulder this morning whose name was "Wrath" and his claws were dug in there deep.  It was UG-LY.

So...that was how the morning started


Part 2: Mommy Issues


My relationship with my mom has been rocky at times.  We have both said and done things we deeply regret, and every now and then we still have some words.  (Oh Mama...if you're reading this, I swear it gets way better, but this is gonna be yucky for a minute.)  I have found myself replaying history with people sometimes and repeating some of the things my Mom said to me, knowing how horrible and awful the people would think it was.  I was scarred by some of the things.  I thought I had let it go, but somewhere hidden, deep inside, I still let it fester....

Until today.  Today, I felt the weight of my guilt over what I said to my poor little Emily and tears welled up in my eyes.  Not only was I ugly to my daughter, I have been utterly unwilling to extend grace to my mother and that compounded the guilt.

I have no idea what my mother was going through at any point in her life when she said or did certain things.  I also have conveniently forgotten anything I may have been doing or saying at the time that may have exacerbated the situation.  All I've managed to remember is my own hurt, and I've let it simmer and rot deep down in my heart for years.  I just feel dirty.


Conclusion: I Have a Point, I Swear


If you've hung on this long, wow...you really like me, and I'm appreciative.  I've come to a few conclusions.


  1. Saying evil things to our children is not okay no matter what we're going through.  Nothing I have said will change that.  However...
  2. We need to be willing to extend grace and forgiveness to those we know love us, and learn to get past the hurt and love them back...fully and completely because
  3. Perception is everything.  There are always two sides to a story, and then there's the truth, which usually lies somewhere within the middle.
I don't know if Emily will remember what I said today when she's an adult.  Will we be having an argument one day and then she'll spit out all the nasty things I ever said to her?  Like the second oracle in "The Never Ending Story" will I walk up to the mirror that shows my true self and run away screaming in terror?

I can only hope that she'll choose to remember all the love I gave her, too, and all the times I supported her. I know from this day forward I will choose to try to remember all the wonderful things people have done for me instead of focusing on the harm they may have caused me...and that especially applies to my mother.

Happy early Mother's Day, Mom.  I love you very dearly.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May's To-Do List

Oh my goodness, it's MAY!  That is just so unbelievable to me.  I'm getting married in 10 days!!!   I also have other little countdown numbers, like my Nana will be here in 8 days and we leave for Orlando to go on our honeymoon in 17 days.  I'm so excited!!!  And I'm not just talking regular excitement here people.  I can barely contain myself.  I feel like I want to scream and jump around...like my whole body is having a party on the inside, but I don't get to party yet because I have things to do and if I mention my wedding one more time and how happy and excited I am the people in my office might take me outside and hang me.  I mean, they're really happy for me, but I'm annoyingly bouncy even when I'm NOT getting married to the absolute love of my life...just sayin'.

So, with everything I have going on, I thought now would be a REALLY good time to take a page from my lovely photographer's book (Amanda Truth Photography) and start blogging a to-do list each month at the beginning of the month.  Each month after this one, I'll also post on what I have and have not accomplished the month prior.  This will 1) allow me to keep track of what I am accomplishing and the areas I need to improve on and 2) will mean I'm blogging at least once per month! Haha...


May's To-Do List

  • FOCUS - As hard as it may be, I at least need to try to focus at work.  I haven't been great at that lately.  I feel like I just have SO much going on in my brain.  Normally, I wouldn't consider myself as having ADD, but right now, that's how I feel.  I'm scattered.  I must get this under control.  Despite the fact that I have tons going on every second, I have to focus on what needs to get done at the office.
  • Wrap up the little wedding details - I have so many little things that need to be done.  I need to tie bows on the bowls, find some more bud vases (anyone have any?!), and get the little red glass dealies to go in the bowls.  I also need to take a trip to Ulta to get some more mascara and to Kmart to see if I can exchange some things for the reception and then decorate those things (it's a surprise :P).   
  • Hair - I bought a Living Social deal forever ago for a shampoo, deep conditioning treatment, cut, dry, and partial highlight for $55.  I swear by sites like this and Groupon.  You can get such great deals!  Anyway, I made an appointment for this Saturday to get that done, and afterwards, I really need to experiment with my hair at some point because I still haven't actually tried out my wedding hair, and this might be important since I'm doing it myself!  
  • School - I would really like to be finished with ALL of my schoolwork for the semester by Sunday night.  That may be pushing it, but I have so much to do that I can't afford to waste time.  I don't want to have to finish anything while my Nana and parents are here!!
  •  GET MARRIED!! - This one is really a no-brainer, but is way too important to get left off the list.  With it, I'm going to clump packing for the honeymoon and going on the honeymoon.  So there...packing is totally a to-do list item.
  •  Workouts - I need to be exercising at least 3 times a week.  Seriously.  It should not be that hard to walk or something three times per week for 20-30 minutes.  I think I'm going to start marking days I work out on the calendar so I can keep track.
  • Move - Josiah is doing an awesome job of taking things out of my house and putting them in his.  However, I need to be doing  a much better job of helping in the process.  I'm also going to have a lot of cleaning to do once I get everything moved.
There's SO much more I really want to put on this list...like working on quiet times with my kids, teaching them more Bible verses, learning more of those myself, creating a schedule for the new house, putting everything in the new house away, blogging more often, taking more pics of the kids...just so much, but I have a feeling I need to limit the goal setting for now.  I have so much that needs to get done and so little time in which to do it.  Josiah and I will have the rest of our lives to focus on other things....  :)