Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Next Day

*sigh*

The next day. The day after the whiny rant.

Here's the way this works. I feel a certain way for a looooong time, and I have a really hard time shaking it. So, I finally write about it to get it off my chest, and then God shows me why I'm wrong.

Actually, strike that. It's at that point, when I've opened myself up for the world to see, that my heart is finally softened so he can make his point...I think.

I'm a work in progress folks.

Anyway, regarding yesterday's little "rant," I've been convicted in the following ways:


  1. Wow. I am prideful. So prideful. This isn't really a shock to me because, as it turns out, almost every time I feel deep conviction, it's because of my pride. I want God to do this, and I want God to do that. Like the creator of the universe needs to bend to my will and do what I want when I want it. Prideful.
  2. The whole "I'm lost" thing is complete crap. Completely. Crap. I'm not lost. That's the point of the Good News. I'm found ya'll. I've been adopted by the aforementioned Creator of the universe. I CAN'T be lost. He knows the number of hairs on my head, and I'm not lost at all. He's just making me wait...spoiled brat that I am.
  3. A lot of my whining about my efforts has been that I don't feel they're fruitful, so I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. How do I know? In Galatians Paul says, "So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we do not give up" (6:9, emphasis added). Yup. Like Josiah noted last night, we prayed a lot before we started this marriage ministry and all along the way. It's not what I'M doing anyway (prideful again), it's what GOD chooses to do. I do the work, and he grows the fruit. 
God is making me wait for a reason, but He hasn't left me. He hasn't forsaken me. Why, then, have I been feeling so stinkin' ALONE?! 

Because of THIS. I haven't been doing THIS.

I've told myself that I don't have anything to write about, and besides, I don't have the time to write. Who has time to write?!

I do. 

If I've got time to mindlessly scroll through facebook, then I've got time to jot down thoughts about how God's working in my life.

See, I'm a verbal processor. In order to really solidify my thoughts, I need to share them.

I've told myself since not many people read this blog, it's a waste of time. However, I now know that's not true.

God has told me to write, and if no one else reads it, then no one else reads it. This is about me being obedient. As it turns out, God doesn't necessarily want me to write for other people; He wants me to write for me. So I can grow closer to Him.

I bawled talking to Josiah about all this last night. I asked where God was. I've been seeking Him every day. I used to feel Him moving in my life and speaking to me. Is He mad at me? Why has He left me?

He hasn't gone anywhere. He's just been waiting for me to obey Him so He could speak to me. For me, reading His word isn't enough. I've got to write about it in order to actually process and apply it. 

That's me. He knows it. He created me; every bit of me. 

You know me, God. 

In true God-like form, He also sent me a little word today, and of course, He chose to do it through a child.

Little Ryan sauntered into the dining room this morning before breakfast and said, "I did my devotion, Mom. It was on waiting. God makes us wait for birthdays and all kinds of stuff. I'm waiting for Phinehas's birthday!"

Then, he got his breakfast.

I pulled out his devotion, and read it. God is so awesome. The words and Scriptures that go with it are below:

While You Wait (from Jesus Calling for Kids, March 26th - he wasn't even reading the right date)

It is good to wait quietly for the Lord to save.
-Lamentations 3:26

Waiting is not an easy thing to do, but there is a lot of it in this world. You wait for birthdays to come; you wait for your ride to arrive; you wait in all kinds of lines. You even sometimes wait with worry for bad things that never happen.

Waiting on Me is different. You are waiting for the perfect timing of My plans in your life. Waiting on Me means trusting me with every fiber of your being instead of trying to figure it all out yourself. When you trust me - when you wait for my timing - I will fill your life with blessings. I will give you strength and joy and hope. And I will give you My Presence - while you wait.

I say: the Lord is my portion,
therefore, I will put my hope in Him.
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
Lamentations 3:24-25

You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.
Psalm 16:11






Friday, March 27, 2015

Lost



A few minutes ago, a young man who's wrestling with what to do with his future asked me how I got into the ministry.

I literally laughed out loud. Literally. L-O-L.

Is that what I am? I'm in the ministry? I mean, sure, I'd really like to be. I'd LOVE to be. I feel like that's what God has called me to do, but...is that what I'm doing?

I'm the director of our church's marriage ministry at church, but let's face it, that doesn't make me IN ministry. That makes me a glorified Sunday School teacher. And there's this blog...that I do nothing with anymore...that I avoid like the plague because it makes me feel like a failure.

I don't know what I am anymore or where I belong. I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads screaming at God to tell me which way to go...but nothing...not yet.

Josiah and I don't know where we should be. Here? In Texas? Somewhere entirely different?

He's looking for a new job, but we don't know where that's going to be. Wherever that is, that's where we'll assume God wants us. But nothing yet.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel completely stagnant. I feel like no matter what I do to try to make a difference where I am, I'm just failing...so I wanna leave.

The nomad in me wants to take off for better pastures, I think. Maybe it's just not in my blood to stay one place for too long.

I just feel lost.

There's my confession for all you folks: I am lost.

I don't know where I belong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I had a pastor tell me one time that if you'll pay close attention, you'll find God will send you people to encourage you on the path you're supposed to be on...they'll encourage you in the area of your gifts.

I've felt that feeling before. When I was trying to decide whether to stay home and homeschool or continue working, I felt like God put a lot of people in my path to encourage me to homseschool. That was my path.

But now...I feel nothing. No encouragement...not in speaking, writing, or the marriage ministry. Does that mean I'm not supposed to be doing it?

Maybe I've completely misinterpreted what God wants from me.

I've avoided writing about this for some time. I've tried to wrestle silently with the whole issue...to try to work it out with God in my head and my heart.

But He's been pretty silent on it. I don't know what that means either.

You know what I told that kid? The one who asked me the question a few minutes ago? I told him the decision probably wasn't important right now because if it was, God would make His will known.

You know what? I. AM. A. HYPOCRITE. Because I don't feel at all that way.

And I truly wish I had something more definitive to say about this...something that wraps it up in a pretty bow and makes it a lesson. Something that gives this rant value to anyone...even me.

But I don't. I just...needed to get it off my chest, I guess.

I'm sure I'll feel convicted about it tomorrow, but today...it is what it is.

Today I'm lost.