Friday, November 9, 2012

Why a "First Look"?

When my absolutely wonderful wedding photographer, Amanda Truth, asked me to write a guest post for her while she was on vacation, I was absolutely honored…and stumped.  However, it occurred to me that the best thing I could write about is a decision Amanda helped me make about my wedding – and I couldn’t be happier that I took her advice.
          
She advised me to do a “first look.”
Honestly, I didn’t even know what a first look was when she asked if I was going to do one.  Do you know what one is?  Well, doesn’t matter either way because I’m going to tell you....
Want to read more?  Check out the rest of the post on Amanda's blog!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Lessons from Friends and Family

Hi everyone!  I posted yesterday about being nervous and scared regarding what will happen with me occupationally after having the baby.  I got some of the coolest responses from friends and family, and I learned a lot from them.  Today is all about those lessons!

  1. Two people told me to breathe which means I must have been giving off a hyperventilating vibe.  I would love to say that wasn't the case, and it just came off that way because I was "stream of consciousness" writing.  But let's be real...I totally needed to breathe.  See?  That's one of the reasons I like writing this blog so much!  I don't always allow myself to express these frustrations or fears until I can write them out or work them out with someone verbally.  I just shove them to the side until they make me a little nuts!  So...thank you Julie and Trish...I breathed. :P
  2. Another friend sent me a private message on FB and told me how God had worked in her family's life which led to her being able to stay at home.  She also said she feels like God worked in her husband's heart to make that his desire for the family, and therefore, a desire they both shared.  She shared Psalm 37:4 which states that if we find our delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts, which she took to mean if we are truly seeking His will and glory, he will work in our hearts to make HIS desires our desires.  Well...that's novel...and probably remarkably accurate. I think I tend to over-inflate my importance and underestimate His abilities.  
  3. My cousin Trish actually said a few things that got me.  The first was "breathe," but we already went over that.  Second, she told me to look up Matthew 6:31-34.  It says, " So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Well...ouch.  Worrying like the pagans.  Yeesh.  I'm spending time worrying instead of trusting my ALMIGHTY God.  Nice...is that a waste of time much?  Furthermore, if having an active faith is what distinguishes me from those who don't know our loving, faithful God, I might want to put my "money where my mouth is" so to speak, and live my faith.
  4. She then noted 1 Peter 5:7 which says to cast all our anxieties on the Lord.  We all know that though, right?  And we just talked about that a second ago.  But she also said I shouldn't give him my anxieties and then take them back.  Yay...more conviction.  She's absolutely right.  I keep praying and telling Him I'm going to trust Him, and then I yank my concerns back as though HE isn't capable of handling them...like I'm going to be better at it. *sigh*  
So, that's what I learned from my friends...I'm a spastic, non-trusting, anxiety taker-backer (I was going to say "Indian Giver" and then realized that's probably not at all a nice term).  Kidding...I know that's not what my loving friends and family meant, but a good dose of conviction along with love and support is never a bad thing.  I'm very appreciative.

There were also a couple little things that have happened in the last couple days to confirm this desire in my heart to be with my kids.  

First, in the introductions we have to do at the beginning of our classes one girl said she was a mom and a wife and went on to note that those were full-time jobs, but she wasn't currently working for pay outside the home.  I posted a reply to her saying that I agreed with her completely!  Being a wife and mom IS a full-time job, and I told her unfortunately, I feel like I've been a full-time worker outside the home for quite some time and my kids have been my part-time job.

*Insert sound of record screeching to a halt*

Did I really just say that?  Did I really just say that I feel my children (and now my husband), have been my part-time job?!  Yes.  Yes I did.  Furthermore, not only did I say it, I knew I actually felt it.  I had never thought it out loud before or even acknowledged it, but it is the absolute truth, and it made me SO SAD.

Mind you, there isn't really anything I could have done about it before.  Single moms rarely get to be stay at home moms unless they're getting some wicked child/spousal support, and that just isn't happening. 

But I'm married now, and we decided to leave the timing of a new baby up to God, and God said NOW.  I truly think that says something.  I knew I was supposed to be waiting for something (see this post).  I've known that for some time.  I got confirmation of it when I went to the Women of Faith conference.  I was waiting...and I think this was what I was waiting for.  I would NOT be considering not working right now if God hadn't placed this beautiful creature in my womb.

Also, another friend emailed me yesterday telling me how wonderful she was doing (because I had asked) and told me how much she had loved staying at home for the past year with her kids, that she would never have a career again (just jobs, if necessary), and to absolutely do it if I ever got the chance.  What's odd about this?  She wrote this to me on the same day I wrote that blog...but hadn't read my blog yet.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Okay God, I'm listening.  You have my trust and my attention.

Thank you to all the friends and family that love and support me so much...and make me see the light when I'm covering my own eyes.  I love you all. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Dilemma

I saw Heather's "Just Write" post over at The Extraordinary Ordinary today, and I sighed and took in a breath of fresh air.  That's so what I need.  I need to just write all the things that are going on in my head right now without thinking about how they all fit together.

Mainly, I'm kind of scared right now...and that makes me feel really guilty.  If I have faith in God, then being faithful is actively exercising that faith, right?  Faith in action.  Then what part in my life can fear playt?  Do I doubt God's ability to take care of me?  No, I definitely don't doubt that.  I think I doubt my ability to correctly interpret exactly what it is He wants me to do.  I think I fear taking what I want and trying to make it God's will.

The main issue right now?  What the heck are we going to do when I have this baby?  There are women all over the world that have four children and work full-time; why do I feel so adamantly opposed to it?  I want to do what's best for my family - spiritually, emotionally, and financially.  I feel SO guilty for not wanting to go back to work after the baby.  I know Josiah is freaking out about everything financially.  Poor guy.  He's gone from being completely single and without fetters to having three children and a wife to care for, a mortgage, and another baby on the way in no time flat.  I try to comfort myself with the fact that I know he loves us so much and wouldn't have it any other way...but somehow it doesn't keep me from feeling guilty.

Always guilty.

So, what the heck do I do?

  • It's been suggested that my company might let me work from home.  Frankly, I don't see that happening AT ALL.  They won't want to set that precedent.  
  • It's also been suggested that I watch children in my home.  I know that makes a lot of sense to people...but it makes me absolutely cringe.  Ugh.  I adore my children, but I'm just not a "kid person."  Does that make sense?  Maybe I should say I'm not an "other people's kids person." 
  • So what if I waitress some at night?  I like waitressing.  I know that sounds a little nutty, but I do.  I like the interaction with people.  The only three things that really concern me with that are 1) can I make enough money doing it? and 2) will my ankle hold out?  3) I may get to be with the baby during the day, but how much will I really be able to see Josiah and the older kids?  Hmmmm...food for thought.  
  • I've had this...business idea, I guess.  It's still forming.  The idea itself is in the embryonic stage and has yet to fully develop so it can be born.  Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of time to develop it right now, either.  I'm hoping to have some time next semester because I'm taking time off from school.  I need a break. 
All of those things...any of them...I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.  Do I wait and pray and hope God will show me what I'm supposed to do?  Or is that just irresponsible?  God helps those who help themselves right?  Not to mention the fact that I think Josiah might have a coronary if we just wait.  Seriously.

Know what though?  I can't help but feel like waiting is exactly what I'm supposed to do right now.  It's something I've said before, over and over, but I feel like God is bringing something, and I'm supposed to wait for it.  How do you explain that to a nervous husband while also trying desperately to manage your own guilt and make sure you're not just being a lazy bones who doesn't want to work?

My guess is that I'm just supposed to pray and trust, but that feels like the most naive answer on the planet.

On the other hand, I read of a couple yesterday that followed God's call halfway across the country to a place where they had no jobs and no family...they just trusted and followed...and they said they were infinitely happy they had.  That is being faithful, my friends.

Do I have it in me to be that faithful?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Baby Who Went MIA

Why does it seem like every blog lately begins with "it's been so long since I've written"?  *sigh*

Oh well, we've got lots to catch up on, so let's just jump on in, shall we?  Yeesh, this is probably going to be long.  Today's story, boys and girls, is about the tale of the missing baby!!

First and foremost, Josiah and I are absolutely thrilled that I'm still pregnant.  I know some of you already know this story and others have just gotten the quick facebook version, but I'm going to tell it here anyway.  I will warn you...there are some kinda yuck parts in this next couple paragraphs.

I woke up about a week and a half ago (Wednesday, Oct. 3) at 4:30 a.m. wondering why I was sweating because my panties were kinda wet near the legs (told you this wasn't pretty).  I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but I was seriously confused.  I got up to see what was going on, and when I did, there was a heavy pressure and a gush.  I was pretty sure that wasn't good.

When I got to the bathroom and turned on the light, my fears were substantiated...blood was everywhere.  I sat down and experienced another gush and a plop that felt like a giant clot...or something (and there was too much blood to see what it was), and then woke Josiah up to tell him we needed to go to the ER.  Poor Josiah...I could see the fear in his eyes when he came in there. We both thought I was having a miscarriage and I think we were trying to emotionally prepare ourselves.

We talked about it some on the way to the ER.  We talked about how if we lost this baby, then it wasn't God's plan and He would either provide us with another or He wouldn't...either way, His will is divine.  We prayed.  I cried on and off, but tried to stay level headed...because that's what I do.

Walking into the ER was a surreal experience.  I wasn't cramping or in any kind of pain...just woke up covered in blood, that's all.

Once I had gone through the preliminaries, gotten to a bed, and gotten undressed, my nurse came in with a doppler to check for a heartbeat.  We waited for what seemed like forever, only hearing my heartbeat for a while...but then we heard it...a little 150 beat per minute heartbeat.  I laughed and let out the sobs I'd been holding back.  It was one of the most precious sounds I've ever heard.

The mood lightened up considerably after that.  I made Josiah go to work because he's acting manager of the department and they were expecting the company's interim president that morning.  His mom was already on the way, so there was really only a gap of a few mintes where I was alone.  I had stopped bleeding...all was well....

Until the doctor came in.  She came in with a portable ultrasound machine so she could see the baby and make sure everything was okay.  She started the ultrasound and I waited...and watched.  The longer she stood there and moved the wand around, the more confused she looked.

She was confused because she didn't see a baby.  She saw my ovaries.  She saw my bladder.  She saw everything else she was supposed to...but no baby.  She tried to assure me that it could just be user error and wanted to send me up to ultrasound, but they wouldn't take me because I was beyond 12 weeks and had already had an ultrasound at my doctor's office.  So they prepared to discharge me, and called my doctor's office to make sure they called me with an appointment as soon as they opened.

At one point I was in the hall and heard the doctor somewhat jokingly say to the nurse, "you let me down!"  Did the doctor think the nurse hadn't actually found a heartbeat?  We had heard it right?  I was there; I heard it...right?  I was so confused.  I didn't even want to touch my stomach when I was getting dressed because it just added to the dizzying emotions.

Do you know what the discharge papers say if you've heard the baby's heartbeat but they can't find a baby?  "MISCARRIAGE, COMPLETED"  That's what the papers said: miscarriage, completed.  Ugh...it was awful.  I had those papers with me ALL DAY because they had the results of my bloodwork on them that I needed to give to my doctor...and my appointment wasn't until 2.  I honestly believe that was one of the longest days of my life.

Even better is when you get to the doctor's office and you're trying to check in, and the lady trying to figure out how to code your chart asks "are you pregnant?"  Um...well...that's an excellent question, and one to which I'd really like to know the answer!! 

It's too late to make a long story short, but I'll at least wrap it up...the baby and I are fine.  After some looking, my doctor found the baby and it looks just fine.  It had a healthy heartbeat and was moving all over the place.  Yay!!!  I started spotting again the next day, and have on and off since then, so I'm sort of on light duty for right now.  I have to kind of take it easy, but that's okay because the baby is okay...and that's what matters.

They don't really know why I was bled the way I did.  They've mentioned a bleed behind the placenta or maybe a small tear in the placenta.  They don't know, and that's okay...as long as it doesn't happen again because that was TRULY awful.  You might also be asking why the doctor in the ER couldn't find the baby.  I try to tell people that I carry really high, but sometimes people just don't get it.  I carry babies high...really.  Right now this little thing is like under my belly button. LOL  She didn't see the baby because she was looking too low.  My OB confirmed it when she went in the office; even she was a little confused at first, but because she's an OB, it was a little easier for her.

This experience, while horrible, actually had a couple really good outcomes.  First, I'm still pregnant, duh, and that's good.  But also, Josiah and I grew even closer because of it.  We leaned on God and each other all day that day, and it tightened our bond.  We've also been praying together every night since then, and that has increased our bond and our togetherness with God, too.  Finally, we experienced such a great outpouring of love from our friends and family, and that was such a blessing.  His family, mine, and our close friends (even one who was IN LABOR) called or sent texts all the time to check on me.  It's just so amazing to know that no matter what you may go through, you have this huge network of people who love you and are willing to be there for you...just amazing.

Well, that's today's story!  I've got some more stuff to talk about, but I'll wait until later this week since this one is already so long.  Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Little Things



I got this picture a little while ago at the office.  It's simple.  It's silly.

And it makes my heart sing.

Normally, I wait to write a post until I have something I really want to say...a story or observation...long and in depth.

But not today.

Today, I am relishing the sweet and simple.

A hand written message on the front walkway of our home sent to me via text...for no other reason than to make me smile.

*sigh*

The feeling of pure contentment in a moment....

Friday, September 14, 2012

Crawling Back

Five minutes to write.

Five minutes to write when it's been so long.

I'm glad it's only five minutes because I don't feel my words coming anymore...not like I used to.  Today's "5 minute Friday" is on focus  and as much as I've lurked and never written, I NEED this right now.

I recognized it immediately...the opportunity to jump back in when for a long time I've avoided it.

Since I got pregnant, got morning sickness (and thankfully, may have gotten rid of it), and started back to school, I haven't written anything.  I've felt so...UNfocused.  I think of things all the time that I'd like to write about, but I never have the time, and even when I do...I just feel so...everywhere.

I can't quite get my mind wrapped around the subjects I want to write about or what I want to say.  Creativity has abandoned me, and all I'm left with is mundane and mediocre thoughts.

I told someone earlier this week that this baby is going to have an excellent vocabulary because it's stealing all my words.

Can I have some back please baby?  Just a few so I can express myself and not feel so bottled up and stagnant?  Please?

I needed this...focus.  Thank you Gypsy Momma...and Jamie. :)

Five Minute Friday

Linking up with The Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Writing Me: I Remember

Guess who's featured today on Bigger Picture Blogs?!  Oh yeah...it's me! :)

I participated in a writing series they have called "Writing Me," and this particular project is called "I Remember."  It's pretty simply, really; each paragraph or sentence had to begin with the words "I remember," and the rest was all mine.

Since today was my feature date and also happens to be the second anniversary of Josiah and I meeting, I thought it only fitting that it be about us.

So, happy second anniversary, Josiah.  It's so hard to believe it's only been two years.  I love you more today than I did yesterday, and although it's hard to believe, I'm sure I'll love you even more tomorrow.  It may be trite and cliched, but who cares?  You are truly my soul mate, and a gift from God.  I love you.


With no further ado, I'll ask you to head on over to Bigger Picture Blogs to read "I Remember."


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Grace, Growing Life, & Getting One



This post is probably going to be kind of a jumble…so hang on tight.  I have a lot of stuff going on in the noggin.

First, after doing a series of daily devotions just recently, I’ve been trying much harder to extend grace to those around me.  But then…what happened was…I kind of half extended grace, I think.  Is that even possible?  Someone kept doing something that kind of hurt my feelings, but I knew they were just tired and frustrated and they just happen to be awesome, so I extended grace and smiled and left it alone…until I didn’t.  Until my feelings were ultra hurt and, while I tried to get past the one thing, ten was too much, and I SPILLED.  My hurt just spilled out all over the place…it was messy.  How do I know when to extend grace and when to say something because my feelings are hurt so it doesn’t build up and overflow?  Do I need to just change my feelings?  Is that where I went wrong?  I would really love thoughts on this because I sincerely haven’t a clue.

Next, I’m really excited about having Josiah’s baby.  Yay!  I’m glad the morning sickness I had really only lasted a week because it was horrifyingly awful, but it will be nice when I get fully back to normal a bit, too.  I’m absolutely exhausted all the time, and I’m still having some serious issues with smells and food.  Mais, c’est la vie, n’est pas?  AND, I just happen to be growing a whole human which is infinitely awesome.  So there.

And finally…*sigh*

I just read some beautiful posts by the wonderfully talented Mary of Justin and Mary photography…and they made me loooong again.  Just long…To be. To do. To create.  I am grateful for my job.  It’s helping pay bills and keeping my insurance while I’m pregnant and that’s awesome…but I just…long.  I want to be passionate about what I do, but even beyond that, I want to do so many different things.  I want to create and write.  I see so much beauty around me, and I want to capture it in words and form.  Those are solitary pursuits, though, and that’s part of what I love about them.  But there’s so much more in me, too.  We all know I’m a talker…a people person.  I want to use that, too.  I want to plan and network and communicate.  Did I mention that I also want to spend tons of time with my kids and actually teach them a thing or two before they’re grown and gone?  Oh…and I want to be a great wife, too.

Is it possible?  It is feasible to think that it can all be done?  By just one person?  How can one person want to be and do so much?!  And do I have a right to these feelings?  Is all of it just part of the sinful nature, making me ungrateful for what I DO have by daring to want more?  Or is it possible that God is making me want what HE wants for me? 

I got nothing.  No clue.  There are no answers here today, just questions.

Anyone else have any answers?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Sick and Grateful

I haven't posted anything on the pregnancy since I posted the bit about how I told Josiah, but I thought I might just share an update.

I feel awful...but it's the best kind of awful. :)  Plus, as morning sickness goes, it isn't exactly the worst I've ever seen.  If I let my stomach get empty things get kind of ugly, but beyond that it's really just a matter of nausea on and off and feeling super tired.

Nevertheless, if you have to feel ill, it's at least good to know it's because you're growing a living person inside of you.  Josiah and I talked about it last night while we lay in bed...the miracle of human life.  We talked about the cells producing rapidly..at crazy speeds...and how each one knows just what to do.  Each knows its purpose...hands, eyes, brain, heart.  It's an amazing thing to consider.

I'm so grateful for this little life growing inside me.  I was so scared that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to give him a child of his own.  I was worried about it way more than him, I think.  He said he'd be happy with whatever God saw fit to give us, and if that was just my children, then he would be fine with that.  He loves them like their his own.  I know that; I still wanted to give him more.

And it looks like that will happen.  And I'm so grateful.

Thank you God.  Thank you for my wonderful husband, beautiful children, and this little life growing inside me.

Thank you.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Giving Grace



Grace, grace, God’s grace,
grace that will pardon and cleanse within.
Grace, grace, God’s grace,
grace that is greater than all our sin.

That song has gone through my head a lot in the last couple days.  A lot.

Grace…favor or kindness given to one not deserving of it.

Once, a long, long time ago…okay, actually less than a year ago, I remember having a rather passionate discussion with Josiah.  He was trying to help me de-clutter, and it seems I have a habit of having 2 of things…an empty container of gel next to a full one, for example.  Apparently, this is a pet peeve of his.  I remember feeling very hurt by his tone with me, and I explained to him the way I saw things.  At the time I was still a single mom to three children, working full-time, and going to school full-time.  “I’m juggling a million things, and I’m going to drop some things sometimes,” I told him.  “I don’t need you to make me feel guilty about it or teach me a lesson; I need you to extend some grace and simply help me.”

Fast forward to yesterday’s quiet time: we’re almost done with the Resolution for Women, and yesterday’s reading for me was simply titled “Grace.”  The author shared the story of a young wife whose husband worked very hard as a salesman, but made very little money.  She realized one day that the lights were cut off because the bill hadn’t been paid.  He came home late, absolutely exhausted from doors being slammed in his face all day, and found his wife and children waiting for him at the dinner table, having fun in a beautifully candlelit home.  After dinner, he collapsed into the bed, and he didn’t realize until then that the electricity was off.  She never uttered a word about it.  She extended him grace, and he was overwhelmingly grateful.

Putting these two stories together was very convicting for me somehow.  Would I extend the same grace that young wife did, or even the same grace I ask be extended to me?  It seems as though we’re always ready to accept grace, from God and others, but how often are we willing to give that grace in return?

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Philippians 2:3

That is so hard for me…humility…considering others better than me.

I mean, of course, I can see some people as being better than me, but did you hear what she was saying?  Did you see what he’s doing? *eye roll*  I mean, really!  It’s not that hard.

Yes…it’s that kind of attitude that makes me so often the opposite of humble: haughty.  What does God have to say about haughty?  Let me tell ya, it’s not pretty.

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18

The proud and arrogant – "Mocker" is their name; they behave with insolent fury.
Proverbs 21:24

That stings a little right?  Generally, I don’t think of myself as a prideful, haughty person, but I definitely have some prideful, haughty ways about me sometimes.  So I’m going to continue humming, “Greater Than All Our Sin,” and try to remember that while I’m receiving the full benefits of God’s wonderful grace, I should be giving grace to the people around me, as well.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A Message for Josiah

You looked like this yesterday:


I could see the exhaustion in your eyes, and it made me hurt for you.  You work so hard for us and try diligently every day to be the best husband and step-dad possible.  You love my children.  You love me.  

I hurt for you.  And yet...

I still made you go out in the rain last night.  I watching you drag in after a long day and head to the shower.  I watched the trees swaying ominously in the backyard.  I prayed.  I had a plan after all.

I needed us desperately to do what we do: go to Fresh Market to look at all the amazing cool, expensive stuff we won't indulge in, only to get to the sweets section where we will.

You went...because I asked you to.  I could tell you didn't want to go, and my heart pounded the entire way there, but you went.

I casually tried to walk into the store, when all I really wanted to do was sprint to the bakery (well, sprint-hobble with my bad ankle).  I didn't though.  I looked at not-ripe-enough-yet avocados, ripe-but-too-pricey mangoes, and Chicken a la Venezia.  Meandering.  Yelling inside.

When we finally arrived at the bakery, I'd had enough of the show.  Like a spy in a cheesy B-movie I ever so not casually asked the worker if he had any "special" cupcakes back in the back...like I was asking for "special brownies" only this was way different.

You expressed confusion by the fact that I wasn't even looking at the cupcakes, and even more when the knowing bakery boy reached into the case and pulled out Mr. Special Cupcake.

I was disappointed...it was hard to read.  I wanted the message to be so clear.  I had waited since 10:30 a.m., and I needed desperately for the secret to be in the open.

"What the heck?!" you were thinking.  "Why are you trying to read bakery kid's 'special cupcake'?!"

So, I showed you this:

 

I read it to you in case it wasn't clear.  "It says, 'Dad 2 Be.'"

I looked in your eyes and watched my special message sink in.  I was so nervous...so happy...but so nervous.  

"You took a test today then?"

"No...I took two."

Clarity, hugs, kisses, and another cupcake for me.

We grabbed drinks, bought our goodies, and sat down to consume them and I had you pose like this:



The rest of the evening was a "tell it to family" party, and it was fun.  Everyone is so elated...well, almost everyone, but she'll come around, too.

I can tell you're scared...excited, but scared.  We left it up to God to tell us when we should have a baby, but neither of us dreamed He'd say, "right away!!"  There are a million things to consider, and a thousand more decisions to be made.

But it will all be okay.  Because we have Him...and He gave us this:



And that will get us through this amazing adventure...and all the rest of them, too.

I love you, Josiah...with all my heart and soul.  You're already the best step-daddy, and you're going to be a great daddy, too.


Love always,

Your adoring wife

Monday, July 23, 2012

Is He Better Off On the Roof?


Good morning world.  I hope you’re all well today.

Want to hear about how I messed up this weekend?  Sure you do.  We’re a voyeuristic society.  Everyone wants to know about how someone else messed up. 

*sigh* Well, that’s pessimistic. 

Let’s try this instead: on Time Warp Wife this morning, guest contributor Clare Smith said God places people in our lives sometimes as a warning.  We see the consequences someone else is enduring for their actions, and therefore, we are reminded to alter our behavior.  I thought the example she used was brilliant.  We see someone on the side of the road caught for speeding, and immediately we are 1) thankful it wasn’t us and 2) reminded to slow down. 

Let me be your example.  Let me be the person that reminds you to slow down and think today.

No, I didn’t get a speeding ticket.  I might have preferred that.

First, we all know I haven’t been sleeping.  I don’t think anyone who’s glanced at the blog lately could miss the whining about that.  Furthermore, I’m not a person who deals with sleep deprivation well.  I…need…sleep.  Without it, I have a tendency to be kind of grouchy and over-emotional.  Sprinkle a little PMS in the mix and you’re really left with an explosive cranky cocktail.  Yup…that’s me.

The chapter I read last week in The Resolution for Women dealt with the subject of fulfilling your husband.  In it, Priscilla Shirer said she heard Kay Arthur say something once that really stuck with her.  Kay said the sum of a man’s fears could be summarized into two:

-          Fear of being found inadequate
-          Fear of being controlled by a woman

I would say that’s probably pretty accurate.  Somehow, though, despite the fact that I studied this last week, took it to heart, and prayed about it, I still managed to screw up rather royally.  Apparently, God knew I needed a more hands-on approach.

I had a few very snarky moments last week, but all of them paled in comparison to the verbal sewage moment I had on Saturday morning.  Josiah and I lay in bed together, holding on to the last few moments we could before cooking breakfast so he could go to work.  And then, in an attempt to be sweet, he did something that actually sort of annoys me.  And I told him that…rather obnoxiously.  Okay…incredibly obnoxiously.  Like many times when we spray verbal venom, it wasn’t necessarily what I said, but the horrifyingly ugly tone in which I said it.  Just ugly.

I apologized almost immediately and countless times since then, but that’s the thing about ugly words (or tones).  Once you’ve spoken them, you can unspeak them.  There’s no eraser for that.  In less than 10 seconds I damaged my new husband’s pride and made him feel inadequate.  Consequently, things have been different for us the last couple days.

If you know Josiah and I, and you’ve ever seen the way he looks at me (only the Lord knows why), then you might get this, but it’s just been different the last couple days.  He’s wounded, it’s my fault, and I see it in his eyes when he looks at me…and that’s entirely my fault.

I had another sleepless night last night…big surprise.  I gave up around 4:30 and got up to do my quiet time.  When I finished around 5:15, which is when I normally get up, I almost just got straight into the shower.  Instead, though, I crawled back into bed with my husband, wrapped myself in his arms, and sobbed.  My heart is about as remorseful as I think it can be.  He assured me that everything is fine, it’s just going to take a few days to shake it off, but it feels like forever.

All because of haphazardly chosen words and a condescending tone.

Beware ladies.  I’m actually lucky because Josiah, like me, wears his heart on his sleeve.  Seeing his pain allowed me to recognize the gravity of my decision almost immediately.  But many men would hide their hurt behind a wall built with bricks made of their wives’ unkind words, whose hurt wouldn’t be apparent until the wall stretched high and long, an almost impenetrable fortress.

Learn from my mistakes, and remember:

Better to live on a corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 25:24

Let’s see if we can keep Josiah off the roof, shall we?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Red Writing Hood: The Secret


The two women sat in silence as they shared their dessert, forks clinking as they scraped the last pieces of cheesecake from plate.  Almost over.  It hung in the air, a sickening, almost suffocating fog.

One subconsciously touched her cheekbone, thinking about the bruises she spent a half hour meticulously covering before the outing, and it didn’t escape the notice of the other.

No words were necessary.  They both knew.  The conversation was so familiar that they skipped it now, but it still played on silently in their minds.

The plate sat completely empty, waters gone, check paid.  For a brief moment they made real eye contact, storm clouds engaging blue skies.  It was too much to bear.

Goodbyes were said.  Hugs were given.  Promises made to see each other soon.

Hopefully.

Each escaped to the solitude of their cars and prayed.  

One prayed for strength, change for her husband, and a way out. 
 
The other prayed simply to see her friend alive again…physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

“Please give her back to me…alive.”


This post is part of a writing link up with Write on Edge.  This weeks prompt was a tiny poem by Robert Frost titled, "The Secret Sits."

We dance round in a ring and suppose,
But the Secret sits in the middle and knows.


We were given 450 words, but I only used 173.  I don't necessarily think that's a good thing.  It's the one thing that keeps me from true fiction/novel writing.  I'm not one to draw it out.  Nevertheless, we're all give different talents and abilities.  I simply feel that by participating in the writing prompts I'm developing the talent I was given...mourning the fact that I don't have the gifts someone else possesses seems to be an awful waste of the ones I've been given.  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

 
 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Wedding Portraits: Shoe Surprise & Reception

Well, today is the last wedding picture post.  I wish you all could see all  the pictures, but there are so many.  It's been really difficult to choose!!  Amanda Truth did such a great job on the photography, especially with the lighting she had to work with.  I love our church, but it doesn't have the best lighting in the world, and I was super worried about the fluorescent lighting in the gym.  I feel like it has a tendency to make everyone look kind of sallow, but I don't see that in the pictures at all!  Thanks Amanda!

The first group of pictures are of the post-ceremony surprise.  I knew I wanted to have reception shoes because I didn't want my feet to hurt all night and wearing heels for that long with a looming ankle surgery just didn't seem wise.  I also knew this was my girls' first stint in heels (okay, Em's were really low), and I knew their feet would hurt, so I decided to surprise them with matching reception shoes.  I bejeweled the heck out of them and used a good amount of fabric paint, too.  Josiah decided that since I was decorating their shoes, he should decorate mine.  So, after the reception we gathered in the "Cubbie Room" to present the shoes.  The girls were SO shocked, and they still wear them all the time!!

After these, of course, are the reception pics.  Maybe this weekend I'll actually get around to posting all  the honeymoon pictures I've been promising!!

So, my friends, I give you the last of the pics from May 12, 2012.  Warning: this will be the longest...post...ever.


I get my shoes first!










He's so helpful



Reception time!  Stage is set for Sunday morning, too. Haha







My wonderful new mother-in-law, Susan, made the cake.  It was really good!  The icing was marshmallow fondant and it was wonderful!  We got the recipe from Cherlanda Fowlkes.  She was the teacher at a cake decorating class Susan and I sat in on.  She makes gorgeous cakes and she's the new cake decorating teacher at the Michael's that's opening in Hampton!!  She's on my facebook page if you're interested.


Random picture of my bouquet

Wedding party entering




Our first dance <3




All the great food!  I just wish I got to eat more of it.  I was a bit constricted.

Susan and and two of her longtime friends

Me with Raieco!

My good friend Nancy Yarborough

My Dawn <3

Josiah's still there, too!  We didn't forget about him. :)

This is a really special picture to me.  These are two of my very close friends, Michelle and Valorie.  I don't get to see them very often, especially Val since she up and moved to Alabama!!

 Dance with Dad


This next series of pictures are the best ever.  We look good here right?

And this is what he looks like when I step on my dress and almost fall!!

Priceless I tell you...priceless.



*sigh* The next two pics say it all...


My boy
Bailey Boo and Gracie, too!  (On a side note, I am so proud of Bailey's dress.  I think it's just gorgeous and I found it at A Barefoot Bride in Phoebus for $12!!  They are simply wonderful.)


The girls are having a great time!

More dancing

Joey G is in on the fun!


Cake cutting time






You can't take me anywhere...


But I'm a happy girl!

Dancing with the best Best Man ever


Love from my Nana

And a special dance...Nana and Josh bonded when they were here. :)



Beauty in motion


Jamie and Wes join in on the fun!

Jesse calls this his "wedding swag."  He had all the ladies with him. lol








Four sisters

My coworkers daughter asked for a dance.  Could you say "no" to that face?!



And then she looked at me and asked me to pick her up...and my heart melted.

And pick her up I did


Wes wanted up, too!

And this is why we belong together...

Remember how I said Josh was the best Best Man?  Yeah, that's him behind me with my heels and purse in hand.

Some mischievous people were very busy earlier.


Yeeeah...it was inside, too.




That's the end!!  If you've hung in this long, you're really a trooper!  Thanks for coming along on this pictorial journey with me.  It almost saddens me to end this post.  It's bittersweet.  However, I know I'll have tons of pictures to post from our many new adventures together...and there will be adventures....