Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just Write: I want to cry, but I can't.

I want to cry, but I can't.

I'm tired and frustrated, feel overused and under-appreciated.

I want to cry, but I can't...hold it together, Alissa.

"Alright, guys, it's bedtime.  Let's go."  Bite your lip and refuse to think.  Refuse to think about how you have to go back to work tomorrow...to the job that pays the bills.  To the job that keeps your family alive.  To the job that's driving you insane.  Paper, paper, paper and more paper.  The seamless flow of never ending paper.  No project ever ends and every day the same as the one before.  Groundhog day...again and again.

Everything is irritating me.  Is it really that the kids aren't behaving, or do I have a short fuse?  Did I love them enough today?  I don't remember.

I shuttled them to Daddy's early so I could get to work.  I got off work early so I could shuttle everyone to the dentist.  Cleaning, cleaning one by one.  Shuttle to the grocery store to buy something for dinner because Mommy couldn't remember to thaw the chicken.  So, what's for dinner?  Chicken...Farm Fresh rotisserie style.

"Please stop talking so I can decide what vegetables to get.  Please get over here.  Please get off the cart.  Please don't touch your sister.  Please stop antagonizing your brother.  Please!  Stop!  I CAN'T THINK!!"

"What did I do?  Why am I in trouble?  All I did was....  All I said was...."

Whining and crying all the way home.  Disrespectful faces and harsh words.  Now we're home, and it's time to prepare dinner and oh yeah, spankings all around.

Dinnertime.  Dear Lord, thank you for this food and help me with the nervous breakdown please.  More peas?  More chicken?  More pasta?  More, more, more.

"Did you make the cake, Mom?  Is it ready?  Can I ice it?  Is it cooled?  How long to cool?  Now?  Now?"

Josiah is here.  YAY!  Hugs for Josiah.  Make him a plate.  Is it warm?  Is it enough?  Does he like light meat or dark meat?  I can't remember.

"Josiah, your dinner is ready."  Where's Josiah.  What's that squealing?  He's playing with Ryan.  Ryan is giggling and laughing and playing.  Josiah hasn't eaten; he's barely walked through the door.  And yet, and yet, he's still found time to get down on the floor and play with my son.  I love him.  I love them.

Did I play with my son today?  Did I love the kids enough today?  Did I give them what they needed?

I don't remember.

Now they're asleep and it's all too late.  Assignments to do.  Bathrooms still aren't clean.  Laundry still isn't put away.  Kitchen isn't all the way clean.  More, more, more, more.

And I won't think about the job I have to go to tomorrow.  The job that pays the bills.  The job that keeps my family alive.  The job that keeps me in a windowless hole for 8-9 hours per day.  "The light!  It burns!"  The job that slowly makes me feel like I'm dying inside.  The job I used to really like.  The job that keeps my family alive.

Did I love my kids enough today?  I don't remember.

I want to cry, but I can't.


Where are you from? {A Writing Exercise with BPB}

I am from Texas sunsets, Florida lightning storms, and Virginia’s purple mountain’s majesty.  From American apple pie, English hot tea, and Cherokee cheek bones.


From” Red Rover Red Rover, send Alissa right over” and “Tag!  You’re it!”  From snow days building the tree house and hot, homemade chicken noodle waiting inside.


From the hope of acceptance and the fear of rejection; the tears you’ll never see, and the smiles you will.  From being the girl with the personality and pretty face, but too heavy for beautiful.


From Scrabble and Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Trivia Adventure.  From Crazy 8’s and Rummy and reading for days on end.  From crisp fall air, summer sun, spring breezes, and catching snowflakes on my tongue.


I am from talking too loud and laughing until I cry and enjoying every minute of it.  From center stage in the floodlights and behind the camera and screaming for a touchdown in the pouring rain.  


I am from the feel of my Nana’s hand stroking mine on the church pew and my Papa patiently working out the tangles in my hair.


From my Dad’s analytical and Mom’s loquacious.  From jumping in with both feet and praying I don’t drown.  

From “Jesus loves me, this I know,” “Deep and Wide,” and “This is the day,” knowing in my heart of hearts it’s all true.  From the love of my Savior and joy in my heart and life everlasting.  Amen.
 WritingMe

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Lessons Learned: HR BBBS Amazing Little Race

2011 ALR Planning Committee (Hampton Teen Center)

Yesterday was the Hampton Roads Big Brothers Big Sisters "Amazing Little Race," as I'm sure many of you know because I've been spouting off about it constantly. LOL  It was a long day.  It was a GREAT day.  It was a bittersweet day.  I've enjoyed the planning process and working with the people that I have immensely, but it was also nice to see it all come together.  At some point during the final celebration last night my Operations Committee Co-Chair, Meisha, looked over at me and said just one word: "fruition."  That said it all.  Months and months of hard work and dedication to this event and to this wonderful organization that builds future generations with the wisdom and love of the current generation had finally culminated into something we could all be proud of.  Did everything go exactly as planned, and was the event quite as big as we'd initially imagined?  No.  However, it was bigger than any event most of us had ever dreamed of planning, and in almost every way it was still successful in its own right.

As often happens with these big events, the organization will soon have a final meeting regarding what went right, what went wrong, whether the event should be ongoing in the future, and what changes should be made if it does.  In thinking about my involvement, I think it's necessary for me to do the exact same thing now. I need to analyze the positive and negative aspects of my involvement and see if I think I should participate next year (if it happens) and if so, what changes need to be made.  So...here goes:

The Good
  1. I met some absolutely amazing people during this process.  We've used the word "amazing" so much in the past few months, that it's almost become passe.  Just a moment ago I tried to use an online thesaurus to come up with a different word, since this seems to be the only one my brain will spit out right now, but I just couldn't change it.  Yes, we've used the word a lot, but it is so fitting for these individuals.  It has been SUCH a pleasure to learn with them and from them, that I will call them "amazing" forever. 
  2. Not that everyone doesn't already know this, but giving back feels SO good.  Many who give their time and efforts to causes such as this know exactly what I'm talking about.  For me, it simply solidified what I already know to be true.  I love being part of something larger than myself that gives back to the community and will survive long after me.  Simple, but true.
  3. This next thing is a little hard for me to say, and it makes me squirm a bit to admit it, but if I'm going to be honest, I might as well go all the way: I like being a leader, and I feel like I'm good at it.  Ugh...that sounds a little egotistical right?  I really don't mean for it to be.  I just feel like I'm in my element in leadership positions...not necessarily in the corporate sense, as much as in the community sense.  I was the Operations Committee Co-Chair for this event, and the Site Coordinator for two of the venues (Great Wolf Lodge and the Virginia Air and Space Center).  I like being positive and trying to pull positive out of people.  I know some people think my energy is a little over-the-top, and I completely understand that, but I also feel like it gives other people energy they may have needed.  This part is just hard for me to explain...so we'll just leave it at the fact that I think God is building me for a leadership project at some point and I look forward to Him using me for that, as long as it's His will and not my own.
  4. I like projects.  I like beginning, middle, and end.  I like "fruition."  Once again, I like projects.  This is why my "real job" feels so overwhelming at times...not because it's too hard, but because there's no beginning, middle, and end.  Instead, it's just an endless flow of paperwork: no middle, no end, no fruition, just pecking away at infinity.  I like my company.  I appreciate what they have done for me.  I need and appreciate my job very much, but at some point, something is going to have to give, I think.  As always, I'm constantly praying for guidance about it.
  5. The HUGENESS of this project gave me the ability to see some of my faults and the negatives, and see where I need to get a grip on my priorities.  This is a big positive because if we are not able to see our mistakes, then we are not able to correct them.  Sometimes it takes something BIG to highlight these mistakes because in the world's eyes, they may not look like mistakes at all.
The Bad

Only one, but it's a doozie:  In the process of preparing for this event I lost focus on just about everything: God, family, work, school, house, relationship, and health.

Well, okay, it wasn't really the event's fault.  It's not like I dropped EVERYTHING to concentrate on the ALR and everything else got put to the side (as a matter of fact, there are many ways in which I feel the event, itself, did not get the focus it deserved from me).  It's not like I was juggling 9 things and dropped all of them to just play with this 1.  Instead, it was more like I was juggling 9 things and added 1 more.  With 9 I was struggling, and adding 1 made things a lot messier.  Here's the deal though, you wouldn't know that unless I told you because on the surface everything is fine.  I still went to church and prayed.  My kids are still fed and alive.  My work still got done.  I still have A's in my classes.  My house is a mess, but none of you will see that because it's easy enough to hide if you don't have people over and I'm about to clean it.  My relationship with Josiah is still AWESOME because he's just wonderful and stuck by me and my unfocused self the whole dang time.  My health...well, yeah, I got sick as a dog this week, but a lot of people have been sick right? 

Yeah...not so much.  I still prayed and went to church most of the time and the kids still went to Awanas, but I still feel the slight disconnect from God internally.  My kids are fine, but they could definitely use my focus on them right now, too.  My work got done, but with less mental mishmash and less need to go here, there, and everywhere for the event, I probably could have gotten a lot more done.  I still have A's, but I haven't dedicated the time I should have to REALLY learning what I'm studying, and that's just a waste of an education.  The house just should NOT be this messy.  It's not good.  Also, taking on so much made me sick.  I always get sick when I decide I can take on the world.  It's like my body is insistent on making me hit a wall to slow me down.  The last one (relationship)  needs its own paragraph, and yes, I know I'm writing a book, but this is what's going on in my head folks.  Sorry. LOL

My relationship with Josiah is still strong because of HIS undaunted dedication to me, which luckily, is completely and totally out of my hands.  The man has spent his last two Saturdays off completely dedicated to helping out with the ALR because he knew that's what he would have to do if he wanted to spend time with me.  He was right next to me every step of the way, there whenever I needed him.  He drove for me, made sure I ate, made sure I had what I needed, and helped wherever he saw anyone had need.  I cannot possibly express my gratitude.  What compounds that appreciation exponentially is that he didn't agree with me taking this on to begin with.  He knew I was overextending myself.  He knew I was taking on too much and he cautioned me against it.  However, once I dedicated myself to it, he continued to dedicate himself to me, and he helped me through it in every way anyway.  As Janet Sellers from NASA said yesterday, "He's a keeper." LOL  I know in the future I need to make sure I prayerfully consider his guidance instead of refuting it right away because I wanna do what I wanna do.

It all goes back to what Susan (Josiah's mom) has been trying to tell me since she met me...doing good things can be bad if your priorities aren't straight AND when the world thinks we look the best is probably when we're heading for our worst.  A really good Biblical of this is Solomon and his massive building projects in Jersusalem.  He started out with wonderful intentions, but he lost focus on God and His instruction and, therefore, the kingdom of Israel that David united began to fall apart (see...I learned SOMETHING from the Bible class I'm taking).

Will I participate again?

This has been such a hard question for me.  How do you eliminate something from your life that you feel driven to do, yet falls much lower on the list of priorities than the things I already mentioned.  Answer: you pray.  I don't know if I'll be able to participate next year.  I think I probably will on some level, but maybe just not the level that I did this year.  Maybe I'll participate more.  We'll see.  It's hard not to want to, and even Josiah was talking about "next year's event" by the end of the day yesterday.  It's hard not to let the enthusiasm of this group infect you.  I'm going to pray, seek God's guidance, and seek the guidance of the wise people around me who love me and ALSO pray about it.  "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed" (Proverbs 15:22).  I'm going to see what doors God opens and which he closes because more and more each day I see that His will in my life is what I should be seeking, and if I do that, joy is sure to follow because in hardship and happiness I will know He is working in my life. 

The participants ready to start the race! (Great Wolf Lodge)

Aaaaand they're off!

Elizabeth Chisolm, CEO of HR BBBS (aka my "sista from anotha motha" LOL) and I giving a Big Sister and her Little medals with the help of Hampton's Vice Mayor, George Wallace (way left) and Les Kayanan (way right).  All the participants received medals, and the top three teams received trophies. 





Thursday, September 15, 2011

So I think I'm Invincible...so what?!

So, guess who's sick?  That's right...me! *sigh* 

I don't have time to be sick right now.  Josiah said that is why and when I always get sick...and he's absolutely right.  Dang it....

I always have a tendency to WAY overdo it it, and then my body stops me like I hit a roadblock doing 90 mph.  So? I guess I think I'm invincible and don't need rest...ever.  So what?! :P

I think this one has been worth it though.  The focus of a great deal of my energy this time has been on putting together an event for Big Brothers Big Sisters.  It is this Saturday and it's called "The Amazing Little Race."  The concept is based upon "The Amazing Race" on CBS.  Twenty five "matches" (match=one Big with their Little) will compete in challenges at four different venues in Hampton Roads: Great Wolf Lodge, Newport News-Williamsburg International Airport, Virginia Air and Space Center, and The Norfolk Zoo.  After these challenges, there will be a big "Finale Rally" at the Hampton Teen Center where the matches will all get medals for participating and the top three teams will receive trophies.  It's also a way for BBBS to interact with the community and bring awareness about the organization.

 This is a BIG deal.  This event has the potential to make these kids aware of things and concepts they never even knew existed.  It will teach them SO many things: creativity, good sportsmanship, critical thinking, compromise, geography, science, astronomy...the list is endless!

Plus, it might open the doors for BBBS to move to the Southside (where the organization doesn't currently operate).  How awesome would that be?!  These mentoring programs are SO important and would benefit the Southside kids AND adults greatly.  I can assure you, to hear the Bigs talk about their Littles, this is is definitely a mutually beneficial program.  I was going to sign up to mentor, too, but then common sense got the better of me.  Single mom with three kids who's going back to school and is already volunteering...I can't take on mentoring, too.  That's just not smart and I wouldn't be able to even dedicate the time necessary.

So the event is finally here...and I'm excited.  I'm sick and exhausted, but REALLY excited.  I'm all about community responsibility, and I really feel like that's what this event and this organization are representative of...community responsibility at its finest.


Do you volunteer?  Do you overwhelm yourself like me?  I'd be interested to hear other takes on this!







Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just Write: If it's not about me, then why does it still hurt this badly?

I feel rusty.  It's been a while since I've written, and I feel like I'm trying to ride a bike again.  I may not fall on my face, but it won't be a pretty ride either.  Jamie sent me the link for a blog called The Extraordinary Ordinary, and on Tuesday there's a "Just Write" linkup...so that's what I'm doing.

Lately, my entire waking life has consisted of kids, work, Big Brothers Big Sisters, schoolwork, repeat.  Yeah, there have been some showers and eating in there, too, but you get the idea.  But everything in my life came to a screeching halt yesterday when I heard these words:

"Mom, not right this second, but soon...I want to go live with Dad."
WHAT?!  ARE YOU CRAZY?!  

I didn't say that, but I totally thought them.  I tried to discuss it calmly and rationally, but it just hurt so much.  There are certain things stab you to the core of your soul...this is one of them.  I ended up sending her to her room.  We both took a few minutes and by dinner we were somewhat relaxed, but things have an ugly way of reappearing at the dinner table.

We didn't really yell, and no horrible words were said, but we both argued our points and, no matter what, neither of us was seeing things from the other's perspective.  I cried, so Emily cried.  Destiny was indignant.  And Ryan just wanted to get away with not eating his greens.

The bottom line is this: it doesn't really matter what she wants.  She can't live with her dad.  He loves her and her siblings dearly, but he isn't in any position to take care of them...financially, emotionally, or spiritually.  He knows this, and it isn't news to anyone else either...except Destiny.

I try so hard to be someone she can admire and look up to.  I try so hard to give her love, affection, and acceptance balanced with discipline, pragmatism, and guidance.  It's a tightrope walk folks...and I swear I fall every day...but I'm trying.

It probably isn't even about me.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that she is a hormonal teenager who doesn't get to see her dad often (or her boyfriend that lives next to her dad).  It probably has something to do with her growing up, but still wanting to cling to being Daddy's Little Girl and all the conflicting feelings that goes along with that.

It probably isn't even about me...but it still kills me.  This is my little girl.  This is my first.  This is my Cindy Lou Who with the big blue eyes...the baby that was so good people would come up to me in public places to ask about her.  This is the child who I let sleep on top of me every night when she was a year old because she was sick, and I was scared she might need me and I wouldn't be there.  I've held her when she was sick, taken her everywhere, given her all that I have, helped raise money for her to go to Arizona...given everything I have and more, in every way.











At the end of the day Josiah came in and helped calm the storm.  He talked to her very sensibly (in a way that I couldn't because of my obvious emotional roadblocks) and by the end they were both laughing and the subject seemed to be dropped.  I'm sure it will raise its ugly head again...but for now, that monster is sleeping.

I hope someday she looks back with an adult perspective and can see and appreciate the efforts.  Until then, I'm just praying to God for guidance.  Outside prayers are always welcome....


Just Write