Sunday, July 16, 2017

Come On In


"Not today, Satan. Dear God, help me."

I just kept saying it. Over and over. "Not today, Satan. Dear God help me."

When that didn't feel like it was bringing me to the peace I needed, I thought about the power of worship and praise, so above the din of my bickering children, I started singing.

(singing) "Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder..."
(turmoil) "Why do we have to listen to what YOU want all the time?!"
(singing a little louder) "Consider all the worlds thy hands have made." 
(more turmoil) "Yeah, well One Direction is dumb." 
(singing louder still) "I see the stars I hear the rolling thunder," 
(It's like WWE up in here, apparently) "Ouch, you pushed me! You're a jerk!!" 
"Hands off and no name calling!" (singing ever louder) "Thy power throughout, the universe displayed."

It felt ridiculous, trying to sing over their outrageous behavior, but it brought a smile to my face, even if out of nothing more than sheer defiance.

Honestly, I am not a very patient mom. I wish I could say the above scenario was just how I handled things...with grace and worship and an outpouring of the Holy Spirit.

But then I'd be a liar. Plus, let's face it, if that was really how I normally handled things, this wouldn't have felt so foreign, and we wouldn't be having this little conversation.

But on this particular day, despite my children's best effort's at making me a nut job, the Holy Spirit rose up...and let me tell you, it was sweet.

I finally had to separate them because things were getting out of hand, but when I did, I didn't raise my voice. Even when they argued about going to their rooms, I didn't raise my voice (if you know how loud I am naturally, you know what a gin WIN this is.)

God is GOOD, ya'll. What this led to was pretty amazing.

It led to a conversation with Ryan about how we can be a household of people who build each other up or tear one another down, and I asked him to consider how we accomplish each of those things and where he really wants to live.

It allowed me to have a separate conversation with Emily about something that had really been bothering her that had NOTHING to do with anyone in our house, but was something she really needed to get off her chest.

And it allowed me to do all this without having to make it about me because, when I lose my mind, that's what happens. We lose a lot of time making it about me because I have to go back and apologize for my ungodly behavior.

I never realized what I was missing.

I've been doing a devotion called "Overwhelmed by My Blessings: Encouragement for Moms." It's written by Robin Meadows, a mom who raised seven children, and I love it because it is REAL.

In today's devotion she said:

What if we began to rename these challenging daily "opportunities"? What if we began to see that these disappointing situations are actually the hand of God in our life , and in the lives of our children?

WOW. Challenging right? What if every time my kids are acting all cray cray I thanked God for the opportunity to teach them about Him, His grace, and His love?

But then she went on (and this part REALLY got me).

He is giving us opportunities to make hard, right choices of love, patience, and self-control; to choose Him. He is present us with teachable moments for our children, and for our own hearts. He is giving us occasions to become more like Him. He is giving us special moments to teach our children that anxiety can be controlled by the power of the Holy Spirit living in us, and it begins with us controlling ourselves.

Did you feel that? Like the wind being knocked out of you by a supernatural punch to the gut?

I sure did.

Consider this:

A man who does not control his temper
is like a city whose wall is broken down.
Proverbs 25:28

The breaching of the wall of Helm's Deep from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

None of us is perfect, but by allowing my children's behavior to influence my behavior, I have been showing them that it's acceptable to lose your temper and forego self-control. I mean, sure, I've taught them a lot about humility and going back to apologize, too, but you need a lot less of the latter when you're able to do the former.

In church, we often talk about breaking walls down and demolishing strongholds. But by losing my temper, I've been breaking down all the wrong walls - like walls of protection I pray over my family. I'm making a way for the enemy to come into my home and relationships.

Every moment of every day, we stand at the door of our hearts and decide who we're going to invite in. When you pray and praise, you intentionally invite God into that moment.

However, when you allow your anger to take control, you've taken your eyes off what's important and left the door wide open to the enemy. 

The next time you feel overwhelmed, invite God into that moment. Ask Him to take it over. Thank Him for the opportunity for growth and teaching. Lean into Him.

And goodness knows, sing His praises. Go a little praizy crazy. Worship will help you conquer any enemy you face - the enemy within, or the enemy without. (It also makes you look pretty crazy, and that's always a good time).

The Fresh Prince getting a little praizy crazy.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

A Lidl Humiliation

Obviously, my trip looked nothing like this, but man, it feels like it sometimes. 


I didn't really expect to learn a lesson about myself in the grocery store yesterday, but like most lessons I've learned, the timing wasn't really up to me.

My kids wanted to go to the new Lidl store around the corner. It's an interesting store, full to the brim with natural light and an eclectic assortment of goods. And I swear they pipe the smell of fresh, hot cookies baking throughout the store because you CANNOT escape it.

The thing about Lidl stores, though, is that you have to bag your own groceries. Fine! I knew that, and I was prepared.

We had two carts, with a little sibling in the front of each. Ryan was in charge of one cart over to the side and holding Phinehas's hand, while Emily and I sorted out the bagging of the groceries in the other cart.

When we had the groceries arranged appropriately, I looked up, and Ryan had wandered off about 10-15 feet. He and Phinehas were playing some sort of "ride the cart and swing it around game," and it really irritated me.

I scolded him, and asked him to think through the reasons why he should NOT be doing what he was doing. He was able to come up with "Phinehas might get hurt," and I was more than happy to add on a couple more reasons.

I was pretty happy with my parenting solution. Score one for mom for helping with that frontal lobe development!

But Emily was NOT happy, and because she's related to me AND a teenager, it was remarkably obvious. I asked her what was wrong, and after a little prodding, she said something like this:

That was really loud mom, and really embarrassing. You really embarrassed him.
Two things happened in that moment. First, I realized I had just disrespected my son in public. I'm trying to build this kid's self-esteem, not decimate it. I may have just influenced his ability to think through consequences, but I also hurt him unnecessarily.

Second, and more importantly, I realized I had been so loud, not just because I naturally AM (and I REALLY AM), but because I wanted to be seen parenting his misbehavior well.

I wanted to be seen parenting well.

That really hurts to write. It hurts to put out there. But there it is because it's honest.

I had this moment where the Holy Spirit held a mirror to my face and said, "You need to see this as it really is. You need to see what your intentions were."

I apologized to Ryan right away. I told him I was sorry for disrespecting him in front of all those people. He needed to be corrected, but his heart also needs to be protected, and I had wounded him for the sake of my own pride.

After we got settled in the car, I also had to thank Emily for correcting me. That, too, was humbling, but necessary. Sometimes, my kids will try to correct my parenting, and they get a "talk to the hand" response. They'll understand when they're parents.

But this was very different. She expressed herself respectfully, and she was RIGHT. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have been able to see the error of my ways, and she needed to know that was appreciated.

The more I thought about it, though, that behavior has a tendency to be my modus operandi: I consistently struggle between my desire to give my best to God, and my desire to be SEEN giving my best to God.

In my parenting...
In my marriage...
In my friendships...
In my worship...
In my writing...
On my facebook wall...

I've often commented that God gave me "showy" gifts. Singing, writing, speaking. Teaching and exhortation. The expression of most of my gifts involves me being seen, but with them come a constant struggle with my own pride.

I read an article this morning about Francis Chan, and why he left the church he was pastoring. He said about the period after his book Crazy Love was published:

I freaked out during that point in my life....The pride...[going to] a conference and seeing my face on a magazine...and hearing whispers...and walking into a room and actually liking it.
Man...that resonates with me. I haven't written a book yet, and my face certainly hasn't adorned any magazine covers, but I can still see me in that statement.

Jesus was pretty clear about where he stood on this behavior:

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of people,
to be seen by them.
Otherwise, you will have no reward from your Father in Heaven.
So whenever you give to the poor,
don't sound the trumpets before you,
like the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets,
to be applauded by people.
I assure you: They've got their reward.
Matthew 6:1-3 (HCSB, emphasis added)

My flesh desires greatly to be seen. What's left for me, then? Do I stop sharing those gifts? Maybe, for a time, if it gets out of hand, but generally, His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So when I worship, sometimes, I vacillate between a genuine outpouring of praise and worrying about what people are thinking about me, and then I smile and think to myself, "forgive me, thank your grace is sufficient."

When I write, I vacillate between genuinely wanting to share hope and healing and wondering how many people will read the post and how I can boost my numbers. When that happens, I smile and pray and ask for forgiveness, and praise God that His grace is sufficient to cover that, too.

I'm telling all this for two reasons. First, because sharing it keeps me in check. If I have made the world aware that I desire to be seen, it's a little easier to remember to be humble; I've admitted my weakness to the world, and the world has a way of reminding you of those weaknesses.

But also, because I know I'm not alone. There are an abundance of Bible verses about pride because, as fallible humans, it's one of our greatest faults.

Your struggle may not look exactly the same, but I would fairly confidently assert that it's roots are in pride and selfishness: a need to be right, a need to know, a need to feel desired, a need for control. They all come from the same place.

No matter what your particular brand of pride looks like, know that His grace is sufficient for you, too. He loves you anyway, in a way that is deeper and wider than your comprehension, and it began before He laid the foundations of the earth.

Whether your lessons come in the hazy morning light after a night of mistakes, the computer lit glare of an internet faux pas, or (like me) the front of a remarkably sun-lit grocery store, the pure, dazzling light of your Savior covers it all.

He holds His light to our blemishes, not so we can be ashamed of them, but so we can see them in contrast with his perfection and make appropriate corrections. The only way to be MORE like Him, is to see the ways in which we are NOTHING like Him, and to be more like Him is, daily, my goal.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Being a Moana Mama


I'm on a Disney kick lately. I don't own this, obviously. It's a Disney thing.

If you're a Disney lover (or just a parent of a young child), you're probably familiar with one of Disney's newest animated feature films: Moana.

If you're not, you should acquaint yourself. The soundtrack is epic, the story line is inspirational, and let's face it, who doesn't appreciate Dwayne Johnson singing and dancing around...even if it is in animated form.

Now that it's on Netflix, we watch it at least once a day...sometimes twice.

Moana is torn between being the person she's told her island needs her to be - the leader of her people, the new chief - and being the person she feels called to be - a voyager on the open sea.

She strives to convince herself that the island will give her all she needs (and no on leaves), but she's drawn to the water, to the line where the sky meets the sea. It calls to her.

I'm a mom...of 6, with another sweet blessing on the way. When you're a mom of almost 7, there just isn't much time to do anything else BUT be a mother of almost 7.

I'm virtually on an island (that must be made of unfolded laundry), and my people need me.

But the horizon calls me. And a lot of times, that makes me feel really guilty. I feel like taking care of my husband, children, and household should be enough, it should fulfill me, but I LONG to go, do, and be other things.

But there's hope. Here are a few things God revealed to me through countless viewings of Moana:

1. To Everything There Is A Season


To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NKJV)

As Moana grows, she learns to take care of her people. She gets well-acquainted with their needs and how to fill them. When she tries to run off to the ocean, her father redirects her attention to where it needs to be...until it's finally time to venture out on her quest.

There is a season where she is learning to lead her people, which will eventually make her into the person she needs to be in order to persevere through the next part of her journey.

The season I'm currently in is important because of the calling I've received to shepherd these beautiful little people, but ALSO because it's preparing me for the next season.

God is not wasteful. He is calling me to something else, but in His time, and when I'm ready. I have to accept that and enjoy it. Taking care of my children is all-consuming right now, but it won't be forever. As they say, the days are long, but the years are short.

2. My "Other" Calling Has An Appointed Time


For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
it hastens to the end - it will not lie.
If it seems slow,
wait for it;
it will surely come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
"This is the way, walk in it,"
whether you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
Isaiah 30:21 (ESV)

I sometimes have this feeling that I'm missing out on my calling by being a parent. Go ahead. Judge me. It's the truth.

I'm fully aware that being a parent is a high calling. I know the stewardship of young minds and hearts is a great responsibility. That hasn't kept my eye from wandering over to the horizon and wondering what adventures might be just beyond my reach.

However, time and again, I have tried to run off toward what I thought was my calling, and each time, with immense love and incredible patience, my heavenly Father has redirected my attention.

Unfortunately, Moana had to sneak away for her adventure (earthly parents don't always get it right), but I know, when it's time, my Father will not only let me go on my quest, He will lead me.

He's not going to let me miss my purpose. I just have to be patient.

3. Bring Them Along


shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight,
not under compulsion, but willingly,
as God would have you;
not for shameful gain, but eagerly;
not domineering over those in your charge,
but being an example to the flock.
And when the chief Shepherd appears,
you will receive the unfading crown of glory.
1 Peter 5:2-4 (ESV)

In order for Moana to complete her quest, Maui has to teach her to sail. Once she has succeeded and restored the heart of Te Fiti, she returns to her people to teach them as she has been taught. She becomes a voyager, and then teaches them to be voyagers, as well.

Slowly, but surely, as my children grow, all of us will have more time to spread our wings and learn new things. It's my job to be here for them, but also to continue learning and growing (as is appropriate for my season), so I can teach them.

As I'm able, I need to learn, grow, and adventure, so I can return and teach my children to do the same. My kids need to know they can go great things for the Kingdom of God, and they can learn that from my example. 



Thus ends my lessons from Moana. Seasons come and seasons go, but the love of my eternal Father remains steadfast and unchanging. He will teach me, guide me, and eventually, lead me to adventures beyond the horizon. Until then, it's my job to patiently wait, and be content to enjoy the season I'm in.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Identity Crisis



Well...this is awkward.

It's been so long since I've written, I barely feel I know how. Pardon me while I limp along.

For the past couple years, my identity has been a central theme. I look back on posts like this one from last year and laugh a little.

In it, I said I was "Almost Alissa." God had spoken to me, shown me who He wanted me to be, and somehow, I ascertained that I was ALMOST there. Just a little more tweaking, I thought, and then...then I'll be who God wants me to be in order to achieve the purposes He has for me.

I am both amused and shocked by my own naivete. My identity is much more "in flux" than I realized.

I've struggled some recently because I was feeling like I don't "fit in" at our new church. It's been difficult for me to form relationships, and often, I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

However, last week, at a vision meeting for the worship team, I realized the real crux of the issue.

During an ice breaker we were supposed to take selfies with the people around us. Some ran around enthusiastically taking pictures with one another, while others of us took selfies with the people around us, but beyond that, were comfortable sitting back and watching the others.

One of the younger team members came over to take a selfie with us, and she said, "I don't know if ya'll are introverts or what, but I love y'all, too! Let's take a selfie!"

I was totally okay with the selfie, but I REELED at the thought that I was being perceived as an introvert, not because I don't like introverts (I happen to LOVE them), but because that statement challenged everything I know about my identity.

I have known one thing from a VERY young age...I am an extrovert. I am a chatty, upbeat people-person.

I thought about it for the rest of the meeting and I came to a realization: the reason I'm not connecting with other people right now is because I'm not even connecting with myself. It reminded me of this conversation from the Lion King:

Adult Simba: Creepy little monkey. Would you stop following me! Who are you?
Rafiki: The question is, who... are you?
Adult Simba: [sighs] I thought I knew, but now I'm not so sure.
Rafiki: Well, I know who you are! Shh. Come here, it's a secret. [Whispers, then grows louder]
Rafiki: Asante sana Squash banana, Wiwi nugu Mi mi apana!
Adult Simba: Enough already! What's that supposed to mean, anyway?
Rafiki: It means you're a baboon... and I'm not.
Adult Simba: I think you're a little confused.
Rafiki: Wrong! I'm not the one who's confused. You don't even know who you are!
Adult Simba: Oh, and I suppose you know?
Rafiki: Sure do. You're Mufasa's boy! 


Obviously, I don't own this image. This is all Disney. :)

I thought I knew who I was, or at least, I thought I was close, but now I see it in a different light.


I'm not confused because I lost sight of who I am. I'm confused because I somehow lost sight of WHOSE I am. I am God's girl.

What I'm starting to realize, is that my personality will be in transition my entire life. Some elements will probably stay: joy, bubbliness, a degree of silliness, and I'll always be an extrovert at heart. However, other aspects of my personality may look different in different seasons or different situations. 

No matter what, though, I can never be who God wants me to be if I lose sight of the fact that I'm HIS, and anything I go through, whether tragedy or transition, is according to His purpose for my life: to teach me and to train me. 

All things work together for the good of those who love God:
those who are called according to HIS purpose.
Romans 8:28 (HCSB, emphasis added)

All things are not good. All feelings are not good. All seasons are not good.

But all things WORK TOGETHER for the good of those who love God, and who can recognize that what they "want" is not God's purpose. Sometimes we have to let go of what we want in order to receive what is truly best: God's purpose.

I've always felt a pressure to perform as the "Alissa" everyone expected me to be: positive, outgoing, talkative, etc. If I wasn't in character, then I was a disappointment. I felt the need to apologize for "not being myself."

However, I now understand that no one's expectations of who I am or how I behave can define me, and in reality, those expectations are for more internal than external. If I have a deep, abiding connection with God, "me" at any given moment will reflect HIM, and that's really all that matters.

Ironically, giving myself that freedom has actually made me feel more like "me" than I have in a REALLY long time. I feel settled, less like a performer and more genuine.

Many times in the Bible, we are told to take off our old way of life and clothes ourselves in Christ. As the sanctification process takes place, and we become ever more a reflection of Him, that outer garment changes to reflect the process.

There are times I have a message to share that I feel will deeply impact someone, and there are times I just feel it necessary to explain what's going on with me. This post is by far the latter.

Nevertheless, friend, if you feel "not yourself" lately - if you're not even sure who "yourself" is anymore - please know you are not alone, and that the only thing that really matters is that you know WHOSE you are.

Embrace that. Find yourself in Jesus, the one who is same, yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8).