Counting...and dreading...my blessings

**Disclaimer - this post is about some very personal decisions. It is not about YOUR personal decisions. I pass no judgment on anyone else, just me. If it makes you uncomfortable, search your heart and make sure that doesn't come from God...because I'm writing about decisions for OUR family. Now...let's dig in.**

My pastor is in the midst of a sermon series right now called "Break Away," and it's all about how we normally focus on our decisions and their outcomes, but we sometimes forget that what we believe determines our decisions, and once we've decided, we have far less control over the outcome than we imagine.

And sometimes our actions say far more about what we believe than our mouths. 

The main passage we're going through in the sermon series is Romans 12:1-2:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters,

in view of God's mercy,

to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and pleasing to God-

this is your true and proper worship.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-

His good, pleasing and perfect will.

The other passage he concentrated on yesterday was Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.

He noted that this is one of those passages that we kind of take for granted: Yeah, of course. I trust God with everything. I trust Him to know what's right for me.

Do we really though? Do we really trust God to know what's right...for us? 

We say we do, but if we REALLY trusted God to know what's right for us...in all things...then we would follow His word at all times, without question, right?

But there are some things...some things we just have such a hard time letting go of. We don't actually say we know more than God. How presumptuous would that be?! Instead, we silently take control out of His hands...sneaking it back into ours...because just this once, we know what's best. 

Sound familiar?

One of the things the pastor mentioned in his long list of areas where we tend to take control away from God was "how many children to have." 

Booooo!! That's something I've been trying not to think about because, quite frankly, every time I think about it, I get stressed out.

Not that I could really avoid thinking about it.

As a 35 year-old woman (which is, according to modern medicine, advanced maternal age) who is pregnant with her fifth child, I get quite a few questions and raised eyebrows.

Is this the last one?

Are you going to have more? 

or my favorite - You're done after this, right?

My answer to all these people...I. DON'T. KNOW.

I laugh it off, but inside, this is really causing me some serious inner turmoil.

My children are all blessings. I love them all dearly, and I am beyond thankful for each and every one of them...

BUT. There is always a but. Even as I write this, as I look at my youngest beam at me with joyful eyes from under gorgeous blond curls and feel the baby inside me kicking in the womb, I feel tired.

The thought of going through this process God only knows how many more times makes me want to cry. 

On top of that, I feel super selfish because, just after my second child, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and A LOT of women with that diagnosis have a very difficult time getting pregnant.

Apparently, I'm not one of them.

And those women, the ones who can't have babies, they aren't any LESS blessed by God!! They are simply blessed in different ways!! 

The question is, though, if I can have babies and God would provide them if I allowed it, am I refusing a blessing He would give? Am I saying, "God, I know you might bless me in THIS way, but I want to be blessed in a different way. Can you just give me a different blessing, please? The one you've chosen isn't good enough"?

The Bible never talks about women not wanting to have babies. Conversely, they were always wanted, always a blessing (except in Isaiah where he talks about the forthcoming judgment of Israel). Here are just a couple of the passages on the matter:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.

Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127:3-5

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;

your children will be like olive shoots around your table.

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

The Lord bless you from Zion!

May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!

Psalm 128:3-5

The Bible speaks of God opening and closing the wombs of certain women, which begs the question, should I simply trust Him to open and close mine?

Society says, "no." When I was about 30 weeks pregnant with Phinehas, the doctor asked, "do you know what type of birth control you'll use after the baby is born?" The question wasn't if, but what type.

Today, there's rarely a question over whether a woman will control how many children she has, and those who choose to leave it up to God are often viewed as zealots...even among believers.

WHY then, if the Bible is so clear that babies are always a blessing, is my heart so torn?

I mean, after all, a lot of the other stuff I want to do...the stuff that's very difficult to do with tons of children in tow...is really GOOD stuff. It's ministry stuff!! It's GOD stuff!

*sigh* stuff...children...or other stuff. 

Actually, now that I'm writing it down, it's really not a question of if, is it? If God wants me to do ministry stuff, He'll provide the when and how, won't He? It doesn't really matter how many children I have...because I can do all things within His will through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Josiah is pretty solid on the subject. Babies are a blessing. He sees my children from my previous marriage as a blessing, the children we've been given together as a blessing, and any children we might have in the future as a blessing.

A lot of women would say, well, it's easy for him to see them as a blessing, but he doesn't have to carry them!

Well, no, not for nine months in the womb. And yes, I'm the one who's majorly responsible for teaching and loving throughout the day, but he will carry them in many other ways throughout their lives. He's the one that's responsible for caring for them financially and for leading our household. He doesn't bat an eye at the responsibility...

if only his wife were as steadfast.

Furthermore, despite the fact that many would argue that it's my body, and therefore my decision, the Bible is very clear that's NOT the case:

The wife does not have authority over her own body

but yields it to her husband.

In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body

but yields it to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church,

his body, of which he is the Savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ,

so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:22-33

Gotta love those two verses. They make women's libbers all over the planet anywhere from super uncomfortable to downright incensed.

They are neither unclear or muddled: I'm to submit to my husband. My body is not just mine anymore, but his, and I should trust him to care for it and make decisions for it. 

So, here's the question...will I trust God in this area? Will I trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding? Will I dare to defy conforming to this world, renew my mind, and experience true and proper worship by presenting my body as a sacrifice?

That's straight out of scripture, folks, and the answer seems clear. I don't necessarily like it, but it's clear as day.

I might be wrestling with this decision for nothing. There's a possibility that I won't even be able to have any more children. Nevertheless, now that I've written my heart and the scripture down, I strongly feel - for our family - handing the possibility over to God is the only way to go.

How do you feel about this matter? Has your family made a different decision? I'd love to hear about it!

OR what about other areas of your life? I'm wrestling with this, but is there something else you're wrestling with? Are you silently ripping control from God's hands in some other area of your life? Are you saying to Him, I know best in THIS one area?

If so, I pray you'll examine your own heart and motives and seek His path and His glory, so He can make your paths straight.