Lost

A few minutes ago, a young man who's wrestling with what to do with his future asked me how I got into the ministry.

I literally laughed out loud. Literally. L-O-L.

Is that what I am? I'm in the ministry? I mean, sure, I'd really like to be. I'd LOVE to be. I feel like that's what God has called me to do, but...is that what I'm doing?

I'm the director of our church's marriage ministry at church, but let's face it, that doesn't make me IN ministry. That makes me a glorified Sunday School teacher. And there's this blog...that I do nothing with anymore...that I avoid like the plague because it makes me feel like a failure.

I don't know what I am anymore or where I belong. I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads screaming at God to tell me which way to go...but nothing...not yet.

Josiah and I don't know where we should be. Here? In Texas? Somewhere entirely different?

He's looking for a new job, but we don't know where that's going to be. Wherever that is, that's where we'll assume God wants us. But nothing yet.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel completely stagnant. I feel like no matter what I do to try to make a difference where I am, I'm just failing...so I wanna leave.

The nomad in me wants to take off for better pastures, I think. Maybe it's just not in my blood to stay one place for too long.

I just feel lost.

There's my confession for all you folks: I am lost.

I don't know where I belong. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I had a pastor tell me one time that if you'll pay close attention, you'll find God will send you people to encourage you on the path you're supposed to be on...they'll encourage you in the area of your gifts.

I've felt that feeling before. When I was trying to decide whether to stay home and homeschool or continue working, I felt like God put a lot of people in my path to encourage me to homseschool. That was my path.

But now...I feel nothing. No encouragement...not in speaking, writing, or the marriage ministry. Does that mean I'm not supposed to be doing it?

Maybe I've completely misinterpreted what God wants from me.

I've avoided writing about this for some time. I've tried to wrestle silently with the whole issue...to try to work it out with God in my head and my heart.

But He's been pretty silent on it. I don't know what that means either.

You know what I told that kid? The one who asked me the question a few minutes ago? I told him the decision probably wasn't important right now because if it was, God would make His will known.

You know what? I. AM. A. HYPOCRITE. Because I don't feel at all that way.

And I truly wish I had something more definitive to say about this...something that wraps it up in a pretty bow and makes it a lesson. Something that gives this rant value to anyone...even me.

But I don't. I just...needed to get it off my chest, I guess.

I'm sure I'll feel convicted about it tomorrow, but today...it is what it is.

Today I'm lost.