We're Breaking Up: Kicking Out Self-Doubt

"Being prideful isn't thinking too much of oneself,

but thinking of oneself too much."

I don't know who said this, but whomever it was speaks truth.

Anyone who knows me well (or has read this blog at all) probably knows me and and Self-Doubt are the best of frienemies. I try pretty hard to ditch her, but somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, I cling to her. I'm a toddler clutching my filthy, ragged blanky; it's disgusting, but comforting.

Sometimes, I forget she's hanging out, but then, mostly when changing hormones are involved, she makes her presence known, like the wallflower at the party who turns into the screaming, crying drunk.

Most recently, this self-doubt has been connected to my business.

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a promoter for a direct marketing company. It has changed and continues to change my life and health and promoting for them is what allows me to stay at home AND keep our budget in the black.

It sounds like I'm successful, but I never really feel that way. Here's the deal, and what I cried about to poor Josiah last night: because I've found a modicum of success in this beautiful direct sales business, it's made me "a leader."

I have a team...a team I'm supposed to be leading to success...a team I'm supposed to encourage toward their own success. In this area...in leading my team...I feel like a constant failure. I have since the beginning.

I feel like a fraud.

I spilled all of this to Josiah last night. He reminded me of a few things, and then today, by the morning light, it all kind of came together.

I AM a leader because I'm doing my best with what God gave me.

That's what I encourage in my team, right? I encourage them to do what they're capable of doing. Why do I expect anything differently from myself?

I look at other leaders in the company and compare my success with theirs, but they aren't me. God didn't put me in their shoes; he put me in mine, and these are the ones in which I am destined to walk.

I love the company, the products, and the founders, but also...

• I am a mother of SIX children: one in college, one navigating the beginning of her teen years, one caught somewhere between funny little boy and learning to be a man, two rambunctious toddlers, and a sweet infant.
• I am a homeschool teacher.
• I am a wife who loves her husband fiercely and passionately and tries desperately to make him and our home a priority.
• I am a friend.
• I am a woman of God.

Here, in the life God gave me, in all these things, I am a LEADER simply because that's who God made me to be.

My leadership just looks different than other leaders in the company...and I need to come to a place where I can be okay with that.

I seek His will and His wisdom each and every day. I try to do my best to "grow my business," but at some point, I have to trust that if I plant the seeds, He will water the garden and bring in the harvest. 

He's the one in control.

There are those in the industry who are praised for "hitting numbers" and letting other things in life slide. If I'm being totally honest, that's what my first couple months in the business looked like because they HAD to. God put the opportunity in my path and a fire in my heart to help people and to help my family, and that sucker BLAZED.

The fire is still there, but now it's a steady, controlled burn...the only kind I can have and still maintain my home and family.

We all have to set our priorities. Mine look like this:

1. God
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Business

I will still continue to work on my business daily because I BELIEVE in it...but I also believe God made me a girl with a lot of hats, and I need to make sure I'm ordering my life accordingly.

Seek His will in all you do,

and He will show you what path to take.

Proverbs 3:6 (NLT)

The Bible says if I acknowledge HIM in all my ways, then He'll keep me on the right path. Therefore, that's what I'm committing to do. I'm going to try my hardest and just trust that if I'm moving in the wrong direction, He'll let me know.

Whenever you turn to the right or to the left,

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

"This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:21

So, Self-Doubt, today I'm rejecting you. We're breaking up. It's just not working out.

If you're on my team, please know I LOVE YOU. You may not hear from me as often as some of the other leaders, but I pray for you often. I will do anything I can for you, to help and inspire you, whether that's business encouragement or you just need a friend or a prayer. If you need me, please let me know!!

I am not perfect, but I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, AND a leader. In all these things, I choose to THRIVE.