Releasing the Devil's Snare

I sat on the bench, cloaked in despair, while he stared at me, helpless to change it. My lips began to tremble and hot tears streamed down my face. He grabbed me and held me close. “No, no, no. Don’t do that,” he whispered. “Don’t go there again. Come back to me.”

All day long, I’d battled. I’d prayed, read the Word, and had Josiah pray over me. And yet, despite my best efforts, I vacillated between somewhat functional and barely breathing.

I don’t typically struggle a lot with depression (or at least, I don’t feel like I do). Lately, though, I feel covered in it. I pray and fight, but it’s sticky like tar, and at times, the more I fight, the more stuck and hopeless I feel.

We tell people to declare truth over their lives, to "praise through," but y'all, I declared truth backwards, forwards, and upside down. My mind knew the truth, but I couldn't make my heart believe it! 

Like Ron Weasly in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, I've been stuck fast in the Devil’s Snare, and the more I wiggle and squirm, the tighter the trap winds around me - constricted, breathless. I know I should just be still, rest, but the tighter they get, the more I panic and strain.

This day in particular, as my husband held me on a bench in Yorktown, was one of the worst. I gathered myself enough to allow him to lead me back to the van; he never let go.

He drove us down Colonial Parkway in silence. I wanted to talk - to say something, anything - but I couldn’t make words travel from my head to my mouth. As we drove down the parkway, I looked at the water and briefly thought about Naaman in the Bible washing himself seven times in the Jordan to be healed of leprosy (2 Kings 5).

I didn’t tell Josiah about it, though. I was trapped in my own head.

Then, a few minutes later, he pulled over to one of the small beach areas there on the parkway. I wasn’t thinking about Namaan then, but I knew I desperately needed to get to sand and water. I desperately needed to connect with the elements - to feel them, to feel alive.

I flew to the riverside, tossed my shoes aside, and wiggled my toes in the wet sand, the water lapping at my feet. Josiah wrapped his arms around me, my constant comforter. I whirled around and asked him, “Are we going anywhere after this?”

“Do you want to?!” he queried, sounding hopeful...probably just because I’d uttered normal words.

I paused, turned toward the water, and trudged in fully-clothed. I entered up to my knees, and then dipped my hands in the small, rippling waves. In my heart, I heard the familiar Psalm:

How happy is the man

who does not follow the advice of the wicked

or take the path of sinners

or join a group of mockers!

Instead, his delight is in the Lord’s instruction,

and he meditates on it day and night.

He is like a tree planted beside streams of water

that bears its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers.

Psalm 1:1-3

I wanted to be a tree planted firmly by the water. I wanted to stop withering.

I turned toward Josiah and felt my lips stretch across my teeth, bearing a true, genuine smile for the first time all day. It felt freaking awesome.

Then, God reminded me of Namaan.

I waded back to Josiah, knowing I hadn’t been obedient yet, but it just felt so flipping foolish. I wanted to be like a tree planted by the water, but I did not want to follow His instructions. I remembered Naaman didn’t want to either.

I mentioned my idea to Josiah, and he urged me on. I stomped back into the river, a little more resistant this time, a little more defiant. “Do I have to go all the way under?! I just did my hair!”

He grinned and said, “If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer.” Ugh.

I wrestled with the best way to “dip” myself in knee-deep water, and finally just plopped by butt on the river bottom and tossed myself backwards. The water washed over me, and I could see the light shining through the water, even behind my closed eyelids.

Just like Namaan, seven times I threw myself backwards into the river. The very last time, I let the water carry me for a moment, floating, wanting to soak in every bit of healing I could get.

I emerged feeling whole and healed, laughing. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t for quite a while. The water washed away the sticky veil of darkness, allowing the light to shine through, like it healed Naamon’s leprosy: not because of the water itself, but because of the obedience it required to follow the orders through to completion.

Joshua marched his troops around Jericho once a day for six days and seven times on the seventh.

Elijah prayed for rain seven times, until after the seventh his servant saw a cloud forming in the distance.

Elisha told Naaman to dip seven times in the Jordan River to get healed. He didn’t like it. He was angry, but he did it anyway.

And so did I. Devil’s snare hates the light.

Friend, if you are facing darkness, if the enemy is lying to you, whispering in your ear that you are alone, lifeless, worthless, you need to know you are not alone, you are of infinite worth, and there is so much life in front of you. I’ve been right there with you. I’ve felt the overwhelming fatigue of battle, but you are worth fighting for - and Jesus knew you were worth dying for. Do not give up.

“So I say to you, keep asking, and it will be given to you.

Keep searching, and you will find.

Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

For everyone who asks receives,

and the one who searches finds,

and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

Luke 11:9-10

Keep knocking at the door. Keep seeking Christ. Keep searching for His truth. And goodness knows, if he asks you to do something, no matter how silly or scary, DO IT.

There is no breakthrough without a breaking: a breaking of will, defiance, and self-reliance. Keep working to break through that wall of darkness to find the light on the other side because, I assure you, no matter the seemingly endless abyss of night, daybreak MUST come eventually.

You WILL see the light. A harvest of life and righteousness is coming, if only you will persevere and not give up!

Your eye is the lamp of the body.

When your eye is good, your whole body is also full of light.

But when it is bad, your body is also full of darkness.

Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.

If, therefore, your whole body is full of light,

with no part of it in darkness,

it will be entirely illuminated

as when a lamp shines its light on you.”

Luke 11:34-36

A Lidl Humiliation

Obviously, my trip looked nothing like this, but man, it feels like it sometimes. 

I didn't really expect to learn a lesson about myself in the grocery store yesterday, but like most lessons I've learned, the timing wasn't really up to me.

My kids wanted to go to the new Lidl store around the corner. It's an interesting store, full to the brim with natural light and an eclectic assortment of goods. And I swear they pipe the smell of fresh, hot cookies baking throughout the store because you CANNOT escape it.

The thing about Lidl stores, though, is that you have to bag your own groceries. Fine! I knew that, and I was prepared.

We had two carts, with a little sibling in the front of each. Ryan was in charge of one cart over to the side and holding Phinehas's hand, while Emily and I sorted out the bagging of the groceries in the other cart.

When we had the groceries arranged appropriately, I looked up, and Ryan had wandered off about 10-15 feet. He and Phinehas were playing some sort of "ride the cart and swing it around game," and it really irritated me.

I scolded him, and asked him to think through the reasons why he should NOT be doing what he was doing. He was able to come up with "Phinehas might get hurt," and I was more than happy to add on a couple more reasons.

I was pretty happy with my parenting solution. Score one for mom for helping with that frontal lobe development!

But Emily was NOT happy, and because she's related to me AND a teenager, it was remarkably obvious. I asked her what was wrong, and after a little prodding, she said something like this:

That was really loud mom, and really embarrassing. You really embarrassed him.

Two things happened in that moment. First, I realized I had just disrespected my son in public. I'm trying to build this kid's self-esteem, not decimate it. I may have just influenced his ability to think through consequences, but I also hurt him unnecessarily.

Second, and more importantly, I realized I had been so loud, not just because I naturally AM (and I REALLY AM), but because I wanted to be seen parenting his misbehavior well.

I wanted to be seen parenting well.

That really hurts to write. It hurts to put out there. But there it is because it's honest.

I had this moment where the Holy Spirit held a mirror to my face and said, "You need to see this as it really is. You need to see what your intentions were."

I apologized to Ryan right away. I told him I was sorry for disrespecting him in front of all those people. He needed to be corrected, but his heart also needs to be protected, and I had wounded him for the sake of my own pride.

After we got settled in the car, I also had to thank Emily for correcting me. That, too, was humbling, but necessary. Sometimes, my kids will try to correct my parenting, and they get a "talk to the hand" response. They'll understand when they're parents.

But this was very different. She expressed herself respectfully, and she was RIGHT. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have been able to see the error of my ways, and she needed to know that was appreciated.

The more I thought about it, though, that behavior has a tendency to be my modus operandi: I consistently struggle between my desire to give my best to God, and my desire to be SEEN giving my best to God.

In my parenting...
In my marriage...
In my friendships...
In my worship...
In my writing...
On my facebook wall...

I've often commented that God gave me "showy" gifts. Singing, writing, speaking. Teaching and exhortation. The expression of most of my gifts involves me being seen, but with them come a constant struggle with my own pride.

I read an article this morning about Francis Chan, and why he left the church he was pastoring. He said about the period after his book Crazy Love was published:

I freaked out during that point in my life....The pride...[going to] a conference and seeing my face on a magazine...and hearing whispers...and walking into a room and actually liking it.

Man...that resonates with me. I haven't written a book yet, and my face certainly hasn't adorned any magazine covers, but I can still see me in that statement.

Jesus was pretty clear about where he stood on this behavior:

Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of people,

to be seen by them.

Otherwise, you will have no reward from your Father in Heaven.

So whenever you give to the poor,

don't sound the trumpets before you,

like the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets,

to be applauded by people.

I assure you: They've got their reward.

Matthew 6:1-3 (HCSB, emphasis added)

My flesh desires greatly to be seen. What's left for me, then? Do I stop sharing those gifts? Maybe, for a time, if it gets out of hand, but generally, His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So when I worship, sometimes, I vacillate between a genuine outpouring of praise and worrying about what people are thinking about me, and then I smile and think to myself, "forgive me, thank your grace is sufficient."

When I write, I vacillate between genuinely wanting to share hope and healing and wondering how many people will read the post and how I can boost my numbers. When that happens, I smile and pray and ask for forgiveness, and praise God that His grace is sufficient to cover that, too.

I'm telling all this for two reasons. First, because sharing it keeps me in check. If I have made the world aware that I desire to be seen, it's a little easier to remember to be humble; I've admitted my weakness to the world, and the world has a way of reminding you of those weaknesses.

But also, because I know I'm not alone. There are an abundance of Bible verses about pride because, as fallible humans, it's one of our greatest faults.

Your struggle may not look exactly the same, but I would fairly confidently assert that it's roots are in pride and selfishness: a need to be right, a need to know, a need to feel desired, a need for control. They all come from the same place.

No matter what your particular brand of pride looks like, know that His grace is sufficient for you, too. He loves you anyway, in a way that is deeper and wider than your comprehension, and it began before He laid the foundations of the earth.

Whether your lessons come in the hazy morning light after a night of mistakes, the computer lit glare of an internet faux pas, or (like me) the front of a remarkably sun-lit grocery store, the pure, dazzling light of your Savior covers it all.

He holds His light to our blemishes, not so we can be ashamed of them, but so we can see them in contrast with his perfection and make appropriate corrections. The only way to be MORE like Him, is to see the ways in which we are NOTHING like Him, and to be more like Him is, daily, my goal.

How's your eyesight?

Have you had your spiritual eyes checked lately?

In my Bible reading this morning I came upon Matthew 6:22, which reads:

The eye is the lamp of the body.

If your eye is good, 

your whole body will be full of light.

But if your eye is bad,

your whole body will be full of darkness.

So if the light within you is darkness--

how deep is that darkness!

Honestly, this passage stopped me dead, which is funny because if there's one book of the Bible I've read A LOT it's Matthew. Why? Because every time I had some wild idea I was going to read the whole Bible, I'd either start in Genesis or Matthew or both. (Aside: Josiah an I are currently using the 365 Day Plan on the YouVersion app, and we love it!).

So, I come upon a passage that should be familiar to me...and is...sorta. I think I've read these words before, but I failed to stop and seriously think about what they mean.

This particular passage in Matthew is sandwiched between two passages on money--don't store up your treasures on Earth but in heaven and no one can be a slave of two masters.

Interesting. That seems to have NOTHING to do with your eye being your lamp. Fantastic!

I did a little more digging, and apparently, this was something Jesus said a lot, in a few different contexts. 

Luke 11:33-35 reads like this:

No one lights a lamp and puts it in the cellar or under a basket,

but on a lampstand, so that those who come in may see its light.

Your eye is the lamp of the body.

When your eye is good, your whole body is also full of light.

But when it is bad, your body is also full of darkness.

Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.

If, therefore, your whole body is full of light,

with no part of it in darkness, it will be entirely illuminated,

as when a lamp shines it's light on you.

Once again, I think this may be a passage I've just skimmed over and taken for granted. Like "Oh right, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. I get that. Moving on." But um...that's not what this says.

Let's break this down. 

In the Luke passage, and elsewhere when Jesus mentions this in the NT, the greater context of what He's been talking about has been the evil times or the Pharisees...people choosing to walk in darkness even though the light was right in front of them.

See, there is a "this little light of mine" passage, but this isn't it. This is a perception passage. This is a passage about spiritual light and darkness.

This is important.

The Pharisees and many others were choosing to stay in darkness...to see only what they wanted to see. They were putting a basket over their heads, or burying their heads in the cellar--whichever visual you choose.

Jesus was telling them to see the light--His light. 

You might look at this and say, "Those silly Pharisees. They couldn't see Jesus when He was right in front of them! I see Jesus. I know Jesus."

Take care then, that the light in you is not darkness.

Are you sure your light isn't darkness. Are you really seeing the light, or is your light actually darkness.

The Pharisees didn't think they were in darkness. They didn't think they were putting on a blindfold to good, to God. They thought they were right.

So if the light within you is darkness--

how deep is that darkness!

That was the phrase that really caught me in Matthew. It seems so contradictory. How can the light in you be darkness?? 

When you think it's light, but it's actually darkness...and how deep is that darkness!

I don't know about you, but I want to live in the light!

Dear Heavenly Father,

help us see Your glorious light.

If there is any area of our lives

where we've inadvertently put on blinders,

dear Lord, please rip them off.

The light may be painful and blinding at first,

but we don't want to live in the dark.

We want good eyes.

We want great eyes.

We want Your eyes.

Please help us Lord.

Amen.

Linking up today with:
Time Warp Wife

Playing with Razors

My little Ryan hurt himself yesterday. Although he's been told many times not to, he decided to touch his sister's razor in the bathroom.

Sometimes, it's just hard to be a little boy with sisters.

He came to me with a bloody thumb and tears in his sad, little eyes and wailed, "Mommy it hurts!"

I bandaged his little digit and gave him hugs. In this situation he'd already gotten punishment enough, but he did get a little speech.

We talked about why mommies and daddies have rules: to keep their children from getting hurt. We also talked about God's rules for us: they are for our benefit, and keep us from getting hurt. Emily chimed in at that point and said, "And to keep us from hurting other people."

*sigh* I don't know if she knows the weight of her statement

My sister-in-law, Jamie, wrote a beautiful blog post recently about her walk with God, and it so mirrored mine. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I just didn't get it. I had no idea how to go about living it. I thought there were "good Christians," and then there was me, and I tried, but I just couldn't be that good. I was too dirty. 

I made decisions for my life and never once consulted God because I prayed, but I had no clue how to hear His voice in my life; so why pray about decisions? 

I was flying on a wing and a prayer. My plane was in bad shape, and all my instruments were down. I didn't know where I was going, but I hoped I was still sort of in one piece when I got there.

Just to let you know, that's not a good way to go through life.

But then, God brought people into my life that showed me how to walk with Him...and it changed my life forever. He bandaged my wounded heart and continues to every day.

Last night I had dessert with my gorgeous young friend and her wonderful boyfriend. We talked about the blog and church, and she said she's trying to find God for herself. She's had some bad experiences with religion and church and hypocrisy and seeing unfaithful Christians, and now she's trying to work out her faith.

Oh my heart.

I told her I was proud of her and she needs to find Jesus for herself. Hear this: you cannot own someone else's religion. It has to be yours, in your heart. I have faith that she'll find Him, and I'll help her any way I can.

But it made me think back to when I was younger...all three years ago or so. I thought back to all the times I was claiming Jesus and clamoring around in the dark. I think again about people I may have misled or turned away from the gospel. I've asked for forgiveness, and I know it's been granted, but often accepting it is the hardest part.

Please understand this, and I say it not with condemnation but from experience - if you are claiming Jesus, but walking in darkness (not reflecting His light), then you are actively working for the other side. I see that now. There is no middle ground. I wasn't helping, so I was hurting...that's just how it is.

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, 

that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 

If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, 

we lie and do not practice the truth. 

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, 

we have fellowship with one another, 

and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

(1 John 1:5-7, ESV)

So, if you're there, walking in darkness, and you want to know how to walk in The Light, contact me. Email me (alissaandjosiah@yahoo.com); facebook me (https://www.facebook.com/daizygirl1979); comment here; heck, send carrier pigeons, whatever it takes. If you don't want to talk to me, call or email my pastor, Jim Weston, at Menchville Baptist Church (757-877-4532; pastorjim@menchvillebaptist.com).

Just don't go another day without claiming what is already yours! All you have to do is reach out and take it! There may be a cost (there is with every decision), and it probably won't be painless; I won't tell you a lie. But I will tell you this: it is always worth it. HE is always worth it. The relationship with Him is always worth it.

Life has many "razors", and unfortunately, most of them look like they'd be fun to touch. God's Word is there for us, not to hinder us from having fun, but to keep us and others, safe. We all have scars from the razors we've played with, but God is waiting, hearing our desperate cries saying, "Jesus it hurts!" 

But He's still waiting: to dry our tears, bandage our wounded hearts, and teach us the lessons we so desperately need. Let Him.

Do not fear, for I am with you;

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

(Isaiah 41:10, NIV)

Linking up with:
Simply Beth
Juana Mikels
Time Warp Wife

Seeking the Light

I feel like God has some lessons in my life stuck on "replay."  More than likely, that's because I'm just not really getting it the first time!

Right now I'm working in a book called "Discovering Your Creativity" by the wonderful people from Women of Faith (I picked it up used from Moore Expressions for $1! Only the first couple pages were written on.) One of the questions last week asked you what you would do for a career if there were NO boundaries - if every job paid the same, no childcare considerations, etc. - the sky's the limit.

My responses?

• Sing
• Act
• Dance 
• Write

As I looked at my responses, I felt a familiar shame creep in....

"Wow, Alissa Shea, could you be any more, 'LOOK AT ME!!'? All your responses are so spotlight-seeking. You are such an attention whore!" (Yes, I called myself an attention whore...it's not a nice word, but it's truth...so there).

So, there I was...staring at the book in shame...wondering why everything I dreamed of being was showy...wondering why I couldn't be different.

But then...

I continued the study.  And the verse we had to look up was this:

"You are the light of the world. 

A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.

 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. 

Instead they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 

In the same way, let your light shine before others, 

that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:14-16

Oh my dear, God. Why do I always question and put down your creation.

Once again, God showed me that He made me, He formed me in my mother's womb, not to be ashamed of who I am, but to use the gifts He gave me to glorify Him.

As long as I keep that in perspective, as long as I am not self-seeking but God seeking, then I am doing exactly what He made me to do.

God made Alissa.

• He made her happy, and giggly.
• He made her with a voice that sings and a heart that dances (her body loves to dance, too, but we're just not putting that on display).
• He made her with a heart for words and a love for expressing them.

God made me, and he has a plan for me. Instead of wallowing in shame, I need to embrace that, and seek His will for my life and His glory.

Are you showy, too, or is your light different? Make no mistake, if you're an introvert, someone who hates the spotlight and does everything you can to stay out of it, this lesson still applies. 

YOU HAVE LIGHT. 

God created you exactly the way you are for a purpose, and he has good works prepared for you so you can walk in them (Eph. 2:10) and, in doing so, shine the light on Him.

I'd love to hear about your light? What would you do if you could do anything? What did God make you to do that makes your heart sing?

Whatever it is, I pray that you'll embrace it, and LET IT SHINE.

Linking up today with Time Warp Wife