Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just Write: I want to cry, but I can't.

I want to cry, but I can't.

I'm tired and frustrated, feel overused and under-appreciated.

I want to cry, but I can't...hold it together, Alissa.

"Alright, guys, it's bedtime.  Let's go."  Bite your lip and refuse to think.  Refuse to think about how you have to go back to work tomorrow...to the job that pays the bills.  To the job that keeps your family alive.  To the job that's driving you insane.  Paper, paper, paper and more paper.  The seamless flow of never ending paper.  No project ever ends and every day the same as the one before.  Groundhog day...again and again.

Everything is irritating me.  Is it really that the kids aren't behaving, or do I have a short fuse?  Did I love them enough today?  I don't remember.

I shuttled them to Daddy's early so I could get to work.  I got off work early so I could shuttle everyone to the dentist.  Cleaning, cleaning one by one.  Shuttle to the grocery store to buy something for dinner because Mommy couldn't remember to thaw the chicken.  So, what's for dinner?  Chicken...Farm Fresh rotisserie style.

"Please stop talking so I can decide what vegetables to get.  Please get over here.  Please get off the cart.  Please don't touch your sister.  Please stop antagonizing your brother.  Please!  Stop!  I CAN'T THINK!!"

"What did I do?  Why am I in trouble?  All I did was....  All I said was...."

Whining and crying all the way home.  Disrespectful faces and harsh words.  Now we're home, and it's time to prepare dinner and oh yeah, spankings all around.

Dinnertime.  Dear Lord, thank you for this food and help me with the nervous breakdown please.  More peas?  More chicken?  More pasta?  More, more, more.

"Did you make the cake, Mom?  Is it ready?  Can I ice it?  Is it cooled?  How long to cool?  Now?  Now?"

Josiah is here.  YAY!  Hugs for Josiah.  Make him a plate.  Is it warm?  Is it enough?  Does he like light meat or dark meat?  I can't remember.

"Josiah, your dinner is ready."  Where's Josiah.  What's that squealing?  He's playing with Ryan.  Ryan is giggling and laughing and playing.  Josiah hasn't eaten; he's barely walked through the door.  And yet, and yet, he's still found time to get down on the floor and play with my son.  I love him.  I love them.

Did I play with my son today?  Did I love the kids enough today?  Did I give them what they needed?

I don't remember.

Now they're asleep and it's all too late.  Assignments to do.  Bathrooms still aren't clean.  Laundry still isn't put away.  Kitchen isn't all the way clean.  More, more, more, more.

And I won't think about the job I have to go to tomorrow.  The job that pays the bills.  The job that keeps my family alive.  The job that keeps me in a windowless hole for 8-9 hours per day.  "The light!  It burns!"  The job that slowly makes me feel like I'm dying inside.  The job I used to really like.  The job that keeps my family alive.

Did I love my kids enough today?  I don't remember.

I want to cry, but I can't.


  1. Your words really resonate with me - I've said and felt the same way recently 'I want to cry, but I can't. "Did I love my kids enough today?" "Did I play with them enough today?" Sometimes, some days are just so much harder than others.
    Its these kinds of moments that I need to remember God's promises that we can always take everything to Him in prayer - and He'll listen, no matter what the answer may be - He'll listen. Pouring it out is always so therapeutic though, isn't it?

  2. This took my breath away. I have days like that. Too many days. But even if we don't love them enough one day? They know they are loved. I'll be thinking about you while I sit in my windowless jail tomorrow.

    Working mommies unite.

  3. Amber and Heidi, thank you so much for commenting and for your lovely comments.

    Heidi, this writing was REALLY therapeutic. I needed to get that out desperately. I needed to attempt to express, not just the frustration, but the speed of the day...the noise. I also poured my heart out in prayer to God last night. It was pretty, but I'm sure He got it. LOL

    Amber, I sure hope you're right about the kids knowing they're loved because I think there's a very short window of time for us to express it before they're image of who we are and how we feel about them is cemented. Amen on the working Mommies uniting! LOL Bless them in their windowless jails everywhere!

  4. I am a full time student and boy did these words hit home !

    Big hugs to you! Even though it probably feels like you aren't doing enough, I am sure you are a wonderful mother!

  5. LOL I know where you're coming from. I'm in school full-time too. And thank you so much for the encouragement!!

  6. You sound exhausted. And rightfully so. I'm sending you a virtual hug.