Mainly, I'm kind of scared right now...and that makes me feel really guilty. If I have faith in God, then being faithful is actively exercising that faith, right? Faith in action. Then what part in my life can fear playt? Do I doubt God's ability to take care of me? No, I definitely don't doubt that. I think I doubt my ability to correctly interpret exactly what it is He wants me to do. I think I fear taking what I want and trying to make it God's will.
The main issue right now? What the heck are we going to do when I have this baby? There are women all over the world that have four children and work full-time; why do I feel so adamantly opposed to it? I want to do what's best for my family - spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I feel SO guilty for not wanting to go back to work after the baby. I know Josiah is freaking out about everything financially. Poor guy. He's gone from being completely single and without fetters to having three children and a wife to care for, a mortgage, and another baby on the way in no time flat. I try to comfort myself with the fact that I know he loves us so much and wouldn't have it any other way...but somehow it doesn't keep me from feeling guilty.
So, what the heck do I do?
- It's been suggested that my company might let me work from home. Frankly, I don't see that happening AT ALL. They won't want to set that precedent.
- It's also been suggested that I watch children in my home. I know that makes a lot of sense to people...but it makes me absolutely cringe. Ugh. I adore my children, but I'm just not a "kid person." Does that make sense? Maybe I should say I'm not an "other people's kids person."
- So what if I waitress some at night? I like waitressing. I know that sounds a little nutty, but I do. I like the interaction with people. The only three things that really concern me with that are 1) can I make enough money doing it? and 2) will my ankle hold out? 3) I may get to be with the baby during the day, but how much will I really be able to see Josiah and the older kids? Hmmmm...food for thought.
- I've had this...business idea, I guess. It's still forming. The idea itself is in the embryonic stage and has yet to fully develop so it can be born. Unfortunately, I don't have a ton of time to develop it right now, either. I'm hoping to have some time next semester because I'm taking time off from school. I need a break.
Know what though? I can't help but feel like waiting is exactly what I'm supposed to do right now. It's something I've said before, over and over, but I feel like God is bringing something, and I'm supposed to wait for it. How do you explain that to a nervous husband while also trying desperately to manage your own guilt and make sure you're not just being a lazy bones who doesn't want to work?
My guess is that I'm just supposed to pray and trust, but that feels like the most naive answer on the planet.
On the other hand, I read of a couple yesterday that followed God's call halfway across the country to a place where they had no jobs and no family...they just trusted and followed...and they said they were infinitely happy they had. That is being faithful, my friends.
Do I have it in me to be that faithful?