- Two people told me to breathe which means I must have been giving off a hyperventilating vibe. I would love to say that wasn't the case, and it just came off that way because I was "stream of consciousness" writing. But let's be real...I totally needed to breathe. See? That's one of the reasons I like writing this blog so much! I don't always allow myself to express these frustrations or fears until I can write them out or work them out with someone verbally. I just shove them to the side until they make me a little nuts! So...thank you Julie and Trish...I breathed. :P
- Another friend sent me a private message on FB and told me how God had worked in her family's life which led to her being able to stay at home. She also said she feels like God worked in her husband's heart to make that his desire for the family, and therefore, a desire they both shared. She shared Psalm 37:4 which states that if we find our delight in Him, he will give us the desires of our hearts, which she took to mean if we are truly seeking His will and glory, he will work in our hearts to make HIS desires our desires. Well...that's novel...and probably remarkably accurate. I think I tend to over-inflate my importance and underestimate His abilities.
- My cousin Trish actually said a few things that got me. The first was "breathe," but we already went over that. Second, she told me to look up Matthew 6:31-34. It says, " So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Well...ouch. Worrying like the pagans. Yeesh. I'm spending time worrying instead of trusting my ALMIGHTY God. Nice...is that a waste of time much? Furthermore, if having an active faith is what distinguishes me from those who don't know our loving, faithful God, I might want to put my "money where my mouth is" so to speak, and live my faith.
- She then noted 1 Peter 5:7 which says to cast all our anxieties on the Lord. We all know that though, right? And we just talked about that a second ago. But she also said I shouldn't give him my anxieties and then take them back. Yay...more conviction. She's absolutely right. I keep praying and telling Him I'm going to trust Him, and then I yank my concerns back as though HE isn't capable of handling them...like I'm going to be better at it. *sigh*
There were also a couple little things that have happened in the last couple days to confirm this desire in my heart to be with my kids.
First, in the introductions we have to do at the beginning of our classes one girl said she was a mom and a wife and went on to note that those were full-time jobs, but she wasn't currently working for pay outside the home. I posted a reply to her saying that I agreed with her completely! Being a wife and mom IS a full-time job, and I told her unfortunately, I feel like I've been a full-time worker outside the home for quite some time and my kids have been my part-time job.
*Insert sound of record screeching to a halt*
Did I really just say that? Did I really just say that I feel my children (and now my husband), have been my part-time job?! Yes. Yes I did. Furthermore, not only did I say it, I knew I actually felt it. I had never thought it out loud before or even acknowledged it, but it is the absolute truth, and it made me SO SAD.
Mind you, there isn't really anything I could have done about it before. Single moms rarely get to be stay at home moms unless they're getting some wicked child/spousal support, and that just isn't happening.
But I'm married now, and we decided to leave the timing of a new baby up to God, and God said NOW. I truly think that says something. I knew I was supposed to be waiting for something (see this post). I've known that for some time. I got confirmation of it when I went to the Women of Faith conference. I was waiting...and I think this was what I was waiting for. I would NOT be considering not working right now if God hadn't placed this beautiful creature in my womb.
Also, another friend emailed me yesterday telling me how wonderful she was doing (because I had asked) and told me how much she had loved staying at home for the past year with her kids, that she would never have a career again (just jobs, if necessary), and to absolutely do it if I ever got the chance. What's odd about this? She wrote this to me on the same day I wrote that blog...but hadn't read my blog yet. Coincidence? I think not.
Okay God, I'm listening. You have my trust and my attention.
Thank you to all the friends and family that love and support me so much...and make me see the light when I'm covering my own eyes. I love you all.