Fighting Ghosts

I came face-to-face with the nastiest girl today. I've seen her before, but I didn't really pay her any attention, but I did today, and seriously, this girl was a pill. I'm talking all-out, temper-tantrum, sulking, "look-at-me," spoiled brat princess ever. She's a contentious beast who picks fights just to get attention and pushes away just to get chased.

Of course, it was me I'm talking about.  

Doesn't sound like the Alissa you know?  Really?

That's because I don't let her out of the box often. I normally keep her pretty-well reigned in..or at least, I thought I did.

The problem is, I've always let her sit pretty close to the surface - not so close that she'd be seen, but close enough where I could pull her out if I need her - and instead of just getting rid of her, I've tried to subconsciously control her.  

Here's when I realized this:

This morning I started thinking about how I don't feel close to Josiah right now, how I never see him, and yeah, he's working hard, but what good is that if I never get to see him?

But then God, in His infinite wisdom, reminded me that we fell asleep last night holding hands, and he gently kissed me goodbye this morning when he went to work...like he always does.

I've had these thoughts creep up before, but I talk myself out of them. I remind myself how hard he's working for us and how much he loves us and shows us that love every day. But today was different.  Once again, God put a small voice in my head that whispered, "But what if?"

What if Josiah wasn't working his butt off? What if I was working, too? What if we had plenty of money? Would I still feel like this?

Yes.

You see, the issue isn't really with Josiah; the issue is that Josiah and I don't have an issue.

Lost yet? I'm working on it.

Apparently, I have a hard time living without conflict. I've experienced conflict so much of my life that I have a very difficult time living without it. I want there to be something wrong so I have something to complain about; then I'll have something to fix, and I'll get attention. I want to toss grenades into my relationship just to feel the rubble rain down on me, to feel something heavy and intense.  I'm fighting ghosts.

I'm struggling every day not to sabotage my marriage...and I didn't even realize it until today. I've been keeping it at bay somehow, but not really addressing the problem. I've just been putting a band-aid on a gangrenous wound.

Part of me wants to delete this. I want to hide it away knowing that I've had my own little self-realization, and I can fix it, and no one needs to know...not even Josiah.

But, I can't. I know I can't be the only one. And if there is even one person out there who reads this and says, "I do that!" and she's able to repent and dig that infectious nastiness out of her heart (or his...this isn't a gender-specific issue), then admitting my filth to you all will have been worth it.

I feel so...awesome actually.  It feels so good to be aware of this, and therefore, able to get rid of it.  

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, 

but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. 

Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--

his good, pleasing and perfect will.

~Romans 12:2~

That's what I feel has happened.  God has renewed my mind, and allowed me to discern His will; He wants me to have a strong marriage, free from unnecessary conflict and tension.

He wants me to be a loving wife, a blessing to my husband, not contentious and disgruntled, even if just in my mind or in my heart.  Because:

Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Proverbs 21:9

And even if I'm not outwardly contentious most of the time, if I let those things store up in my heart at all, they will always be waiting to spill out.

A good man brings good things 

out of the good stored up in his heart, 

and an evil man brings evil things 

out of the evil stored up in his heart.

 For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

~Luke 6:45~

And I do love my husband.  I absolutely adore him.  I want him to feel that with every bit of my heart, with not even the slightest bit of it reserved for the fight I keep stored away for a rainy day.

Just absolute love and adoration...always.